Fixated Work (soft vore, oral, ub, light crush, sexual)

Are you looking for a place to post your work, hoping to receive comments, suggestions and criticisms? If so, this forum is for you! Showcase your stories, drawings, animations, and anything else you have created here. You can even upload your files directly to our site! Note: Everyone is free to share opinions of anything here. If you can't handle criticism, refrain from posting here!
Forum rules
This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.

Read the rules in detail here

Read the Critiquing suggestion here

Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.

Fixated Work (soft vore, oral, ub, light crush, sexual)

Postby fixated1 » Mon Nov 23, 2015 3:12 pm

Hello, first submission. I put this in the upload thread too. I'm not sure where is more appropriate. I would like comments.

This story has a slow buildup. Verbose and long-winded and all that jazz. It's sexual and definitely NSFW.

Contains the following

F/M micro vore
Crushing (feet)
Domination
Vaginal play
Mouth/tongue play
Unwilling prey
Soft vore
Attachments
Goddess.rtf
(16.91 KiB) Downloaded 623 times
Last edited by fixated1 on Fri Dec 25, 2015 6:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.
User avatar
fixated1
Advanced Vorarephile
 
Posts: 655
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 1:38 pm

Re: Goddess

Postby Tyrantofsyberia » Mon Nov 23, 2015 6:05 pm

fixated1 wrote:Verbose and long-winded and all that jazz.

I misread that as 'all that jizz.

As for the story, I liked it.
My seeking rp thread: viewtopic.php?f=31&t=23889&p=789440#p789440
Always open for rp.
不渡り裁判官グラシエラオルベラへ:

病原性細菌は、汝の表皮上におることがあります
User avatar
Tyrantofsyberia
???
 
Posts: 8286
Joined: Tue Aug 10, 2010 12:23 pm
Location: Inside some random dragon

Re: Fixated Work (soft vore, oral, ub, light crush, sexual)

Postby RonanTraumer » Mon Jan 04, 2016 6:36 pm

You seem to have an interest in the finer points of writing and getting useful feedback, so my comments will be a combination of cursory literary critique as well as my general impressions.

Verbose? Hardly. I thought the style was fairly succinct, while still being intense and evocative. If anything, some of the passages had a bit too much of a clipped, staccato pace for my taste, due to many short sentences being used in a row. Overall, the subject matter wasn't quite the type that often gets me going, but the descriptions were immersive, visceral, and "fleshy" enough to keep me titillated throughout. You've definitely invoked the senses, in a natural-sounding way that doesn't come across as overwrought. Not bad.

The action was well-paced, too. I especially enjoyed the tease where she brings him to the brink then gives him a false hope of escape. The expository bits in the first two paragraphs seemed a bit rushed in comparison, like the backstory just needed to be gotten out of the way, to an extent. My recommendation would have been to expand that flashback into a full narrative, keeping the present tense as Dustin lives through those experiences over the course of the day. I imagine that with stories like this, you might have to keep things brief in your setup to avoid losing your audience's attention before it gets to the "good parts" (I'm brand new to this genre so I'm still trying to find that balance myself) but in this case, elaborating on the beginning might afford some benefits:

First, there's the show-don't-tell cliché that all semi-serious writers are surely tired of hearing about by now. You could tell us that "she's been more dominant lately," or you can demonstrate it through action by having Dustin experience the domination and think/remark about how much worse it's getting in the moment. The backstory you've established already works perfectly for this. If you open with a scene from earlier in the day when Ana has just used Dustin and is cleaning her juices off of him in her mouth, he can then complain (inwardly or aloud) about how she used to be more careful. (It would also provide an opportunity to establish what he means about "careful," since it's not very clear. Has she almost swallowed him? Bitten him? Has he almost suffocated when she tenses her tongue and cheeks with arousal and forgets to let him breathe? What makes the present situation different from before?) And then, perhaps, while they're at it somebody interrupts and Ana stashes Dustin in the back of her mouth. We can see his reactions to that, and hers, in real time, and see the tensions growing between them as she slowly develops a desire to swallow him, and his rising dread and suspicion of her intensions -- plus his rising internal conflict between not wanting to die versus his need to please his Goddess. The final scene then becomes the highly satisfying climax as all these tensions come to a head.

By expanding this story into two scenes instead of one, you can develop a complexity and depth of character in both of your subjects, as well as immerse the reader in more of their power dynamic as Dustin experiences a series of ever-increasing perils. Your word count would explode, but it might be worth it.

I hope this is the kind of feedback you were looking for. Regards!
User avatar
RonanTraumer
Somewhat familiar
 
Posts: 81
Joined: Mon Dec 28, 2015 8:09 pm

Re: Fixated Work (soft vore, oral, ub, light crush, sexual)

Postby fixated1 » Fri Jan 08, 2016 1:00 pm

Yes, that is the kind of feedback I'm looking for, thank you! I'm glad what worked, did as well as it did, and what you said can be improved will be. I'll definitely make those changes.
User avatar
fixated1
Advanced Vorarephile
 
Posts: 655
Joined: Sun Nov 22, 2015 1:38 pm


Return to Work to be shared!

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: Nekzleb and 1 guest