Eka's Portal Writing Group - Nov 2009 - All Submissions In!

[Imrhys]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Imrhys
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=178779
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? yes and yes
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? yes
Have you proofread your own story? yes

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Reformation - a young vampire begins to learn just what Age can bring when an old vampire "shows" off just how hard they can be to destroy permanently. *never was good at synopsis, because I worry about giving too much away*
Word Count: 2800
Rating and Classification: PG, vampires, no explicit blood, "happily ever after" climax, F/M.
Type of Critique Preferred: As I learned the hard way a couple years ago, I'd rather you blast me. This is my first true effort to post anything publically, and If I get anything but shredded, I won't take it too seriously. That said, the unconventional vore - reforming is the backbone here. If it's unbelievable, I"m back to drafting board. Suggestions will be greatly appreciated...
Questions for the Readers: this is the first draft and I know it needs work/fleshing out. I need to know what the reader sees, but I can't ask for a book report level review as this is my first written posting anywhere. So, three things: Can her hopelessness/lack of confidence be felt? *this is a key for later character development*; two, does this make the reader want to read next chapter? Three, is the unconventional vore - reforming believable?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Not a fan of excessive gory/bloody because I have too vivid an imagination, IF it is too RL. Fantastic stuff, I love. M/M is iffy. I can handle unconventional and all things not oral vore best, though I am weakest at breast vore having never rp'ed it. If I am put into the proper mood, I can honestly take almost anything and I have been reading fantasy and science fiction for a long time. That said, my weakness thus far has proven to be "things too close to what could happen to me IRL". But I guess we will see, since I'm new to this "writing group" experience, but am looking forward to it because finding this thread got me to finally revise this story :3
Critiquing Style: I'm weakest on grammar, and, unless glaring, indifferent to spelling because we are all adults here and there are far too many online spelling resources. After that... not sure. This will be my first merrry go round at something like this, so I guess we will all see what sort I am with some time.

Don't forget to attach your writing! It is here - http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=178791

[Imrhys]

This is only my second submission/posting ever, and the last one got blasted so brutally... well I couldn't open a word processor for any reason for over six months. But thanks to this Group, I was motivated to finish this piece that I started but had not touched again since exactly three months ago. Thanks for that at the very least 4ofSwords *bows*

[4ofSwords]

Welcome to the group, Imrhys!

[Imrhys]

BTW, I feel like I'm cheating somewhat on the reviews, since I have been commenting to your story sub in its orginal posting location, 4ofSwords. And I could just "copy n paste" them here later on >_>

[4ofSwords]

BTW, I feel like I'm cheating somewhat on the reviews, since I have been commenting to your story sub in its orginal posting location, 4ofSwords. And I could just "copy n paste" them here later on >_>

Well, unless no-one else joins for the month, there's no guarantee you'll be assigned that one for a review.. At the moment, though, the chances are looking pretty good!

[4ofSwords]

Only today and tomorrow left to get in those November submissions!

Where is everybody? Burnt out after Halloween?

[KavenBach]

Well, it's not the story I was working on, but it kinda-sorta involves "dressing up." Or, er, "dressing down," maybe?

Long story short: Someone got me addicted to World of Warcraft. Last night I though, "Lawd, I've just been sucked into this thing... ohshitwowstoryidea..."

May be a first-parter, I dunno.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: KavenBach, K-Bach, or Billy Bob Boinkin'. No, not really on that last one.
Your writing library URL(s): Same as the entry for this month.
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yaya
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? You know, not sure I ever read them after the the edits?
Have you proofread your own story? Actually, no. Wrote this in about 4 hours this morning. Just re-read it; other than the site messing up the formatting as always I didn't see much, though it's not one of my stronger works

YOUR POST: "Sucked In."
Title/Summary: A 21-year-old guy found his missing best friend's diary and discovers she developed an addiction just before disappearing. Now he must set aside his own disbelief to try to save her... from inside a video game.
Word Count: 5189. Very short. For me at least.
Rating and Classification: Fatal Plant/F vore; the vore is soft, but there's a quick constriction/crushing scene with blood (no Scat though). A few sexual references, and female nudity. A guy gets a painful hard-on.
Type of Critique Preferred: Whatever you feel. It was written very quickly, so errors in text and logic are highly likely. The site fucked up the formatting in a lot of places.
Questions for the Readers: Too short? Does it make sense? Is it believable? Is it too hard to follow what's happening after the game has begun (ie Richard's character is Rachel and to some extent I interchanged them, deliberately though). Is Richard a believable character? Does the way I ended the story make sense? Woould it be worth continuing?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: PLEASE no M/M. NO underage, NO heavy Scat --- I can handle a quick reference maybe (say, constriction results), but the moment it becomes a plot element, no. I prefer ?/F or M/F, F/F and F/M I could probably handle.
Critiquing Style: I'll be honest. I'll say what I see. I usually temper my criticism with what I liked, assuming I liked anything, which hasn't been a problem yet. Bad spelling is a pet peeve so I WILL say so if reading your story hurts my eyes.

