Eka's Portal

My first hard vore story that takes place in Medieval Times that I think turned out pretty good. It's about a tyrannous Queen who finds her son, the prince, attempting to start a rebellion against her. As punishment for his actions, she sentences him to execution, you can guess by which form though

Comments are extremely appreciated, even constructive critical ones! Thanks

Link (it's in my gallery) : http://aryion.com/g4/view/205283

I'm not sure how to approach this story, to begin with.

If I approach it like a writer, I would have to point out that a paragraph should typically have one idea in it, action or thought, rather than one that starts with the Prince digging through a pocketful of lock picks, and ending with the Queen being a tyrant, just as an example.

Your characters are weak, and there were points where I felt like this was something that a couple of kids sitting around a sandbox would play out with toys, in as much as there are no discerning traits in the characters apart from the hearsay given to us by yourself.

It's never explained why the Ankh of Codra was something that would cause a war, apart from it was valuable as all get out, and made from things that didn't exist anymore. I don't understand why an expensive baubles theft would bring down the kingdom around the crooked Queen's ears. Its claimed the nation fell apart when the old King vanished, but it doesn't have anything to do with the story at hand.

Further down the story, we are treated to a glossing over of the vore process, the cooking process, and eventually what comes next. You're a good writer, but you seem to rush forward through this things without taking the time to let things build up.

I'm not sure how/why bits of flesh wouldn't have digested either, which threw me off further down.

That's what I'd say, writing as a writer myself.

As someone who just wants to enjoy a story now and then, it's not bad, though. Fast, to the point, with a few little surprises, a vicious evil woman, and a fun romp along story. I still get the impression it's being told by a few people just making stuff on the fly, but it doesn't matter to me so much if I'm just reading it for the sake of reading it.

All in all, it's clear that you've got the idea down, but the execution of the writing still leaves a little to be desired. Still, looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Cryptrat wrote:I'm not sure how to approach this story, to begin with.

If I approach it like a writer, I would have to point out that a paragraph should typically have one idea in it, action or thought, rather than one that starts with the Prince digging through a pocketful of lock picks, and ending with the Queen being a tyrant, just as an example.

Your characters are weak, and there were points where I felt like this was something that a couple of kids sitting around a sandbox would play out with toys, in as much as there are no discerning traits in the characters apart from the hearsay given to us by yourself.

It's never explained why the Ankh of Codra was something that would cause a war, apart from it was valuable as all get out, and made from things that didn't exist anymore. I don't understand why an expensive baubles theft would bring down the kingdom around the crooked Queen's ears. Its claimed the nation fell apart when the old King vanished, but it doesn't have anything to do with the story at hand.

Further down the story, we are treated to a glossing over of the vore process, the cooking process, and eventually what comes next. You're a good writer, but you seem to rush forward through this things without taking the time to let things build up.

I'm not sure how/why bits of flesh wouldn't have digested either, which threw me off further down.

That's what I'd say, writing as a writer myself.

As someone who just wants to enjoy a story now and then, it's not bad, though. Fast, to the point, with a few little surprises, a vicious evil woman, and a fun romp along story. I still get the impression it's being told by a few people just making stuff on the fly, but it doesn't matter to me so much if I'm just reading it for the sake of reading it.

All in all, it's clear that you've got the idea down, but the execution of the writing still leaves a little to be desired. Still, looking forward to seeing more of your work.

Well I'm obviously in no way a professional write, but I do appreciate the feedback, as it has opened to my eyes to how bad my writing actually was technically haha. \
The first "paragraph" was intended to be more of a small introduction to the situation.

The ankh was the ultimate symbol of leadership. If he got it in his possession, it would not only throw much question to the queen's authority, but also bring eyes to his.

The disappearance of the king was supposed to be a hint that she ate him as well, but I guess I made it too vague.

Technically speaking, all of the flesh would have digested, but I added that just as a humiliation factor for the vore aspect of it.

I do realize there are many errors that can't be justified with a one sentence explanation.

Thanks again.