Eka's Portal Writing Group -- May 2014 -- Open

[Marked]

The May 2014 round of the Eka's Portal Writing Group is now open!

The EPWG is a casual monthly topic for authors to post short stories or portions of larger stories and get guaranteed feedback. Everyone is welcome to participate! Authors who submit a story any given month are asked to read and comment on the three stories that are assigned to them that same month, but you don't have to be an author to read and give feedback, and authors don't have to limit their feedback just to the stories assigned to them. You can check out the guidelines for participation here, and you can participate in the discussion surrounding the EPWG here, if you'd like.

Authors of all skill levels and interests are welcome (see the guidelines for details); please just make sure you do your best to proofread your submission, and make sure it in some way is related to vore or endo, given the nature of this site.

- - - - - - -

DEADLINES:
All submissions for May must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Sunday, May 11th.
All critiques for May must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Sunday, June 1st.

[Marked]

To enter this month, just read the first post to make sure you know what's going on, and fill out a copy of this template in your own post!

Instructions: Quote this post when you post your submission. Everything in bold should stay, and everything not in bold should be deleted or replaced. Attach your submission as an .rtf or .doc or .txt or .pdf, or post a link. If you link off-site, make sure it's publicly accessible (no password-protection) and isn't swarming with ads or is poorly-formatted. If using open office, make sure you save as a .doc rather than a .odt file.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Answer with how you prefer to be called in posts. (Example: 4ofSwords)
Your writing library URL(s): (Example: http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=102910)
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? (They're only 1127 words. Consider them good preparation for your reading assignment.)
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? (This is the heart and soul of the reading group - it's important.)
Have you proofread your own story? (Yes is the only good answer!)

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Let us know a little something about the story. Make this part compelling to help you get readers! (Example: Spider Woman. She's a science experiment gone wrong. He's from some shadowy government agency. He … err, the other 'He'... is dinner! Lust, intrigue, and plenty of spidery vore and cocooning!)
Word Count: Give an accurate, discrete, positive integer. There is no hard limit to word count, but stories assigned readers aren't responsible for more than the first 2000 words or so, and stories over 5000 words should be considered for breaking into smaller chapters.
Rating and Classification: Let us know what kind of vore and how much. Be sure to let us know if there is sex, gore, scat, digestion, etc., since those tend to be the major touchpoints. (Example: Rated “R” for descriptive nudity, sexiness, and naughty words. Contains F/M spidery (oral/vampiric) vore.)
Type of Critique Preferred: Do you want it harsh or gentle? In-depth, or impressionistic? Are you looking for the reader to pay special attention to technique, or to grammar, or to style? (Example: Harsh/honest critique is preferred. Tell me what you liked or didn't, or what took you out of the reading experience. Specific examples preferred.)
Questions for the Readers: If there's anything in particular you want the reader to think about or answer, here's your chance! (Example: Was her monologuing a bit much?)

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Tell us what you'd prefer to read or not to read. (Example: I like sentient female preds. I dislike scat, pain, and cockvore. I will read anything from Pokemon fanfic to the scenes that make Larry Flint blush.)
Critiquing Style: What kind of a critic are you? (Example: I'm a pretty harsh critic who is easily hung up by bad spelling and punctuation. I'm handy at suggesting alternative wording/plot points, etc.)

Don't forget to attach your writing!

Summary of previous Chapters If you need a summary of previous chapters OR key back story, Please insert it via this spoiler area.

Spoiler: show

Quote this post to call up the HTML tags that produced this.

[USful]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: USful
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/gallery/USful
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yes, and I agree
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments? Yes
Have you proofread your own story? Yes, may have missed something, though

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: OpVore Chapter 1. When a scientist creates a machine that can bring people back from the dead, the entire world is changed forever... however, with this creation, only the rich have the ability to acquire it. The story follows a teen named Robert, a senior in his high school years. Everything was going well for him, however, one day he encounters something that would change his life forever.
Word Count: 9,700... a good amount and a lot of time needed. I would have tried to cut it down, but I feel that it would make the story less interesting :/
Rating and Classification: Rated R, fairly detailed oral vore, some cursing, and one case of sex. There is some quick digestion, though the descriptions mostly pertain to an outside view. There is also a bit of description in regards to pain, a small bit of blood (along the parameters of a bloody nose), as well as containing both fatal and unwilling victims... and also a decent amount of teasing by the predators. EDIT: This also contains Same size, F/M, and unwilling
Type of Critique Preferred: Overall, I don't think that I mind which type so long as it is constructive. Tell me bluntly what I did wrong, and what you think would make it better.
Questions for the Readers: Was the character development sufficient for the first chapter? If so, which character to be the most "likable" to you (or rather, which one do you feel was the best in regards to personality)? What areas do you think that I need the most work on (i.e. setting, character, grammar mechanics, etc.)? If at all, was I able to instill emotion into the story (as in, was I able to draw the reader into feeling the same way as the main character)?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I generally prefer female predators --be it sentimental or cruel. I am an avid follower of Soft Vore and will generally not enjoy Hard Vore. Scat and waterworks do not sit well with me. Also, though I am alright with the aspect of blood, guro does not appeal to me (aspects such as blood during battle or scrapes and cuts are alright to a degree, but no internal organs and such). Overall, I can read almost any type of rating, so long as it adheres to my preferences. I also have a liking towards cruel, if not cynical, predators (with a good amount of teasing). In general, so long as a story has a female predator, I will generally read it as long as it does not conflict with my dislikes.
Critiquing Style: I would like to view myself as being a relatively kind critic. I generally like to focus on character development, plot, etc. Unless the writing contains too many grammatical issues, my brain normally auto-corrects it and continues on its merry way. I normally try and give advice while critiquing areas that I do not like, and will try my best to give a person a helping hand when it comes to fixing their work.
Don't forget to attach your writing!

