I need help with very mixed emotions

[FoShiznit]

Hi, I'm a 19-year-old young-man living in south-eastern Pennsylvania, near Philadelphia. I'm new to this forum, but not at all new to the concept of vore. In fact, I've had a sexual attraction to the prospect of being eaten alive since before I knew what sexual attractions were. Ever since I first saw the re-release of Return of the Jedi in the theater in 1997, I've had this unusual attraction to what I would later come to know was voraphilia. When I was real young(6-10) I would lay face down while imagining I was being consumed while gently thrusting against the bed or floor. I didn't know at the time what I was doing I only knew that it felt good. I'd largely forgotten about it by the time I was going through puberty, when started "experimenting" with my new understanding of sexuality with the help of daddy's porn folder. It wasn't until I was about 16 that an online friend re-introduced me to the concept, after which I finally made the connection, and subsequently spent many nights on Aryion and vor-com indulging in what at that time was harmless fun for me. This all changed a few weeks ago, when I was reading a vore story on Deviant Art called "A Tale of Vore".

You might be familiar with it, it's a 12-part story of a future world in which aliens called "vitahomes" have begun to migrate here, helping the human race technologically in exchange for getting to eat people under a set of regulations that tried to give people a more or less fair chance. I was enjoying it profusely, having climaxed twice, until I got to part 8. You see, I had started to get attached to one of the characters, Lisa, who was being babysat by a vitahome, Maddy, in a special arrangement with her parents to try and bring the troublesome Lisa in line by threat of being eaten if she tries to run away. I should have seen where that story arc was going 2 or 3 chapters before when the rules were explained, how most kids in this situation get swallowed 3 times before being digested, but how Lisa would only have one chance because her parents were going to be gone too long for Maddy to halt her digestive process for their return. Lisa confided in her babysitter how her greatest desire, the only reason she was running off at night to party, was because she desperately wanted to feel the warmth and love of the opposite sex. I know only too well the pain of loneliness, and I became enamored with the character and her struggle. Then came the aforementioned 8th chapter. Maddy tricked Lisa by pretending to be asleep, knowing her lust and loneliness would lead her to try and run. When this did happen, Lisa had only half a second to realize her mistake by the time Maddy had her gobbled down to her waist. She was Lisa's protector, trusted with the responsibility to reform this girl and save her from future harm, and in an act of calculated deception she betrayed that trust, lying to Lisa's parents(who must've been horribly distraught at what they'd done) about what happened, all just to get a meal. Everything up to that point had given me wonderful and powerful feelings. I even climaxed to another part later when Maddy had a feast of willing girls. But I haven't been the same since I read of Lisa's fate.

Ever since then, thoughts of vore have disturbed me, causing me to cringe, while at the same time still turning me on. Every night I lie in bed for hours trying to silence the horrifying thoughts and feelings in my head. When I eat breakfast, even at nice restaurants, thoughts of vore cause me to lose my appetite. Even as I go through all of this, I still find myself aroused and excited by the concept, masturbating to it almost every day, and feeling horrible about it later. I tried giving up vore for lent, not just as a religious commitment but as a commitment to myself, hoping that after I gave it up for over a month, I'd be able to either give it up permanently, or enjoy it once again in moderation. I failed. About 3 weeks into my pledge I found myself one night fapping, once again, to vore. I wanted to stop myself, I wanted to honor my pledge, but I couldn't. I gave in to the wonderful pleasures that coursed through my body as I engrossed myself in these fantasies. And I had terrible feelings of horror and dread the next day. I don't know what to do any more. I love the feelings I get when I'm masturbating to vore. They're far above and beyond what I've gotten from any other kind of porn. But at the same I feel horrible afterward. It's like a powerful emotional swing-set, a mix of feelings back-and-forth that I don't know how to deal with.

For the record, I talked with the author about this in the comments section, and he was very kind and sympathetic to my situation, even going as far as to promise to rewrite Lisa's fate. I don't think it will help at this point(the damage is already done), but it was a really nice gesture on his part.

Have any of you gone through this kind of crisis? Can any of you help me, or offer any advice to get me through this? Should I admit to my parents what I am and ask to see a therapist? Should I just keep trudging along and hope these horrible feelings go away? Or should I just give up and take that bottle of Aspirin that's been sitting in my medicine cabinet, and walk out of Life's proverbial horror theater? Please, I don't know how much longer I can do this...

