Mermaid Vore Story (F/M) - I need a proofreader

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Mermaid Vore Story (F/M) - I need a proofreader

Postby Tassie » Tue Jul 17, 2018 5:56 pm

Last year there was someone who ran a sort of "writers' group" for stories, offering critique and other suggestions to help writers improve their craft. I sure miss that sort of feedback. I know I'm not the best writer around, so that was a big help to keep me writing and making me want to write and share more. I always want to share because other artists here are so talented, and I feel so useless doing nothing but taking from them. I guess what I'm trying to say is, I want to be the best writer I can be, in a way, so I can use it to say "thank you" to other people here who work so hard and so much to create something beautiful for other people to see and read.

Sorry, I'm getting off track. I wrote this over the last year or so; it's so very late, maybe if I waited a few more months, it would be on time again, sorry. A subject I thought of since the time I was younger, this always reminded me of 'home', so this is a little personal, and I would like help to make it a better story.

If someone would be so kind as to proofread it, that would be appreciated more than I can say. I'm afraid I can't pay for help, sorry, but when I post it for real, I will certainly give credit where credit is due. More than one person to proofread would be good too since more eyes means fewer places problems can hide, right? :)
I already used a spell check, so spelling should be decent, but please point out anything I missed, of course. Please check for grammar, the way the story feels and flows, say where it doesn't make sense or where the wording is confusing. I already know I write sentences too long and very complicated, so while I tried to keep them shorter, I feel like I'm always going to be queen of run-on sentences.
I like constructive criticism, since it helps to make writing better.

The story itself is a very basic grab and gulp, and while the predator may or may not be female, it looks the part, so I said it was just simply, 'F'. Suggestions and help with 'tags' would also be appreciated.
For anyone and everyone that helps, a thousand thank-you's.

- - - - - - - - - -

The Perfect Lure

- - - - - - - - - -

School had just started for the year and Bradley felt strange not having to go back, wasting mind-numbing days on books, homework and tests. Pa was on him to find a job, but then Pa himself couldn't ever keep a steady job, which is why they lived in this forsaken backwater dump for all these years. Rent was low because nobody wanted to live here. With practically no jobs to be had, the residents were a collection of old-timers and folk who couldn't afford to live anywhere else.

With a few bucks from washing cars and other little odd-jobs around the neighborhood, there weren't nothing Pa could or would say, especially now that he was again between jobs himself. Bradley wasn't the 'yes-sir' type to join the army, but he was too young to get money from welfare, so with no work and nothing to do, he had to find something to keep him away from Pa's nagging. With the summer heat fading into fall, he decided to do the one thing he knew that cost nothing and still kept him busy, fishing.

Watching the ground for cottonmouths and coral snakes as he made his way to the lazy river, Bradley used a rock to dig a few worms from the soil. Some line and a hook he brought with him could be tied to any old stick and he had an instant fishing pole. Two sunfish and a bluegill were an easy catch since they would snap up near anything tossed their way, hook and all; Brad held up each fish after he pulled it from the water, speaking to them, as if they could understand, "Dumb little fish, you been caught!"

He laughed and shook his head. Fish were so dumb.
The thought kept him amused as he gutted the small fish then roasted them over a little campfire near the riverbank. Even if he took one after another from the water, there was always more to catch, as if they hadn't a clue in the world that they were going to be next. They saw something they wanted and went for it without a thought of the trouble it could land them in. He laughed quietly to himself, "Yup, fish sure are dumb."

Finished with lunch, Brad scattered some wet soil to put out the little fire and leaned back against the trunks of some close-growing birch trees for a nap. As he drifted off to sleep, a sound caught his attention; it was like someone trying to imitate a mosquito whine. Unafraid of the local wildlife, he couldn't figure what it was, and when other squeaks and tones followed, sounding like whines and chirps meant to be words or a song, he looked about for the source. Sleep interrupted by curiosity, he stretched and got to his feet, and with no more than a few steps, he found where the noise was coming from.

At first, he thought it was some dreadfully disfigured woman, but to his disbelief, it wasn't any human, but a mermaid seated on a big rock in the middle of the river! Rubbing his eyes, he looked again, and with her high pitched singsong speech tickling in his ears, he stared in shock at a creature that could only be something of legend!

