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I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:04 pm

I've been told I have "ridiculously high standards" in this day and age, for taking a shine to when friendship, dating, and romance actually meant something.

Am I seriously supposed to be flattered when I'm approached by men who are 'lonely' and want me to fill a 'gap' in their life?

I'm not flattered. I won't even pretend to be flattered by it. And I don't care how many of them think I'm a "bitch" because of it. If you're looking for someone to feel sorry for you and just give unconditional love, I'm sorry, but I don't and never will fit the bill. I just don't believe in those types of relationships. They're built off of need and not at all healthy for either party.

And I'm tired of the reactions I get for my preferences/views on it. Is it really so strange or so unbelievable to actually want a relationship to mean something? To be built from something? I don't just want to a be a single woman who comes along at the 'right place and the right time' for some lonely person.

I want to be interested in that person. I want to get to know them and see what we have in common, what we can talk about, and whether or not they're patient and believe in an actual building of a relationship instead of the labels themselves. And vice versa. I don't want them to ask for my picture first thing, I don't want to hear long-winded stories about their previous heartbreaks to try to make me feel sorry for them or guilty if I don't consent to hooking up. If that makes me an ice cold bitch, then so be it.

This is why I don't mind being single. Sure, I'd love to find someone I could click with if the opportunity came along, but I don't turn into putty into anyone's hands. I prefer it not to be some kind of fast hook up and I'm not affectionate with people I don't know well. It's just not me. I like learning all about someone and having fun with them, and learning to be comfortable with them and with being myself around them, and I'd want them to feel the same about me.

Simply put, I want to feel like a person and not just a female who can fill that empty spot. Why this is so difficult for the men who approach me about this to understand, I don't know. But I don't care if I'm getting older or not. I won't stand just for filling a gap. And I don't care what anyone thinks of me because of it.

If you don't agree with my views, that's fine, but I'm tired of people who decide to be an ass about it.
Last edited by Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.

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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby HeroSoulSword on Sat Dec 28, 2013 9:30 pm

I agree with you. You have the right idea. I feel the same way. That kind of "romance" is built on unstable grounds, making it doomed to fail. While I'm okay with being single for the time, at least until I get my life organized enough, I will eventually need someone by my side. While past heartbreaks do hurt, to me, it signifies that whatever the situation it wasn't meant to be. So, like you, I will bide my time until that someone special creates the specific situation where it will all start to fit together. For the seeds of true romance to bloom, it requires the right blend of personalities, common interests, and the slowly built-up acceptance of the person as a whole, flaws and all.

At least, that's my feelings.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 10:19 pm

HeroSoulSword wrote:I agree with you. You have the right idea. I feel the same way. That kind of "romance" is built on unstable grounds, making it doomed to fail. While I'm okay with being single for the time, at least until I get my life organized enough, I will eventually need someone by my side. While past heartbreaks do hurt, to me, it signifies that whatever the situation it wasn't meant to be. So, like you, I will bide my time until that someone special creates the specific situation where it will all start to fit together. For the seeds of true romance to bloom, it requires the right blend of personalities, common interests, and the slowly built-up acceptance of the person as a whole, flaws and all.

At least, that's my feelings.


I definitely agree, particularly on learning about the person on the whole, and not just the things you might like about him, but where they come up short or disagreeable/unlikable things about them, too.

If someone really wanted to know about past romantic situations, I figure they would ask. And same for me. Then it's fine to talk about them, but I think they're an absolutely terrible thing to start a relationship on. To me, it kind of makes it sound like they're trying to use the other person as a rebound because they feel terrible/lonely/etc. And in all honesty, I have never seen a relationship like that work out. Which isn't to say that it couldn't, but personally, from all the different people I've talked to been friends with over the years, I have never heard of that situation actually working with romance. It usually results in a clinginess which can make one person feel suffocated by another. And that's just not good for either person, or for the relationship as a whole.

Anyway, acceptance is a big thing. And sometimes, it doesn't happen right away, even in the best of relationships. Another thing many people need to learn is that it's okay not to like everything about someone else. The only way I can see that being a huge problem is if person A is constantly getting on person's B's case about their appearance or something they can't change.

I feel largely the same about my life, too. When I do get involved with someone seriously, I want to be prepared for that and not have to feel ashamed about my current standings in life. It's all about a mutual ground, to me. If two people can't look at one another as being on the same level, there's bound to be issues.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Rat_Guy on Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:01 pm

I'd like to personally apologize to you, on behalf of my gender. I'm sorry that most of my brethren are needy, manipulative, assholes. If it makes you feel any better, they will most likely die alone and poorly dressed.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:09 pm

Rat_Haus wrote:I'd like to personally apologize to you, on behalf of my gender. I'm sorry that most of my brethren are needy, manipulative, assholes. If it makes you feel any better, they will most likely die alone and poorly dressed.


