looking for critique on writing (f/f, GTS)

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looking for critique on writing (f/f, GTS)

Postby Esprit » Sat Apr 03, 2021 1:48 pm

this is a story i wrote a few months ago, but it is still the best example of my writing style. i want to improve, so i would really appreciate honest comments about it's flaws- the comments on the original post (https://aryion.com/g4/view/648804) are all really nice, which is great and i do appreciate it, but not much help when it comes to discovering problems...

------delivery girl------
Seat hard on the butt, handlebar in the hand, Lynn Duress peddled her bicycle towards the address displayed on her MWatch™; 700 Thimble Ct. apartment 4D.



Though this was her first delivery with her new job, finding addresses was nothing new to Lynn. After flunking out of college at the age of 20, she had spent three years working at a local pizza place. Unfortunately, Several years of money management issues forced them to let her go.



After a year of her applications being rejected by the likes of McDonalds and Walmart, Lynn was backed into a corner. With bills to pay and savings running dry, she was forced to look somewhere with even lower standards… the hip new “alternative food” app PorchRunner; The Food of the Future™.



She took a second to tap at her watch, looking for more information on the person who would be her first customer. “Madison Taylor, 20, F” the watch displayed. The poor girl had two first names.



A bead of sweat dripped from Lynn's short, messy black hair that hung over her eyes. the salty drop fell towards her tan, yet freckled face, landing first on her nose, and then continuing down onto her lips.



Lynn’s hair wasn't the only part of her body that had become a sweaty mess. Her white shirt was drenched, clinging to her impressive bust, and letting her bra show clearly through the thin, wet cloth. Embarrassed, she leaned forward. The fabric peeled away, working somewhat to obscure her breasts.



She glanced ahead towards another young girl, who was coasting on her bike without pedaling. Even with the distance between them, Lynn could hear its little magic motor whirring away. She glanced down at her MWatch, powered by the same magic effortlessly propelling the girl in front of her. Lynn would kill to have one of those fancy magic bikes, but $1,000 was just too much for a broke college dropout.



It was hard to believe that, just 50 years ago, magic was nothing but fantasy. Now it was everywhere… in the bikes, in the watches… and even at the dinner table.



Putting her thoughts about the world aside, Lynn glanced to her right. Over the 4-story buildings and trees that populated this part of her city stood a steel, wireframe monolith, towering above the apartments and roads.



A 5M tower.



She looked back down at her watch. Its magic power was reading 99%. Its magic power was always reading 99%.



“In 50ft, turn right on Thimble Ct” her watch spoke through her magic-powered wireless earbuds, briefly overriding her music. She was almost there.



Lynn looked closer at her magic watch. Inside its slick and modern exterior was a complex maze of circuitry that no one- not even the engineers responsible for it's creation- fully understood.



suddenly, a voice came over her wireless magic earbuds, jolting Lynn from her daydreaming.



"Magic is a mystery. it follows no rules, yet it can only do certain, highly specific things... and it's an odd list of things indeed! Want your brother to be 1.25x the size your brother currently is? well, you are in luck! just one zap, and BANG! Big brother. Now you want your birthday cake to be 1.25x the size it currently is? no dice. you only get a normal birthday cake. world hunger, so close to being history, will remain… or will it?"



Lynn, being an irresponsible bike rider, took her left hand off the handlebars to tap the "Skip Ad" button on the PorchRunner ad that had taken over her watch. "Dudes, I work for you" she said to herself as the 1700 sea shanties she would be embarrassed to admit she loved listening to returned to her headphones.



After only about 30 more seconds of peddling, Lynn looked to her left. "building 699". she stopped her bike, and looked to her right. "building 700".



The sweat-drenched delivery girl took the lock out of her basket and chained her bike to the nearest tree. She took a second to ponder theoretical bike parking rules, not yet familiar with bicycle law. "This is probably legal" she muttered to herself, moving on. She missed the old Hondamagic Civic she used to deliver pizzas. It was the first thing to go after she lost her job.



Lynn looked back at her bike in a brief moment of forgetfulness. "what was I deliv…" she began to mutter to herself before realizing. "oh, yea." she remembered, setting off to find the apartment who's number she was now checking her watch for. This job was going to take some getting used to.



