Vore Writing Competition Between My S.O. and I

[pendingdelet205h2n9]

Me and my boyfriend are having a friendly competition to see who can write the better vore story based on the prompt:

'A hero, with the help of a wizard, must travel inside a giant woman to retrieve an item of value'.


Whoever gets the most points in the first week wins! (1 Point per view, 3 Points per Favorite, 5 Points per comment).

He's not a voraphile, but he is a much better writer than me.
He's also a med student, so he knows anatomy and whatnot.

He's always wanted to be more involved in my fetishes, and it was his idea to try this as sort of a friendly contest / team building exercise.
Plus it's always just fun to see other people write about this stuff, the things they focus on, etc.

His Version:
https://aryion.com/g4/view/441843

My Version:
https://aryion.com/g4/view/441840

We sure would love it if you'd give them both a read and let us know what you think!

Thanks!

~Alisa

[KnightleyPaine]

SO:

+Good Vocabulary.
+Fulfilled Objective.
+Built genuine empathy with the Grant character, began rooting for him.
+Some things very well explained.
-Tends a bit much on the tell end of 'show, don't tell'.
-Cliche use of vocabulary, exaggerates adjectives either at random (or rather, their availability in his vocabulary) or with bad choice of focus.
-Seems to have little to no comprehension of the fetish, describes female parts, is otherwise just going through the motions.
-Can't seem to decide if he's making it erotic to male or female fetish audience either. Or rather, his consideration about making it pleasing to people attracted to men started and ended at describing the protagonists. The entire rest of the story turned the other way around.
-Bland narrative, the wizard has such a handsome freckled face, meanwhile, finding the queen of fae is a matter of checking out glades. The queen of fae is just the sum of feminine body parts magnified and seems to have no strong feelings either way, just slight hints of reaction to imply she's sentient but otherwise just seems to be there as a MacGuffin go along with whatever.
-Seems to lose steam quickly as he writes as with most independent written works that are works of obligation, started off strong, then went through the motions to get the story told. Pleasing the fae queen was a matter-of-factly motion dressed behind that planless adjective overuse, and once the 'objective' is cleared, the story is like a stereotypical male lover and immediately falls asleep.
+So rushed, the unaddressed plotholes become less noticeable because your expectations drop as you read.
-But due to how some things are very well explained, the lack of attention to other factors becomes noticeable nonetheless.

Final Verdict: Impressing to rubes. Large vocabulary but unskilled in it's use. Describes a lot, evokes little. Would be promising if he gets his narrative together.



You:

+Starts off genuinely whimsical
+Zandar is a fun character, and overall superior to El at less than half the descriptions by virtue of his mind's uniqueness showing better in his words
+Fulfilled Objective
+Conversation enjoyable, and a good choice of narrative style...
-Oh wait, it's only conversation? I take that back.
-Maybe it's written in the style of using conversation, and tha-nevermind, you just got lazy and put that entire thing into conversation only and forgot to convey anything else even though the story itself isn't pure conversation style.
-You don't seem to be making any effort towards verbal sex-appeal.
-Zandar, the interesting one, stops playing a role. Had to strain myself to keep reading in other guy's perspective.
-Going through the motions again...
-God this is boring.
-Pretty sure all the text spacing means you wrote less than the other person, but it's more tiring to get through.
-Yeah yeah he go through the body he get the skystone.
+You seem to have a better grasp at the appeal of vore and it shows in the language.
+Genuinely chuckled when Giantess first spoke, this was good humor because we've never seen the giantess speak yet and as a fantasy creature she can chafe expectations, this is a lot more than what your opponent did with a fae queen who should have been far more memorable.
-But then you went full cringe.
-Just... why.
-No amount of dropped expectations from reading prepared me for this cringe.

Final Verdict: Diet Katy t3h PeNgU1N oF d00m. Emulated three narrative styles, failed to string them together coherently. Constantly exaggerate every appeal you have until it become insufferable. Would be promising if you knew what to do with what you learned about writing and melded them rather than go for long periods of one well beyond it's welcome.


Point: You
Reason: Conveyed everything in less words. You both were equally bland as whole, but your strong points more concise and varied, though your SO's strong point is more noticeable to the lay reader. Superior humor with Wizard character and giantess were the clutch in spite of cringe, and it feels like you had more fun.

P.S.: Actual Authors take my writing advice so in face of amateur writing it'll probably come across as harsh since I focus on negatives, especially when some things pile enough issues that the effort of explaining them eludes me right now and it ends up being described with generalistic terms such as 'bland'. Don't take the negativity of my reviews to heart, some of it is exaggerated and I'm sure people saying the usual 'awesome work' or whatever can drown me out. The writing lacks a bit of soul so part of me is inclined to believe both of you at one point just wrote to complete the objective because you promised it to each other, actual passion projects might come out much better. Try to structure what you write a little (if you wrote essays in school, that stuff is still useful here) and consider what it is that should be in the reader's attention at any given point.

Good luck to both of you on the contest.

[pendingdelet205h2n9]

In response to KnightleyPaine:

Wow, I didn't expect such an in-depth review.
Not many people will put so much time and effort in,
I appreciate it!

Of course we're both amateur writers making silly stories for fun,
we know they're not New York Times Bestsellers.

But constructive criticism is always appreciated!

Personally, I just write the stories I would like to read at the moment, regardless of how well they're executed.
Which is why they can be repetitive at times, or use cringe humour.
Those are the things I like, but I know they're not everyone's cup of tea.

That's okay.

Thanks again for the review!