New writer with a new story

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New writer with a new story

Postby shortprey20 » Mon Dec 17, 2018 5:13 pm

Hello all!

I'm a long time lurker on this site and have always enjoyed coming here to look at the art and read stories by others, but lately I'd thought I'd try my hand at writing!

This story was done in about 2 hours and was inspired by Hozomat's Deep Trouble drawing,

and done with Hozomat's blessing. When I first saw this drawing I just loved the scenario and knew I had to write a story to go with it!

Please feel free to add an critiques or comments you may notice! Let me know what you liked or didd't like and if the reaction to this is positive I will write more!

Now for your consideration:

Waiting for the bus is truly a dull affair. Sure, one could be forgiven for thinking that waiting at a bus stop bench might mean chance encounters with strange and unique individuals likewise needing to traverse across the city, but often than not the bench, like the bus, would be fairly empty. This suited Alyson just fine. She liked the feeling of solitude while passer-bys scurried about thier singular lives, content to enjoy the bench alone. Here she could think, ponder her life and its direction, all without being pestered.

It was a Friday evening, just at the beginning of Fall where the days began to wane and the temperatures dip that Alyson found herself waiting for transportation once again. She had just finished her shift as a waitress and she was anxious and ready to get home to slip into a comfy state of oblivion before the next day, when she would once again don the garb of a waitress and work from 7 am to 5 pm to save money up for her upcoming college semester. One more semester left and she would graduate with honors from her prestigious school and immediately leave for a job waiting for her on the coast. The only thing that dampened her spirits slightly was the knowledge that her brother Tim would be left to fend for himself in the city.

Tim was.....a character. He was approaching his twenty-second year of life and she was on her twenty-seventh but the maturity range between the two might as well have been teenager to adult. She was responsible and smart, he was childish and lazy. While she worked and went to school he was content to work a dead-end job at a local auto repair shop. He didn't want to attend college, nor did he even like cars that much. He was just happy that for the most part his job was easy and he had co-workers that goofed off with him. Still she couldn't fault him for this. Behind his impish behavior was a sweet man, always ready to part with his last twenty dollars to help a friend and nonchalant about his future. He could make anyone smile, and his antics and shenanigans always made him a favorite at parties. If there was one thing Alyson couldn't stand about her brother it was his taste in women. For a man who was sweet and caring, he fell for some of the worst women that Alyson had ever met. No matter what it was, he always seemed to find women that made her skin crawl for one reason or another. Tim wasn't unattractive, he could have found multiple other women that were cute and good souls, but his perchance for finding distasteful partners was legendary.

Alyson wondered about Tim as she waited on that bench. Just the last night he had incessitantly talked about this girl that he had a dinner date with today. Supposedly he had met her at a party reading a book, and after a few of his (as he told it) "charming antics" she agreed to meet him for an early dinner today. Tim getting a date was not unusual, but what was unusual was that she had not heard from him since the start of the date at 3 pm. It was customary that after the date ended she would recieve at least a few texts with a blow by blow of the how good (or bad) the date went. So far, she had heard nothing. It was in such a state of mind, and as she checked her phone to see if she had missed any calls that a shadow passed over her, and upon looking up Alyson noted another woman had joined her on this bench.

The woman next to her was, in every aspect of the word, beautiful. She wore boots that came up to mid calf, and from there he legs were accentuated with a pair of black leggings that followed up her shapely thighs until reaching a short orange shirt. Her midriff lay bare to the cool Fall air, her belly button poking above the short skirt as she sat and her upper torso was covered with a tight black shirt that only enhanced her feminine shape. Her brunette hair fell to her shoulders in cascades and to top off the entire outfit was an orange beret. Her angled features were that of an angel as the light glinted off her glasses while she read her book. Alyson had experimented some in college but had found that men were more her style. Still she could not help but appreciate the pretty woman that sat next to her.

With a start, Alyson realized that while she had been appreciating her unknown companion her phone was buzzing! Quickly looking down she saw the familiar name of her brother pop up on the screen before quickly fading away and a notification of "missed call" displayed itself. With a sigh, Alyson deftly swiped and called her brother back. It rang only once before her brother immediately picked up.
"Oh thank God you picked up! The reception is bad here..."
Tim said. Alyson believed it, he sounded distant and there seemed to be some sort of loud noise in the background, and while Tim spoke it almost seemed to echo ever so slightly.

