Digital Chow

[RoseBlossom]

Here's an interactive story that I have started. If anyone would be willing to give me advice on it, that would be appreciated. Thanks X3

https://aryion.com/iss/page.php?page=1&story=691

[Aleph-Null]

I took a look, it's not bad, but obviously there is very little content. I like that it is written in second person. Some notes below.

There is basically no information as to what this interactive is about, either in your post or in the name. There is no information about the world Rune lives in, obviously there was anti-digestion medication, so there is an implication that vore exists in the real world, but this information is revealed in the middle of a fast paced scene and is only partial information. These things would be good to put in the initial post to set up the story, and prevents you from having to reveal world information in the middle of a scene. Additionally, world information is really helpful if other authors want to contribute. You may also want to lay down rules for contribution, for example if there is a gender preference, and if you want all stories to stay in the second person.

Outside of the above, try to give specific information before the scene that it is relevant to. For example, instead of telling the reader "But, the truth that dresses give a 15% mobility deduction is still there. She probably didn't read the manual, you think." Reveal this information in character creation, and call back to it in the moment. Trying to explain an entire MMO in the moment will be really cumbersome.

I would recommend giving Rune VR gloves as opposed to mouse and keyboard, and re-writing interface descriptions to suit this. In the vore scene, you state "You pull the girl's body forward. Since you know that you couldn't taste her, you decide to slurp her down pretty quickly. But, the VR headset does give you some sense of feeling the situation", when previously you had described the input as mouse and keyboard, and the UI as having a mouse like pointer, you are jumping from accessing your mail with a pointer, to implicit physical interactions, then to suggesting a lack of physical sensation, then, as I read it, you describe the headset giving some tactile feedback. Later in the scene the descriptions suggest whole body immersion. The physical descriptions jump around so much that at first read through I didn't quite realize that the other girl was physically in Rune's stomach. I thought those descriptions were just in game descriptions.

It would probably be easier to give the character VR equipment that allows immersion, then to write this story in a mouse/keyboard input paradigm.

And as one last suggestion, this is kind of a nitpick, but I think it would make the story more immersive. The way the story is written suggests to me that technology is approximately similar to the real world. This is pretty much always goig to be a persons assumption unless stated otherwise. If that is the goal, then I would suggest changing the description of the PC and VR system to be a bit more inline with real systems.

First nitpick, PC software distribution for VR is almost entirely digital. I think there are CDs for PSVR titles, but not for PC. However, there are some expense software packages that ship with a USB key to prevent piracy, possibly this could replace the CD?

Second nitpick, mouse and keyboard is not a primary interface while in VR. There are some titles that you can run that way, but for the most part you would launch a title or go into the VR hub with mouse and keyboard, then switch to either a gamepad or controllers when in VR.

Overall, I think the writing is good, but I would re-format so information flow is better. Add more world information and information about the game itself at the beginning of the story, and once into the story, give the reader information at the same time the character would receive it.

[RoseBlossom]

I took a look, it's not bad, but obviously there is very little content. I like that it is written in second person. Some notes below.

There is basically no information as to what this interactive is about, either in your post or in the name. There is no information about the world Rune lives in, obviously there was anti-digestion medication, so there is an implication that vore exists in the real world, but this information is revealed in the middle of a fast paced scene and is only partial information. These things would be good to put in the initial post to set up the story, and prevents you from having to reveal world information in the middle of a scene. Additionally, world information is really helpful if other authors want to contribute. You may also want to lay down rules for contribution, for example if there is a gender preference, and if you want all stories to stay in the second person.

Outside of the above, try to give specific information before the scene that it is relevant to. For example, instead of telling the reader "But, the truth that dresses give a 15% mobility deduction is still there. She probably didn't read the manual, you think." Reveal this information in character creation, and call back to it in the moment. Trying to explain an entire MMO in the moment will be really cumbersome.

I would recommend giving Rune VR gloves as opposed to mouse and keyboard, and re-writing interface descriptions to suit this. In the vore scene, you state "You pull the girl's body forward. Since you know that you couldn't taste her, you decide to slurp her down pretty quickly. But, the VR headset does give you some sense of feeling the situation", when previously you had described the input as mouse and keyboard, and the UI as having a mouse like pointer, you are jumping from accessing your mail with a pointer, to implicit physical interactions, then to suggesting a lack of physical sensation, then, as I read it, you describe the headset giving some tactile feedback. Later in the scene the descriptions suggest whole body immersion. The physical descriptions jump around so much that at first read through I didn't quite realize that the other girl was physically in Rune's stomach. I thought those descriptions were just in game descriptions.

It would probably be easier to give the character VR equipment that allows immersion, then to write this story in a mouse/keyboard input paradigm.

And as one last suggestion, this is kind of a nitpick, but I think it would make the story more immersive. The way the story is written suggests to me that technology is approximately similar to the real world. This is pretty much always goig to be a persons assumption unless stated otherwise. If that is the goal, then I would suggest changing the description of the PC and VR system to be a bit more inline with real systems.

First nitpick, PC software distribution for VR is almost entirely digital. I think there are CDs for PSVR titles, but not for PC. However, there are some expense software packages that ship with a USB key to prevent piracy, possibly this could replace the CD?

Second nitpick, mouse and keyboard is not a primary interface while in VR. There are some titles that you can run that way, but for the most part you would launch a title or go into the VR hub with mouse and keyboard, then switch to either a gamepad or controllers when in VR.

Overall, I think the writing is good, but I would re-format so information flow is better. Add more world information and information about the game itself at the beginning of the story, and once into the story, give the reader information at the same time the character would receive it.

Thank you so much for your advice ^^ I'm definitely gonna go back and change a lot of the things you mentioned. My writing style is more of building the world as the story goes on, but I see your point on it being somewhat (if not completely) confusing. One of the things I wanna point out (and one of the things I'll be changing so it's clearer) is that Amber, the other girl, is in Rune's character's/virtual body's stomach at first, then she gets teleported into Rune's physical stomach. Again, thank you ^~^