"The 4th floor… why is it always the 4th floor?" The tired girl thought back to all the stair climbing done in her previous job. Her legs were still sore from the bike ride, so stairs were the last thing she wanted to traverse at the moment. Her lack of exercise wasn't the sole reason for her exhaustion- the ache in her legs came from the fact her bike was too small for her... in fact, most girl’s bikes were. Standing at just about 6', the only bikes in stock at the store she visited yesterday that weren't too small were men’s bikes… and if she knew how much of a difference it would make, she would have gotten one of those instead!



The torture of the staircase over, she only had to take a few more steps before she spotted it. Apartment 4D. Lynn stopped, the same feeling from when she was locking up her bike returning to her. Both her hands were empty, and not carrying something felt off… but nothing was off. She wasn't delivering pizzas anymore.



"As with anything with stupid rules, magic has some stupid loopholes. Combine enough unrelated features, and you got yourself something you aren’t supposed to have. Sure, you can't make your food endless… but throw together a few spells and you got yourself a recipe for lunch.



What recipe, you might ask? Well, here you go!



· 1 regeneration spell



· 1 respiration spell



· Shrinking and growing spells…



· ...And 1 willing participant.



Usually, a willing participant for such a mad scheme would be hard to come by… but $45.81 (+ $3.25 for every additional hour after the first 48) can fix that real quick."



Lynn was again annoyed by a PorchRunner ad, though she let it finnish this time, being too lost in thought to skip.



It is an easy job. It is an interesting job. It is a fun job. These are just some of the many things Lynn had told herself to explain why she was starting such an undesirable job… but, in the end, there is only one reason behind every delivery worker. “I need money, and fast”. Bills and food, they need to be paid and eaten. as Lynn had found out, McDonalds only needs so many people… some gotta find something else. For many, though they may hate it, this was that “else”.



Lynn knocked. After a few seconds, the door was opened by a girl with a cellphone pressed up to one ear. She looked to be a college student- her PorchRunner profile did say she was 20. that would make her four years younger than Lynn. she was short- probably about 5’ 3, with long blond hair and wearing a jacket for the local university. “Sorry, gotta go! Dinner’s here!” she said to the person on the other end of the phone, stepping away to let Lynn in while hanging up.



Looking around as she stepped through the front door, Lynn was greeted by the smell that you would expect from the messy room of a college student. Mildew and sweat. It was clear where the smell was coming from; the living room in front of Lynn was covered in dirty laundry and food trash. Between her and it, however, was a neat and tidy dining room, with a kitchen table completely free from the junk and clothes that plagued the living room.



The blonde girl with the jacket, who Lynn could now reason was her customer, Madison, left the room through a door on the right. Lynn could instantly tell this door led to the kitchen when it was opened; the smell of unidentifiable food cooking overpowering the native stench.



“You can start stripping now” Madison said, poking her head back through the door, seemingly confused as to why Lynn still had her clothes on. “Ah…! Sorry! This is my first time…” Lynn trailed off, trying to find the right words to explain why she was having difficulty following along. “Oh, I see. It’s ok.” the girl replied, somewhat relieving Lynn of her nervousness.



Lynn started by first removing the obvious, her shirt, shoes, socks, and pants, before pausing in her undergarments. “Am I supposed to take these off…?” she wandered quietly to herself. Even though “alternative food” had been around since before Lynn was born, she never had any up-close exposure to the practice. Even after she had gotten a job as “alternative food”, she had never actually thought to try it herself… and now she was paying the price. Completely stumped, she decided to wait for Madison to come back so she could ask.



After a minute, Madison returned from the kitchen, carrying a plate with some toast and a bowl of tomato soup atop. “What's the matter?” she asked, looking curious as to why Lynn still had on her bra and panties.



“Am I supposed to take these off…?” she repeated the same line she had previously whispered to herself, pointing to the bra covering her massive breasts, and the pair of panties that hugged her admittedly lackluster hips. “Yes, yes you are… unless you want to leave here topless because your bra got digested!” Madison replied with a laugh while setting her dish on the dining table. “You really did no research before you took this job?”she continued, still with a smile. “I just looked up the basics…” Lynn replied, somewhat ashamed.



Within a few seconds, Lynn had removed her bra and had pulled down her underwear. She now stood naked in a stranger’s dining room. She tried, somewhat unsuccessfully, to cover her chest and nether regions with her hands, watching while Megan stood, tapping through something on her MWatch. "Probably the PorchRunner app", Lynn thought.



