Rant About Art Block and Personal Issues

Posted by AriStarlightSin 4 years ago

 

I feel like I gotta explain that the reason I haven't been posting or drawing lately is that I have serious art block rn. I just haven't felt an overwhelming urge to draw and that's mainly because I haven't been in a good head space lately.. Or that's what that feels like. :/

I just feel like my body dysphoria is getting progressively worse lately, which in turn also affects me socially, mentally, emotionally, and physically, basically anything that shouldn't be a big deal to me becomes amplified rn. Or that's just how I'd put it. Rn I've just been super depressed about the fact I haven't been able to transition with HRT just yet, which, granted, I've been putting too much pressure on this summer being a starting date, I know it's a long process, but still..

I dunno, I just feel as if the promise of HRT during the start of summer, which used to hold me together since I was so dysphoric at the beginning of this year, is feeling like nothing more than a delusion. Especially with my family's support seeming unintentionally fickle.. Don't get me wrong, they try their absolute best, but I feel as if my transition is just not a huge priority, which definitely butchers my confidence to do so. So yeah, self-esteem is kinda out the window with that as well which pretty much sucks.

Even worse, I feel as if I'm so incompetent as an adult that I struggle to do things for myself. I'm still scared of the whole "adulting" thing, but that's due to my crippling social anxiety. Because in theory, I COULD go to an Endocrinologist, and I COULD try to go through all the dumb paperwork for my necessary ID changes, but it still scares me thinking that I'll need to go alone just to kickstart anything. I always imagined that my mom would be with me during the summer, giving me support as I start my transition, but with how overwhelmingly busy she is lately, I feel like that has a 00.1% chance of ever happening. So rn I'm just in mental limbo, knowing that I'll most likely have to be alone for all of this, which, granted, will probably be better for me to overcome alone probably, the prospect just still upsets me..

I dunno, I'll just try to improve my mental and physical health this past summer before my Fall semester starts in college.. And then I suppose that I'll see where that takes me. Any support or kind words would be very appreciated, I just feel like I'm in constant need of validation due to the lack of it IRL, I apologize. But otherwise, I seriously want to at least function here as an artist, cuz I feel much MUCH better about myself whenever I do trades, they actually give me something to do that makes me feel less depressed.

Hope you guys are having a good day wherever you are! Thanks for sticking through this mess of a rant if you have, I appreciate it!