What's been going on with me:
Posted by Humbug 7 years ago
Hey, been three months since my last mental health journal. Not bad! I'd keep this current issue out of the public eye, but it affects my commissioners, so it's kind of relevant.
Anyway, I think I might have a fear of success. I've seen it in other people before, and now I think I'm experiencing it myself. I've been in some pretty good places in my life before, making okay money and being relatively happy, but I kept trying to improve my lot in life by getting a master's degree and moving out to the eastern part of the U.S. from Nebraska. That wound up being a big mistake. In leaving the relative security of the job I already had and out of an area where people knew me, I became just another nobody with a degree and no money. I tried substitute-teaching, but the pay was garbage and the work was erratic and unreliable, not to mention the zero money being brought in during the winter and summer breaks. All the while, I was looking for jobs and during the two years I was looking, I got one interview, which the interviewer didn't even contact me about afterward to tell me I didn't get the job.
So I moved in with my parents, and I'm dropping out of teaching entirely. There are other reasons for dropping out of teaching (The United States education system is paranoia-filled garbage, and no one knows what they're doing, myself included), but the point is that I'm looking into another career in proofreading and copy-editing. Or being a mailman. I don't fucking know right now.
Which brings me to the point of this journal: I'm pretty confident I could actually make an okay living with vore artwork, and I've actually legit tried to do it. I'm fast when I buckle down and do it, and the demand seems to be there. Hell, I even get some good ideas that earn me a lot of money really fast sometimes.
But then I start feeling like I shouldn't start being successful doing art for money because it could crash and burn like the other risks I've taken. Especially because art is a hobby for me, and doing it for money always feels weird. So when I suddenly get an influx of success, I start getting anxious. It's an instinctual, reflexive response, and it's holding me back, hard, but I have no idea how to get rid of it. It's like my brain is punishing me for doing a good job.
So, long story short, that's why I haven't finished the Shinara binge animatic yet and why I'm not just cranking out a bunch of commissions despite having an ever-growing waiting list. It's why I've only finished a couple of pages of Anashi's new tea-related shenanigans despite loving the idea. Hell, it's why I don't offer animation commissions anymore, even though I've proved I can do them quickly and well. If I start making money too fast, I just start getting anxious, and it sucks, and I hate it.
So yeah. There's my current situation. Thanks for listening, and I hope my commissioners can bare with me.
Posted by rbrdiesel 7 years ago Report
my advice: face your fear head on, you'll never get anywhere if you don't keep moving forward.
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Posted by Humbug 7 years ago Report
Thanks for the advice. :3[ Reply ]
Posted by MirceaKitsune 7 years ago Report
One semi-relevant remark about you dropping out of teaching: If I would have happened to go at a school then someday find out you were one of my teachers, my faith in society would be a lot higher as well as my interest in setting foot in a school again
I probably say this since it's especially rare for someone in such close communities I can identify with (furries, vore fans, etc) to be there, whereas school as I remember it was a nightmare which even today left irreparable damage into how I see the world. Still, maybe this is an inspiring thought.
Other than that, the only advice I can think of giving is the one I stand by: Do what makes you happy and what you like best, otherwise you might regret it later. Perhaps that doesn't always work out in 100% of cases, but it sure still is the idea I support.
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Posted by Humbug 7 years ago Report
Teaching used to make me happy. I don't know what does now, other than hobbies, which I don't really want to turn into work unless I can get paid specifically for doing something I enjoy.Also, you probably never would have connected my online persona with my professional one. I kept the two very, very separate because of how volatile the teaching profession is. "YOU HAVE A CANNIBALISM FETISH?! LOSE YOUR LICENSE! NEVER TEACH AGAIN!"
Now I don't care so much.
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Posted by RavenXeo 7 years ago Report
just slap your butt and jiggle into the future.
Live in the way that works. If you dont follow your dreams when they are available you wont get to follow them ever. who cares if it detonates around your ankles? You'll have fun and love in your heart for your progress and you may still continue into the future while everyone else gives up x3 Its my thoughts about youtube<3
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Posted by Humbug 7 years ago Report
lol wut
I'm trying to find the way that works. Thought I had it, but I was wrong. :3
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Posted by Cougar 7 years ago Report
I've become quite familiar with fear. The way it propagates does not follow rational thought. The best way to get rid of it is to ignore the effects like a child throwing a temper tantrum. I've done so with my fear of wasps.
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Posted by Humbug 7 years ago Report
Yeah. That's how I deal with it too. One issue I have is that my mental fortitude and willpower have just been...worn down in the last so many years. I need to find a way to get it back.
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