"The app still thinks you are on your way here." Madison told Lynn, looking up from her watch. "Sorry!" Lynn replied, quickly opening the PorchRunner app on her own watch to click the “arrived” button. “I guess this is how the app knows to let her watch override mine…” Lynn thought to herself.



One tap by Madison later, and Lynn felt a familiar tingling sensation all over her body. “This is it…” she thought. “This will be my first time being eaten.”



Shrinking was nothing new to Lynn… or anyone, really. Modern society had taken to magic and its many possibilities like Americans had to DDT in the 1950s. Dentists would shrink themselves to get a better view of their patients teeth. Highschool boys would shrink themselves to try and sneak into the girls locker rooms. When Lynn was a kid in elementary school, the most hype day of the whole year was the day the teachers would shrink all the kids to only 1/12th of their original size and let them explore their now huge school building. Heck, just earlier that day Lynn had shrunk herself to retrieve a pen that had rolled under her refrigerator.



After only a second, Lynn was left standing at two and a half inches tall. The vast majority of her body mass had gone through her magic watch, Dissipating through the atmosphere as magic energy. Sometime in the near future, that magic energy would make its way back to a 5M tower, and be broadcasted back to someone's watch. The magic cycle.



Madison, who was now to Lynn a giant, bent over and scooped her up off the floor. Lynn fell back onto the giant palm, her bare butt sat upon the wide expanse of skin. One dizzying moment later, and Lynn was now above the plate of side-dishes on the table. The hand fell out from underneath her, as she was dumped onto the dish next to the toast.



Lynn had a moment to take everything in as the giantess pulled out a chair to sit down. Turning away from the giant girl, she could see two pieces of toast, stacked on top of eachother, to the right. To her left was the bowl of tomato soup, its rim so high Lynn couldn’t even see over top of it.



“holy heck… I'm food now...” the realization suddenly came over her. She whirled around just in time to see a giant hand reaching over her, picking up one of the giant pieces of toasted bread and caring it over to the bowl. About a third of the toast was submerged in the red soup before it was slowly removed and carefully brought to the giant’s gargantuan mouth.



One bite, and then another, and another, Lynn watched as the piece of bread several times her own size was torn apart, chewed to mush, and swallowed. “That's going to be me.” she thought. “One more, and then that’s me”



The giant hand returned, picking up the second piece of bread and repeating the sequence that brought the first piece of bread to its demise. Lynn stood, her eyes fixed upon the normally mundane sequence of events. “Will she chew me too?” she thought, watching the massive jaw working on the bread. “What will it be like being swallowed?” her thoughts continued, her gaze falling upon movement in the giant’s throat.



Her thoughts probably would have continued even further, if not for the giant hand that had finally come for her. This was nothing like her first trip on the giantess’ palm. The fingers gripped her tightly, with no regard for her comfort. A finger on her stomach, and a thumb on her back, she was being held as one would hold a cracker, or a chip.



She turned her head towards the one whose grasp she was in. Madison’s face was no longer the happy, supportive face of the girl who had playfully teased her during the undressing process. Her face was blank. Emotionless. Her face was not the face of a girl looking at another human, it was the face of a girl looking at an item. a piece of food.



Lynn felt hot steam suddenly engulf her as she was brought over the bowl of soup. Abruptly, the world rushed up around her as she was plunged down by the giant hand. She felt her foot smack into the searing liquid, followed quickly by her legs, hips, and lower stomach. As quickly as she had been brought down, she was lifted back up, a layer of hot soup now coating her lower half.



The giant hand brought Lynn to the mammoth girl’s awaiting maw. “This is it’’ Lynn thought to herself. A giant tongue snaked its way out of the yawning chasm. It made its way between Lynn’s legs and rubbed across her butt as it made its way underneath her.



Suddenly, the tongue retracted, bringing Lynn some way along back with it. She had not traveled far before a jolt of pain shot through Lynn’s entire body. giant teeth clench down on her upper legs, gripping just loosely enough as to not crush them. The huge pair of lips followed quickly, making an airtight seal around Lynn’s hips.



Lynn felt a sudden tug on her body. In an instant, the teeth clamped down on her legs were released, and Lynn’s entire body was slurped into the pitch black mouth. Disoriented from the lack of light, Lynn did nothing to fight back as the giant tongue pushed her to the left.



A huge crunch gave Lynn a new perspective on the meaning of pain. Her body was mashed between molars, broken and smashed to bits by the massive teeth. Her cry of pain was cut short by the tongue returning to reorientate her for the next bite.



