Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - All Submissions In

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Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - All Submissions In

Postby Imrhys » Sat Jun 04, 2016 3:43 pm

July is now Closed!

The EPWG is a casual monthly topic for authors to post short stories or portions of larger stories and get guaranteed feedback. Everyone is welcome to participate! Authors who submit a story any given month are asked to read and comment on the three stories that are assigned to them that same month, but you don't have to be an author to read and give feedback, and authors don't have to limit their feedback just to the stories assigned to them. You can check out the guidelines for participation here, and you can participate in the discussion surrounding the EPWG here, if you'd like.

Authors of all skill levels and interests are welcome (see the guidelines for details); please just make sure you do your best to proofread your submission, and make sure it in some way is related to vore or endo, given the nature of this site.

- - - - - - -

Need a little inspiration to help you get started? How about participating in this month's Theme/Challenge?

Suggested Theme for this month - And the long, hot, dry, brutal summer begins. How does this impact preds and their prey?

Remember, the Theme is completely optional. If it does not help your writing, then do what works best for you.

- - - - - - -

DEADLINES:
All submissions for July must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Friday, July 1st.
All critiques for July must be posted in this topic by 11:59pm, Saturday, July 30th.

- - - - - - -
Last edited by Imrhys on Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:59 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Imrhys » Sat Jun 04, 2016 3:44 pm

To enter this month, just read the first post to make sure you know what's going on, and fill out a copy of this template in your own post! :)

Instructions: Quote this post when you post your submission. Everything in bold should stay, and everything not in bold should be deleted or replaced. Attach your submission as an .rtf or .doc or .txt or .pdf, or post a link. If you link off-site, make sure it's publicly accessible (no password-protection) and isn't swarming with ads or is poorly-formatted.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Answer with how you prefer to be called in posts. (Example: 4ofSwords)
Your writing library URL(s): (Example: http://aryion.com/g3/showgallery.php?id=102910)
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? (They're only 1127 words. Consider them good preparation for your reading assignment.)
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? (This is the heart and soul of the reading group - it's important.)
Have you proofread your own story? (Yes is the only good answer!)

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Let us know a little something about the story. Make this part compelling to help you get readers! (Example: Spider Woman. She's a science experiment gone wrong. He's from some shadowy government agency. He … err, the other 'He'... is dinner! Lust, intrigue, and plenty of spidery vore and cocooning!)
Word Count: Give an accurate, discrete, positive integer. There is no hard limit to word count, but stories assigned readers aren't responsible for more than the first 2000 words or so, and stories over 5000 words should be considered for breaking into smaller chapters.
Rating and Classification: Let us know what kind of vore and how much. Be sure to let us know if there is sex, gore, scat, digestion, etc., since those tend to be the major touchpoints. (Example: Rated “R” for descriptive nudity, sexiness, and naughty words. Contains F/M spidery (oral/vampiric) vore.)
Type of Critique Preferred: Do you want it harsh or gentle? In-depth, or impressionistic? Are you looking for the reader to pay special attention to technique, or to grammar, or to style? (Example: Harsh/honest critique is preferred. Tell me what you liked or didn't, or what took you out of the reading experience. Specific examples preferred.)
Questions for the Readers: If there's anything in particular you want the reader to think about or answer, here's your chance! (Example: Was her monologuing a bit much?)

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: Tell us what you'd prefer to read or not to read. (Example: I like sentient female preds. I dislike scat, pain, and cockvore. I will read anything from Pokemon fanfic to the scenes that make Larry Flint blush.)
Critiquing Style: What kind of a critic are you? (Example: I'm a pretty harsh critic who is easily hung up by bad spelling and punctuation. I'm handy at suggesting alternative wording/plot points, etc.)

Don't forget to attach your writing!