All the fairy tales and movies have mermaids looking like someone cut the top half off a woman and stuck it on the bottom half of a fish, but this creature was a much more natural looking blend of fish and woman. Big, unblinking eyes and soft smooth skin that was milky white on the front and dark spotted gray on her back spoke an aquatic animal, but a distinctive head topped with a mane of hair, deformed arms and especially her big huge breasts made 'mammal' a sure bet too. Her round shape, a thick neck that flared little at her 'shoulders', floppy arms ending in squid 'hands', a collapsing dorsal fin and most of all, her fish-tail that trailed long after where a woman's feet were supposed to be left no question that he was looking at a mermaid!

A real, live mermaid! Not only did the movies and storybooks have wrong what they looked like, but some inland river was far from the oceans where they were rumored to live.

He wanted to scream 'HOT DAMN! A MERMAID!' or some other celebratory, but if there was one thing Bradley knew about fishing, it was that you never cause a ruckus and scare the fish away, so he sang quietly back to her, "Hey there."

She turned toward him and hiccuped a high pitched tone in reply.

Bradley was buzzing with excitement, but instead of shouting, he greeted, "Well, hello to you too, Missy."

She sang a few musical notes that could have been words, but in his ears, they were little more than pieces of a broken song. Leaving his pa's phone with its camera behind was a huge mistake because nobody would believe he met a mermaid. Bradley was practically numb with the shock, but as he stepped into the water, she rolled into the river and disappeared. He called after her, "No! Don't go, Missy! I ain't goin' a hurt you. I just want to talk."

He waited, still and patient for more than a full minute before she reappeared farther up the river, hiding under the shade of a tree growing on the opposite riverbank, catching his attention with a quiet squeak. Squinting in the sunlight to find her, Brad's eyes finally pierced the the shady little cove to see just her head peeking out of the water, much like a frog does. The comparison was strangely appropriate, he thought, given her shape; if a frog was the size of a big man, was gray and white, had a mane of fur on its head, small dorsal fins for ears and a tiny little mouth that piped musical notes, it could have been her.

He walked deeper into the water, his voice easily carrying over the river in the quiet afternoon, "Don't you worry none, Missy, I'm a friend."

The mermaid disappeared again, and again, Bradley waited. This time, she emerged by the rock Brad had first seen her seated upon. He tried to copy her singing, telling her, "E'ryone's look'in for you, seeing as you's a legend, Missy."

The mermaid made a quiet peeping noise and slipped back into the water. Bradley smiled and puppy-paddled his way quietly and carefully out to the speck of an island, sitting himself on the rock where she had been. Dangling luring fingers into the water, he felt something small nibble for a taste after a minute, and in the quiet, he compared himself to the creature he had seen: she took up a big bunch of this rock, and he took not even half. Sizing her up in his mind, that meant she must be one very big girl, that had to mean those big huge tiddies were even bigger than he had been thinking. Imagining touching and holding all that much woman got him laughing quietly, when suddenly the fish that had been teasing at his fingers disappeared in a flash of panic.

Smiling, he knew about fish, so he sang, "Well, hey, I know you're there, Missy."

It was little surprise when she rose from the water, the top of her big head near his feet and whistled a quiet note; the surprise was to see just how much bigger than him she was. A wet paddle of a hand reached up and stroked his leg. It felt like nothing he had ever known! As if beckoning him into the serene river, her touch was supple and pleading, urging him to join her in the water.

Bradley thought about how every hunter or fisherman had some story about 'the big one that got away' and there'd be nobody in their right brain that'd believe this, so he had to do something to catch her and now. The problem was, since nobody knew anything about mermaids, he didn't know what to do. He tried whistling quietly and she disappeared under the water again.

When she rose up behind him on the other side of the rock, he stayed calm and whistled quietly again. She touched him again with that wet squid-tentacle-hand of hers, and he near jumped since she grabbed the side of his butt. When she recoiled, he slowly slid into the river on the other side of the rock. She peeked around the side, he whistled quietly and when she disappeared into the water, got back onto the rock.

They played this game for more than ten minutes: she would reappear, Brad would whistle and get into the water, she would find him, he would whistle, she would disappear and he would climb back onto the big rock.

When she stopped swimming away, he would look down, whistle and then climb into the water opposite the rock from her. She touched him again, just another brush with her weird hand. The next time he climbed out of and back into the water, she bumped him with her head. After that, she rubbed against him with the full length of her body.

Bradley noticed those huge tits of hers were near big as his head because she slid her soft flesh along him, bumping his face with them! The fold that ran down to where he supposed her waist maybe was ended in a soft loop that could have been where she peed and made babies, and she was not at all shy about touching him with it. That made him instantly turned on, and her touch seemed to go on forever!