As soon as she was peeled off the teeth, the pain started to subside. The regeneration spell from her MWatch was more than capable of putting all her bones back in one piece, and she was almost completely healed before the teeth came crashing down a second time.



Time and time again, she was mashed between giant sets of teeth, each time she was forced into a new position for the next munch. She felt her arm ripped off, only to find it right back where it was supposed to be. A huge crunch popped her head open, only for it to be completely back to normal a split second later.



Hell



Although the whole ordeal only took about 10 seconds, to Lynn it seemed like hours. A particularly nasty clash of teeth tore her clean in half, and then, before the regeneration spell could even heal her, Madison’s giant tongue brought her to the back of her mouth, and she was swallowed.



Although she had nearly lost consciousness at this point, the new environment brought her back to her senses. Nearly immediately after the gulp, Lynn had regained feeling in her legs. The walls of Madison’s throat tightened around her, caring her down towards the pit of acid below. Lynn could finally relax. It was definitely not a pleasurable sensation, but it beat being chewed into mush.



This respite did not last long, however. Lynn could feel her head being pushed through some sort of tight opening, and then, suddenly, her entire body plopped down into a churning mass of chewed up bread, tomato soup, her own former body parts, and stomach acid.



In complete darkness and totally submerged in the food and acid, there was nothing Lynn could do. She was along for the ride, no rest and no choice. Despite the respiration spell, her lungues screamed for air. The acid on her skin burned, though the regeneration spell was constantly replacing the clumps of flesh that were being dissolved off her body.



Hell



For several hours she endured the constant jostling, unable to breath, unable to feel anything but pain. Barely conscious, she was given a slight spark of hope as the stomach started contracting, squeezing her half-melted body through a small hole opening up in the floor. Finally, free from the constant burning and churning of the stomach, she slowly started to feel sleep coming over her. Thankful, she welcomed unconsciousness as she began her long journey through the small intestine.



Lynn awoke with a start, the events of the previous day all coming back to her at once. Her brief panicked bout of remembering was cut short by a growl in her stomach. “So… what am I supposed to eat here” she thought to herself, in pitch darkness.



On all sides she could feel intestinal walls, squeezing, twisting, and bending her to its will. A foul liquid was running past her, navigating around her legs and hips like a river, and squeezing past her large breasts and continuing on down past her head. “Eww” she thought to herself.



The smell was awful. She was surrounded by flesh, covered and smeared in human waist. The air she was breathing had little oxygen- it was all methane. Having air at all was a big improvement to her previous situation, as the respiration spell was still working it’s magic, supplying her body with it’s required oxygen.



Her surroundings taken in, Lynn’s next order of business was to get her hands somewhere she could use them. Wiggling and twisting, she managed to maneuver one arm in front of her, and then the other. Lynn cleared the stains from her watch and wiped off the gunk covering her face, giving her full access to her MWatch- and all the entertainment that came with it.



From her research, Lynn knew that food could take anywhere from 10 to 70 hours to pass through the colon- an experience she was not looking forward to. Having internet access, though, might make the journey bearable.



In the dim light from her MWatch, Lynn could just make out the shape of a large, solid mass in an arm's reach ahead of her. “Gross” she said allowed, realizing what it was.



Lynn’s stomach growled again, causing her to take the problem of her next meal more seriously. She knew she only had two options; either eat the mostly digested food surrounding her, or eat her own body for sustenance.



Lynn spent a few minutes half-heartedly nibbling on her fingers, but she began to realise the pain of losing and regenerating limbs was something she wanted to avoid needlessly enduring. Using one hand, she took a small scoop of fecal matter from the log above her head and brought the foul substance closer to her mouth.



Not worth it. not one bit. With a sigh of hunger, Lynn flung the smelly mass back towards its origin. Food or no food, her hunger would return full force as soon as she grew back to her normal size. In her shrunken state, the regeneration spell would have no problem keeping her alive and well until that point.



Doing her best to ignore the growling in her stomach, Lynn used her MWatch to pass her day in the colon. Youtube, music, and twitter became her entire world. She was beginning to realize that, apart from the poop everywhere, this was eerily similar to her previous, unemployed life.



Finally, about 30 hours from when she was first ingested, Lynn could tell something was changing. The fleshy walls that had spent hours heaving and pulsating around her were beginning to calm. The gap between her and the wall of human waist ahead began to shrink, and Lynn felt another ball of mush encroaching on her feat.