Summary of previous Chapters If you need a summary of previous chapters OR key back story, Please insert it via this spoiler area.
Don't forget to attach your writing!

Summary of previous Chapters If you need a summary of previous chapters OR key back story, Please insert it via this spoiler area.

Spoiler: show

Going to copy and paste the intro that I wrote from the teaser:
With the ever growing technologies, scientists were able to come up with a way to clone human beings in such a way that they would live the rest of their “natural” life postmortem; however due to the extensive costs for these life-extending machines, only the government and top 1% of the population were able to get their hands on this “care-free” device”.

The year was 2XXX, a large, genetic-altering virus grew rapidly throughout the world. That said virus proved to be fairly harmless, only slightly altering the X-chromosome of several hundred people around the world. When partnered with a Y- or unaffected X-chromosome, the mutation proved to be harmless; however, if the mutated chromosome were to be paired with another mutated chromosome, the results would end with a special occurrence. All mutated women became significantly superior to men, intellectually, physically, and even psychiatrically. Things proved to be normal, for only a small percentage of women were affect; however, the mutation caused a serious side effect. This caused a large “hunger” that held all women with both mutated X-chromosomes along with the ability to swallow large objects with relative ease. As a result, there was an increase in “disappearances” of many persons, mostly male.

Due to the criminals being virtually undetectable, an elite group was formed to help bring an end to this rampage. This team consisted of highly trained men, women, and vegetarians (women who had the mutation of did not hunt other humans). This elite task force scoured the globe to help neutralize and detain these dangerous women so that the rest of the population could live without fear of dying at an extremely high rate. Their operations were top-secret, for not many people in the world were allowed to know of the virus now called the “V-virus”. They were the soldiers in the dark, the light in the shadows, they were known as OpVore.

[SREDISKRAD]

It's a shame I wasn't able to go last month, however, I have a piece almost ready, and semi inspired by a popular game that almost everyone plays.

[USful]

I am yet to actually make any new pieces, using this as a method to help give me motivation to continue writing

[ScrambleandClick]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Saph
Your writing library URL(s): (Example: http://aryion.com/g4/gallery/SapphiraArmageddos)
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Yes
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? Yes
Have you proofread your own story? Yes

-------------------------------------------

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: A rogue haustian discovers an isolated mansion. People die. No, really, that's all that happens.
Word Count: 1681
Rating and Classification: "PG-13" for same-size willing/unwilling vore (Specifically F/M, from the predator's perspective) with implied digestion and unwilling voyeurism.
Type of Critique Preferred: Nitpick me over my writing mechanics and rhythm. Sometimes they fly over my head. I also want to know if any mistakes in the grammar highly interfered with your ability to understand the plot. Finally, please include some commentary on the plot. There are also places in my typing that involve some long sentences, so if there's way to chop those up, do let me know. Some important exposition bits might also sound dry, so suggest ways to spice those up.

Also, if there is stuff that could be shown instead of told, please let me know. Dialogue flow checks are also vital here.
Questions for the Readers:

• Was this story navigable without knowing about the planet she wound up on (Alphe-Terra)? I chose the narrator mostly be limited to Sapphira to take a shot at exploring the world in the current era without blurting it's AT. There're only portions that peek into other characters' heads when I need to put some important information that can't be gleaned otherwise.
• Does Sapphira have a clear personality?
• How about these guards, even though they're pretty...well...faceless?
• Does the convo between the head of security and the guard seem...too calm?
• In what ways can I expand on the "showman" aspect of Sapphira in this? I feel like I tried to convey it, but didn't go too strongly.
• Can you find a way to worm in the expository info about why they have magical spears instead of guns? I know in my head the reason why, but I can't find a way to naturally include it there.
• Was reading the vore enjoyable and why (not)? It's been a while since I dug through a pred's head (Especially one like Saph...even though a lot of her character development's on the emotional side, I keep worrying about people not being interested because she's stupidly skilled with the ability she has. Every time I try to tone her down, she complains about it.) and I'm still sort of dealing with my anxiety about writing too detailed vore. This story was meant as an exercise to help get over that, though it is semi-canon.

Important BG info:

Spoiler: show

It might not be obvious that Sapphira's not around from AT. Also, this in the future from the previous submission I had on EPWG. While people do have enchanted melee weaponry to deal with how haustian armor is usually made (mana webs + plating). They're working on making hybrid bullets, but...those aren't working yet. She also isn't aware that she has the original blessing of Lightning. She just thought it was something cool she could use since she was a kid. Sapphira's also pretty self-centered, so that's why there isn't too much perception tasting trippiness here (it directly interferes with this species ability).

-------------------------------------------

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Strong preference for same-size soft vore where at least one of the participants is unwilling. Macro/micro is okay to some extent as long as the predator still has to put effort into eating their prey. Scat and watersports are a huge no for me. Gender and species don't really matter except if the partners involved are not sentient or are plants (love demi-human and human preds though). However, if I were forced to sort gender preferences in some order, I'd say M/F, F/M, M/M, then F/F.

Significant character development is usually enough to sway my usual preferences. I also prefer it if I don't read things that make assumptions like angels == good and demons == bad without some creative interpretation and want preds to actually require having to eat sentients to live.
Critiquing Style: I'm usually gentle on punctuation, grammar, and spelling except if it interferes with understanding the plot. This is kind of strange given how nitpicky I am outside of creative writing about it. I tend to focus more on plot issues.

