Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

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Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby OppaiAngel » Wed Sep 12, 2018 11:20 am

Beginning of a new story. Constructive criticism needed!
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby IvesBentonEaton » Wed Sep 12, 2018 1:17 pm

It seems like a solid enough beginning. I should mention as a disclaimer that I am no aficionado of same-size vore, so I won't comment on the content aspect, and I don't have time for a line edit, so my remarks are only general ones:
  • You may want to reconsider the use of present tense. It is always an artistic decision when storytelling, but it can grate on the internal ear. There's a reason why even science fiction set in the future is written in past tense; it "sounds" more natural. Don't use present tense for the sake of using present tense.
  • Make sure your spellchecker is on. A few typos got by you.
  • Watch for plural-possessive confusion. "It's" is never possessive (mentally replacing "it's" with "it is" will bring out erroneous use immediately), whereas "wifes" is isn't really a word since the plural form is "wives" and the possessive form is "wife's".
  • Consider spelling out numbers twelve or smaller: "ten" instead of "10".
  • In cases where dialog ends in a period followed by a speaking action, the period becomes a comma, and the word that follows the quotation is not capitalized unless it is a proper noun. Examples:
    "Wake up," she said.
    "What is it?" Ben asked.
Aside from that, you're off to a good start. Good luck!

EDIT: Corrected error in bullet point #3. I have been given fifty lashes. As you were. :oops:
Last edited by IvesBentonEaton on Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby somedude601 » Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:09 pm

Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby OppaiAngel » Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:11 pm

somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.


I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby somedude601 » Wed Sep 12, 2018 3:57 pm

OppaiAngel wrote:
somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.


I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....

Then perhaps I'll make it my own.
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby OppaiAngel » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:22 pm

somedude601 wrote:
OppaiAngel wrote:
somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.


I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....

Then perhaps I'll make it my own.


So you're going to plagiarize my work??
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby somedude601 » Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:37 pm

I mean I was offering to help you by showing you how you could improve and you declined,
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby Tyslan03 » Wed Sep 12, 2018 10:13 pm

I found that little story delightful and I do hope you make more. I would love to read more about this fascinating world you've hinted at, as well as the naughty characters that live there.
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby OppaiAngel » Thu Sep 13, 2018 7:49 am

Tyslan03 wrote:I found that little story delightful and I do hope you make more. I would love to read more about this fascinating world you've hinted at, as well as the naughty characters that live there.


Thank you!
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby lalalalas » Thu Sep 13, 2018 9:56 pm

I think its a good start! We have a mountain of vore stories to choose from on this site, and you respect your reader's time by introducing your characters and their setting from the start. When it comes to the description of the characters, my personal preference isn't to focus on their exact age in years or exact bust size. If you were to describe a character as having an hourglass figure and a chair later creaks under her weight, the reader can fill in those gaps themselves. You clearly aren't interested in describing the husband, but if you wanted to mention that he was a landscaper, or describe him as having the body of an office worker, ect, its an easy way to let your reader decide his looks on their own.

I'm looking forward to more, especially because I love worlds where vore is normal. I hope you keep going!
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby Cobbly » Fri Sep 14, 2018 5:14 pm

What will this story contain? The title suggests some sort of scat. If so, I would take some time to carefully consider what dialogue, if any, would happen in a disposal scene. Perhaps a final taunt about how this was all the preys fault? Or maybe no taunting. She's a professional after all.
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP

Postby OppaiAngel » Sat Sep 15, 2018 1:06 pm

Cobbly wrote:What will this story contain? The title suggests some sort of scat. If so, I would take some time to carefully consider what dialogue, if any, would happen in a disposal scene. Perhaps a final taunt about how this was all the preys fault? Or maybe no taunting. She's a professional after all.


The title has NOTHING to do with scat. Scat is disgusting. Just my opinion.
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