Lynn was now being compacted between two huge masses of feces. The waist behind her pushed around her legs, and she was, in turn, pressed arms and head first into the log to her front. It oozed around her, totally encasing her upper body. She was frozen, trapped in place, unable to move. She was now in the butt.



Her time spent in Madison’s anus was, fortunately, short. She had only spent roughly 30 minutes smushed between the two giant logs before she felt her world changing yet again. The pressure around her faded, then suddenly returned full force. A loud PLOP! Sounded below her, giving a good idea as to what was in store for her in the coming seconds.



Lynn’s world lurched abruptly. Her stomach twisted itself into knots as she felt herself plunging. with a large SPLASH!, the fecal matter that had encased Lynn was broken in half. She was suddenly dropped into the cold, swirling lake of excrement.



Doing her best to tread water, Lynn’s gaise was drawn upwards by the sound of a large BRAAP! The giant asshole she had just been expelled from was opening again, another log beginning to protrude directly above her head.



Panicked, Lynn did her best to remove herself from the soon-to-be impact zone, but her futile attempt at swimming only got her an inch from where she started before the huge mass splashed down behind her.



Caught up in the resulting wave, Lynn was pulled under. Foul water filled her mouth as she was carried along and turned all about. With no sense of up, all she could do was reach about, desperately trying to find air.



Finally, Lynn’s head broke above the surface. She spent a second coughing and spitting out the toilet water in her mouth, and opened her eyes to reassess her situation.



As soon as she rubbed the dirty water off her face, a torrent of warm urine came crashing down directly atop her head. Again left to the mercy of the currents, Lynn was carried back down into the depths.



Coughing and sputtering, Lynn’s head finally re-emerged above surface. This time she found she had something to climb on top of; a huge wad of toilet paper floating to her side.



Now with something under her supporting her weight, she decided to try again to figure out her next step. Around she looked. In the dim light making its way through the gap between the giant girl’s legs far above her, Lynn could make out just about all her surroundings. On all four sides towered a white, glimmering cliff face. To the rear of the toilet bowl, however, was her exit. A small white ledge, just above the waterline, leading to a door in the very back middle.



Lynn again plunged into the disgusting water, now yellow from the pee. She made her way around wads of toilet paper, still falling from above, and towards her destination ahead.



The world around her was suddenly lit up, the giant now standing. With a much clearer view of her destination giving her a spark of motivation, Lynn paddled harder, despite her exhaustion.



Tired, weary, and hungry, Lynn summoned all the energy she had left to clamer onto the ledge. She was still for a moment, on her hands and knees, waiting for the energy to stand up. After a few moments, she was finally standing. She turned to look up at the bathroom ceiling far above her, only to see Madison’s gigantic face, staring back down at her, waiting. She stood, pants still down and out of view, with a finger on the flush trigger. a giant CLUNK! sounded as it was pressed down. Lynn watched as, to her surprise, absolutely nothing happened.



It took Lynn a second to get the hint, but soon she scrambled over to the door at the very back of the toilet bowl and pressed the “open” button. The door slid open, and Lynn stepped into the large purpose-built room. It was, for the most part, empty, save for a long curtain of falling water on the far wall.



Lynn listened as the door behind her slid shut, followed by a monstrous WHOOSH! and a deafening rumble as the toilet was finally able to flush. Over the sound of the rushing water, a ding was played through her magic earbuds. She flashed a glance down at her watch just in time to see the words “delivery completed. +$40.81”



Hell was finally over.



Lynn made her way over to the waterfall, eager to finally be clean once again. As she stepped underneath the shower, she felt all the sludge that had clung to her for the past few days being removed from her skin



She spent probably close to 30 minutes in the shower. The water made its way through her hair, over her G cup breasts she was so proud of, and the narrow hips that ruined her figure, removing the human waste and body fluids that had covered her for so long. Her freckled skin was starting to show from beneath the coating of brown, and her nose was finally cleared from the stench that had lingered around her just moments earlier.



Satisfied that she had done all she could without soap and shampoo, Lynn stepped back into the open room. Her watch was showing an “unshrink option”, so all she needed was to find her way out to the bathroom. Looking to her right, she spotted a big, red “EXIT” sign. “That's it” she said out loud to herself, setting off on her way.