I'm sure there are some people with different views out there. It's just tiring that I don't often find people like that and that not letting them step all over you and manipulate your emotions automatically puts you in the 'bitch' category. The "Nice Guys" give me a bad vibe, too. The term "friendzone" will never cease to anger me--or the fact that those men think they are entitled to a relationship with a girl if they're nice to her. Anyway, I wouldn't wish poorly on them for their future relationships---I just hope they can wake up a bit and realize that it isn't healthy to get into relationships just because you're lonely or because all of your guy friends have girlfriends, or to be nice to a girl just for the sake of hooking up with her. That all just strikes me as really shallow.
Last edited by Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:11 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Anzimal on Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:16 pm

My two cents:

I think it's important for an individual to stand their own ground with these sort of things. Let's face it, if the guy comes to you with a sad story and then rages because you not interested in hearing it...he's probably not worth the effort. I used to think exactly like this before I became more "enlightened" in this arena. Guys who play this card are generally looking for the sympathy/love/appreciaiton, it's a style of game that is played into manipulating a girls feelings.

Good on you for standing your ground. The reaction you find when you reject the game is usually some form of chilish rage...hence your a "bitch".

Let's face it, if the guy is into you he'll make the effort and the time. You'll know the difference.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Chameleonette on Sat Dec 28, 2013 11:37 pm

Anzimal wrote:My two cents:

I think it's important for an individual to stand their own ground with these sort of things. Let's face it, if the guy comes to you with a sad story and then rages because you not interested in hearing it...he's probably not worth the effort. I used to think exactly like this before I became more "enlightened" in this arena. Guys who play this card are generally looking for the sympathy/love/appreciaiton, it's a style of game that is played into manipulating a girls feelings.

Good on you for standing your ground. The reaction you find when you reject the game is usually some form of chilish rage...hence your a "bitch".

Let's face it, if the guy is into you he'll make the effort and the time. You'll know the difference.


I agree. That's very important. And that worries me about girls who might get drawn into those types of relationships. In all truth, I used to be easily swayed by such things. I'm not proud of it. But through experiences you grow and learn, even if they're not pleasant ones. It can sometimes feel like it's mean to say "no", but it's important to think about your own well-being as much as the person who may be lonely/have mental/social issues, etc.

Some of them can be really spiteful, but once you learn to value yourself and your own views/opinions, it's at lot easier to look at the situation and say "Eh, they can think what they want", and not feel too bad about it.

And you're right. Time and effort truly do show and actions speak a lot louder than words.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Manic_Maxwell on Sun Dec 29, 2013 10:34 am

Maybe it's strange to say it this way, but seeing this blog, you actually remind me a lot of my older sisters, and I mean that as a compliment. It's not a crime to have standards, nor is it a crime to wait for something that you feel is actually right to come along.

I think that romance in the modern era has been becoming kind of..."lazy," lately. I also think that people's character in general (perhaps for young men particularly, though I can't say how accurate that is) has shifted over time and a degree of "fight" has been removed. I don't mean in terms of arguing, but rather like you were saying, the old concept of traditional courtships and familial partnerships in general is fading. You see symptoms of it in the rise of unmarried couples with kids, single parents, online dating where people are "matched up" and either expect to just hook up and move on or expect it to be immediate love at first sight. Maybe that works sometimes, but it's not the rule. That's not to say that marriage is or should be the end-goal, but I get the sense that there's an expectation that relationships are supposed to be effortless things, and they're not. There's more to partnerships than some flowery language about supporting each other.

Good luck in your endeavors, though! I don't personally subscribe to the "there's someone out there for everybody" belief, but you've got your priorities in the right place and if you're steadfast, I think you will reel in the right someone in due time.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby Kamelagram on Sun Dec 29, 2013 3:07 pm

There was a line in a book I read that said "A mindless brute knows but one way to defeat his opponents, and will be quick about it; A true warrior knows thousands, and will take his time." I find that this phrase is very befitting how you're doing on this site. You have lots of well placed views and opinions, and take the time to explain why and are willing to talk about them...

...meanwhile it seems like most of the stuff you're dealing with is mindless brutes, blindly throwing out bottom of the barrel insults in an attempt to defeat you. Yet you just keep this flurry of blades going and parry them all. Your spirit is admirable and inspiring, keep your blades dancing. : )

And now that I got my poetic side out of the way, I never got the point of relationships really, or the frantic urge to seal the deal.Sure you get a nice tax break, but why judge how happy you can be in your life by how well you can keep someone else happy forever. I'm not antisocial, and have had many friends over the years (Apparently some level of popularity I never knew I had in high school, I just never paid attention...) I just figure if I treat people nice I'll be treated nice back, and if not they aren't worth my time. Sure, I've had my crushes, but that was no reason to try and woo a random girl just cause she was a looker. And an internet relationship even less so, and no, having the same kink/fetish isn't a good reason, why do people think that....