"Hey bro, you tried to call me?"
Alyson replied. She knew that when Tim called her after a date it could only mean trouble, so she steeled herself for what he was about to say next.

"I..uh I've gotten myself in deep trouble with my date...quite literally." Tim spoke. He sounded nervous, more so than he ever had after a date, even when she had to come bail him out of jail when his date decided a bar fight would be an amusing event.

"Hey listen I know this will sound cra... "
Suddenly a loud roar filled Alyson's ears. The faint voice of her brother was drowned out by what Alyson could only assumed was a dull scream of some monstrous beast while boulders collided and ground against each other. It filled the speaker of her phone and with a quick yank she pulled it away from her face to avoid hurting her ears. It was at this same moment, as the phone was held at arms legnth from her face, that Alyson heard her bench companion's stomach let out a loud rumble. Glancing over to her right, Alyson saw the woman's head turn to face her and with an apologetic look simply said:
"Sorry, must be something I ate."
With that, the woman's face turned back to her book, once again paying attention only to the words on the page.

Alyson was only taken back for a second, then she remembered that she was on the phone and quickly brought the phone back to her ear.

"I said I know this will sound crazy but you gotta believe me!"
He sounded urgent. Whatever that noise was had disturbed him, and he began to talk rapidly as Alyson strained to hear his small voice over the loud ambience of the call.

"Look that date I went out with did something to me! One minute we were both sitting down for dinner at the back of the restaurant and as soon as the waiter left and we were alone she threw some wierd dust at me! The room spun and I blacked out and then the next thing I know is im sitting in my date's hand as big as one of those toy army men! Then she....Oh God she ate me! Aly she swallowed me and I have no idea whats going on! She didn't even say a word to me! I....I think i'm in her stomach. I know she left the restaurant because I could feel her walking. It was like I was in one of those balloon bounce houses that was in the middle of an earth quake"

Alyson listened intently. Her brother was a prankster sure and he had a tendency to do some dumb tricks but this was different. He sounded scared and he had never done any tricks over the phone before. Alyson found it hard to believe him, but still...something about this felt....wrong. She knew her little brother well enough to know when he was lying, and he wasn't lying.

"Ok calm down Tim, just take deep breaths. I think your date might have drugged you and you only think youve been eaten. What restaurant were you at? Tell me where and I'll head over right now"

"ALYSON I'M NOT ON DRUGS! SHE FUCKING SWALLOWED ME WHOLE LIKE A GRAPE! It's dark and its getting wet in here! The walls are soft and slimy, it smells like vomit juice? But the worst part is theres a puddle forming at my feet and I think she's trying digest me!"

"Tim, I need you to be strong, tell me the name of your restaurant! What did your date look like? I need details."

"I was at Little Luigi's but I'm telling you she ate me! Wait no... come here! It didn't feel like she walked too far please hurry you might be able to catch her and get her to throw me up! My date was wearing those wierd french hats and had some stockings on with an orange skirt and a black shirt! Uuuh her name was... uh Charlene! Yes Charlene! Quickly I've already been down here for a while now! I had one bars in here and couldn't reach you before but for some reason I can now!"

Alyson could hear the terror and panic creep into her brothers voice. Whatever he had been drugged with was sending him on a really bad trip, and Alyson worried about the trouble her brother could get in. Luckily Little Luigi's was just around the corner from her bus stop, as many a times she had stopped there for a slice before embarking. She stood quickly from the bench and began to hurry towards the pizzeria. Her pace quickly had her thirty feet away before she realized that the reception on her phone was getting worse the closer she got to the corner and away from the bus stop. Out of the corner of her eye she saw the bus she had been waiting for pull up to the bus stop, and the singular lady with the french beret get on.
French beret......
Wait, her brother had just said that his date was wearing a french hat...and an orange skirt....
Spinning around she ran back to the bus bench, pushing pash other pedestrians as she went, her phone in her hand as she tried to push back those that blocked her way! Knocking over three men dressed in suits she was within 10 feet of the bench as the bus's doors closed and the turn signal blinked to life as the bus began to head back into traffic. Alyson brought the phone back up to her face as the noise on the other end got stronger, and the voice of her brother froze her blood.
And like that, the phone went dead. She tore the phone away from her face as the screen dimmed, and the brief image of a battery with a line through it appeared before the screen went dark. Her phone had died.

