Opininion and advice, please.

[ChibiToy]

(Self-advertisement alarm )
So I spent quite a bit time writing (a probably dead story) and, since I don't want to let my inspiration go to waste, I'll just post a page of it here and am asking for a few opinions
and advice where to improve...
Do note, I'm more like a green hobby-writer with a lively fantasy and that english isn't my native language.(Want your honest opinions, though)
- How bad is my grammar?
- On a scale(upwards) from 1 to 10 how inappropriate is my comma placement(since I just put them up where it "feels" right )
- I'm trying to use a multitude of words, probably not always fitting the context... Is it very bad?
- Am I going way overboard with the text?(I kinda feel like I'm just raping words...)

Finally for the sake of clarity I'm gonna spoiler it, since it's at least a bit text:

Spoiler: show

"N-No way... You c-couldn't swallow me as I am!", you hesitantly reply with an artificial laughter.
In an immature manner she replies: "Reaaaaally? Because, you know, I spy with my big eye, a li'l something small enough for my throat."
Her tone changes from friendly to daring. It looks like you made the wrong choice tempting MiniZilla's curiosity.
She stands up, takes a quick peek at her cellphone and after putting it away - in anticipation of a certain event to occur - she rests her arms on the wall pushing her belly against it. You're facing a mountain of flesh again, only this time her belly button vanished under the edge. Her hands are guarding your sides as she hovers over you.
Behind you is a vast abyss, at least 50 feet to it's ground... You're caught between a rock and a soft place.
Trembling with fear you look as the wall moves slightly towards you, just to back off immediately, while the intervals shorten. Angling your eyes skyward, you see her cute bikini top which - considering she's rather flat - isn't capable to hide a mostly terrifying view from you: Her vermillion face, drenched in ecstasy and lost in thought. There's no doubt she's aroused, mentally prepared for something - and less doubt it's something you're painfully aware of...

"Say, if you're reaaally suuuuure, why did you hesitate?", she's calming herself down, resisting the very urge, taking over her body and mind, with all her might.
Your heart, on the verge of bursting, disables your ability to think straight causing you to carelessly spurt:
"I-I was j-just r-reflecting on what you showed me. B-believe me, your g-gullet is way too s-small for me."
She waited a tad, almost expecting more to come.
"Now, that's a biggie!", the challenged giantess says, "We have two opinions but only one truth... Since we can't ask a third party, I guess there's only one way to uncover it..."
"H-hey, W-willow, t-this i-is getting out of hand, w-wouldn't you a-agree?", you ask consumed by terror, "R-remember, w-we're a-at a p-parking lot, there c-could be people around!"
"You don't need to worry about that. As the clever - and preparative - girl I am, I brought you to the lowest level of the parking lot. I highly doubt anyone will intervene us here, right in the middle of the convention.", she boasts while proudly patting her chest with her right fist, "AND even if there were people, remember where we are! They'd probably be jealous, at best."
You're at your wits end. Pictures of the announced event are starting to fill your mind, mostly pictures of you becoming a better acquaintance to the glittering abyss with a little help from the not so little Willow...
Your train of thoughts comes to a crashing halt when you are startled by a loud sound...
*groaaaaan*
A wicked smile crosses Willow's lips as the event, she was impatiently waiting for, finally occurred - A shy somewhat lengthy groaning emitted from her belly, articulating the demand for content.
She knew it would happen any time now, since it was already past 13:00 and she hadn't time to eat breakfast due to oversleeping quite a bit.
"Did you hear that?" she delighted asks .
Dumbfounded by the complaint you just heard, hoping there is a way to stop these events from unfolding, you reply: "Heard what?"
But as soon as you said the magical words she gently runs her petite hand over the ground pressing you into the cozy wall you're facing.
It's warm, it's smooth, it's gently massaging you as you hear the sound of calming, deep breaths - you even think you're faintly hearing an excited heartbeat.
All of this'd be so cozy for you if there wasn't a set of noises dominating it all...
*groaaaaan*
*gurgleglegle*
*rrruuuumbleee*
Despite rarely being able to be heard by it's owner, her stomach is quite active in his way to get attention.
A manifold array of gurgles, gargles, rumbles and groans - very variable in their way, length and intensity - induce to you that Willow MUST be very hungry.
You try to wriggle but her caressing belly cushions your attempts to break free from this pinch.
Forced to helplessly listen to these noises for a few minutes, you reconsider...
A few of these sounds were violently vibrating her belly. Being directly exposed to the epicenter, the quakes painfully resonated inside you, shaking your whole body thoroughly.
"She isn't just hungry, SHE'S STARVING!", screams the back of your mind.
She lets go of you after feeling and hearing enough to ensure you would never-ever forget her craving.
The blossomed predator steps aside opens her dragon guardian and takes off her cape and hat, placing them on top of the car next to her.
While she's busy, you're eager to find any means of escape but you're stuck on the thin plateau only surrounded be 90° cliffs offering absolutely no chance to keep you grounded.
Willow, fully prepared, turns around to see you running from side to side, desperately looking for a way down.
In a playfully gentle way she's sneaking over, kneeling down in front of you and indicates the solution for your problem in a most teasing manner:
"Hihihi, looking for a way down? I can help you with that. Although, it might not lead straight to the ground. I hope you don't mind a brief stopover on the way..."
As she spoke these words, confessing her next course of action, you desperately beg and plead: "W-w-w-wait! D-don't do this! PLEASE!"

