Sense of self disgust.
Posted by GtsMayCry 8 years ago
I don't like to write much. Let alone 'blog' about my feelings. But something with my particular list of sexual interest. Hell just the things I am into at all tend to leave me feeling a bit of self disgust at some points in my life. Particularly vore...the..arousal of being eaten in some way..or eating someone..has been a interest of mine for many many years.
I have run into all kinds of people about it. From the oh cool i like that too. To the ew what the fuck is wrong with you disgusting cannibal. Even ew why would you like that kind of vore its so weird and disgusting. Been on all sides of the arguments. I like vore, pretty much most kinds...couple exceptions that are to weird for even my interest. Through that I have encountered points where I felt like...I had lost some..morality through that sexual interest. As if I put less value on human life through it. Which me filled me with a sense of self disgust. Like i was this terrible person. Eventually I taught myself that all there scenarios..were not real. Simply a fantasy made for enjoyment. I should not hate myself for it. I have no intentions of walking down the street. Killing and eating the next person I see. So why worry.
So that thought was shoved into the back of my head and did not arise again until recently. Telling a story of my oc Shyvanne. A goddess who was stripped of her powers and in a plot for revenge. Created demons in her world with the help of seven humans. Only to be poisoned by one of the seven and severely weakened. To the point she would transfer her soul from human to human. Her body weakening each one. Slowly killing them before there time before she moved to the next in search of a cure. To save herself she was willing to sacrifice hundreds if she needed. Until she became to weak to forcibly take the bodies and made deals with them. She had some regret for the lives she took. But very little. Now she is cured from the poison that penetrated her very soul. With some help from someone else.
A decent story I suppose. But i never quite realized...what a horrid monster Shyvanne really was...taking tons of lives to save her own. So once it occurred to me..I looked towards other characters of mine. Just in in favor of seeing if it was a repeating thing. I thought no it was not as I looked at my main oc May. But then as I stopped..thought harder on it. I realize May keeps a jar of tinies in her home. People she has gathered from around the city and shrunk. Placed in the jar to wait until she is hungry or wants a play thing. Sure they come back with the help of a Pixie named Nel. But May was human once and now I noticed the lack of feeling any real remorse for her actions. Even my oc Yuzu, helplessly in love with May but unable to say anything. She is willing to kill people just to keep her to herself. Even May's best friend. No remorse.
Now that I notice this. My self disgust has returned. I feel again like a bad human being. But not for making these characters the way they are. But truly enjoying each and every one of them just the way they are. I don't want to change them because of it. I still enjoy them. It makes me feel rotten to my core. Just like I realize my characters are to a point. No matter how they act on the outside.
Posted by Sightseerdraws 8 years ago Report
I think that's a very natural thing for a lot of writers. In order to really create a character, we have to sympathize with them, get inside their head and be them. It's actually a pretty common phenomenon with professional writers who have to write really and truly evil characters. They do the things they do because you make the story, you are in control of their actions.
The secret to it is being able to remove them from your reality. To identify those characters as something other than yourself. Yes, you made them, but are you NOT them. And if you still feel disgusted with yourself, try creating something else for a change. A light hearted character who does things because they feel it is right, and you feel it is right as well.
So you aren't alone, not by a long shot. Just keep your head up, and try not to take those feelings too seriously.
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Posted by GtsMayCry 8 years ago Report
I truly find it hilarious...that on a site where vore is quite a big thing and people have told me your a terrible human being for liking such things. That some of the kindest words come from here. I have yet to meet a person is just a completely terrible person besides the sites where they are 'good people' that would never have an interest in that.
Thank you for your kind words. It means alot.
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Posted by Sightseerdraws 8 years ago Report
In a world of prejudice, hate, and misunderstanding, I'm just doing what I can. Everyone on this website is like family to me. A really weird, sometimes creepy, extended family. But a family nonetheless. We have to watch out for each other, you know?
Anyways, I recommend finding a more understanding crowd to be around if that's been your experience. =P
But, if you need anything you know where to look. Alright?
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Posted by rugli 8 years ago Report
Hi.
Why do you feel like that? are your feelings rational?
but vore in its nature is fantasy fetish only so, I don't thing you should be to worried about being into it. There is not like its against the laws.
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