[1ring42]

Suicide is absolutely not the answer. Have you tried limiting yourself to willing and/or non fatal vore?

[Kharon]

Have any of you gone through this kind of crisis? Can any of you help me, or offer any advice to get me through this? Should I admit to my parents what I am and ask to see a therapist?

Yes... you probably should. What you're describing is anything but normal - if you can't control your fetish, and your fetish controls you instead, you have a problem.

[Straxacore]

First off its good that you realize you have a problem and you are willing to do something about it. That is a good start. I think most people here have thought about vore in a similar way, I know I have. Often something like this isn't the only problem, I think your problem is one you mentioned, loneliness. I know I feel a lot better now I have someone to share my life with. Maybe you should just tell your parents that you are having trouble coping, not give them specifics and ask to see a therapist. What ever you tell them is private so no one else needs to find out. After gaining a bit of confidence from that maybe you should hit the dating scene hard, chat rooms, dating sites and going to the local hang out spots. My advice if you try that last one is try to be a friend first and then go further. Nothing is more rewarding than living life to the fullest.

After you have done all that Vore will just be a footnote that you can enjoy and it doesn't rule your life.
I hope this helps. If you ever want to talk just PM me.

[Moo]

First off its good that you realize you have a problem and you are willing to do something about it. That is a good start. I think most people here have thought about vore in a similar way, I know I have. Often something like this isn't the only problem, I think your problem is one you mentioned, loneliness. I know I feel a lot better now I have someone to share my life with. Maybe you should just tell your parents that you are having trouble coping, not give them specifics and ask to see a therapist. What ever you tell them is private so no one else needs to find out. After gaining a bit of confidence from that maybe you should hit the dating scene hard, chat rooms, dating sites and going to the local hang out spots. My advice if you try that last one is try to be a friend first and then go further. Nothing is more rewarding than living life to the fullest.

After you have done all that Vore will just be a footnote that you can enjoy and it doesn't rule your life.
I hope this helps. If you ever want to talk just PM me.

Agreed. In the flowchart of life problems, if considering suicide, see therapist. This is a really tricky paraphilia to indulge in, and you have to have a good ability to partition experiences in order to indulge in it without danger to your mental health.

If you want my (distinctly) non-professional advice, focus on the fact that not all vore is non-consentual, not all vore is fatal, and not all vore involves innocent, and honestly likable prey. You just happened upon the perfect storm of distasteful, and while it is pretty traumatizing to anyone who isn't seeking it out, it's not the same thing as what you DO enjoy. I might go so far as to say fatal non-consentual vore is to non-fatal, consentual vore what rape is to sex. It is perfectly reasonable and rational to find the former distasteful while enjoying the latter. (however this implies nothing of those of us kinks who (fictionally) enjoy both ;3) I definitely had to come to grips with this myself as I worked my way around the internet.

Another helpful thing to remember is that nothing in this paraphilia that has to do with human prey is real. It's all fiction and no one is going to be inspired to cram an entire, still-living, full-grown adult down their gullet because of what they read here (and if they do, justice will be swift, in the form of physics and anatomy). Impossible things tend to be the least dangerous things to be aroused by.

I wish you well, fellow voraphile. Do us a favor and don't suicide, mmkay? You're a great person, and this internal conflict you're experiencing just proves that. You aren't alone.

[Houyo]

Yeah, sometimes vore depresses me too. Every now and then I'll read a story that I find sexy, but also really emotionally jarring as well.

Just keep a chin up man.

[eatenbycoyote]

some times fictional things make me sad..but you always have to remember that its not real. a lot of things in fiction have made me sad..none vore related yet but a few video game sceans made me very very very sad like crying my eyes out. never as far as suicide. suicide is NEVER a possibility. NEVER even think about it. fiction...it can be sad, it can be happy it can turn you on...but never let it effect you that deeply. separate this sadness with vore..and send it away.

my advice. just remembering its NOT REAL.

below is the things in fiction that made me cry.


SPOILORS!!!

Kats death in halo: reach

sarg avery jhonson in halo 3

Ezio auditore in the assassins creed movie "asssassins creed: embers"

and ubove all yusefs death in assassins creed: revelations. but ezios speech picked me back up.