Summary of previous Chapters If you need a summary of previous chapters OR key back story, Please insert it via this spoiler area.
Spoiler: show
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Hathias » Sat Jun 04, 2016 10:33 pm

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Hathias
Your writing library URL(s): I do not have a gallery but I did post this story on this thread.
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Indeed I have.
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? Yes I have.
Have you proofread your own story? Indeed!

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: An Exciting Gift is about a dragon queen and her ocelot pet, who receive a strange spell scroll from a passing group of nomads. She studies the spells and decides to try one on her pet ocelot.
Word Count: 3,554
Rating and Classification: There is a single instance of soft oral vore between two consenting adult females with a master/pet relationship. There is disposal at the end with reformation afterward. Beforehand, there is a breast-feeding scene and sexual content involving fingering. The vore is also treated sexually. The digestion is light and non graphic, and so is the disposal.
Type of Critique Preferred: I want the straight truth. No sugar coating.
Questions for the Readers: Did I break up the dialogue well? Is everything described with the proper amount of detail? Are the characters cardboard cutouts or okay as far as individuality?

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I am fine with mostly everything so long as it does not involve rape, sadism, extreme pain, gore, or fully non-consensual scenes.
Critiquing Style: What kind of a critic are you? I am pretty gentle with my words.

Don't forget to attach your writing! I didn't!
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If I were a dragon, I'd be a RainWing.

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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby booleanTrue » Sun Jun 05, 2016 8:13 am

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: boolean, booleanTrue
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/gallery/booleanTrue
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? I have and I do
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? (This is the heart and soul of the reading group - it's important.) Yep!
Have you proofread your own story? (Yes is the only good answer!) Sure have!

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: "Toriel Vore Story" is exactly what it says on the tin. It is told in mixed second/third person perspective and is about an adult human falling into the Underground. In this world, though, monsters devour humans in order to absorb their souls.
Word Count: 5318
Rating and Classification: Story contains shrink, macro/micro, food prep, oral vore, belching, somewhat explicit digestion, unwilling prey, asexual nudity on the prey side, furry female pred, and human prey. There is gore if you have a strong affection for snails.

Type of Critique Preferred: I would prefer critique to be more on the gentle side but by no means be afraid to say what needs to be said! I would love an in-depth look at my technique but if you feel you cannot manage it then your impressions are just as good. How did I do describing the mechanics of being eaten (the prep, the pre-vore, the mouth, the throat, the stomach)? What about the mental state of the prey? Is it believable or engaging to read (how easy was it to place yourself in the story? Did any passages or descriptions jar you out of it?)? Does the prose flow well (vocabulary, pacing, sentence variety) and are there any glaring issues in my grammar? How well did I keep with the pred's (admittedly limited) characterization? You do not have to address all of these questions but I would be very grateful if you could go in-depth on at least two of them. I also understand that this story exceeds the word count for "small" stories so feel free to skip past the first half or so until you get to the proper vore stuff. It begins with the passage "The pie is indescribably good..." If you feel like critiquing any of the non-vore parts then go right ahead.

Questions for the Readers: See above

YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I generally prefer soft oral vore but light hard vore (minor bites, scrapes, drawing a little blood) is also okay (i.e. no vivid descriptions of extreme pain and bone breaking, profuse/excessive bleeding,torture etc.). Cockvore, anal vore, unbirth, explicit scat, and male human preds are no-nos, as is explicit sex between non-humanoids. Other sexual stuff is fine but I probably won't be focusing on it too much unless specifically requested. I am quite a fan of macro/micro, food and food prep, belching, unwilling prey, digestion (with or without reforming), and indifferent or taunting preds.

Critiquing Style: I'm a pretty soft critic. My forte is grammar, spelling, and phrasing but I'll try my best to address any and all questions and concerns you may have. This is both my first time writing and submitting a story as well as my first time critiquing. If you find any issues whatsoever in my critique then feel free to let me know. I want to be the best critic that I can.