A short moment of silence fills the atmosphere...

[Eyefull]

"Behind you is a vast abyss, at least 50 feet to it's ground... You're caught between a rock and a soft place."- Good sentence, but the reader needs a bit more to fully understand the scene. I know they are at the bottom of a parking garage, and I get the impression the protagonist is micro and stuck on top of something, but your imagery is just a bit too vague. is it a literal plateau, or if not, then what is the prey standing on?

"It's warm, it's smooth, it's gently massaging you as you hear the sound of calming, deep breaths - you even think you're faintly hearing an excited heartbeat."- Issue with commas here. If I'm getting what you are going for here, then it would be best reading-wise and gramatically to turn the start of the sentence into short segments (It's warm. It's smooth. It's gently massaging you as...). Short sentences can add more punch when used sparingly, so don't feel like every sentence needs a comma divider.

"The blossomed predator steps aside opens her dragon guardian and takes off her cape and hat, placing them on top of the car next to her." Opposite problem here. Needs more commas. and did you mean to say guardian?

Overall, pretty good. Honestly, you write better than some native e\English speakers I know. You definitely have a good dynamic going for both characters, and a story told in 2nd person is rare to see! Hope I was able to help some.

[ChibiToy]

Thanks eyeful

I'm going to ignore the first one, since this page is in the middle of the foreplay(stage2) and I briefly described the room and how she placed him on
a small wall earlier(since it's an interactive I only posted the most recent page I wrote)

Are these short sentences the only way or are there more to bring out a description like that?

"The blossomed predator steps aside(,) opening her dragon guardian(,)? and takes off her cape and hat, placing them on top of the car next to her." Opposite problem here. Needs more commas. and did you mean to say guardian?
--> like this? and yes, I did. That "guardian" is actually just a small dragon ornament holding together her cape(I described it "as if to guard the passage" earlier, so I wanted to keep it up)

[Eyefull]

Ah. That explains it.

No, there are other ways. I just like short sentences for the punch. You could rearrange the sentence to read more like a proper list. "It's warm, smooth, and gently massaging you as...". As it is now, it's a little clunky.

Ok, I understand what you meant by guardian now. As for your corrections, you are on point for the new commas. However, you don't need to change opens to opening. It's fine as is. While I'm at it, "placing" should be "places" so everything can keep the same tense; plus the "and" should be moved. Alternatively, switch out the third comma for a ; and leave placing in its current state. So the end result would either be:

The blossomed predator steps aside, opens her dragon guardian, takes off her cape and hat, and places them on top of the car next to her.
or
The blossomed predator steps aside, opens her dragon guardian, and takes off her cape and hat; placing them on top of the car next to her.

