Posted by Star_Sage 15 years ago Report

It's same size, but that's not too bad for this one. The actual swallowing is described well, and the characters come off as people if somewhat strange. I may have missed it, but I saw no references to how the girl was capable of doing this, but that's sometimes the case in these type of stories. Other than that, it's an almost flawless example of what you like. Good job.

Posted by Lucky 15 years ago Report

Yay! Sorry it's not quite to your tastes, buddy. ^ ^; Thanks for telling me whatcha thought though!

Posted by Carnoustie 15 years ago Report

Lot to say... I hope. I'm sure my comments won't be near as generous as yours typically are to me.

I like the characters, namely that you didn't ever really say who they were but left it to the reader to relate them to real people they knew. And they're really stereotypical personalities, which is good in a way because every reader is sure to know them both.

Can't say much for Val since she slept the whole time and the only personality trait she exhibited was sorrowed acceptance which anyone can really show. I guess it's both unrealistic and mature that she acknowledged her friends had died to help her social standing so quickly.

There are some things you did make special points to say and it kinda defeats the purpose of not introducing them, namely the fact that they were Asian, then Chinese immediately after. One might have worked, but with both like that with no relevence to the story, it wasn't exactly subtle.

I feel an odd attraction to Scarfy because I collected plush animals when I was younger and had relationships with them. I'll show you some sometime, maybe mail you one. n.n;; Pictures will do for now.

Um, that's about it, I guess. I thought it odd that the omniscient third person narrator used Dee-dee's nickname. Also, how old are these girls? Pubescent, at least, but they seemed kinda childish, maybe thirteen or so. D: IS THIS CHILD PORN?!!?!?

I liked it, and I could get off to it. All in all a cute story. Short, too, which I liked, but no ding in character development, which was nice. I give it an A-.

Posted by Lucky 15 years ago Report

Ooh, yeah, I see exactly what you mean with the Asian vs. Chinese. I had forgotten to change that. ^ ^; There was something else I meant to switch before submitting that I forgot; exchange "extrawfawegaw" for "eccentricity", please. o///o

Ooh! I had a lotta stuffed animals growing up too! We should do a trade.

I left the ages ambiguous intentionally. This story could even be about young women in their twenties. I was just curious as to where people would place them in their minds.

Thank you for the critique! ^ ^

Posted by Fidel2323 15 years ago Report

oh, i love the story, but never think, they are underage.
oh, and the "end" of the story is great^^
three thumbs for scat :D

Posted by Outcast 15 years ago Report

It seemed hard picture the girls