Story: The Princess and the Fairies

[NeyNey]

Hi

Heres another story I have written, it's a little longer than my last one and a bit more in depth. It is also a bit more of a slower burn and there is only a couple of actual vore scenes, however the concept is woven into the whole story.

Content: Micro/Macro, Willing, Monster/M and F/F, Digestion, Burping.

Let me know if you enjoy.

[Jurodan]

Needs work, a significant amount of work. Your biggest problem is telling instead of showing and passive sentences. A few examples here: "The troll groans and grunts and inspects Amelia, it then looks weirdly happy and starts to jump around a little. As it is doing this, Regalis runs around to behind the troll and starts to slice away at its heels, then starts to climb up its back, slicing it many times. As he reaches its neck and is about to strike a big blow, the troll manages to whack him off his back, Regalis is flung hard into a nearby tree.
He stumbles a little and recovers fairly quickly, he looks up and is horrified to see Amelia being thrown into the trolls mouth. Amelia screams and tumbles onto its disgusting smelly tongue." So this is a bit of a problem because these sentences are, for lack of a better word, flat. There is no emotion, no depth to them. "The troll grunted and groaned as it's eyes moved over Amelia. *insert a reaction by Amelia to being stared at, reading the expression on its face perhaps, then be jerked around as it begins to dance* Regalis rounded the beast and hacked at it's heels, then leapt onto it's shaggy back as it howled... etc." Right now it just doesn't leave any impact. Use this as a template for what you WANT to write. You say he attacks the troll's heel, explain what that attack did. Was the troll's skin too tough to slice through? Did it cut it to the bone? How did the troll react? Those are things you can explain, from the perspective of the person it is happening to.

Another issue is your tense issues. You switch from past to present in a few places. A good example: "The princess Amelia’s personal servant and royal etiquette teacher slowly made her way up the central spiral staircase, about halfway up she turns onto a hallway and quickly arrives at a large ornately carved wooden door." Here's the problem: "she made her way up" that is past tense, it is something she did, "about halfway up she turns onto a hallway and quickly arrives" both turns and arrives are present tense, they are happening right then. Keep your sentences to one tense if at all possible.

[NeyNey]

Cool thanks for the feedback!

I think some of the issue is I haven't tried writing descriptive prose much for a long time. I've only really written in a script writing format, which tends to omit a lot of detail the majority of the time.

I'll take another look at it later and think more about it, it's good practice at least.