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Scaylid00d
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Halloween Spooky-Stream - Offline
   Sat Oct 14, 2017 11:13 am

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On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby Scaylid00d on Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:32 am

A big, hefty hello to you! />w<;/ Wow, it feels like it's been a long time, because it really has.

The below is just me addressing a problem that affected my attitude towards my own art. My apologies for it being such a long post, but there is a happy conclusion to this! If you take the time to read, I hope it's at least interesting :)

----- ~ ♥ ~ -----

I hate to admit it, but it's crucial for me to recognize it. For most of this year, I've let my daily grind get the better of me. It made me melancholic, avoidant, even lazy, and I hate that I let that happen. I feel I've misplaced a lot of the passion that used to drive me before, to not only persist in the completion of a project, but to just have genuine fun with it all, because I associated drawing with the dread of failure.

Recently, a lot of that inherent fun has instead been replaced with unjustified anxiety. In the average evening back from my day-job, my subconscious thought-process has been something like:
I'm tired now >> I won't be drawing the best I could be >> I'll probably somehow mess it up anyway >> This will be the time I mess up so bad, people will dislike me for it >> If my drawing ends up looking decent, it's accidental and by coincidence, I won't be able to do that again >> Procrastinate to the point that I finally give up for the day.

I say it's unjustified anxiety, because it obviously is. Of course such worst-case scenarios won't end up being the case. Of course not every drawing can "top" the one before it. I clearly put myself down way too much. What WILL impact my drawing career however, is if I don't actually draw!
On the evenings I do will myself to get some work done, I always end up having reasonable fun, but it's odd how quickly that joy is forgotten by the time I need to motivate myself to get back to it.

It's confoundingly tough to overcome that inner "voice" that puts me down this way. I like to describe it more as an impulse or intrusive thought, instead of an actual voice that you can hear.
All this has brought about the logical end-result. I've been far more avoidant than usual, to the point where I'm not answering my art accounts' messages for months. This is completely unacceptable.

In spite of this personal problem, I still love vore, this community, and all the weird, wonderful, and downright delightful ideas that are born out of it. And of course, I freaking LOVE drawing. This is why a dramatic change in mindset is necessary.

That self-deprecating "Voice" isn't entirely your enemy. It seems to be there to protect you, and can do so to your detriment. When mental systems like your self-esteem are threatened, it reacts in the first, most "obvious" way it thinks it will help. It cannot rationalize on its own whether this will actually help you. That seems to be your job to parse.
Personally, I've realized that somewhere along the way, early in my life, I developed a nasty attitude of "if I fail, that means I'm a bad person". Logically, failure isn't something "bad". It's experience that is earned.
I use a lot of unsure language here, because I speak primarily from my own experience, personal impression, and from what I've heard other artists talk about before. Please take all this with generous grains of salt, but at the very least I know its pertinent to my plight.

I'm a BIG fan of the movie "Revolver", by Guy Ritchie. It covers the concept of this inner "voice" incredibly well, and how it can even subvert your own free will. If you manage to get your hands on a copy, I HIGHLY recommend the watch :3

I mention this for context, because I feel I've turned a major corner in terms of how much credence I pay to this impulsive "voice". I'm making sure that I'm actively aware of it, as much as possible. These kinds of subconscious impulses shouldn't control my actions, but rather only serve to inform them. I should choose to heed it, not let myself passively accept its suggestion as reality or fact.

It will take some mental training and effort, but simple consistency and determination in the adoption of this new approach, should already make more than enough of a positive difference.

While I may have been absent for a long time on my art accounts, I've stayed relatively active doing my livestreams. Interestingly, while I stream, it's easy for me to get into that zone, where I practically let the drawings happen, and have genuine, minimally-inhibited fun! The last few times though, it's surprised me how quickly I'd fall back into that self-defeating frame of mind after a show, as soon as that very next day.

The all-too-familiar thought-process comes back: "I managed to draw well enough, but now that I still need to finish up yesterday's drawings, I'll probably ruin them. It'll all look worse than what they remember from the stream, and they'll stop trusting me to draw something else again."

That's where I hope this new mental steadfastness benefits me the most. Thinking in the way I'm used to can't possibly help, and will only serve to disappoint myself and you guys with my diminished performance.

I'm going to remain resolute, and see where this new attitude takes me.

----- ~ ♥ ~ -----

If you've read this far, thank you taking the time to share in what I've been dealing with.

Here's the best news, though. Because I didn't stop drawing outright, I have a good few pics ready to go <3 Tomorrow Sunday, I just need to finish up their descriptions and tags, and then I'll upload them. I've set my day tomorrow aside for that, and to work through all the correspondence that's built up on my art accounts.