Don't forget to attach your writing! Here it is! ---> http://aryion.com/g4/view/346588
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby booleanTrue » Wed Jun 15, 2016 2:49 am

Since this thread is basically dead I'm gonna go ahead and do my best critique for Hathias's story. I will try to break this into sections of grammar, characterization/world building, and descriptiveness. Like I said in my post feel free to ask me any questions you have about my critique. Without further ado, let's begin! :D

Your grammar is pretty dang good, over all. I am impressed. There are a few instances of misspelled words but they are minor and do not detract from the story. One such example:

She would have to complement their handler later...


This is easily corrected by doing a thorough proofread after you've finished your first draft. Still, it's hardly a glaring mistake and you even used the correct form of the word later on so I'm guessing this was just a typo.

Your main grammatical issues seem to lie with with the deadly comma. You have a bit of tendency to write run-on sentences and to overuse commas. Do not fret for I (and many others) struggle with the same thing. I'll try to break down an example for you.

Rather, she was an orphan who had been raised and nurtured by the dragoness, and was now her pet, keeping her company and pleasing her in any way she wished.


Here the second comma (after "dragoness") is not necessary. It creates an unnecessary pause.

For the next few hours, she presided over a feast in the adjoining dining hall, which, like the rest of the sprawling palace, was made of tanned sandstone with large windows overlooking the arid but fruitful landscape of her lands.


This is a run-on sentence. It would best be split up into two separate ones. Additionally, the first comma is not needed. Here's an example:

For the next few hours she presided over a feast in the adjoining dining hall. Like the rest of the sprawling palace, it was made of tanned sandstone with large windows overlooking the arid but fruitful landscape of her lands.


By doing this you undo a run-on sentence and create variety in your sentence structure. What I mean by variety is the length and wording of each sentence. You prevent your reader from becoming bored by the prose this way. While we're on the subject of sentence variety I would also encourage you to keep a lookout for redundant phrasing or descriptions. A prime example is the last bit of that sentence:

"landscape of her lands"

In this case the last three words are redundant and don't add anything to the sentence. You can either change the last word to something else (e.g. territory, kingdom, realm) or remove the last three entirely. By doing this you aren't use the same or similar words over and over which prevents your reader from being jarred out of the story.

On the matter of characterization I unfortunately don't have a lot of help to give. I'm a fledgling writer myself and creating characters is something new to me. That said, I will share my impressions.

You've done a pretty good job of using indirect characterization. I can get a pretty good idea of what kind of person Cillian is just based on her reputation in the story, her role as a queen and many titles, her proficiency with magic, and - most importantly - her treatment of Zeri. She is dominating and regal but also gentle and affectionate. The dialogue (which was well placed throughout the story, by the way) between the two was pretty damn cute I'll have to say. The same goes for the ocelot. I got a very good impression of their relationship from this brief little window, I felt. Good job on that. The only thing I'd change about the dialogue is to be sure to start a new paragraph every time a character speaks or to start a new one after they have spoken if it is only one line. Let me find an example.

She looked confused as her mistress leaned in to whisper, “You~.” Before she even had time to process that Cillian opened her maw and roughly stuffed Zeri between said jaws.


There ought to be a new paragraph after the dialogue there. This one isn't a huge deal since it didn't really take me out of the story; it just would have been a little easier to read. Really not a big deal though.

Your descriptions are mostly good but not always. I'm sure you've heard the old adage "show, don't tell". I'll give some examples where you succeeded and some that could have used a little more work.

The good:

It was more like taking a warm bath in a very tight cocoon of thick and wet membrane.


You used a simile here instead of just describing what's happening with adjectives alone. It's really effective writing and I encourage you to try for more of it. It isn't easy to do (I speak from experience) but it's very worth it.

Needs improvement:

into the intense heat, darkness, and cacophony of noise that was her Queen’s interior


You tell us what is happening and it's pretty descriptive but it could be elevated to another level. Instead of just saying there's intense heat, you could liken it to something else. For the noises you could possibly go into detail on what kinds of noises she's hearing and what they remind her of or sound like.