[SableCross]

1ring42 is right, suicide is never the answer, if anything, you'll actually make it harder on the people who actually love and care about you. Hell, I'll admit it, loneliness is one of the main reason I got into vore as well, the thought of becoming apart of someone always turned me on, but I also knew that it wasn't a permanent fix and you have to realize that to if you want to get over this. Also, it is good to remember that the stories you read are made up and the characters are not real and are products of someone's imagination, and hey, if you're still having those fillings, even if I'm not on, you can send me a pm also and I will most defiantly get back with you and we can talk it out, I'm always willing to help when someone is having problems of any sort because I'm just that nice of a guy.

[1ring42]

1ring42 is right, suicide is never the answer, if anything, you'll actually make it harder on the people who actually love and care about you. Hell, I'll admit it, loneliness is one of the main reason I got into vore as well, the thought of becoming apart of someone always turned me on, but I also knew that it wasn't a permanent fix and you have to realize that to if you want to get over this. Also, it is good to remember that the stories you read are made up and the characters are not real and are products of someone's imagination, and hey, if you're still having those fillings, even if I'm not on, you can send me a pm also and I will most defiantly get back with you and we can talk it out, I'm always willing to help when someone is having problems of any sort because I'm just that nice of a guy.

^I agree with everything in here^ PLus with the Lent issue perhaps you should talk with your pastor/priest about how you're having trouble keeping your vow (No need to mention vore) Perhaps he could help?

[MidnightSnack]

I had strong suicidal feelings and depression for a long time, mostly because of vore. I felt like such a freak. I'd really beat myself up over it, and it got to the point where I was obsessing over it similar to how you are now.

Things are a lot different now... The trick was that I finally learned to accept who I was. We're all just people, we can't help what we like. I mean, you didn't ask to be who you are, where you are, or what you are. And you certainly didn't ask for this fetish. But that's the way it is, and you might as well try to stop worrying about it and just enjoy it.

You sound like a really good person to me, and you shouldn't beat yourself up. Vore's only a fantasy, right? Not like you're ever going to end up hurting anyone in real life. The only person you'll end up hurting is yourself, and believe me, I learned that the hard way. As long as you strive to be a good person in other aspects of life I don't think what you fantasize about really matters. Also if you learn to accept it, you won't think about it so much! The only reason I thought about vore so often was because I was worried about it.

As far as getting rid of a fetish goes, I'm not sure what to tell you. From my experience there's no way to get rid of it, but I could be wrong. I've tried taking a break from vore many, many times and it's never amounted to anything.

If you ever need a person to talk to or anything shoot me a pm.

[Indighost]

.



Try reading your story, and replacing the word "vore" with "men". I have read and heard that story many, many times over my life. And every single time, when the person in question decided to just accept themselves for who they are, they found their happiness and quality of life vastly improved, even wondering afterwards what was the purpose of all those negative feelings.

Ask yourself this question: If I think about vore and get turned on, who am I hurting? What bad things will happen to me, or to other people? Have I suddenly transformed into a horrible monster who's going to immediately rush outside and kill somebody? Is this any weirder than someone who is turned on by women's feet, or smelly underwear, or being hit with a paddle?

And finally, does it really make moral, rational sense for anyone to get turned on thinking about the stinky, wrinkly, funny-looking private parts of another human being? And if it doesn't, so what?

[FoShiznit]

Thank you all for your support. I still don't know really what I'm going to do, but it helps to at least know people care.

To respond to some of your suggestions, I already prefer consensual vore(and search pretty much exclusively for that) but even non-consensual stuff doesn't bother me most of the time. My favorite in fact are the ones where the woman is indifferent. Not excited about getting eaten, but not upset about it either. There's a few other disturbing scenarios I've also enjoyed that weren't entire consensual, but it still never bothered me until now(like much of Strega's work).

Non-fatal really isn't an option for me. I don't know why but it doesn't do the same thing for me psychologically unless there is finality to it.

I know none of this is real. That's how I've always thought about vore. And I've always accepted that it's just a fantasy. It's just that recently enjoying that fantasy has led to very real effects in other parts of my life. It's not that someone is telling me I'm weird or a monster or anything, nor do I believe that. I just keep feeling bad(more a feeling of shock and anxiety really) now whenever something reminds me of the fetish(and there's a lot on TV nowadays that can remind you of vore if you're paying attention)

Dating really isn't an option for me. Because of my chronic back pain and muscle spasms(which haven't been diagnosed yet in almost 4 years, the CHOP neurologist thinks I'm a basketcase) I can't even handle a full day of school, much less a night of clubbing. And even if I did meet a girl, there's no way in hell I could take her back to my messy house(which my parents struggle to maintain; I needless to say lack the energy to help them). I have been chatting online with some friends and friends of friends that [I'm told] are girls, but since none of them live anywhere near me there really isn't much chance of that going anywhere. Good practice I suppose, but not much else.