Stopping for a second, Lynn looked back down at her watch. It was 1:00 AM, 2 days after she was originally eaten. That was 31 hours she had spent in the giant girls gut, for which she had made only $45.81. That was less than $1.47 an hour. Insane... but could you really count being squeezed through an intestine “working”? ...Lynn didn’t have an answer.



Lynn made her way through the exit, traveling down a set of tiny stairs and stepping out onto the wide expanse of white linoleum that made up the bathroom floor. Madison had already vacated the room, leaving Lynn alone to go about her next order of business.



As Lynn traversed the fake white tile to the center of the bathroom, she caught a whiff of the putrid scent that had seeped deep into her skin. She found it remarkable that, despite being exposed to the same terrible smell for days on end, she hadn’t quite gone nose blind to it. It would probably take several hours of soaking in her bath to remove the stench from her body.



Having made it to an area with no obstructions, Lynn was able to trigger the unshrinking sequence. She hit the button on her watch, and, in an instant, she could feel the mass she had lost days ago being pumped back into her. The world around her became smaller, as she herself became bigger. Finally, the torment was over- Lynn was free… and she was also standing naked in a stranger’s bathroom.



Suddenly, a terrible hunger gripped her body. It was almost if the unshrinking spell had attempted to undo any nutrition she had gained while shrunk, leaving Lynn weak and famished. After a dizzying second, however, she was able to regain her senses. Magic would never leave you near death, just very, very hungry.



As Lynn left on a quest to find the clothing she had shed what seemed like ages ago, she ran into a suddenly friendly Madison in the hallway. They partook in a brief set of formalities that Lynn honestly wanted no part of, and Madison led her to her clothes, still in the crumpled up pile she had left them in.



Lynn wiggled back into her clothes, and left the girl who had eaten her. Though she was safe again for now, it was with a heavy heart she realized she would be right back on someone’s plate tomorrow- unless she wanted to be evicted for not paying rent. Life must continue however, and Lynn turned her attention to her most immediate concern; finding her bike and peddling it over to a fast food joint so she could alleviate her insatiable hunger.
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Esprit
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Re: looking for critique on writing (f/f, GTS)

Postby Apex » Sun Apr 04, 2021 4:56 am

Let's see what I can do here...

Your pacing is incredibly strange. A number of sentences that could be combined into single paragraphs are scattered about.


Though this was her first delivery with her new job, finding addresses was nothing new to Lynn. After flunking out of college at the age of 20, she had spent three years working at a local pizza place. Unfortunately, Several years of money management issues forced them to let her go.

After a year of her applications being rejected by the likes of McDonalds and Walmart, Lynn was backed into a corner. With bills to pay and savings running dry, she was forced to look somewhere with even lower standards… the hip new “alternative food” app PorchRunner; The Food of the Future™.


For example.

I also have some serious problems with this bit:

Putting her thoughts about the world aside, Lynn glanced to her right. Over the 4-story buildings and trees that populated this part of her city stood a steel, wireframe monolith, towering above the apartments and roads.

A 5M tower.


It took me an unfortunately long time to realize you were referencing 5G towers. You clearly put a lot of thought into the flowery physical description of them but didn't actually tell us what we were looking at. "But of course I did," you might say. "I told you it was a 5M tower." Here's the thing... Even as someone from the USA, my first thought when I saw 5M was "5 meters." I quickly figured that couldn't be correct but my next thought was that 5M was the name you gave the magic tech company (so it's like, "The MWatch, from 5M") and I then assumed it was an office building for the 5M company. At some point, I went back and reread it, and only then did I realize "wireframe monolith" meant "cellular tower." Taking brand names and moving their names a step to the side works because there's oftentimes still a ton of letters to recognize. We don't get that with a single number followed by a single letter.

You also seem to enjoy including details I don't find entirely necessary throughout the story. Sometimes it seems to be for the sake of worldbuilding and other times I'm not entirely sure what the purpose is.

She looked back down at her watch. Its magic power was reading 99%. Its magic power was always reading 99%.


I assume this is for worldbuilding purposes as a way to show how superior their batteries are to real-life ones. The thing is, I don't see the point to this. Perhaps if it didn't have it's own dedicated paragraph it would make more sense to me. As it is, I'm just confused.

Lynn looked closer at her magic watch. Inside its slick and modern exterior was a complex maze of circuitry that no one- not even the engineers responsible for it's creation- fully understood.