Between the two, I like the second one more, personally. It's ultimately up to you. Glad to be of service!

[Xethoner]

Quote:"Location: Germany"

Hallo schön hier jemand deutschen zu finden, natürlich kann ich dir keine Tipps geben was englische Sprache anbelangt, ist auch nicht meine Muttersprache
Für mich steht aber fest das du Englisch nicht schlecht beherrscht! Und das war jetzt ein Schwabenlob, die bekanntlich an allem sparen.
"Behind you is a vast abyss, at least 50 feet to it's ground... You're caught between a rock and a soft place." Um den kritikpunkt meines Vorgängers herauszugreifen, auch ich finde die Stelle interessant.
Ich bin mir relativ sicher das du beschreiben wolltest das unser Held gefangen zwischen zwei Arten zu sterben bist, einerseits "in" einem weichen Körper andererseits durch den Sprung in die "Tiefe" und dabei hast du versucht die Sache so auszudrücken, dass jede Option als Gefahr dargestellt und den Leser die Optionen des Heldes durchgehen lässt und in eine ungewisse Zukunft abschweifen lässt. Deswegen ist der Punkt Essenziell, er fängt die Spannung ein, die eine Ungewisse Zukunft mit sich bringt und zugleich die Geschichte von einer langweiligen Stunde Geschichtsuntericht wo bereits alles entschieden ist unterscheidet Eine Gradwanderung die vieleicht nicht ganz von "Eyefull" verstanden wurde. Doch das Soft place ist meiner meinung nach eher verwirrend, es drückt ja geborgenheit aus. vieleicht um die Gefahr klarer zu machen: You were terrorised to choose between two equal scaring options one was the concrete abyss behind you the other one was her soft seeming body, nethertheless a threat. Aber ehrlich, ich traue mich nicht zu behaupten der satz wäre jetzt fehlerfrei übernehmbar langsam verstehe ich dein Problem.

Die Kommas kann ich nicht mitreden, die behersche ich ja nichtmal in Deutschen.

The blossomed predator steps aside opens her dragon guardian and takes off her cape and hat Was sollte hier Gurdian heißen!? ist das ne Marke? Vorsicht mit Deutschen Marken, die gibts in Amerika und England meist nicht, selbst wenn du durch sie ein konkretes Bild vor Augen hast~ nimm lieber das langweilige "Jacket" oder so.

Also nochmal konkret durchgearbeitet: How bad is my grammar? Scheint ok zu sein weil sich der Muttersprachler nur über Kommas beschwert.
On a scale(upwards) from 1 to 10 how inappropriate is my comma placement(since I just put them up where it "feels" right. Tja kann ich nicht sagen, aber selbst da könnte wesentlich mehr Kritik kommen also scheint es nicht schlimm zu sein. über 5 auf alle fälle.
I'm trying to use a multitude of words, probably not always fitting the context... Is it very bad? Ein bisschen mehr Selbstüberzeugung, die Geschichte hat bei mir doch durchaus spannung erzeugt, und lies mich mitfiebern.
Am I going way overboard with the text?(I kinda feel like I'm just raping words...) Ich würde sogar noch mehr beschreiben, versuchen noch mehr reinzubringen, etwa wie das licht wirkt, beschrieben mit sowas wie "artifically neon light enclosed your surroundings.". Oder was auch immer du dir vorstellst. Ich kann mir immer noch nicht vorstellen, ob das ganze in einer Tiefgarage, oder einem Stockwerk für Stockwerk nach oben führenden Parkhaus stattfindet auch wenn ich sehr auf Tiefgarage tippe, weil ja kaum jemand vorbei kommen sollte.
Sonst. Der Text ist durchaus fangend und die Kritik die ich übe auf recht hohem niveau, also good job!

[Freevase]

This is a nice story you've written here!