As a quick side note, you seemed to have slipped from past tense into present tense at the beginning of the vore stuff. I imagine this was just an honest mistake as I've caught myself doing the same thing. In the future I'd recommend keeping an eye out for sudden tense shifts during your proofread (if not during your drafting) and correcting them as necessary.

That covers the main things that stuck out to me. I apologize if this was not the sort of critique you wanted to hear but I tried to address your questions as well as the things that I noticed. Like I said above feel free to ask me to elaborate and to challenge anything you think I said wrong. Overall this story shows a lot of promise in you as a writer and I urge you to keep at it!
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Hathias » Wed Jun 15, 2016 5:43 pm

booleanTrue wrote:-snipped for length purposes-


No, no, that was quite descriptive and thank you for your attention. I am glad you enjoyed it and thanks for pointing out those errors... I will have to incorporate what you said in the future in that sort of erotica and in any less sexualized stories I might create.

As a note, I have not heard that saying, "Show, don't tell." That will be quite useful.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Imrhys » Thu Jun 16, 2016 12:08 am

booleanTrue wrote:Since this thread is basically dead I'm gonna go ahead and do my best critique for Hathias's story...


It seems you misunderstand how EPWG works. First submissions are submitted over a month long open submissions period, and then over the NEXT month, reviews are given. So for July's round of reviews, people submit the stories they wish reviewed during June.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby booleanTrue » Thu Jun 16, 2016 3:46 am

Imrhys wrote:
booleanTrue wrote:Since this thread is basically dead I'm gonna go ahead and do my best critique for Hathias's story...


It seems you misunderstand how EPWG works. First submissions are submitted over a month long open submissions period, and then over the NEXT month, reviews are given. So for July's round of reviews, people submit the stories they wish reviewed during June.


Oooooh, that makes sense. Seems the ten or so times that I've read the OP and the rules guide have failed to leave an impression on the brick in my head that passes for a human brain. It's not a problem that I posted a review in this thread, is it?
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Imrhys » Thu Jun 16, 2016 4:25 pm

booleanTrue wrote: It's not a problem that I posted a review in this thread, is it?


Nope. Just means you'll owe one less later ^^
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Imrhys » Fri Jun 24, 2016 11:03 pm

BUMP.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Gumdrop » Mon Jun 27, 2016 11:09 am

Hey again! It's been like forever, but I just wrote what I wanted to be a short thing, but... yeah.

ABOUT YOU:
Your name: Gumdrop!
Your writing library URL(s): http://aryion.com/g4/view/306390
Have you read the rules and guidelines, and do you agree to them? Of course!
In particular, have you read the part about providing meaty comments (at least two or three good paragraphs, and try to answer the author's questions, if any) on the three stories you're assigned, and do you agree? Yup, yup!
Have you proofread your own story? Yup!

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Magical Insides. Wulf, a tiny explorer standing at about half an inch tall, is obsessed with GETTING ATE BY ALL THE THINGS! He happens upon a Water Elemental and naturally wants to get in her belly. It's... not what he was expecting.
Word Count: 4652
Rating and Classification: I'm tempted to give it an E for Everyone despite the fetishy content. It's cute, innocent, but a little bit surreal. There is digestion, but it's soft and not at all graphic. If diabeetus isn't your thing, you might want to shy away from this ^^;
Type of Critique Preferred: I like honesty. If you didn't like a scene, just tell me! But do be sure to say WHY you didn't like something. Otherwise, I don't know what to improve on!
Questions for the Readers: Due to lack of dialog, it's kind of hard to characterize Wulf. How did he come across?
YOUR READING LIST:
Rating and Classification Preferred: I like three things most of all; Micro, sweet nonfatal stuff, and cute female preds. As for my dislikes... Most male/feral preds, unnecessary cruelty, same-size vore...
Critiquing Style: I'm honest. If something bothered me, I will say it, doesn't matter if it's grammar (I'm a huge grammar nazi) or story. I usually try to suggest alternatives, though!

