After, many much talks, and me being in tears the entire time... A group of my friends from the vore community have encouraged me to ask for help as I really need it, and well... according to them, I really deserve it.
As you all know, my parents kicked me out.
I now live in a house with 3 of my friends. However, they all have their own problems and lives and really little to no means of helping me. And my boyfriend pretty much works to pay his bills and help me as much as he can without fucking himself over. My grandparents just gave me 1/2 the money I needed to pay for my car so that I could pass safety and admissions (per state requirement for my car to be legal) so I hate to ask them for any more help, as they have to take care of themselves too. And my little sister has her own bills and things to pay for and she struggles just as much as I do (since... you know... she was also kicked out about a year before I was and for the same reason.)
I work part time at a minimum wage job because I go to school full time (which might I add I'm currently failing because of this wonderful adventure my parents forced me into) any money I make for work goes toward my bills and food.
So now... I think I should tell you all the truth about my past... I'll keep it short since... I really don't like talking about it anyway.
I've been abused since I was little... First was my biological father... He would hit me in the head all the time and he beat me pretty bad once... Mind you since then he's apologized and I've forgiven him. He isn't a problem in my life however we don't talk much just on birthdays and holidays.
Anyway... It's my mother and stepfathers that are the real monsters of my life... My mom has never cared about me and my sister. She's always chosen men over us, even after they've abused me. My sister was never harmed, she was my mom's favorite. The most that was done to her is that she was traumatized by my first stepdad with the horror film Child's Play, she is terrified of dolls... like on a ridiculous level. Me on the other hand... I was physically and mentally abused by my step fathers... and my mom... she just stood by and watched. I was terrified... they told me if I ever told anyone that they would kill me... I believed it. Teachers, friends, family (the few who actually cared), they all asked me if I was being abused. I always said no and so would my sister as she was threatened with my life. When I hit high school and my stepdad realized he couldn't beat me anymore, he turned to mentally abusing me and keeping me as a caged bird. I wasn't allowed to do much besides go to school and work... I was a prisoner up until the age of 18.
I'm not sure what I ever did... I don't think I will ever know... But... I wish this hell on no one...
When I was kicked out... The hair dye thing was only just the straw to break the camel's back... I was really kicked out after my stepdad came home from jail pissed as usual. Before he went to jail my parents tried, once again, to take all of the money I made like they did when I was working while in high school. They would take every cent I had, mainly to pay for my stepdad's weed and cigarettes and so that he could gamble my money away.
Well... When I moved back in with them for the last time I refused to give them any of my money. Of course until my stepdad went to jail... At that time my mom was really depressed and revealed to me that they had a huge debt that was almost paid off, but without my stepdad, she wouldn't be able to finish paying it.
So being the kind hearted dumbass I am... I took out a loan from a friend to help my mother.
I'm guessing she never told my stepdad this as when he got home he was pissed beyond belief and... as usual... came after his favorite stress reviler... Me...
And thus, I was kicked out for being a "worthless shit"
And I was physically abused... again...
I had a door slammed into my back several times in attempt to scare me away without my belongings.
My life and possessions (which I've worked over the past few years to get) were threatened... again...
And I was alone... and terrified... And in that moment... I just saw myself as a kid again... crying into my favorite stuffed animal... wishing the God I believed in would take my life... end my suffering... or make things right...
*face keyboard* Here's where I mentally curse the group who has encouraged me to find help... I'm... really... REALLY... bad about asking people to help me. I was pretty much raised never to ask for help or to accept help when it is offered. But apparently I'm wrong, and everything I was told was a lie and now here I am getting mad at myself for even considering asking for help... (sorry... wee rant)
Anyway... I worked tonight... and on my way home my car overheated and broke down as I was getting off the highway. I called Tyler having anxiety attacks but he didn't answer right away and neither did my room mate. After about 5 times of calling I finally got a hold of Tyler and then my room mate called me back. They were going to come pick me up but I managed to get my car started back up and chug it's little ass the final stretch (aka a minute and a half) down the road to my house.
So... I'm stuck without my car now. And with work and school tomorrow, I'm pretty much boned.
And of course all the money I had made from work had to go toward getting my car legal again and a cheap phone to replace the one I threw in the washer a little over a week ago so I could at least make phone calls and answer texts from work (since I'm one of their more important workers who actually has to be open to answer questions for other co-workers at any time during the day... it's annoying... trust me)
No, I disagree! "Okay... so Rose... what's your point with all of this whoopla and sad sob stories?" No, I disagree!
Don't be angry! I'm really... REALLY bad at asking for help! This is extremely awkward and rather painful for me. So I may sound rather ridiculous at this point as I'm not use to asking for help... Nor do I think I ever will be... But hopefully I won't need to ask for help much longer... I just... really need help getting back on my feet... hopefully for good this time.
I was told I should find help... and that starting here would be a great idea. Apparently a lot more people are willing to help than I thought, and that asking for help isn't a sign of weakness... it's a sign of strength, because it shows that you want to keep going, and you want to do better (which... for someone with sever depression that's wreaking havoc on them as we speak, this is quite the achievement)
So... If you are willing to help... And don't think you have to and don't feel bad if you can't... It's okay... Trust me, I understand more than anyone else right now.
Donations can be made to my paypal if you would like to help that way:
[email protected]
If you would like to help on a more long term basis then you can pledge to me on Patreon:
www.patreon.com/voraciousrose
Any other help anyone has to offer is also very helpful and much appreciated.
... And now... I'm rather embarrassed and a little upset again... I think I'll just leave it at this till I can pull myself together... I'm sorry guys... I really am...