When the fin on her tail stroked across his chest and then thumped against him in a casual push, Bradley got back to thinking. She must have been over twelve foot long and if that gentle little push could slam him into the rock behind him so easy, he was dealing with a scary powerful creature.

A flushed out boner made climbing out of the water more difficult. She was instantly behind the rock, playing their game again. Bradley meant in more than one way when he told her, "Dang, you a big girl, Missy."

She disappeared when he laughed, but when he whistled quietly, she emerged again and whistled back. Her mouth was not just one mouth, but two mouths side by side; so that's what gave her whistle that haunting sort of echo, she was singing from two mouths. Brad spoke more quietly to not scare her, "...and you a weird fish, that's for sure, Missy."

She swam to the other side of the rock, and as Bradly moved to one side to watch her, she quickly finished the half circle and then effortlessly placed her bulk on the rock next to Bradley, not so much climbing or even sliding as simply swimming onto tiny island. The wash of water from when she exited the river nearly swept him off the rock. He felt truly dwarfed since she was sitting far taller than him and her tail was draped off the edge, still dangling in the water. She was twice as thick anywhere on her body as he was anywhere on his, but that thickness also squashed her tits to look even bigger!

As he stared without shame, they twitched on their own, moved by a ton of muscle under the wobbly flesh. She was all sorts of weird, and catfish color and two mouths was just the beginning. Those hug boobs of hers had no nipples or sign of pink or any other color to say what they were, but there was some pink at the bottom of that slit that ran from her breasts down her belly.

The weirdness was making Bradley have second thoughts about getting his thing on with a mermaid when one of her dangling arms curled around him and grabbed his butt again. He jumped, proud of himself for not yelping in surprise, but just to give her a taste of her own medicine he grabbed her tit to see how she liked it.

She stopped, but only for a second. She squeezed again, and so did he. Her squid hand started crawling on him, and he ran his hand down her front and tickled at that crevice in the pink skin where he figured her other lady parts were. Whatever her body was built like, it excited her and her boneless arm pulled on Bradley in an awkward hug. His other hand started fondling her breast and she responded by rolling her opposite arm over to pull him into a sideways hug, holding his face under her big tits.

Bradley tried to center himself straddling her, but she was sliding into the water, making it hard for him to stay balanced. She rolled in with a lazy splash while he stayed on the rock.

There was one thought in his head: she wanted him, and he sure as hell wanted her! She peeked back up and piped another whistle, this one urgent and pleading. She swam part way around and sang again, too excited to stay still or quiet for long. Already stripping off his shorts, Bradley answered, "You got it Missy. I'm all yours!"

She was sliding against him before he even finished jumping into the river. He grabbed her with a hug and she grabbed him in return. Pushing his penis into her skin, it slid very comfortably along her body, seeking a way in. She writhed, as much pushing as swimming, giving Bradley a taste of the beast he was riding; soft on the outside and pure muscle on the inside. Keeping hugged to each other, he climbed her body as she lazily carried them away from the rock, into deeper water.

Finding the bottom of that slit, he put himself inside her body, and it felt great! She spread easily for him, and took him deep enough to feel like she was suckling all around his sex. He lifted and pushed again, letting her massage even his balls into her. The mermaid's big breasts rubbed on his neck and shoulders as she swam, putting him in 7th heaven. Thinking some dirty, he wondered if she'd let him hump on her boobs, so Bradley pushed against her body and tried to pull himself up on her.

He moaned with delight when she did more than let him, she helped him! Her squishy flesh slid all around him as his aching hard erection rode that channel in her soft body all the way up to her tits.

Shuddering and ready to blow it all in one big shot right there, suddenly everything went wrong.

Her tits flattened out, stretching flush as the slit he was riding opened! Bradley started to yell, "What the hel..."

He stopped and held his breath as she rolled backwards into the water, putting Brad under her in the water instead of riding on top of her. The tentacles squirming and crawling on his back and butt pulled, shoving his bent knees into that opening and started to 'climb' in place, pushing him into what he wrongly assumed was her sex; those boobs had no nipples because they were jowly folded lips, and that slit was a mouth that he was suddenly being thrust into!

By the time he reacted it was pointlessly late. Trying to grab at her torso and pull himself free, he was already being crammed into her mouth, enclosed in her body and pushed effortlessly into the stomach just below. There was no room to move and no air to breathe.

His brain screamed at him, 'What were you thinking trying to get it on with a wild animal?!'

She must have been built special to catch horny chumps like him, using sex to draw them into the water, and he fell for it, hook line and sinkers. Head starting to spin, skin starting to burn, Bradley thought, "Dumb little man, you been caught!"


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