Don't forget to attach your writing! Almost forgot ^^ http://aryion.com/g4/view/349767

Summary of previous Chapters If you need a summary of previous chapters OR key back story, Please insert it via this spoiler area.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby User1205952 » Thu Jun 30, 2016 6:49 am

...
Last edited by User1205952 on Sat May 26, 2018 10:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby booleanTrue » Fri Jul 01, 2016 3:54 am

YOUR POST:
Title/Summary: Magical Insides. Wulf, a tiny explorer standing at about half an inch tall, is obsessed with GETTING ATE BY ALL THE THINGS! He happens upon a Water Elemental and naturally wants to get in her belly. It's... not what he was expecting.
Word Count: 4652
Rating and Classification: I'm tempted to give it an E for Everyone despite the fetishy content. It's cute, innocent, but a little bit surreal. There is digestion, but it's soft and not at all graphic. If diabeetus isn't your thing, you might want to shy away from this ^^;
Type of Critique Preferred: I like honesty. If you didn't like a scene, just tell me! But do be sure to say WHY you didn't like something. Otherwise, I don't know what to improve on!
Questions for the Readers: Due to lack of dialog, it's kind of hard to characterize Wulf. How did he come across?


I'm going to try to do this the same I way I did for my other review. I'll be breaking things into rough sections of grammar, descriptiveness/prose, characterization/world building, and of course author questions and concerns.

The first issue I can spot with your grammar is punctuation. You have a tendency to over- and/or misuse commas and semicolons. Examples:

As a result, they preferred to stay out of sight, unseen by the eyes of the giant people.


Due to its dense green, it was a little challenging to navigate for someone of his size, which suited Wulf just fine.


In both cases the first comma isn't necessary and adds a pause where there doesn't have to be. The reason I'm highlighting this is that you have many, many complicated sentences in your story that are peppered with commas. They are very useful and I use them quite a bit myself but you may want to consider breaking up your lengthier, comma-heavy sentences with shorter, simpler ones. Doing so will keep your readers from getting lost in or confused by the prose.

On the topic of semicolons I found a few examples where you used them incorrectly. A semicolon's main job is to combine two independent clauses that are related to or contrast one another. An independent clause is any complete sentence.

From the moment he was first devoured and emerged alive from the body of a wild creature, he had developed a rather unique hobby; being eaten by as many different creatures and people as possible.


He wandered through what was called the Border Forest, so named because it formed a thick dividing line between two major lands in the world; the lush green landscapes of Eria, and the red deserts of Geldar.


In each case, the first half is an independent clause but the section after the semicolon is not. You can either replace the semicolon with a colon or rephrase the sentence to be two independent clauses.

These flowers, as well as the grass beneath them, swayed gently as a slight breeze brushed past them, carrying their pleasant smell to the tiny person sitting on the leaf of a bush, taking a short break and surveying the area.


This here is a run-on sentence. You ought to put a period in place of the third comma. The last two clauses can then be reworked to be independent. You can also remove the second "them" because it's unnecessarily repetitive. Finally you don't have to (and shouldn't) use the present participle (-ing words used to modify a word or as the act of doing something) so much. You can use infinitives ("to X" verbs e.g. "to do", "to eat") instead. I'll give an example:

  These flowers, as well as the grass beneath them, swayed gently as a slight breeze brushed past. It carried their pleasant smell to the tiny person sitting on the leaf of a bush, taking a short break to survey the area.  


That's enough grammar for now, I think.

Your descriptions and prose are very good; they made it easy to put myself in Wulf's shoes. You've got a good vocabulary and you use it appropriately. I very much got a sense of wonder, horror, and mystification at Wulf's experience. Very well done. I especially liked everything with him in the stomach and afterwards. The buildup was well-paced too and the progression of events felt natural.