Do you think it would help if I started writing down some of my own story ideas? A part of me has always wanted to try writing, and while there's no freaking way I'd ever put anything of this genre on a resume, I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt to practice the craft.

Don't worry about that dark part at the end of my post. I was in a down mood when I wrote that. It won't come to that I promise. Thanks again for your advice.

[Nerva]

I know none of this is real. That's how I've always thought about vore. And I've always accepted that it's just a fantasy. It's just that recently enjoying that fantasy has led to very real effects in other parts of my life. It's not that someone is telling me I'm weird or a monster or anything, nor do I believe that. I just keep feeling bad now whenever something reminds me of the fetish(and there's a lot on TV nowadays that can remind you of vore if you're paying attention)

I'm curious as to why this makes you feel bad. Do you feel guilty that you enjoy these scenarios in ways that others don't? Are you worried about what would happen if someone found out? Most people seem rather titillated by the idea that they can enjoy vorish content in movies, games, and other media in a private, sensual way that other people don't get. Sure, they keep quiet about it (it would be embarassing if it became public knowledge, since vore isn't an easily-accepted fetish), but you're one of the few I know who see it as burdensome, rather than a privilege or advantage.

(which haven't been diagnosed yet in almost 4 years, the CHOP neurologist thinks I'm a basketcase)

*sigh* I've had a lot of friends who've dealt with obstructive doctors. There's really not much you can do besides get a second opinion, if that's an option. If it helps, I can sympathize; I've had some chronic problems go undiagnosed for years myself until I switched docs due to their malpractice.

Do you think it would help if I started writing down some of my own story ideas? A part of me has always wanted to try writing, and while there's no freaking way I'd ever put anything of this genre on a resume, I'm thinking it wouldn't hurt to practice the craft.

I've never really gotten into writing so I really can't speak to its pros and cons, but honestly? If you can get into it and contribute to the community, I think it might make you feel better. This community is pretty accepting towards new artists, and I'm sure you'll be able to find some positive comments. Just be ready to take constructive criticism, and make sure you can separate the constructive criticism from the assholes (report the latter if you encounter 'em, too). You seem to be a pretty straight-thinking individual, so you should be alright in that regard.

Don't worry about that dark part at the end of my post. I was in a down mood when I wrote that. It won't come to that I promise. Thanks again for your advice.

This is a relief. I've been on the verge of suicide myself before, so I know where you're coming from with it, but I'm glad you pulled back from it. Just remember - a fetish is a fetish. It's not who you are as a person, it doesn't define you or govern the rest of your personality. It's just a quirk of your sexuality, coupled with an interest just like any other. Sure, it's bizarre; but so are most fetishes at some level, and this one's a lot more harmless than others I can name. It's just one facet of the gem that is you, and not even a big one.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do.

[FoShiznit]

I'm curious as to why this makes you feel bad. Do you feel guilty that you enjoy these scenarios in ways that others don't? Are you worried about what would happen if someone found out? Most people seem rather titillated by the idea that they can enjoy vorish content in movies, games, and other media in a private, sensual way that other people don't get. Sure, they keep quiet about it (it would be embarassing if it became public knowledge, since vore isn't an easily-accepted fetish), but you're one of the few I know who see it as burdensome, rather than a privilege or advantage.

I'm at a loss to explain it to be honest. Since reading that story I've just felt really anxious and fearful when reminded of vore. Even though I still enjoy it a lot when I'm privately viewing it. It's like that story flipped a switch in my mind.

[Ulquiorra]

I thought your paragraphs were going to end with "everyone do the dinosaur"

[Nerva]

I'm at a loss to explain it to be honest. Since reading that story I've just felt really anxious and fearful when reminded of vore. Even though I still enjoy it a lot when I'm privately viewing it. It's like that story flipped a switch in my mind.

Rereading your OP, I think I've had experiences like the one you've had. Not quite as intense, but possibly worth relating if they help you understand your feelings with your experience. I'm gonna do so, and then venture a guess on what you're feeling; let me know how off-the-mark I am, won't you?

The most easily-recalled experience I've had like this is Byoki-desu's Gwen comics. It's about a girl (an ordinary human girl, mind you) who goes on camera to talk to her fans; the folks in the thread. It's all told from the POV of the camera, with her directly addressing you, the reader. I'm not gonna link to it because it still makes me queasy and I don't want to be tempted to look back at it.