[SREDISKRAD]

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: SRED
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/view/250693
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? (They're only 1127 words. Consider them good preparation for your reading assignment.)
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? Potato
Have you proofread your own story? Apple

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: I'm in a CubeWorld: Minecraft parody turns wonderful VR vore adventure...
Word Count: 3493
Rating and Classification: 'mature', 2 counts of SV, one leading to a gruesome image of a half-digested person. There is violence in there as well, but otherwise nothing much, it's me.
Type of Critique Preferred: Tell me what you think, tell me why you think it, and don't sugar coat it; I don't care if that means overly explicit use of vulgar language, what you think matters.
Questions for the Readers: My writing possibly lacks continuity...tell me how bad it is, because I fear the story does a major 'jump cut' and looks like it switches to an entirely different story. Any tips on how I could correct this for future reference?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Since I tend to just get whatever thrown my if there's not a lot of participation I can be made to read whatever, however, I would prefer: Soft Oral vore, non-human pred (feral preferred if possible), macro pred micro prey, digestion is optional and, under every circumstance NO SEX! I don't mind romance (to an extent (licking, pawing, minor/mild nudity, mawplay, nuzzeling, sensualization of the vore...)) but I would rather all mentions of the reproductive organs were rare if not non-existent please.
Critiquing Style: I tell you what I think, I tell you why I think it, and if you want it dummed down or made nicer I will paraphrase what I think, but I don't come with any sugar-coating, you need to know what you need to know.

View it here on my gallery at: I'm in a CubeWorld

[Marked]

As a reminder, we have one week left for those wanting to join in on the fun. We only need one more submission for this month to get the green-light.

[SREDISKRAD]

Have you not got anything wrote up Marked?

[Marked]

Not yet ^_^;;

Perhaps I'll manage something.

[captamis]

aBOUT YOU:
Your name: captamis
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/user/captamis

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: home coming, a all female furry tank crew goes home well the starts to at elast
Type of Critique Preferred: gentle please its my first time so his is not the best but a good start at elast
Questions for the Readers: hwo do i make it better, shoudl i add mroe and where, and any thing i shoudl do to improve the charcters and is the scenrio off putting

18 plsu, sex, f/ff endo and furrys

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: sex is fine for me as well as msot voring n methods nad creatures but i will nto do hard vore, herms or scat thou if need be i will skip over the scat in passing, i prefer f/f vore but others are ok
Critiquing Style:gentle first tiem so i wil see how i wil do

[captamis]

sorry important to add was helped very step of the way by gustaf helped me with speeling and dieas adn keeping me on trak thank you so much and is a very good friend and prey noms to you

[User1205952]

...

[USful]

Thanks for the critique, Rimentus.

I'm a fairly new writer, and am very thankful that you have pointed out my flaws.

The transition between the calm, yet busy night to the chase scene was intended to show a sharp contrast in events. Though it was my intention to try and make this transition as a sort of contrast, I can agree that it can be quite jarring, I'll more than likely alter it to better fit the scene.

Also, in terms of him "waking up to a dream"... everything within the story (plot-wise) is relevant, and those wristwatches play a very important role with it.

I agree that the last transition was quite confusing, and I should have placed some sort of notification of the shift in time.

In the aspect of Robert, it was indeed intentional. Robert is without experience, as well as the general gist of him being a teenaged boy who is about to graduate high school. But then again, yes, he could have just walked away or something, but I like to view him as naive in some cases --that or just extremely curious.

I'll be fairly brief in terms of grammar, as I have a general tendency to add a lot of "fluff" to the sentence, something in which I probably could have noticed and taken out if I were to have read then out loud. Many of these mistakes are due to my negligence to focus on fixing grammar while editing (as I tend to focus more on plot and overall "feelings" within the piece -- though part of it is laziness to a certain extent).

If anything, I would like to ask which character you think I did the best work on (or at least your favorite), since I am trying to have a decent 'balance' of their appearances for the future chapters of the series. I would also like to ask why you like them, as well as any other things that I could add to make that character more enjoyable.

[User1205952]

...

[USful]

I see, and will more than likely take out a portion of that fluff.

Be it subjective or not, I still value all critique, and I often try to accommodate the most out of everyone's opinion. I am fairly open-minded, and as of such, I generally consider everything in which people suggest or critique --keeping in mind that some are more beneficial than others.

I respect your opinion, and as of such I will find a balance that will help my writing to be a lot better than this piece in terms of word choice.

[captamis]

hi there
updatedversion with better spelling and grammar if help is need undersanding the work please pm me qad i will reply i understand how hard it will be reading someones work whoses mother tonugue is not engish.

thnak you for your time

Your name: captamis
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/user/captamis

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: home coming, a all female furry tank crew goes home well the starts to at elast
Type of Critique Preferred: gentle please its my first time so his is not the best but a good start at elast
Questions for the Readers: hwo do i make it better, shoudl i add mroe and where, and any thing i shoudl do to improve the charcters and is the scenrio off putting

18 plsu, sex, f/ff endo and furrys

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: sex is fine for me as well as msot voring n methods nad creatures but i will nto do hard vore, herms or scat thou if need be i will skip over the scat in passing, i prefer f/f vore but others are ok
Critiquing Style:gentle first tiem so i wil see how i wil do

[ScrambleandClick]

Comments:
Plot:

• The massive new weight caused her shirt to rip, revealing the bottom of her ample cleavage, and her distain for picking one of her favorite shirts for the hunt.
  ....
  After that, the now flat-bellied, much larger-chested redhead stood up and walked blissfully into the night, the only indication of Robert's existence were scuffle marks along the alleyway, which would be washed away by rain.