Posted by joeburp22181 8 years ago Report
It's not much but I hope it helps. I am sorry to hear about all of your suffering. I won't try to compare what happened in our child hoods, because I am sure they affected us in different ways, and still do to some degree. I just wanted to let you know that people out there, really do care. I have empathy for many of these same things, because I've lived through a lot of them myself. Keep your chin up, and keep fighting... you're not alone Rose.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Thank you... So much. Your kindness means a lot to me. These past few month have really been an eye opener as far as the amount of people I have who actually care about me. Unfortunately my depression has been wreaking some havoc on me these past few months though and I just feel like this helped me to clear the air a little, maybe I'll start feeling a little better now...
I'm sorry if you've had to live through similar things as myself. Nobody should have to live a life like this... ever...
I hope all is well for you though. Be strong, if you ever need someone to talk to, I can promise you I've seen a lot so don't be shy, I'm not the judgmental type.
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Posted by Silversepiroth 8 years ago Report
I...well, I...I thought there was more to the story, but...wow. Honey, I'm SO sorry to hear that all of this happened to you. I don't mean to sound stalkerish, and I know the last thing you need is the pity and concern of strangers, but my heart honestly goes out for you. Not only that, but to have all this other stuff happen on top of it? Absolutely unbelievable. I wish so much that I could support you in some way, but I sadly have any money, or or a way to transfer it even if I had any. What I can offer is an open ear and a strong shoulder. If you need someone to talk to, I can be there for you.
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Posted by MysteryOne 8 years ago Report
I've sent some your way via payPal, Rosie~
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Every little bit is helpful, even to have someone to listen is very helpful if you ask me. Thankfully I've had a lot of people from the community that I group call with on skype to help cheer me up about this terrible situation. All of you have been great to me and I love you all dearly.
A few years ago if you would have told me I would have been popular among an art community and would be loved by a ton of people because of my art, I probably would have called you crazy. But I'm very happy I finally decided to join in and be an active member. I'm met so many great people willing to help me, even if it just with their kind words, and that has meant a lot.
Any time in the past few years that I was going through a bad time and was having bad thoughts due to depression I always was reminded, "what would people tell your internet friends? If you just disappear, nobody would know, a lot of people would ask about you, because they care." That's always what kept me going, you guys kept me going.
So thank you, thank you for following me, commenting on my work and blogs, and even being there to listen! Heck I'm rather surprised at anyone who read this entire post! My past is a lot to take in... and it's a lot to let out too. But you guys are my friends and I shouldn't have to hide it from you all and I hope if there's ever a time I can do anything for any of you, even if it's just chatting, I'm here... and I'd be happy to help any way I can.
Thank you again *hugs* it's people like you who have helped me get better depression wise, keep being awesome.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
*hugs* thank you so much! I really appreciate your help!
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Posted by Ome 8 years ago Report
Sent what I could, I hope it helps.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
*hugs* thank you. Your help is super appreciated.
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Posted by Brainfood 8 years ago Report
Well, all I have to offer is moral support and some advice, but here goes:
I certainly hope you realize that having been through all this makes you a lot stronger than most people, not weaker. It takes more than most people have to handle this level of pain and stress. Don't give up. Continue fighting, and you will come out on top.
Also, asking for help is nothing that warrants an apology for, especially considering the seriousness of the situation. Think of it this way: if someone else were in your place, would you think they should have to apologize for seeking assistance?
No matter how unreasonable it seems, keep up hope for the future.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Thank you. Your words really touch me. I can't really help apologizing so much. That's actually something I've been told so many times to stop doing. I apologize for almost everything. It's an old habit that is going to be rather hard for me to break. My parents treated me like everything was my fault, especially them abusing me. A lot of times I got the blame for things that had nothing to do with me, and I just kind of learned that it's my place to apologize every time something goes wrong.
I'm trying to break taking the blame for everything and being sorry all the time, though I probably don't need to be. It will just take a little more time. Until then, I've just got to keep on going, working harder and realizing that unless you ask, you may never receive. I'll try to keep my chin up, promise.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Thank you. Your words really touch me. I can't really help apologizing so much. That's actually something I've been told so many times to stop doing. I apologize for almost everything. It's an old habit that is going to be rather hard for me to break. My parents treated me like everything was my fault, especially them abusing me. A lot of times I got the blame for things that had nothing to do with me, and I just kind of learned that it's my place to apologize every time something goes wrong.
I'm trying to break taking the blame for everything and being sorry all the time, though I probably don't need to be. It will just take a little more time. Until then, I've just got to keep on going, working harder and realizing that unless you ask, you may never receive. I'll try to keep my chin up, promise.
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Posted by Bright 8 years ago Report
If I were in your near vicinity, I`d give you a hug for good luck.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Thank you Bright. Internet hugs can be just as great though. *hugs*
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Posted by zoozoo 8 years ago Report
I hope the support I gave is enough to help you get on your feet!
Personally, I don't know what I would do without the support of my parents, they are such a major part in my life. Hope you can get your car fixed and get passed all the emotional BS your parents have unjustly shoveled onto you.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
Any support is super helpful and greatly appreciated! Thank you so much and I sure hope I can get everything straightened out soon too! I'm really... really tired of all this stress.
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Posted by Houyo 8 years ago Report
Being somebody who has faced abuse, depression, and a habit of saying sorry a lot myself I wish you luck against your problems. I've been lucky enough to not be in as dire straights as you so I feel it's only right that I should lend a hand too.
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Posted by VoraciousRose 8 years ago Report
*hugs* I'm sorry you've had to live a life similar to mine. I hope all is well for you and that you are safe. If you ever need someone I like to think I'm a good listener and I'm here for you. Thank you so much for your help.
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