jaggedjagd wrote:So your real fetish is being guilt tripped? Wrong community, buddy.
Oh no, not at all. It feels awful to be ashamed, especially the shame is justified. I had just found it odd that no one wanted to address or admonish that part of the original post. It'd be like if you were in an AA type of setting, and you told everyone there the worst thing you ever did, and all you got in return was a mix of apathy and justifications. I just have to assume that my wording before had made the crime too vague which led to people not fully grasping what had happened. I can't imagine why anyone would excuse it otherwise.
jaggedjagd wrote:In terms of creep factor, I'd rank it one step above writing sexual fiction about real people but still one step below swallowing life mice and shit like that.
I can see how you arrived to that conclusion. I wouldn't do either of those things mentioned. When people write erotica about celebrities and whatnot eating others or getting eaten themselves, I can only imagine how it'd feel for the person being written about to read that sort of thing. In that situation, I'd feel really disturbed and fear for my safety if I was the focus of a story like that, I'd wonder why I was chosen to be unwillingly attached to a fantasy based in death. As for the swallowing live animals, I always found that shit to be real dumb. There's so much that could go wrong for the person involved and the needless cruelty is unwarranted.
jaggedjagd wrote:I don't find it as awful as you would like to hear, getting thrills from being a spectator to a tragedy makes you a voyeur at worst. As long you only watch and don't actively encourage real people getting eaten by snakes, you're a scumbag but just an average kind scumbag, not an irredeemable scumbag. Considering gawking at people get accidentally or voluntarily injured is an acceptable form of entertainment, from Jackass to stuff like "Watchmojo's Top 10 people getting eaten by snakes". Making the step from laughing at it to jerking off to it is only mildly worse as far as I'm concerned.
Well I'm going to respectively disagree with this part. I think what I did was abhorrent and far above and beyond any other bad thing I've done in my life thus far. The one thing I will agree with here is me being not irredeemable. I'm actively trying to redeem myself in my personal life by being nicer to the people I know and volunteering to help others whenever the occasion arises. I guess I should've been doing that stuff anyway but better late than never. Actually helping people in tangible ways has been the thing that so far has alleviated the most guilt.
jaggedjagd wrote:What is worrying is you sounding more and more like your mental health is at actual risk here, and what you really need is guidance. Maybe even of the professional kind if you're willing/able to.
I have cultivated a good support network of friends, family, and people online who have gone through similar struggles to help guide me. Of course, each group is working with a different set of information. No one in my real life knows about my vorarephilia and none of the people I'm speaking to online know anything about me other than my vorarephilia. There was a therapist I'd sometimes would see in my teenage years who is still available for contact. I have the option for professional help if need be but I think I'm on a good path going forward. My reasoning for providing an update yesterday was in case anyone was concerned.
jaggedjagd wrote:If your fantasy fetish seeping is into reality to an uncomfortable point, yes then you definitely need to shut that mental door and reevaluate your life.
I think this is where my original post left much to be interpreted and desired. I mentioned something about how I was in my twenties now and how this fetish had been consuming my time. For the twenties part, I had quite literally meant that I turned 20 relatively recently, under two months ago. In consuming my time, what I was meaning was the time I'd spent masturbating growing up. I've spent an exorbitant amount of time on this fetish compared to, say, actual porn of two actors having sex. Rather embarrassingly, during
my first time having sex, I had to think about vore in order to get my initial erection going.
If you were imagining that I was cutting ties with people I knew and refusing to do things in order to spend more time masturbating to vore, then I am happy to say you're simply mistaken. Again, I blame any and all confusion to how the original post was worded. I haven't masturbated at all since I made the original post on the 30th, so I guess I've been unwittingly taking part in No-Nut November this whole time. I'm doing better than I let on, being in a bad mood tends to blanket everything in dour apocalypticism. It was no accident that I prefaced everything by apologizing for the histrionic nature of what was about to be read, I knew some things would come off wrong.
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Jayezox wrote:You should feel guilty about it. Something on that level of degeneracy is poisonous for your mind and disrespectful regardless of whether anyone knows about it or not. It reminds me of Eka's members who mention shamelessly fantasize about the neighborhood dog or kid for their own sick pleasure. It's disrespectful toward that real living person or creature and losing respect for them leads toward self centered thinking and not caring for others. I'm not trying to police thoughts when I mention this; I'm trying to be a reality check.
Don't worry nor refrain from being harsh. I had slipped up and crossed a line that should never be crossed. Policing thoughts wouldn't even be possible for the act in question because it was almost completely thoughtless at the time. It didn't register as being wrong until much later.
Jayezox wrote:There's a reason I like to keep vore as much of a fantasy as possible and keep real life out of it. I need to keep my conscious in check and I'm sad to see that not everyone can do that. It's even worse when some oppose this line of thinking. Having no morals is just bad for everyone involved.
100% agree. I think that what I did can serve as a warning for anyone that takes death lightly or fetishizes it. If you jerk off to actual death, the guilt will rip you inside out for months and months to come. You'll be hollowed out, you'll become a living effigy of a human, only masquerading under the facade of normalcy until you personally dive deep within your psyche and rectify your action. It's better to not have done anything wrong at all then to spend the extra time having to make peace with something terrible and hating yourself all the way.