  
  Why would the reader care that the predator's big-chested? This seems like an unnecessary detail thrown in for the people who pay attention to breasts on women. Since this is a dream sequence or a fuzzy memory of being eaten before being regenerated, I'm going to let the development on the predator in the intro slide.

• The pain that the acid caused him became so high that he finally fainted halfway through the digestion process. The entire digestion only took roughly two minutes.

  
  Why are the predators in this setting capable of ultra-fast digestion? Furthermore, I think this might actually be painless because the acids would get to his nerves very quickly. Take hydrofluoric acid as an example (where the pain is delayed because it dissolves things fast).

• Robert woke up with a start, his eyes darting around him as he breathed heavily from the nightmare that he just had. Quickly, Robert examined himself, looking at the red-clothed limbs he has always had – his "watch" glowing a blue color.

  
  The intro seems to imply that Robert's heard of these incidents to the point where they disturb his sleep. Was this your intention? If it was, had Robert told anyone else about his concerns about these incidents?

• He put on his uniform, in which consisted of the school colors: blue, black, and gold – a sort of preppy uniform in which was in the form of a patterned sweater and khaki pants.

  
  The school uniform doesn't seem that preppy, but I presume your intent was to show that Robert's family is rich (especially when the watch's importance is brought up later, the mention of robots that the family has, etc.).
• 
  

  "'Citizens throughout the world celebrate as James Arthrick is once again recognized from his invention twelve years ago,'" Robert's father quoted, obviously with a sort of pride, "'made in 2025, the REA-392, aka 'Second Chance', has caused a large boom in the economy, bringing the previous recession into a new age of innovation. The REA-392 has brought about a historic change in human history; no longer do humans have to worry about dying now that there is a machine that can resurrect them from the dead! Because of this, NASA and other space agencies around the globe have joined together and started efforts for settlement in space, in hopes of expanding mankind's reach into the cosmoses! Arthrick has been awarded superfluous rewards from many nations, and shall forever be recognized as the inventor of immortality!'"
  

  
  The way the newspaper wrote about the REA-392 sounds a tad pretentious (and probably too verbose). Does the newspaper normally read like that? (because I definitely agree with Robert that rereading that passage for 15 times will sound stale, especially when he's quick to point out that only the rich have access to it)

• It was his last year at this school, a year that he was both happy and sad for. It was required of him to decide what field he wanted to join –due to the fact that there was no longer the aspect of death for the rich, the government decided to have each person do a specific role in society to prevent the 'extinction' of certain jobs, roles in which would change every twelve years –if the person so desired. He did not know what he wanted to be, just that he wanted to help the ones who were not able to afford the machine of life. Much to his mother's distain, Robert was starting to look at the aspect of joining the police department –an idea in which his father seemed to support, merely stating, "Do what you want, it's your life."
  

  
  Since the rich aren't dying, wouldn't this also mean that there'd be tyrants in some countries? Just curious.
  
  Also, why was Robert's mother disdainful of the police?

• Something was off; the girl had the same uniform as them, but lacked a colored wristwatch...

  
  
  I like this little detail since it emphasizes the class conflict that you've brought up earlier from Robert's POV.

• She turned her head, her face was stern yet beautiful as her attributes soon started to swell from the added nutrients, her breasts grew in size as her rear did likewise, pushing the skirt out more so that it revealed a part of her bubbly ass.

  
  
  Again, the attention to the breasts (and the buttocks) of the predator tends to distract me from the main horror of the story. I'm not sure if this is because of the narrator or you. When I read vore stories, I tend to pay attention more to the mentality behind the predator's actions (which you did hint at pretty nicely) than what parts of their body are more attractive.
• Also, these "watches" == the REA-392, judging by the female predator fiddling around with the boy's watch and her talking about taking away the lives that those rich boys love so much? If so, how and when did that predator get experience in configuring an REA-392?
• Why can these watches have their regeneration abilities so easily toggled without a password? That's somewhat alarming given that doing such is a life or death situation.
• In addition, I think that the female predator has a grudge against rich people if she went out of her way to get a popular, rich boy to munch on (combined with her attitude towards Robert).
• I definitely want more details on how the role system for jobs works in this world. This might also be a good hook for you to further develop any more predators for the story (^like I mentioned in that second to last bullet for further developments on that pred).

Mechanics:

• Some phrasings are really wordy (especially "as well as" in a few places). You may want to edit them (even though they don't impair on readability, but that's probably because of my internal auto-corrector).
  

• Alex smiled, his eyes becoming slits as his half-Asian heritage dominated his features. Alex was a mixture of two races – a 'hybrid' he called it – which consisted of both Asian and Native American bloodlines. He was unique in a way, for he was one of the only ones with this particular fusion of cultures, and as such he was subjected to a number of peculiar remarks. These remarks did not bother him in the slightest, only adding to the flame that surged his progression forward to being one of the private school's smartest students in its history. Robert and Alex became friends quite recently, but their mutual bond of commitment made their friendship strong in a matter of months.
  

