Unscheduled, hopefully temporary hiatus

Posted by deadpoolfan 5 years ago

 

(Anyone I have, am currently, or am planned to rp with, please read this)
This was less something I consciously decided, and more something that just kinda... happened. It happened slowly, but it started a couple months ago, and has kinda increased since then.

I don't really know how else to put this, except... I've just kinda stopped coming here. not entirely, and I don'gt plan on stopping completely, but it's definitely given me less of an urge. It's gone from me checking the site daily, every chance I get, to... not really checking at all. The rp's I was always so quick and excited to respond to haven't been giving me the same excitement, regardless of how good of an rp it might be.

There's also the matter of the giant, expansive, story driven rp that was, and I guess still technically is, going on (if one of you guys from there are reading this, which I really hope one of you does, please pass this on to the others) I got way more attached to that than I maybe should, and honestly was scared by the thought of not continuing it. (who would have thought that the thing I was concerned about most at the time would've been a fetish rp) I... don't really know how to feel about that now. I'm not even the one anyone cared about in that rp. I was that one guy on the side, who was just "also there". I could never make any big decisions, could never do anything significant. my brain wouldn't let me. it felt like if i didn't have confirmation on what to do, i couldn't do it. the real reason I was like this is because I have this massive fear of appearing out of place in a negative way. specifically, I'm scared of the thought of being the only person in a group who doesn't know what to do is. I hate the thought of doing something stupid that should've been obvious to everyone else. I've been like that since I was a kid, not handing in finished assignments if i think i misunderstood the rules of a question, and becoming a nervous wreck during group projects. I don't know what it is. maybe it can be classified as a form of anxiety or something, I've honestly never checked. The point is, no matter how dedicated I was, I always knew that I was the one who no one really cared about in that rp (honestly, when you guys started that MHA inspired rp on the side, I actually ended up recreating one of my own nightmare scenarios by being the only one of us who didn't join. same with the spinoff tribes rp, despite my best efforts to avoid it. I don't know what's wrong with me, and I don't know how to fix it, but the point is, I'm trying)

I want to point out, though, that this isn't a farewell, and I still don't want this to end. If we pick this back up, I want to be there. don't think I'm ditching you. but first, please, tell me, do you actually, honestly want me around? You guys must already know that I overthink everything too much. is that what I'm doing? do you really think I'm not needed?

This isn't some kinda resignation from the site, I'm not leaving, I just wanted to make a final statement, and vent a little about all the things I haven't been able to talk about. I'm not gonna be here as often though. I've started branching off. I found the furry fandom, and after what I realized was a stupid alternative, I cut all ties from my furry stuff to here. even among the fandom, I don't want this stuff to be known. My icon is some cringy art i drew in a sketchbook two years ago. since then, I've improved, as well as going digital, and creating an actual, well designed fursona. that could be my icon now, but it isn't, and there's a reason for that. this site isn't my life anymore. it's just a porn site. that's all it should be too me. it feels wrong to get my life so sucked into a fetish like that. the furry fandom has let me express as just a fetish. it's not like here, where I'm limited to a connection solely because we get off to the thought of people eating people. over there, I can just, talk. Sometimes the fetish is brought up, sometimes the people don't even have it. they're always fine with it though. Rp partners are also just friends. there are so many things I haven't told you guys about me. things that i wish i could, but i don't think it would be right for you to really know me. over there, I can talk freely. the vore thing isn't precedent, it's just there, so i don't need to hide behind as much anonymity. I feel happy with my life, but I'm guilty about not being here at the same time. i don't know what's right here. Some people really do know me here, but they just know me for what I tell them, and see me for that crappy drawing. that's who I am to them. to you.

I just wanted to say something. thank you for listening to me ramble. I'm grateful if you somehow actually had the patience to read all this crap. I'll shut up now.
thank you. everyone. thank you.