The bus inched slowly into the traffic. A red light lay ahead and the bus staggered forward, waiting at any second for the light to turn green and carry its load of passengers to their destination, including her little brother. Hidden away unknown to the world inside the stomach of the woman that had sat on the bench with her.
Alyson stood in disbelief at her phone, before looking up at the bus. She saw her. Charlene. She was sitting near the front, her face framed in the window as she looked right at Alyson. With a little smile on her face, her eyes cold and ruthless, her mouth opened and her throat flexed, and the light turned green. Before Alyson could move, to think, to scream or shout, the bus sped off into the city.
It took only three of four seconds for Alyson to realize that in that brief moment of time before the bus carried her away, the woman had looked right at her and burped.

Let me know what you think in the comments!

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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby Wolfsage » Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:56 am

I liked it. I'd like to see more, maybe a continuation.
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby TheVoreEngineer » Tue Dec 18, 2018 10:10 am

I actually quite enjoyed it, lines up with the image well and tells a nice little story. A couple of good and bad things that stuck out to me

> The way you describe things is good my friend, a lot of showing and not telling, which is awesome to see! Hard to do but as you've shown, very worthwhile to do!
> That ending was amazing, you really conveyed the sensation of being hit with an almost reality altering piece of information in a single instant, reading it you really do feel that Alyson is absolutely helpless, her brother doomed.
> The way you write dialogue flows well, something I can never seem to do properly, so kudos for being able to pull that off.

Not as good
> Putting in onomatopoeia's and caps to accentuate words in a story can break the flow of the writing a little bit too much at times. Back to the show don't tell, you can convey the same thing by breaking up the words and putting in a description of how the character sounds
Spoiler: show

"Alyson she's walking again, her stomach, it's filling with her acid and it's getting really hot!" Screamed Tim, his voice barely legible between his own sobs and the guttural howls in the background, "Hurry up and save me! Oh fuck! She's digesting me, it's really beginning to burn, do something please! Oh god please sa......"

> Bit's and pieces of grammar a little off, but that's all right, I'm probably curmudgeonly with my critique of grammar, so might be ok to ignore this.

Again, overall I really liked it, and I would love to see more from you!
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby shortprey20 » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:02 pm

TheVoreEngineer, thanks! I'm not a writer by trade it's always been more of a hobby for me and i woll gladly take any feedback! I agree with your points and in fact when i post this to a gallery I will take your advice and change the structure to more like your example. So please be nitpicky!

I have a few ideas for new stories that I will try to have up soon! Thanks for the advice and compliments!
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby shortprey20 » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:06 pm

Yin/Yang, funny enough Hozomat inspired me to write this with his drawing and this story inspired him to draw a continuation. So you very well could see a sequel.
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby Hozomat » Tue Dec 18, 2018 12:42 pm

shortprey20 wrote:Yin/Yang, funny enough Hozomat inspired me to write this with his drawing and this story inspired him to draw a continuation. So you very well could see a sequel.

Actually, I intend to write that sequel. Drawing is fun, but writing is more simple and quick, and I intended to write another story for Charlene anyway :)
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby shortprey20 » Tue Dec 18, 2018 8:25 pm

Oooooooh either way now im excited for a continuation! XD looking forward to it Hozomat!
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Re: New writer with a new story

Postby spanxthanx » Mon Feb 04, 2019 12:57 pm

I really liked it and the way that vore was introduced in a world where vore isn't supposed to be possible reminded me about Stephen King (not the gunslinger books), he always starts with a normal world but then supernatural stuff start to happen. It was very short. The good thing about very short stories is that they can get to the interesting parts faster, the downside is that they end soon.

The story had a quest in it, to find out what had happened to the guy on the other end of the phone conversation.
There was a plot that had a sense of progress in that more detail was being found out about something that hadn't been heard about could happen before.
There was emotion and a conflict. The pred was nonchalant to their plight.
There was a twist in the end.

Quite good, I liked it. Too bad it was short though. I also liked how all of the conflict was condensed into two comic squares, I like photo manips with added text on deviant art.
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