  
  
  It sound weird for someone to refer to their mixed heritage as a hybrid. It sounds a little...dehumanizing (I'm not sure what it is about hybrid that offputs me vs using mixed race)? Was this your intent?

~~~~~
Questions for the Readers:

• Was the character development sufficient for the first chapter? If so, which character to be the most "likable" to you (or rather, which one do you feel was the best in regards to personality)? - To appropriately answer this question, I'd have to know which characters you were most concerned about and what your intentions were for them. For me, though, the most likeable characters would have to be the female predator introduced near the end and Robert. I like Robert the most because even though his family is rich, he is not flaunting that richness (unlike his brother...). As for the female predator near the end, I liked her because her implied hatred towards the rich means there's something very wrong with the economy despite what the newspapers are saying.
  
  However, I do have to agree with Rimentus that there're some narration problems that may accidentally give Robert perverted traits (like the unnecessary emphasis on breasts when nothing in Robert's personality suggests he would care about that) when that clearly wasn't your intention. Despite my beefs with the story, I do also applaud you for including details that would intrigue people not interested in gender-locked predation. I also would like to see more development in Robert's classmates in later chapters.
  
• What areas do you think that I need the most work on (i.e. setting, character, grammar mechanics, etc.)? - I think you need to work on making your phrasings a little less wordy as I said earlier. Other than that, I'd like to see more of the setting even though gender-biased predation (<- where predators are restricted to a certain gender) isn't my cup of tea.
  
• If at all, was I able to instill emotion into the story (as in, was I able to draw the reader into feeling the same way as the main character)? - Unfortunately, I can't say that I felt the same way as Robert, even though I agreed with some of his observations on the matter. This is mostly because I wasn't sure if the emphasis on breasts and sex were a narration choice or something that defines your main character.

[ScrambleandClick]

Comments:
Plot:

• I can definitely agree with the main character that I still haven't gotten the popularity of minecraft yet. Still haven't, but that'r probably because I diddle around in things like Blender and random code.

• The monsters fell quickly following the VR norm of "anatomy exists and things follow it", because game developers have had a very hard time giving VR players a health bar and found it easier to give monsters anatomic rules to follow – although skeletons had me stumped for a while before I found out what worked, hitting it until it dies...again.

  
  How is this difficult? From a programming perspective, assigning a number to represent a character's health is actually easier to do than making a monster that has breakable parts. Furthermore, why is this a necessary plot element when it's contradicted later?

• I walked through and everything went from cheery to bleak, I could see, but the majority of the light came from some kind of lake below, until I realized it was a lake of lava and I thought to myself, ‘I live here now, and I'm not bothered. I shall become hell-spawn and crawl to the world when I need to plunder it of its resources.' I set about making a demonic mansion, taking time out of the game to install mods to the game to make it look even better.
  
  Eventually I dubbed myself the devil and owned every evil creature ever, running amuck over the world when I felt like it, modding the overworld to have much more civilization to it so destroying it was much more satisfying. I owned enough resources that I built up where the portal in the overworld was, making everything look dead and corrupt. The game was so satisfying to play now and I was much better at it then my friends, they couldn't beat me at anything. I used it when I felt evil or when I needed a release from being angry, taking it out on the ‘testificates' – or plebs/peons as I called them – of the overworld.

  
  If this was an attempt to show the protagonist's dive into darkness before facing the final boss, I'm not getting it. It could've easily been achieved with other mods and I didn't feel like it had too much impact on the battle with Deathwrym.

• I came on to find that there was an update to actually be able to beat the game and I knew there was no way I could lose, I had armies and was armed with the best weapons ever.

  
  Why. Was this update. Even made? If it's supposed to be an open-world building simulator with battling elements, this feels entirely random. This would also imply there's some loose plotline to the game we're not aware of.

• I was greeted, strangely, with a warning telling me to turn back as the following challenge may be slightly glitch – like I gave a fuck. I passed the error and looked back at it smiling, the error message on the back was "Good luck, you're gonna need it."

  
  And the developers didn't put a notice on the glitch in the news release because? I'm kind of disturbed by the fact the devs put the warning in game, but not in the news update. Also, what is that glitch? Is it that the people playing with VR are going to die if the glitch happens?

• I ate a single item of food to fill myself up and heal me before I pulled the lever to open the gate.

  
  This implies the protagonist has a health bar.

• "The warnings were there, lucky for you, this is a game and I'm nothing but an extremely highly rendered figure with loads of animation commands. I also have an AI as intelligent as a normal human...so all you've got to worry about is getting back here with your second best kit." She was right, I did bring this upon myself.

  
  Why is the final boss breaking the wall? She also contradicts herself by saying that she's a highly rendered figure with loads of animation commands, but also has an AI.
• While I do appreciate the character giving the final boss a break from what she had to do every time someone reached her, I'm a bit baffled on how he was so easily able to treat her like a physical person. This could be solved by explaining why the player loved VR games (which is a critical plot point since it causes the protagonist to stop avoiding Cube World), especially in the character <-> player aspect.

Mechanics:
Sentences that need fixing are requoted with and without my edits. The underlines indicate additions and the strikethroughs indicate deletions. Overall, they weren't wordy. It's just that some sentences needed to be split. (And you needed to hit the enter key on some of the dialogue for readability).

