FIRST AV story

[Ajax]

This is my first story. Its a mainly GTS but it has AV in it which the way I put it may be sexy. Im a first timer, so if the comments going to be bad tell me why and give me something to improve on. TY and here it is.

Jake sat across from the girl he loved since 8th grade. It’s been 4 years; their senior year and he never had the guts to say anything to her about how he felt. Jill was his age of 18; she had medium brown hair and blue eyes that Jake would say always sparkled. He knew today would have to be today or else never. They both played in band and Jake played trombone, and Jill played flute since their elementary years. Since band was the last period he went over to talk to her.
Jake wasn’t a big talker especially with her. “Hey Jill, what’s going on?” he asked her
In reply she said “Great yourself Jake?” and he nodded in return.
From there on their conversation grew when they realized that they had a lot in common. He then had the guts to actually ask her now, “Jill I was wondering if you would like to go out with me one night to the movies?” he asked scratching his head and was answered in a big hug and then she soon kissed him. He couldn’t do it back from the paralyze state he was in seeing how far it went already.
“Ok Jake if you can answer this question I’ll make sure that you sleep with me!” Jill said in excitement.
Jakes eyes opened up and shouted “Shoot!”
“Ok if you can guess what type of panties I’m wearing I’ll sleep with you.” She asked him.
Jakes hopes went down a little bit but then he thought of an answer. A smart ass one hoping she’d buy it and said “Is it the panties that are supposed to go inside my mouth?”
Jill’s mouth opened with the surprise and laugh sensation and she said, “Well that wasn’t it but that answer was even better!” and Jake just thought about what was going to happen. Movie then sex, he thought and he thought he had it good, that’s all he needed to do was ask. But little did he know what was going to happen afterwards.


After a fun night of fun with her and some pleasuring sex they fell asleep from exhaustment. Jake woke up now with his clothes on but no shoes with a smile on his face. He was still tired and when he turned his head to his side he had seen Jill but not how he wanted to. She was huge! He looked at him self and screamed at how big he was, and he woke Jill up and when she seen him she smiled and screamed “Yes it worked!”
Jake right now puzzled at what was going on was wondering what she meant by it worked and why he was only an inch high.
“What the fuck is going on?!? Am I dreaming?!?” She only responded by sitting on him and he screamed in pain. His head was just below her pussy when she started talking.
“Ok look you little bastard. Remember that drink I gave you? That special one? Well it had a chemical in it that shrunk you to an inch and it seems that I needed a slave and you were the perfect dumb-ass for the job!” she stated gleefully. “Now you will become my little servant and slave and do what-ever I want you to or else.”
“Or what?!?” Jake stated and Jill got up and stepped on him but not enough to kill him.
“I will step on you, eat you, or sit on you. So just shut-up and listen. My real boy friend is coming and since I heard you had an ass-fetish from My-Space( Jake always regretted putting that on his MS) well I have a certain job for you and she picked him up and showed him her ass.
She then pulled her panties down and shoved him in. A muffled noise came out of Jake when he went in. “I hope you like it, that’s where you’ll be until my BF gets here!” with that she went off to her normal routine knowing Jake was in there and would squeeze him until he went farther up her ass and pushed and repeated.
Jake really was confused but pissed and turned on at the same time. He was in the girl’s ass he liked a lot but what happens when her boy friend comes over? He pondered that thought until he came out and Jill picked him up in front of another girl he never seen.
“Oh he’s so small and cute!” she said she sat down and looked at him and stripped him.
“Be careful Rebecca I don’t want him to get hurt and besides you got your own” Jill said taking off her clothes. Rebecca had blonde hair and another pair of green eyes. Jake now had the new idea of ‘her own’. Had there been more people? The answer been answered when Rebecca brought out another man. It was a kid he knew named Andre though they never talked.
“Ok,” Jill started “It seems we want to have a little fun with you guys” she said as she picked up Andre.
He was scared but he hid it good. Rebecca then bent down revealing her asshole and shoved him in and out multiple times. Rebecca then held her stomach and went to get a bowl and Andre was still in her ass. She bent over and took a shit. Andre came out first and screamed as a mound of shit came piling on him. He was silenced when it fell on him like a ton of bricks. He found his way out Rebecca pushed him down and said “You better start eating big boy, that’s all you’re going to get!”
Andre didn’t do anything until Rebecca lifted a fist above him and he started eating. Now Jill and Rebecca were looking at Jake with a smile a grabbed him and put him in Jill’s mouth. With him in it Jill managed to say “You need good lube and spit is perfect---and I was thinking about eating your arms off but I like it when my prey struggles.
With that she rode her Jake on top of her teeth and pushed down slowly and started moving her teeth back and forth playing with him and he winced in pain. Jill spat him out and neared him toward his ass and stuck his head in her ass. She stood up and started sucking him up her ass, and Jake started to struggle. Jill motioned at Rebecca and she nodded her head. She then started sticking her fingers in one at a time up Jill’s ass and started fisting her and she also searched for Jake. She found him and grabbed him and shoved her arm as far as she could up Jill’s ass and pulled her and back down and up again with Jake in her hand.
After a few turns of fisting she shoved her arm all the way up and let Jake go. His struggling stopped and the next he knew he blacked out.

TO BE CONTINUED…

[MaxTwenty]

Hmm... we-e-ell...


First off, I'm going to say good on you for writing. Hopefully you keep it up, though this one in particular needs a bit of work.

First off, the style seems a bit too busy. By the end, I could hardly follow what was going on, what with everyone's position changing every sentence. There was very little description - and let me elaborate on this point - and while there usually doesn't need to be a lot of description, but there does need to be some. A more massive situation, as well, requires more description. For instance, the part where Jake just discovers he's shrunken is written as though he's watching himself from a third-person's perspective. A full-size third person, mind you. Trust me, Jill wouldn't be the only thing that looked bigger.

Another point of description is that - while it does slow down the action - it can be used helpfully in that very sense. Cars have brakes for a reason; to slow down before the driver (reader) veers off the road.

The dialogue seemed just a tad bit forced, as well. Two points of advice I can give you here; Envision the characters, try and think what they would say first, and then try and imagine what the response of the others would be. Sometimes it can boil down to pure logic, as well. This part in particular:

Jake wasn’t a big talker especially with her. “Hey Jill, what’s going on?” he asked her
In reply she said “Great yourself Jake?” and he nodded in return.

Now, it could be culture, it could be what's new with the kids these days, but I've never heard anyone use or respond to "what's going on?" as though it were "how are you?". I could maybe see "'S'goin' on?" or something slangy like that.

As for grammar and such... well, you need to look over your stories in a little more depth. I found parts where dialogue kinda melted into narration with no barrier, and overall it just felt kinda jerky, like hitting the gas, then the brake, then gas, brake, gas... etc. I'd suggest you make more use of commas instead of periods; might improve the flow a bit.


Hopefully that helps.

[Ajax]

Ok Thats what I wanted to see, not some bs answer thanks for the tips!