PLEASE DELETE!
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This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.
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This section is for any artist, writer, animator, or any form of creation to share their work in order to receive comment to improve themselves better.
Read the rules in detail here
Read the Critiquing suggestion here
Please open only one thread per person. Detail here.
14 posts
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PLEASE DELETE!
Please Delete!
Last edited by OppaiAngel on Sun Mar 01, 2020 11:27 am, edited 1 time in total.
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
It seems like a solid enough beginning. I should mention as a disclaimer that I am no aficionado of same-size vore, so I won't comment on the content aspect, and I don't have time for a line edit, so my remarks are only general ones:
EDIT: Corrected error in bullet point #3. I have been given fifty lashes. As you were.
- You may want to reconsider the use of present tense. It is always an artistic decision when storytelling, but it can grate on the internal ear. There's a reason why even science fiction set in the future is written in past tense; it "sounds" more natural. Don't use present tense for the sake of using present tense.
- Make sure your spellchecker is on. A few typos got by you.
- Watch for plural-possessive confusion. "It's" is never possessive (mentally replacing "it's" with "it is" will bring out erroneous use immediately), whereas "wifes" is isn't really a word since the plural form is "wives" and the possessive form is "wife's".
- Consider spelling out numbers twelve or smaller: "ten" instead of "10".
- In cases where dialog ends in a period followed by a speaking action, the period becomes a comma, and the word that follows the quotation is not capitalized unless it is a proper noun. Examples: "Wake up," she said.
"What is it?" Ben asked.
EDIT: Corrected error in bullet point #3. I have been given fifty lashes. As you were.
Last edited by IvesBentonEaton on Wed Sep 12, 2018 5:45 pm, edited 1 time in total.
Come and hear the Tales of a Visceral Voyager…
If you don’t, Zōēā’s poor snake will go hungry.
You wouldn’t want that, would you?
If you don’t, Zōēā’s poor snake will go hungry.
You wouldn’t want that, would you?
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IvesBentonEaton - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 458
- Joined: Thu Nov 09, 2017 9:26 pm
- Location: The world of Āen. My world—and welcome to it…
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.
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Nikkidafox - Participator
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2014 4:23 pm
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.
I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
OppaiAngel wrote:somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.
I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....
Then perhaps I'll make it my own.
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Nikkidafox - Participator
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2014 4:23 pm
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
somedude601 wrote:OppaiAngel wrote:somedude601 wrote:Well Ives covered the grammatical issues. As for the rest, I would say that you honestly just didn't go into very much detail. This is especially important in porn/fetish stories, as details can really "assist" your reader's imagination. I will do a rewrite then post it here. Please tell me what you think.
I don't need you re-writing my story thanks....
Then perhaps I'll make it my own.
So you're going to plagiarize my work??
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
I mean I was offering to help you by showing you how you could improve and you declined,
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Nikkidafox - Participator
- Posts: 246
- Joined: Fri Mar 28, 2014 4:23 pm
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
I found that little story delightful and I do hope you make more. I would love to read more about this fascinating world you've hinted at, as well as the naughty characters that live there.
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Tyslan03 - Participator
- Posts: 270
- Joined: Sun Feb 11, 2007 12:00 am
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
Tyslan03 wrote:I found that little story delightful and I do hope you make more. I would love to read more about this fascinating world you've hinted at, as well as the naughty characters that live there.
Thank you!
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
I think its a good start! We have a mountain of vore stories to choose from on this site, and you respect your reader's time by introducing your characters and their setting from the start. When it comes to the description of the characters, my personal preference isn't to focus on their exact age in years or exact bust size. If you were to describe a character as having an hourglass figure and a chair later creaks under her weight, the reader can fill in those gaps themselves. You clearly aren't interested in describing the husband, but if you wanted to mention that he was a landscaper, or describe him as having the body of an office worker, ect, its an easy way to let your reader decide his looks on their own.
I'm looking forward to more, especially because I love worlds where vore is normal. I hope you keep going!
I'm looking forward to more, especially because I love worlds where vore is normal. I hope you keep going!
- lalalalas
- Been posting for a bit
- Posts: 53
- Joined: Sun Nov 26, 2006 12:00 am
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
What will this story contain? The title suggests some sort of scat. If so, I would take some time to carefully consider what dialogue, if any, would happen in a disposal scene. Perhaps a final taunt about how this was all the preys fault? Or maybe no taunting. She's a professional after all.
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Cobbly - Somewhat familiar
- Posts: 92
- Joined: Wed Jun 01, 2016 2:28 pm
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
Cobbly wrote:What will this story contain? The title suggests some sort of scat. If so, I would take some time to carefully consider what dialogue, if any, would happen in a disposal scene. Perhaps a final taunt about how this was all the preys fault? Or maybe no taunting. She's a professional after all.
The title has NOTHING to do with scat. Scat is disgusting. Just my opinion.
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
I like it! I think you show loads of promise! I'd be delighted to see more of this playful couple again, i don't suppose we can expect any more stories?
- shortprey20
- Somewhat familiar
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Re: Delinquent Disposal Department - Story WIP
shortprey20 wrote:I like it! I think you show loads of promise! I'd be delighted to see more of this playful couple again, i don't suppose we can expect any more stories?
I've written a bit more of this but unfortunately it was pulled from my gallery when they "cleaned up"
OppaiAngel#0304 on Discord.
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OppaiAngel - Intermediate Vorarephile
- Posts: 637
- Joined: Fri Aug 17, 2012 10:09 am
- Location: USA
14 posts
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