• Ever since its release in 2029, 'CubeWorld' became massive with primary school pupils and avid gamers alike. It exploded among the population, and for a while, I neglected its existence entirely – mostly because I'm a cheapskate and its graphics looked appalling, especially compared to VR alternatives.

  
  becomes
  

  Ever since its release in 2029, 'CubeWorld' became massively popular with primary school pupils and avid gamers alike. It exploded among the population, and fFor a while, I neglected its existence entirely – mostly because I'm a cheapskate and its graphics looked appalling, especially compared to VR alternatives.

• I caved in about 3 weeks ago and got it, its new update told of VR compatibility, which made me want to try it for fun. I got home and loaded it up on my console and plugged myself into the game as it phase me into a room made of cubes of different materials.

  
  becomes
  

  I caved in about 3 weeks ago and got it,. The new update said it was VR compatibilitye, which made me want to try it for fun. I got home and loaded it up on my console and plugged myself into the game as it phased me into a room made of cubes of different materials.

  
  Also, was the placing the multiple ands in between "I got home", "loaded it up on my console", and "plugged myself into the game" intentional? If not, it sounded a little jarring since the items weren't of equal importance to me.

• I took my blocks of wood and turned them into a 'workbench' which allowed me to build more complex things, thankfully the crafting system was easy, as I was terrible with my hands.

  
  

  I took my blocks of wood and turned them into a 'workbench' which allowed me to build more complex things, t. Thankfully the crafting system was easy, as I was terrible with my hands.

• I walked out and was cheered, looking around there were loads of enemy monsters, all sitting/standing and cheering me into the ring. I soaked it up, thrusting my fist into the air, sword in hand, and made my way to the centre where an announcer came through a loudspeaker, "Please, keep calm for the player, the match hasn't even started yet, please sit down and give it up for ‘The Deathwyrm!'" My composure dropped as I turned around to see a gate as wide as a lorry and twice as tall as one open up slowly. A small dainty thing that looked like a gerbil came out of the opening when the gate was fully open and I laughed, "Aww, that's cute." Suddenly a luminous pair of white teeth appeared behind it, causing my demeanour to drop. It jumped out and consumed the smaller creature that came out afore it. "I'm sorry about the appetizer coming out, it was giving me a run around in my chamber…but my main has finally arrived." The crowd seemed to go ballistic, whooping and cheering. "Holy shit!" I commented, backing off, "Hey, can't we talk about this?"

  
  becomes
  

  I walked out and was cheered, looking around there were loads of enemy monsters, all sitting/standing and cheering me into the ring. I soaked it up, thrusting my fist into the air, sword in hand, and made my way to the centre where an announcer came through a loudspeaker, "Please, keep calm for the player, the match hasn't even started yet, please sit down and give it up for ‘The Deathwyrm!'"
  
  My composure dropped as I turned around to see a gate as wide as a lorry and twice as tall as one open up slowly. A small dainty thing that looked like a gerbil came out of the opening when the gate was fully open and I laughed, "Aww, that's cute."
  
  Suddenly a luminous pair of white teeth appeared behind it, causing my demeanour to drop. It jumped out and consumed the smaller creature that came out afore it. "I'm sorry about the appetizer coming out, it was giving me a run around in my chamber...but my main has finally arrived."
  
  The crowd seemed to go ballistic, whooping and cheering. "Holy shit!" I commented, backing off, "Hey, can't we talk about this?"
  

• 
  
  Inside the stomach I panicked, and I couldn't calm down because she'd prepared and the biting acids were already peeling my armour off…which was bad news for any skin it touched, disintegrating it. I tried tapping my arm and checked my inventory to find a single dagger. I took it out and thrust it into the wall of the stomach, I continued stabbing around and got the best results for sticking the knife in the floor and letting the acids digest the host, but I wasn't in the best condition, those acids were potent. She coughed me up before I could do more damage, and it was clear neither of us were in any condition to fight. I was missing half my muscles, and the half I did have were barely keeping me together and alive, and she was curling up into a ball, angry at me for cutting her stomach but in way to much pain to do anything but cry and cuddle herself. I almost felt sorry for her, and if she wasn't trying to kill me I may have tried to help her. The announcer came back, "I don't believe it, it seems we have a draw!" I got angry at him for being loud, we both had headaches. I turned to the crowd, where the speaker was, "Shut the fuck up! There are no winners." I walked over to the Deathwyrm and offered her a hand, "Come on, I'll get you something to eat that won't fight back, and you won't have to live under their rules and fight for their entertainment." She looked at me, and took my hand. The audience gasped, but we just hobbled out of here, supporting each other.

  
  becomes
  

  Inside the stomach I panicked, and I couldn't calm down because she'd prepared and the biting acids were already peeling my armour off...which was bad news for any skin it touched, disintegrating it. I tried tapping my arm and checked my inventory to find a single dagger. I took it out and thrust it into the wall of the stomach, I continued stabbing around and got the best results for sticking the knife in the floor and letting the acids digest the host, but I wasn't in the best condition, those acids were potent. She coughed me up before I could do more damage, and it was clear neither of us were in any condition to fight. I was missing half my muscles, and the half I did have were barely keeping me together and alive, and she was curling up into a ball, angry at me for cutting her stomach but in way to much pain to do anything but cry and cuddle herself. I almost felt sorry for her, and if she wasn't trying to kill me I may have tried to help her.
  
  The announcer came back, "I don't believe it, it seems we have a draw!"
  
  I got angry at him for being loud, we both had headaches. I turned to the crowd, where the speaker was, "Shut the fuck up! There are no winners." I walked over to the Deathwyrm and offered her a hand, "Come on, I'll get you something to eat that won't fight back, and you won't have to live under their rules and fight for their entertainment."
  
  She looked at me, and took my hand. The audience gasped, but we just hobbled out of here, supporting each other.