Like from my last blog update, sadly I still have a considerable backlog of messages, comments, replies waiting. If you've messaged me and are still awaiting a reply, I want to get back to you as soon as I can! Please afford me just that bit more time to settle back, and tackle things as efficiently as possible.

For the immediate future, I'll be hosting another Patreon livestream in the next 30 minutes, at 16:00pm GMT, today the 12th of August! You're more than welcome to join the lewd fun on this link:
https://picarto.tv/MaximignonTV

That's about it from me for now, more to come soon. Stay safe on your side of the planet <3 Peace!

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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby hamilton4 on Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:01 am

Sorry to hear things have been rough, it's good to try to approach things with a new attitude but don't overexert yourself!
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby TitaniumChelle on Sat Aug 12, 2017 11:09 am

<3
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby NAC on Sat Aug 12, 2017 12:04 pm

You're not alone in many of your feelings. I've recently come to the conclusion that I think too much about the pitfalls, where instead I should just be diving in and spending that precious time and thought power actually getting somewhere. In terms of the voice in your head telling you of your inadequacies, I had that so bad it was crushing, you can just ask Hibby who had to deal with me like that for nearly a year. Compare that to my present self and you can really see how far you can come by overriding those internal messages, though you're right that we still need to be driven forward by something. We should feel bad about our art, but not feel bad about ourselves.
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby KaZe_DaRKWIND on Sat Aug 12, 2017 1:05 pm

Maybe try something new. I suggest some doodle/sketch sessions. Just do some quick things and build up some confidence again.

If that doesn't work maybe try doing a them for a short while, maybe making some more humorous art or tricky predators or oblivious prey or unwilling preds or some other things that maybe you don't normally do.
Do everything with all your effort!

Becuse if I catch you doing things half-ass,
you'll be halfway up my ass!
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby headhunter732 on Sat Aug 12, 2017 2:20 pm

Awwww naughty scaly beating himself up again !!

Despite being gay, your art ALWAYS hits the spot for me. I often joke about you needing to draw more boipussy but honestly you don't need to! Any and all of your art is amazing!
If it wasn't illegal I'd tie you to a chair and force you to draw all d- THATS A FANTASTIC IDEA I CAN SEE HOW MUCH YOU LOVE BONDAGE AND BEING A SLAVE- where do you live again? X'D

All jokes aside though, I deal with anxiety and that inner 'voice' daily. It's hard, and I feel your pain. Too many passions of mine have been beaten by my inner voice :(
Don't let it beat you. You have real talent here, not just artistically but creatively as well (I mean, like really? A plant using Easter eggs as bait. Genius)

<3
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby tails11 on Sat Aug 12, 2017 10:46 pm

I eagerly await whatever you come up with, Dood. Ease yourself back into drawing, take your time with what you do and relax about what you draw; this stuff is supposed to be fun and relaxing for you, remember?!
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby psvorefan1520 on Wed Aug 16, 2017 1:17 am

It's easy to get caught in the trap.
Do better. Not for them, for you.
See this? This is a letter. Well, a cluster of letters. These letters mean nothing, and everything. The more you see these letters, the more you attach meaning to them. They have meaning because you give them meaning.
In the end, these letters are not lessons, though. These letters are not advice, they are not opinions, they are not emotions. They are letters.
Letters can make you feel alone when you need companionship, they can make you feel anxious when there's no one in the room. They can be a friend, an enemy, a silent nod, a full debate.
But they. Are. Letters.
They only hold meaning for the reader, and unless it is the medium of an artist, much less for the writer. People will nod their empty heads and write full stories from them, or the biggest soul in the universe will mend them into a single word.
But still, they are letters.
Not people.
Letters you see on a page. Just an illusion.
You, and you alone can judge your art.
So tell me, are you judging it? Or are the letters?
Do better. I can be nice about it, but everyone's nice around here.
Just do yer shit.
That's all I got.
Games (click pix):
ImageImageImage
None are done.
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby Halcyon on Thu Aug 17, 2017 2:33 pm

So glad to hear you're doing well ^^ This is such an inspiring and thoughtful piece! Thank you so much for sharing this with us - not only will others who are going through something similar benefit from your example, but those of like me who absolutely adore you and work work, well, I'm so happy for you!
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Re: On my prolonged absence

Permanent Linkby Datonenumbnuts on Sat Aug 19, 2017 5:01 pm

Its not uncommon for artists to feel like failure is the enemy. Like you said, failure isn't really bad, but an experience. You learn from it and get better. Its great to hear you are trying to have a new attitude with it, I wish you luck and hope you recapture the fun you had drawing and making the wonderful art you do. :)
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