Honestly, as far as I'm concerned, your grammar is pretty good! There's nothing terribly wrong with it that I noticed at first glance. The hyphens and capitals work perfectly, no worries here. I agree the comma placement is slightly off; it's not disturbing or off-putting to the story you've written but a few improvements wouldn't hurt. I'd suggest just culling some off during editing, try removing commas in sentences that make sense when you say them all at once (rather than disjointedly). For example;

"Say, if you're reaaally suuuuure, (this one isn't totally necessary, though not wrong) why did you hesitate?", (commas after speech don't really need to be there) she's calming herself down, resisting the very urge, taking over her body and mind, (the sentence works perfectly without the comma) with all her might."

Of course, if you want any work edited to be correct in comma placement, I'll happily do it.

As for using the right adjectives, there is a slight issue here. It's mostly just trial and error; some words will sound more erotic than others, the more vore stories you read the more vocab you can pick up. I think words like "artificial" and "preparative" sound a tad too clinical rather than emotive (not convinced preparative is a word, prepared would suit better). In contrast I think words like "drenched" and "helplessly" are much more fitting! Never hesitate to use a thesaurus, by the way.

And for the final question, some (but few) of the sentences are somewhat more complicated than they need to be. For example, "In an immature manner she replies:" could be shortened to "She immaturely replies:". Again this isn't too problematic at all, it just flows better.

All in all this story is absolutely fine; I think your concerns aren't too necessary. You have makings of fine authorship! I'd love to see more from you too!

[ChibiToy]

Hi there,

Certainly thanks, for the advice
If it comes to this, be as picky as you can. I want to improve!

@Freevase
You certainly do point some weak points. Having a stick up my *censored*, when it come's to how I should articulate is. Know a few things more but since english is a very politely language and I don't know what's just "too slang" to be used here I'm very hesitant.
Thanks for pointing out Thesaurus. Will be gold in the future
"Of course, if you want any work edited to be correct in comma placement, I'll happily do it." --> I think I will take you up on this offer once I'm finished
I'm sure won't be the last you heard from me.
Yet again thank you

Yours truy

@Xethoner:
Ich fang einfach mal an: "You're caught between a rock and a soft(eigentlich heißt es hard) place":
Im Grunde genommen hast du es ganz richtig erfasst. Englisches Sprichwort und ich übersetze es mit: Zwischen Himmel und Hölle gefangen sein. Ich wollte nur versuchen ein lames Wortspiel zu machen

Wegen dem "guardian":
Wird als Beschützer übersetzt. Ich hab vorher ein kleines Ornament, welches den Umhang zusammenhält, beschrieben und hab das wenig später so formuliert(...as if to guard the passage...)
Ich spiele nur damit rum, Gegenständen eine Bedeutung/Funktion zu geben, die ich später wieder aufgreife, um die Geschichte "lebendig" zu gestalten.

Vielleicht werde ich die Geschichte ja noch irgendwann ins Deutsche übersetzen aber will erstmal überhaupt fertig werden.
Und das wird (für mich) ein Mammutprojekt! Ich muss ehrlich sein Worte wie "verschlingen" oder "Verdauung" können dem englischen Gegenstück irgendwie
nicht das Wasser reichen. Es fühlt sich in meinen Augen irgendwie "falsch" an...


EDIT: Behold my by far greatest work(I'm really proud of how I worded it):

Spoiler: show

"...Your descent comes to a halt as your feet touch a soft wall, though the rest of your body still slides.
In the darkest hour of your life you find a treasure - worthy more than a million dollars:
A foothold!
You cautiously press your feet against it... It works!
You manage to gain a few inches distance to the invisible, gaping abyss beneath but your feet start slipping.
While you work hard to retrieve your treasure you quickly start to slide again due to the slippery, wet and moving surface.
Repeating the previous cycle you're able to sustain your life-or-death struggle on the brink.
A sudden chuckle interrupts your battle as your greatest treasure betrays you - siding with Willow.
Within a moment, you slip off and stumble into a squishy, much more flexibly part of your journey..."

Finished!
https://aryion.com/g4/view/389739
But I think the end is missing something, can't put my finger on it though