~~~~~
Questions for the Readers:
My writing possibly lacks continuity...tell me how bad it is, because I fear the story does a major 'jump cut' and looks like it switches to an entirely different story. Any tips on how I could correct this for future reference? - Yes, it does feel like you glued two different stories together (especially with the, "And I installed random mod packs because they'd be 'demonic' and was tyrannical to those virtual civilizations). While I wasn't a fan of how the developers were acting, I was intrigued by the concept of adding in a final boss purely for the developer's entertainment. I think this should've been the main focus of your story and that could've been used for commentary on enemies like these in games.

The callous attitude acquired from modding the game to fit the player's needs could've also been further expanded upon as a critical characterizing bit. Furthermore, you should also address the issue of multiple copies off the boss from separate installations of the game (since while one copy might've gotten a happy ending, the others...not so much. They may've been beaten into oblivion for bragging rights). If it is just one copy that's acting from a server, then I'd also like to see some addressing of how the player's treatment of Deathwyrm contrasts with how other players have approached her.

[SREDISKRAD]

Comments:
Plot:

• I can definitely agree with the main character that I still haven't gotten the popularity of minecraft yet. Still haven't, but that'r probably because I diddle around in things like Blender and random code.

• The monsters fell quickly following the VR norm of "anatomy exists and things follow it", because game developers have had a very hard time giving VR players a health bar and found it easier to give monsters anatomic rules to follow – although skeletons had me stumped for a while before I found out what worked, hitting it until it dies...again.

  
  How is this difficult? From a programming perspective, assigning a number to represent a character's health is actually easier to do than making a monster that has breakable parts. Furthermore, why is this a necessary plot element when it's contradicted later?

• I walked through and everything went from cheery to bleak, I could see, but the majority of the light came from some kind of lake below, until I realized it was a lake of lava and I thought to myself, ‘I live here now, and I'm not bothered. I shall become hell-spawn and crawl to the world when I need to plunder it of its resources.' I set about making a demonic mansion, taking time out of the game to install mods to the game to make it look even better.
  
  Eventually I dubbed myself the devil and owned every evil creature ever, running amuck over the world when I felt like it, modding the overworld to have much more civilization to it so destroying it was much more satisfying. I owned enough resources that I built up where the portal in the overworld was, making everything look dead and corrupt. The game was so satisfying to play now and I was much better at it then my friends, they couldn't beat me at anything. I used it when I felt evil or when I needed a release from being angry, taking it out on the ‘testificates' – or plebs/peons as I called them – of the overworld.

  
  If this was an attempt to show the protagonist's dive into darkness before facing the final boss, I'm not getting it. It could've easily been achieved with other mods and I didn't feel like it had too much impact on the battle with Deathwrym.

• I came on to find that there was an update to actually be able to beat the game and I knew there was no way I could lose, I had armies and was armed with the best weapons ever.

  
  Why. Was this update. Even made? If it's supposed to be an open-world building simulator with battling elements, this feels entirely random. This would also imply there's some loose plotline to the game we're not aware of.

• I was greeted, strangely, with a warning telling me to turn back as the following challenge may be slightly glitch – like I gave a fuck. I passed the error and looked back at it smiling, the error message on the back was "Good luck, you're gonna need it."

  
  And the developers didn't put a notice on the glitch in the news release because? I'm kind of disturbed by the fact the devs put the warning in game, but not in the news update. Also, what is that glitch? Is it that the people playing with VR are going to die if the glitch happens?

• I ate a single item of food to fill myself up and heal me before I pulled the lever to open the gate.

  
  This implies the protagonist has a health bar.

• "The warnings were there, lucky for you, this is a game and I'm nothing but an extremely highly rendered figure with loads of animation commands. I also have an AI as intelligent as a normal human...so all you've got to worry about is getting back here with your second best kit." She was right, I did bring this upon myself.

  
  Why is the final boss breaking the wall? She also contradicts herself by saying that she's a highly rendered figure with loads of animation commands, but also has an AI.
• While I do appreciate the character giving the final boss a break from what she had to do every time someone reached her, I'm a bit baffled on how he was so easily able to treat her like a physical person. This could be solved by explaining why the player loved VR games (which is a critical plot point since it causes the protagonist to stop avoiding Cube World), especially in the character <-> player aspect.

Mechanics:
Sentences that need fixing are requoted with and without my edits. The underlines indicate additions and the strikethroughs indicate deletions. Overall, they weren't wordy. It's just that some sentences needed to be split. (And you needed to hit the enter key on some of the dialogue for readability).

• Ever since its release in 2029, 'CubeWorld' became massive with primary school pupils and avid gamers alike. It exploded among the population, and for a while, I neglected its existence entirely – mostly because I'm a cheapskate and its graphics looked appalling, especially compared to VR alternatives.

  
  becomes
  

  Ever since its release in 2029, 'CubeWorld' became massively popular with primary school pupils and avid gamers alike. It exploded among the population, and fFor a while, I neglected its existence entirely – mostly because I'm a cheapskate and its graphics looked appalling, especially compared to VR alternatives.

• I caved in about 3 weeks ago and got it, its new update told of VR compatibility, which made me want to try it for fun. I got home and loaded it up on my console and plugged myself into the game as it phase me into a room made of cubes of different materials.

  
  becomes
  

  I caved in about 3 weeks ago and got it,. The new update said it was VR compatibilitye, which made me want to try it for fun. I got home and loaded it up on my console and plugged myself into the game as it phased me into a room made of cubes of different materials.

  
  Also, was the placing the multiple ands in between "I got home", "loaded it up on my console", and "plugged myself into the game" intentional? If not, it sounded a little jarring since the items weren't of equal importance to me.

• I took my blocks of wood and turned them into a 'workbench' which allowed me to build more complex things, thankfully the crafting system was easy, as I was terrible with my hands.

  
  

  I took my blocks of wood and turned them into a 'workbench' which allowed me to build more complex things, t. Thankfully the crafting system was easy, as I was terrible with my hands.