In any case, I'm rambling now, stay strong and doing your thing. GL:HF
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It's a poor excuse for a haiku, but still one of the better things I have written. XD
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby SLR on Sun Dec 29, 2013 3:20 pm

I'm not sure romance as I understand it exists to the same extent that it once did (and there is a chance it never did, as history is a great liar), and true romantics are a minority interest, in the same way that people who really appreciate fine food or wine or literature or classical music are all minorities. It suffers from the same problem as all of those other things. People are generally in a rush, and they put convenience over effort. Why spend four hours slow-cooking a leg of lamb when you can have a ready meal in 3 minutes from a microwave, with no washing up to boot? So why spend six months talking to a woman as a human being and getting to know if you like her, when you can fuck her tonight and be off tomorrow with no mess to deal with. Pop music lasts six minutes instead of the six hours even a relatively brief opera demands. Dates can be the same. And as for books, well, most people don't use real English at all, so it's no surprise that short and trashy and widely popular is better than something of true artistic merit, that stimulates new thinking, but takes up five hundred pages. So shy girls who need the long haul and want to have intelligent discussions are ignored in favour of the local "bicycle" who is technically flawed but quick to get to the point. If you see what I'm driving at. Quality can go hang, so long as there is convenience, because I have shit to do, and I'm a selfish prick.

Personally I think this sort of thing is entirely insane. I will spend the time to cook real food, I will hunt around for an independently grown bottle of wine, and I find pop music rather empty. I won't waste my time with a short book that's badly written but very popular if I can read a long one that is moving and artfully written. All of these things we get told are progress and an advancement over a time when you needed to be patient and discerning and actually engage your brain and your attention for more than five seconds I find it all profoundly hollow, irritating and distasteful. So when it comes to romance and relationships, I actually need more there too. I can't do one-night stands or rushed deals that need constantly patching up or they fall to bits in a moment. I've never had any interest in that. I didn't lose my virginity until I was 25 because of these standards, and consequently was barraged with accusations of being gay or weird (neither of which is actually insulting anyway, though the former is inaccurate, and it riles that both stemmed from ignorance). When that relationship broke down, it was years and years before I even thought about attempting another. I have been incredibly lonely at times as a result, but I also find people painful most of the time, because I don't like idiots and I am extremely selective about the company I keep. So the thought of plugging the hole with the first person to come along horrifies me.

The woman I'm currently seeing, we've spent the last six months talking. We've been on dates, and we're already good friends, and I know I have feelings for her, but it wasn't overnight and a lot of it is confusing. Neither of us has much experience, so we're fumbling through, but we're determined to do it the way we want to. We've not had sex yet, and we spend all our time talking about things that matter, finding out what we think about different subjects. We're honest with each other, too. I expect it will take a lot longer before it moves onto the next level, and possibly it might not come to anything more than just being good friends. But I still prefer it this way, and I know she does too. Early on she said something I agree with entirely - if you're looking to spend the rest of your life with someone, why rush, because you've all the time in the world if it's right. And it's better to make sure it is right than find out later on and end up getting hurt and causing hurt you might have easily avoided.

So stick to your ideals. It may be a very long time before you meet someone who aligns with your thoughts on life. And meeting them and liking them is no guarantee they'll feel the same way, either. But it's worth it. Because the alternative as offered by most of society may be more convenient, but it lacks real quality, and I don't imagine it ever being satisfying. It's not impossible, though you will likely be alone a lot, it takes much more effort, and the majority of people will attack it as stuck-up, cold, pretentious, whatever. But fuck those people. By not fucking them. And when the right person does come along, you can say it was a long wait, but you'll appreciate what you've got a lot more because of it, and because you've not cheapened yourself in some desperate hurry to cling to whoever happened to be there. Also I think relationships need to be absolutely equal, and if you find a guy who truly believes in an old-fashioned idea of romance too, then you know he won't be offended by any mistakes in your past. The discrimination you show in finding a suitably like-minded companion works both ways, and whilst some mistakes are fine, blatant hypocrisy and broken principles rarely are.

I guess that's a long-winded way of saying the same thing I said the last time I commented on one of your blogs, which is just to be true to yourself. To be honest, I don't think you need telling that or encouraging to do so, but sometimes it's nice to know you're not alone in having seemingly impossible standards, or in thinking that that's okay.
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Re: I've about had it with this generation's idea of "romance".

Permanent Linkby F1reDem0n on Sun Dec 29, 2013 4:44 pm

I know I can't speak for anyone other then myself (meaning other males), but I also believe in what you speak of Chameleonette. Personally after talking with you, I don't think you have high standards really at all. You just want someone to be understanding of what you have been through and who you are and not what you are. I know what you speak of, I do. Many people now a days seem to see us for what we are on the outside, whether that be gender, color or anything else. They can't seem to always see who we are on the inside.

One of the biggest quotes I try to follow is "Don't just a book by its cover." which is really quiet true. You should never just a person on the outside and what they appear to be. More so...see who they are on the inside and what they have been through and where they are going. You don't always have to per say feel sorry for them, but sometimes people show a bit of sympathy towards others. It's part of being human after all. :)

That being said, someone asking sometime else to be or feel sorry for them is really...being rather selfish. Something which I don't agree with. Sure I personally can feel down or out, but I never would ask someone else to "feel sorry" for me. I am not like that. Now them choosing on their own to do so is a completely different story. That is their choice and there decision to make. And that being the case, when I do feel down I feel that if someone felt sorry for me. It would only make my feel worse, not better. I prefer (personally) positive reinforcement. It helps me feel better when I am around someone positive. At lest that's just me.

I know my words are probably not much help, but know that there is hope in this world. So don't give up just yet. :)
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