Don't forget to attach your writing!

http://aryion.com/g3/showitem.php?id=178889

[4ofSwords]

Well, it's not the story I was working on, but it kinda-sorta involves "dressing up." Or, er, "dressing down," maybe?

But we're happy to see it anyway! Anybody else?

[4ofSwords]

November is closed! I'll open December shortly.

[Imrhys]

November is closed! I'll open December shortly.

Ya know, I get the feeling we are being prodded for our next submissions, before some of us have even finished wrestling with our reviews *smirks*. Bad 4ofSwords, bad. I'm just hoping to get these reviews done, much less an entry for next month TOO. *feels most "fish out of water" at this point*

[4ofSwords]

Ya know, I get the feeling we are being prodded for our next submissions, before some of us have even finished wrestling with our reviews *smirks*. Bad 4ofSwords, bad.

Earlier in the EPWG's inception there was a request to make sure there was always a month open for submissions, so someone with something to post had a place to put it. Don't worry - there's no rush. I'm anticipating EPWG going out with a whimper.

[Jacquelope]

I'd say we're heading into some cyclical lean months.

[Imrhys]

I'm anticipating EPWG going out with a whimper.

It better not, I just found it and have been more motivated towards my writing then ever before.

[4ofSwords]

For my first comments of the month, Imrhys' "Reformation!"

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Reformation - a young vampire begins to learn just what Age can bring when an old vampire "shows" off just how hard they can be to destroy permanently. *never was good at synopsis, because I worry about giving too much away*
Type of Critique Preferred: As I learned the hard way a couple years ago, I'd rather you blast me. This is my first true effort to post anything publically, and If I get anything but shredded, I won't take it too seriously. That said, the unconventional vore - reforming is the backbone here. If it's unbelievable, I"m back to drafting board. Suggestions will be greatly appreciated...
Questions for the Readers: this is the first draft and I know it needs work/fleshing out. I need to know what the reader sees, but I can't ask for a book report level review as this is my first written posting anywhere. So, three things: Can her hopelessness/lack of confidence be felt? *this is a key for later character development*; two, does this make the reader want to read next chapter? Three, is the unconventional vore - reforming believable?

First off, welcome to the group! I'm glad that now I'm not the only one to post a vampire story.

I'm going to take your request for brutal criticism honestly, so I hope you meant it, and don't take it badly! While I liked the basic idea of the story, I had some pretty serious trouble with following what was going on. Two things in particular seemed to cause this: a lack of setting, and a fuzzy-edged structure. The lack of setting is basically a lack of visual elements, enough to build a mental picture. I do have the impression of clouds and night and mist somewhere outside of a city, and it seems to be on the same continent as Houston, but I had to work hard over the course of the story to establish and maintain that picture. I don't remember ever getting an idea of what Miria looked like or how she was dressed, though I see now you mentioned her boots. Without some kind of a handle to hold on to (visual description can be easiest, but building a unique and meaty character or really developing an atmosphere), it's difficult for me, as a reader, to get into the story; I can't suspend disbelief until I have something substantial to believe in. This difficulty is compounded by the hazy way in which the timeline of the story is handled. By about 2/3rds of the way through I was certain that the story was a bookend present with a flashback in the middle, but where the divisions lay wasn't that clear to me as I read; I had to go back to get a better sense of it. I thought in retrospect that this may have been intentional - you may be going for a kind of dreamlike, confused point of view, but my advice there is that it's one thing to have your main character be muddled, but quite another to put the reader through it - allow the reader to know more than Miria, if that's the case.

To answer your questions: 1) I do get the sense of Miria's hopelessness/lack of confidence, possibly too much. What about her makes her and interesting character? What did the Old One see in her? She's a vampire now, too, right? She doesn't seem, from this scene, like she'd be able to take care of or feed herself. I'd think there'd be a sort of minimum bad-assedry to be a successful bloodsucker. 2) At this point I wouldn't really be sold on another chapter. While I have questions about the story, they're not the kind of questions that would lead me to read more to find the answers. This does feel more like a complete scene than an opening chapter to me, as well. 3) Hmm... I hadn't really gotten the impression that what the Old One did to the other vampires was a kind of vore at all - I thought he was just de-constituting them. As for reformation, in a vampire book it's believable if it fits the internal logic. Except for the fact that the main character told us it wasn't possible and now we have no reason to suspect there's any way to kill a vampire in this universe, it's believable.