If there's one issue I had with your general prose it is that is at times too informal. Here's some passages demonstrating what I mean:

In a world full of strange creatures and still stranger people -Heck, one of the world's leaders was literally a jester with a crown- it takes a lot to stand out...


Was he going to spend the rest of his life -no, his EXISTENCE- here?


This isn't even a major gripe since it works with the lighthearted feel of the story. It was just a little... hammy, at times. I'm not sure if that's the right word. Sorry.

I liked the world building that you included in the story. It wasn't a straight information dump but the bits and pieces you included for us were creative and interesting without commandeering the story. I especially felt like I got a good understanding of the elementals and how they worked, with healthy doses of both direct

Elementals were creatures born when magic of a single element concentrated in a small area, similar to how gemstones would form in the depths of the earth.


and indirect exposition (the entire process of Wulf's experience).

Characterization for both parties wasn't especially deep but it got the job done. For there being almost no dialogue in the story, though, it was pretty good. The elemental was a cute and curious little thing but also appreciative of the world around her and of the actions of others. Wulf's characterization was almost entirely direct based on the limitations of the story but I got the idea. He's very much an "act first ask questions later" kind of guy but still has the awareness to realize when he's gotten himself in too deep. I found his gung-ho attitude rather enjoyable, if a bit one-dimensional at times.

Overall you're a solid writer with a few easy-to-fix grammar issues. I actually wouldn't even call them that since you were mostly correct with all of your grammar use. The few issues you had with commas and semicolons were not even present in every instance.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Gumdrop » Fri Jul 01, 2016 5:56 am

Thanks for the review, Boolean! If you'll excuse me for a moment, I gotta commit seppuku for failing in my duties as a grammar nazi...

...Right, I'm back. Hurts like a mother, but I can still comment ^^ I'm glad the worldbuilding isn't too forced! I plan to use Talyris a LOT more, so it's nice to know that I'm not dumping too much on the reader :3 As for grammar, I guess I went a little crazy with the commas, yeah. Weird things tend to happen when I write vore :P There's actually a lot more to Wulf's character that I didn't show here, mostly because it only really shines through when he interacts with people, especially fellow tinies ^^;

Overall, I'm glad you enjoyed it, and I'll try to be more consistent with my grammar next time XD
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby User1205952 » Fri Jul 01, 2016 7:12 am

...
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby booleanTrue » Fri Jul 01, 2016 2:40 pm

I hope my critique doesn’t come across as too harsh; I feel that I need to show a little harshness for my critique to be of any use to you.


It doesn't, really! I did say that you shouldn't be afraid to say what needs to be said and I'd rather have helpful honesty than flattering dishonesty. Thank you for sticking to your guns. I am grateful you took the time to read the whole 5k word monstrosity, too.

I found the brief head-hopping into Toriel’s thoughts a little jarring.


It definitely came out of nowhere. In future stories with multiple POVs I will make sure that all characters get a proper introduction from the get-go.

Her sudden shift from ‘I’m sorry for having to do this to you’ to ‘I’ll hum a tune as I swallow you down’ did not come across as very convincing to me in terms of believable character development, but the little peek into her thoughts did help to explain her behaviour a little.


I went to all this trouble to break immersion by suddenly including a pred POV and then totally failed to use it to my advantage. I was worried I had done this in my rereads of the story after posting. Thank you for calling it out.

I think a little trimming here and there would make your prose even better. You were a little heavy handed with the adverbs, and while adverbs themselves are not as bad as most writers assume, there were some that didn’t really seem to add much flavour to your writing because of the ‘telling’ nature of adverbs.


You are not the first person to say this about my writing. I will try harder to keep a handle on them and use more showing instead of telling.

Thank you once again for taking the time to review the stories in this thread!
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby Imrhys » Sun Jul 03, 2016 7:58 pm

Well I see people got impatient *chuckles* With three submissions I would ask if y'all wanted to just review each other "anyways" regardless of not three reviews per submission, but... *chuckles, hand waving* Congrats on being proactive.