And an example of something that I have no idea why it's here. Of course a pseudo-Apple watch is full of complex circuitry. But not even the people that made it understand? That's incredibly bizarre. You really have to stop and think and make sure the information has a purpose when you put it in.

Then, this advertisement. I hate it. Why "1.25X?" When I read this, it's, "One point twenty-five times," or, "One point two five times." That's a huge mouthful and imagining someone saying it in an ad makes me cringe. Why not just say twice? Or double? I know that's a lot more than 1.25X but at least is sounds nice. Or, if it has to be 1.25X, then say something like "25 percent larger." Rolls off the tongue so much better, in my opinion. I also hate the, "or will it?" at the end. Feels very infomercial-y. Like, the slap-chop kind. "Even with all our kitchen technology, onions will remain as the chef's natural enemy... Or will they? Introducing, the slap-chop!"

That's what it feels like to me. It's even worse because you have Lynn cut it off now only to continue it later. What's the use of breaking it up in terms of storytelling? I think you would have been better served with leaving the whole ad to play as Lynn is walking up the steps to the apartment. Draw it out a little bit. Have her reacting to the ad as it plays. Maybe start with, "Ugh, of course, I can't skip this one," and then show how she gets more nervous as the ad plays and reminds her--while telling the audience--exactly what she's about to have done to her. That tension could be huge. Gripping. Instead, we just have her standing in front of a door while listening to a very strange advertisement. Not sure if you realized it but they essentially call their product stupid. If you're trying to sell something, you probably shouldn't call the way it works stupid in any context.

Oh, woof, I should have read the tags.

But, on the bright side, your writing really improves once Lynn starts getting eaten. The only problems I have are from a story standpoint but I don't think they're really relevant. I'm assuming this is the kind of content you want to write since you're writing it, so me wondering why this setting allows such things is pretty pointless.

My only suggestion at this point is that words like "fecal matter" and "excrement" aren't sexy, at least not to me. It can pay to be less clinical, even crass if you want to elicit arousal and the like. Assuming that's your goal, of course.

And after finishing, I can definitely say the only problems I have are story-based. Even the short, jumpy sentence paragraphs that I mentioned disliking earlier kind of work for the high-intensity situations surrounding the travel through Madison's bowels and the resulting swim in her toilet. Though I guess there could be a bit more substance here and there. I'm looking at these lines in particular:

Finally, Lynn’s head broke above the surface. She spent a second coughing and spitting out the toilet water in her mouth, and opened her eyes to reassess her situation.

As soon as she rubbed the dirty water off her face, a torrent of warm urine came crashing down directly atop her head. Again left to the mercy of the currents, Lynn was carried back down into the depths.

Coughing and sputtering, Lynn’s head finally re-emerged above surface.


I feel like there could be more to them. Lynn's panic as she tries to keep her head above water. The sensations she feels swimming in a stranger's urine, in this case mostly the physical. How it feels to have it in her nose and against her skin and the like. For the first paragraph in particular, you mention her assessing her situation but then there's nothing there. Not even a, "she looked left, then right, then got hit in the head by a stream of piss." Just a bit weird.

And that's all I really got. I doubt this is as helpful as you'd like but it's what I have.
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Re: looking for critique on writing (f/f, GTS)

Postby Esprit » Sun Apr 04, 2021 8:39 am

Apex wrote:Let's see what I can do here...

Your pacing is incredibly strange. A number of sentences that could be combined into single paragraphs are scattered about.


Though this was her first delivery with her new job, finding addresses was nothing new to Lynn. After flunking out of college at the age of 20, she had spent three years working at a local pizza place. Unfortunately, Several years of money management issues forced them to let her go.

After a year of her applications being rejected by the likes of McDonalds and Walmart, Lynn was backed into a corner. With bills to pay and savings running dry, she was forced to look somewhere with even lower standards… the hip new “alternative food” app PorchRunner; The Food of the Future™.


For example.

I also have some serious problems with this bit:

Putting her thoughts about the world aside, Lynn glanced to her right. Over the 4-story buildings and trees that populated this part of her city stood a steel, wireframe monolith, towering above the apartments and roads.

A 5M tower.