More specific notes in the spoiler tags:

Spoiler: show

• Complex sentence structures: Especially on the first page, you have some sentence structures that are pretty difficult to follow.
  

  The dim glow from the downtown lights bouncing off the thick clouds above provided just enough light for Miria's marginal night eyes to see the silhouettes of the small trees and other larger things in front of her as she ran on into the night.

  
  That's a heck of a first sentence to parse; I would do whatever you could to make the first sentence short and simple and tone-setting, something like "Miria was exhausted; she would have been out of breath if she still had to breathe." Some other examples of complicated sentences, most of which have some great imagery, but are just too complicated/run-on/strangely structured to breeze through as a reader:
  

  Her boots crashed through the underbrush so loud in Miria's ears, surely they heard, but she had to keep going.

  
  

  Stumbling out into a clearing because of the sudden disappearance of the constant resistance she had to each and every running stride, Miria righted herself awkwardly, and looked about frantically for a place to run next.

• You have a few incomplete sentences that don't work, as far as I can tell. Examples:
  

  Unnatural eyes glowing blood red in the dark, and she knew her chance was gone..

  
  

  with kept grasses and no immediate lights

  Since it's after a colon, it needs to be a list or a complete sentence, I believe.
  

  When they had doused the Old One's desiccated body with gallons of diesel and lit him. When the flames had shot up into the air something inside of her screamed and took over. A fear so great it overrode everything else.

  These could work this way with ellipses between them, like they were a stream of consciousness.
  

  With Zachary and the others kneeling down about the fallen kindred.

• "The dim glow from the downtown lights bouncing off the thick clouds above" - that's a good image once, but repeated 3 times it becomes redundant.
• "Even Almeda now treated her as nothing more then an undead servant to do his bidding." - This made me wonder if I'd misjudged and Amelda and the Old One were different people. I had gotten the impression that Amelda looked after her and was kind to her, and this seems to undo that impression.
• "The want to crawl under a rock and hide from these monsters was overwhelming!" "Want" should probably be changed to "desire"; it's a little difficult to read as is.
• It seemed strange they'd used diesel as an accelerant instead of gasoline; I could be wrong, but I don't think it burns as easily or at hotly. Was there a reason for choosing diesel?
• I was confused about the vampires using a stake only to immobilize instead of to kill the Old One. That certainly works if it's consistent in your own mythology, but I think it's atypical for vampire stories and might need a little more explanation up front.
• There seems to be a lot of repetition throughout the story - Miria's feelings and her reactions to things and little details are told and retold. I'm having some trouble finding an example now, but perhaps this is from writing a first draft over several sittings? That's perfectly normal for first drafts, but it's a good reason to post a more polished draft for critique.
• You describe the gang of vampires as silhouettes because of the glowing mist, but if they were surrounded by the mist, wouldn't they have been equally well lit from front and behind? A silhouette has a strong light source behind it. Secondarily, I think perhaps reducing the gang of vampires to silhouettes reduces our ability to fear them; they're vague shapes vaguely threatening just because we're told so.
• Rape gangs - they're mentioned casually, which makes me think this is some kind of post-apocalyptic society? Please, tell us more!
• The heartbeat - traditionally vampires don't have them (and when they do they go thump-thump, or some other double beat). Is this supposed to be an obvious and remarkable exception?
• I know I said we should know more about what's going on than Miria, but she seemed awfully slow to pick up on what was happening. I can understand why she might doubt that it was Amelda who was reforming, but why would she still think the other vampires were in attack mode when she was hearing them scream?
• The last sentence: "That is, unpleasant..." Should that be, "That was ...unpleasant." instead?

So, there we go! There's my brutal critique! In summary, my recommendations are to 1) develop Miria and the setting more so we have a character to care about and something to visualize, 2) clean up the overly complex sentences, grammar issues, and clarify/solidify the plotline, and 3) put in some blood! You can't have a vampire story without the blood!

[Imrhys]

I'm going to take your request for brutal criticism honestly, so I hope you meant it, and don't take it badly!

This is exactly what I wanted. Been told "cool" "nice" "good" for too many years and as you can see, it shows. The biggest cause for concern here, in my eyes: when I read most physical descriptions, I get little from them. I don't visualize from words, and as you have highlighted, this is a major problem in my own writing.