Actually I'm glad we got to three submissions. I'm rather fond of EPWG and keeping it going/alive.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - Open

Postby User1205952 » Mon Jul 04, 2016 9:43 am

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Last edited by User1205952 on Sat May 26, 2018 10:21 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - All Submissions In

Postby Imrhys » Thu Aug 04, 2016 2:58 pm

Apologies for being away, and it seems I've got some work to take care of regarding reviews.
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Re: Eka's Portal Writing Group - July - All Submissions In

Postby Gumdrop » Sat Aug 06, 2016 4:00 pm

AGH, I completely forgot I still had review to write for this group, sorry everyone! I'll get on it right away, starting with Hathias' story. As usual, I'll put it in spoiler tags for everyone else's convenience...

Spoiler: show
I'm going to have to preface this review by saying our interests... don't align even in the slightest. I'll try to be as unbiased as possible, but I can't promise that I won't sound more negative than I otherwise would. Nevertheless, here we go. I'll try to answer all your questions one by one, and then comment on anything else I feel is worth mentioning.

The dialogue was broken up well in my opinion. I didn't feel like I was wading through a massive dump of dialogue, but there was still just enough to get the point across when descriptions would have been needlessly complex. I liked the way dialogue was handled in this story. In a more sensual environment like here, actions speak far louder than words, and you showed that very well. This actually leads to...

The descriptions. Hoo boy, you were REALLY descriptive. I would say overly so at times. It might just be me, but some of the words you used (digitigrade? coatimundi?) just confused me. Maybe you could consider using slightly simpler words. I respect your expansive vocabulary, but it doesn't do the story very good to me.

Characters are one thing I tend to overanalyze, so let's run the two main characters down one by one.
First off, Cillian. She struck me as a very loving mistress, but also a bit curious, yet with enough of a dominant side to justify her role. Like most of the story, she was more defined by her actions than her words, and while I myself would prefer a mix of both, what you have here is perfectly acceptable. Dragons aren't quite my thing, but I can appreciate the effort that went into portraying her as a character with more than one side to her. She was a fairly well-rounded character in my opinion.
Next and lastly, Zeri. I'll be honest; I didn't get much of her personality besides her love for Cillian and being a total sub to her. She was quiet and pretty much only seemed to respond to Cillian's actions, rather than doing anything by herself. This sort of character CAN be done well, but I feel like Zeri was just there as a means to drive the plot forward and get to the juicy bits. Maybe if she was just a bit more proactive, she'd be more interesting.

I should also mention the vore. You know, the reason this story's in here. The pacing in this part was a bit... lopsided. On one hand, the act was described in excruciating, delicious detail. The process of swallowing Zeri was very slow, very well detailed, and honestly a pretty fantastic vore/lewd scene! However, I feel like the digestion and disposal was very... skipped over. It made me feel like you didn't care enough for the rest of the process to justify giving it the same attention, even though you totally could! With Zeri in Cillian's stomach, already aroused, you could easily slip in some more lewd stuff while she's melting away. Right now, though, the post-vore seems a bit... rushed in my opinion.

One last thing I feel deserves mentioning is that I actually REALLY liked the 'speed' in this story. You knew pretty well when to slow down and chew the scenery (And the kittens XP) and when to suddenly speed things up. This was especially apparent during the more lewd scenes, such as the first time Cillian suddenly shoves her finger up Zeri's snatch. It takes less than a sentence for that to happen, so it feels very sudden, which I think is the feel you were going for. I like that. A lot. Nice job on that.

I don't think there's much more for me to say, considering Boolean did a fantastic job dissecting your grammar already. Overall, even though the content is pretty far out of my comfort zone, I can appreciate the work that went into the story, and I hope I helped you figure out what to improve on in some way ^^


Hope it helped! I'll try to get your review done tomorrow, Boolean!
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