It took me an unfortunately long time to realize you were referencing 5G towers. You clearly put a lot of thought into the flowery physical description of them but didn't actually tell us what we were looking at. "But of course I did," you might say. "I told you it was a 5M tower." Here's the thing... Even as someone from the USA, my first thought when I saw 5M was "5 meters." I quickly figured that couldn't be correct but my next thought was that 5M was the name you gave the magic tech company (so it's like, "The MWatch, from 5M") and I then assumed it was an office building for the 5M company. At some point, I went back and reread it, and only then did I realize "wireframe monolith" meant "cellular tower." Taking brand names and moving their names a step to the side works because there's oftentimes still a ton of letters to recognize. We don't get that with a single number followed by a single letter.

You also seem to enjoy including details I don't find entirely necessary throughout the story. Sometimes it seems to be for the sake of worldbuilding and other times I'm not entirely sure what the purpose is.

She looked back down at her watch. Its magic power was reading 99%. Its magic power was always reading 99%.


I assume this is for worldbuilding purposes as a way to show how superior their batteries are to real-life ones. The thing is, I don't see the point to this. Perhaps if it didn't have it's own dedicated paragraph it would make more sense to me. As it is, I'm just confused.

Lynn looked closer at her magic watch. Inside its slick and modern exterior was a complex maze of circuitry that no one- not even the engineers responsible for it's creation- fully understood.


And an example of something that I have no idea why it's here. Of course a pseudo-Apple watch is full of complex circuitry. But not even the people that made it understand? That's incredibly bizarre. You really have to stop and think and make sure the information has a purpose when you put it in.

Then, this advertisement. I hate it. Why "1.25X?" When I read this, it's, "One point twenty-five times," or, "One point two five times." That's a huge mouthful and imagining someone saying it in an ad makes me cringe. Why not just say twice? Or double? I know that's a lot more than 1.25X but at least is sounds nice. Or, if it has to be 1.25X, then say something like "25 percent larger." Rolls off the tongue so much better, in my opinion. I also hate the, "or will it?" at the end. Feels very infomercial-y. Like, the slap-chop kind. "Even with all our kitchen technology, onions will remain as the chef's natural enemy... Or will they? Introducing, the slap-chop!"

That's what it feels like to me. It's even worse because you have Lynn cut it off now only to continue it later. What's the use of breaking it up in terms of storytelling? I think you would have been better served with leaving the whole ad to play as Lynn is walking up the steps to the apartment. Draw it out a little bit. Have her reacting to the ad as it plays. Maybe start with, "Ugh, of course, I can't skip this one," and then show how she gets more nervous as the ad plays and reminds her--while telling the audience--exactly what she's about to have done to her. That tension could be huge. Gripping. Instead, we just have her standing in front of a door while listening to a very strange advertisement. Not sure if you realized it but they essentially call their product stupid. If you're trying to sell something, you probably shouldn't call the way it works stupid in any context.

Oh, woof, I should have read the tags.

But, on the bright side, your writing really improves once Lynn starts getting eaten. The only problems I have are from a story standpoint but I don't think they're really relevant. I'm assuming this is the kind of content you want to write since you're writing it, so me wondering why this setting allows such things is pretty pointless.

My only suggestion at this point is that words like "fecal matter" and "excrement" aren't sexy, at least not to me. It can pay to be less clinical, even crass if you want to elicit arousal and the like. Assuming that's your goal, of course.

And after finishing, I can definitely say the only problems I have are story-based. Even the short, jumpy sentence paragraphs that I mentioned disliking earlier kind of work for the high-intensity situations surrounding the travel through Madison's bowels and the resulting swim in her toilet. Though I guess there could be a bit more substance here and there. I'm looking at these lines in particular:

Finally, Lynn’s head broke above the surface. She spent a second coughing and spitting out the toilet water in her mouth, and opened her eyes to reassess her situation.

As soon as she rubbed the dirty water off her face, a torrent of warm urine came crashing down directly atop her head. Again left to the mercy of the currents, Lynn was carried back down into the depths.

Coughing and sputtering, Lynn’s head finally re-emerged above surface.


I feel like there could be more to them. Lynn's panic as she tries to keep her head above water. The sensations she feels swimming in a stranger's urine, in this case mostly the physical. How it feels to have it in her nose and against her skin and the like. For the first paragraph in particular, you mention her assessing her situation but then there's nothing there. Not even a, "she looked left, then right, then got hit in the head by a stream of piss." Just a bit weird.

And that's all I really got. I doubt this is as helpful as you'd like but it's what I have.


thanks an absolute ton for this! this is exactly what i was looking for
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