(Important Sidenote: for everyone else out there aside from the OP; by mentioning this comic series, you might be tempted to respond to my opinion of it - don't. Not here, at least. Use Byoki's own thread on the subject, assuming it's not locked. If it is, keep it behind your teeth and between your ears, please, or if you absolutely have to express it, take it to PM. The only reason why I'm explaining my reaction to it is to serve as an example, and this is not the time or place to debate whether my opinion is justified or not. That's a shitstorm I don't want to get into.)

Now, why should it make me queasy? Well, I have a violent aversion to real-life vore. You can show me fictitious characters eating one another until you're blue in the face, and I won't mind at all. When I see real people swallowing goldfish or frogs, however, or trying to shove hamsters up their ass, or feeding their pet snake or iguana live animals when it's not necessary, just to watch them eat, I get queasy and I get angry. There's a difference between fictitious characters and real-life animal cruelty, and the latter I just can't tolerate.

Now, I'll admit, and be the first to admit, that the Gwen series isn't real-life vore. But it makes me queasy nonetheless because it's entirely plausible. Gwen goes around, on-camera eating things like mice and fish, for her own pleasure or the amusement of her fans. She's an ordinary girl, in an situation easily replicated in real-life, doing stomach-turning things that I've seen real-world people do. And people in the thread encourage her - and I don't just mean encouraging Byoki-desu to make more art of her (they do that too), but encouraging her, Gwen, the character, to go on with it. And since this is a comic strip where "Gwen" responds to her "fans" (the people in the thread), it kinda straddles this bizarre line in my head between "fictitious depiction, I'm okay with it" and "real person, argh fuck what is wrong with you."

And it's that boundary-straddling quality that suddenly makes me look at other fictitious pred characters I enjoy reading of, or playing as, and think, "is this the kind of behavior I fap to? Callous disregard for the lives of other living beings?" After all, being eaten and digested isn't a pleasant way to die. Sure, fictitious stories may handwave some explanation to allow it to be, but basic, real-life digestion would be A). slow, B). tremendously painful to the digestee and C). a case of soul-crushing helplessness. I suddenly start feeling guilty for enjoying vore. It doesn't help matters any that Gwen is cute, and aside from the whole casual animal cruelty, is rather sweethearted and cuddly - exactly the kind of character I like.

In the end, after reading the Gwen comics, I come off feeling guilty and dirty, and questioning whether or not I should continue pursuing the fetish, just like I would with a real-life vore pic or video. My own subconscious mind is still aroused, and that just pisses me off more because I don't want to feel like any part of my mind is condoning the kind of behavior I'm seeing. My conscious thought process is telling me "this is disgusting" and my libido is telling me "it's kinda hot." In the end, my response is kinda like this - desperately wanting this dichotomy between my conscious disgust and subconscious appreciation to go away.

Is this what you're experiencing?

[French_snack]

I won't pretend to be any sort of psychiatrist, but it seems to me you're having a classic conflict / disconnect between your rational understanding that there's nothing wrong with your fetish on the one hand, and your "instinctive" but irrational sense that it's "wrong" on the other.

All I can say, really, is try to rationalise it as much as possible, so that your rational mind blunts out your negative feelings. Not easy, but it may help a little. Think, for example, about the fact that your sense that it's "wrong" is probably based largely on meaningless social norms and conventions.

[SableCross]

Go ahead, write something, writing scenarios the way you want them might help you, and if you do post them on here, I'll be one of the first to read.

[brad4570]

as none of us are qualified, you should get help, and don,t act on anything you read here. there are md.s that specialize in this disorder. you,ve admitted that you have a problem but to the wrong poeple. good luck.

[Nerva]

as none of us are qualified, you should get help, and don,t act on anything you read here. there are md.s that specialize in this disorder. you,ve admitted that you have a problem but to the wrong poeple. good luck.

Look - when it comes to mental and emotional needs, dispassionate doctors can only do so much. Any psyche worth his salt is going to tell you that having a group of friends who are accepting and you can be open with, and who will get you to think about your problems in ways you haven't considered, can only be good for whatever problems you may have.

None of us here have claimed to be a substitute for a medical professional. What we are is a forum, where you can bounce ideas off others and get feedback. There's absolutely nothing wrong with using a forum for that purpose.

We're hardly "the wrong people," and I'll thank you not to belittle our support as such.