• I walked out and was cheered, looking around there were loads of enemy monsters, all sitting/standing and cheering me into the ring. I soaked it up, thrusting my fist into the air, sword in hand, and made my way to the centre where an announcer came through a loudspeaker, "Please, keep calm for the player, the match hasn't even started yet, please sit down and give it up for ‘The Deathwyrm!'" My composure dropped as I turned around to see a gate as wide as a lorry and twice as tall as one open up slowly. A small dainty thing that looked like a gerbil came out of the opening when the gate was fully open and I laughed, "Aww, that's cute." Suddenly a luminous pair of white teeth appeared behind it, causing my demeanour to drop. It jumped out and consumed the smaller creature that came out afore it. "I'm sorry about the appetizer coming out, it was giving me a run around in my chamber…but my main has finally arrived." The crowd seemed to go ballistic, whooping and cheering. "Holy shit!" I commented, backing off, "Hey, can't we talk about this?"

  
  becomes
  

  I walked out and was cheered, looking around there were loads of enemy monsters, all sitting/standing and cheering me into the ring. I soaked it up, thrusting my fist into the air, sword in hand, and made my way to the centre where an announcer came through a loudspeaker, "Please, keep calm for the player, the match hasn't even started yet, please sit down and give it up for ‘The Deathwyrm!'"
  
  My composure dropped as I turned around to see a gate as wide as a lorry and twice as tall as one open up slowly. A small dainty thing that looked like a gerbil came out of the opening when the gate was fully open and I laughed, "Aww, that's cute."
  
  Suddenly a luminous pair of white teeth appeared behind it, causing my demeanour to drop. It jumped out and consumed the smaller creature that came out afore it. "I'm sorry about the appetizer coming out, it was giving me a run around in my chamber...but my main has finally arrived."
  
  The crowd seemed to go ballistic, whooping and cheering. "Holy shit!" I commented, backing off, "Hey, can't we talk about this?"
  

• 
  
  Inside the stomach I panicked, and I couldn't calm down because she'd prepared and the biting acids were already peeling my armour off…which was bad news for any skin it touched, disintegrating it. I tried tapping my arm and checked my inventory to find a single dagger. I took it out and thrust it into the wall of the stomach, I continued stabbing around and got the best results for sticking the knife in the floor and letting the acids digest the host, but I wasn't in the best condition, those acids were potent. She coughed me up before I could do more damage, and it was clear neither of us were in any condition to fight. I was missing half my muscles, and the half I did have were barely keeping me together and alive, and she was curling up into a ball, angry at me for cutting her stomach but in way to much pain to do anything but cry and cuddle herself. I almost felt sorry for her, and if she wasn't trying to kill me I may have tried to help her. The announcer came back, "I don't believe it, it seems we have a draw!" I got angry at him for being loud, we both had headaches. I turned to the crowd, where the speaker was, "Shut the fuck up! There are no winners." I walked over to the Deathwyrm and offered her a hand, "Come on, I'll get you something to eat that won't fight back, and you won't have to live under their rules and fight for their entertainment." She looked at me, and took my hand. The audience gasped, but we just hobbled out of here, supporting each other.

  
  becomes
  

  Inside the stomach I panicked, and I couldn't calm down because she'd prepared and the biting acids were already peeling my armour off...which was bad news for any skin it touched, disintegrating it. I tried tapping my arm and checked my inventory to find a single dagger. I took it out and thrust it into the wall of the stomach, I continued stabbing around and got the best results for sticking the knife in the floor and letting the acids digest the host, but I wasn't in the best condition, those acids were potent. She coughed me up before I could do more damage, and it was clear neither of us were in any condition to fight. I was missing half my muscles, and the half I did have were barely keeping me together and alive, and she was curling up into a ball, angry at me for cutting her stomach but in way to much pain to do anything but cry and cuddle herself. I almost felt sorry for her, and if she wasn't trying to kill me I may have tried to help her.
  
  The announcer came back, "I don't believe it, it seems we have a draw!"
  
  I got angry at him for being loud, we both had headaches. I turned to the crowd, where the speaker was, "Shut the fuck up! There are no winners." I walked over to the Deathwyrm and offered her a hand, "Come on, I'll get you something to eat that won't fight back, and you won't have to live under their rules and fight for their entertainment."
  
  She looked at me, and took my hand. The audience gasped, but we just hobbled out of here, supporting each other.

~~~~~
Questions for the Readers:
My writing possibly lacks continuity...tell me how bad it is, because I fear the story does a major 'jump cut' and looks like it switches to an entirely different story. Any tips on how I could correct this for future reference? - Yes, it does feel like you glued two different stories together (especially with the, "And I installed random mod packs because they'd be 'demonic' and was tyrannical to those virtual civilizations). While I wasn't a fan of how the developers were acting, I was intrigued by the concept of adding in a final boss purely for the developer's entertainment. I think this should've been the main focus of your story and that could've been used for commentary on enemies like these in games.

The callous attitude acquired from modding the game to fit the player's needs could've also been further expanded upon as a critical characterizing bit. Furthermore, you should also address the issue of multiple copies off the boss from separate installations of the game (since while one copy might've gotten a happy ending, the others...not so much. They may've been beaten into oblivion for bragging rights). If it is just one copy that's acting from a server, then I'd also like to see some addressing of how the player's treatment of Deathwyrm contrasts with how other players have approached her.

Thanks for all the feedback. I'm probably going to remove it from my gallery at the end of the month. Reason being is because I hate the piece, it's not the quality I expect of myself. Again, thanks for all the feedback.