"Good-bye Forever" by Gentle_Grounds

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"Good-bye Forever"

Posted by Gentle_Grounds 14 years ago

Perhaps it's my time to leave here. Today, in class I sat back in my desk-chair and pondered about my life. Time stopped for awhile, and the voices from my peers, and instructor distorted. You can call this an acid-trip, but I'm no drug abuser, and will not be one for anytime soon. However, I had several images appear in my mind of all the horrific, stressful events that have taken place during my eighteen years of living on this strange, cruel, but somewhat wonderful plane of existence. Before, these eighteen years of stress, loneliness, fears, and traumatic scenarios that have shaped my present being, I experienced seven years of naive, because my father was around -- in fact, he was the only person I fully trusted, and share many of his talents, and character. He was a genius, and way ahead of his era - Bachelors in Chemistry, Mathematics, Nursing, and Computer Science. He was a writer, a man of free-thought, open-minded, tall, and from what my mother, and others who knew him told/tell me, many women were after him. Long story short, he passed away when I was young, and after that, that's when my life became an infernal.

However, despite all the things that have happened that I may have posted throughout the forums, and blog, everything was my fault. I must admit, that I came into the realization and strong confession that every horrific tragedy, every social isolation from church, family, society, school, etc was because I did something wrong in the past. I've been in a straight jacket, isolated from society at a young age, along with the feeling of cold, ice-like handcuffs around my wrists. I've felt older boys' bodies come into contact with mine at an earlier age of my existence. My depression, my violent thoughts, my sometimes exaggerated worlds that I sometimes imagine to escape this one is a result of my own fault.

At this present time I am not depressed. In fact, I am battling depression, and I am winning. I will win against it in the future. My depression is not chemical, but something deeper -- it's mental, but it's from a devastating psychological, emotional, and dare I say, spiritual cause. My mother being isolated, and moving to various places to keep me out of trouble as a youth was because of my own decisions, our tension a result of my own self. However, I can not change the past. I can only build upon my future, or whatever is left of it.

Come to think about it, I could have done things far different. I could have assimilated, and given up my identity to fit in. Not adapting fast enough to my surroundings caused me grief. Being too intelligent caused the world around me to view me as weird, arrogant, annoying, and a danger. Remember, I'm not feeling grief, but I'm neither happy. I could not enjoy the American childhood that a number of people experience that makes them "normal" citizens of the future. It's funny how one thing can change someone's entire life, but I do not blame my father's death on my grief, but my poor choices.
It seems that the more I tried to "fit in" the more hostile the world became towards me. Then again, the more I chose to be a lone ranger, being my own person resulted in backlash. My philosophical choice to being Agnostic Atheist further isolated me from others who otherwise believe in God(s).

What has resulted at my current age of twenty-five years is pure isolation, and socially dysfunctional, despite my writing, reading, and speaking skills. Had it not been for the economy, I'd walk out the door, take a train, or boat and start over anywhere. I've even thought of the ludicrous idea of walking into a dimensional door, not caring where it leads to, just away from this world (not suicidal). This world bores me. It's the same drama over and over -- a rat race, racist, bigoted, idiot-filled, arrogant swine, but beautiful, mysterious, exciting world.

So, I'm leaving this site...for good. I don't know when I will depart, but it will be soon. I probably won't come back neither. I'm dropping my myspace, youtube, facebook, sodahead, and any-other website accounts as well. I may even kill the yahoo account. I need to rip-out the real me. Start over from scratch. It's been fun here, because to be honest, you're all the only people in my life who have accepted me for who I am. You were never racist, hateful, bigoted, or laughed at any of my problems. Aryion.com was my shelter when even my own bedroom where the window shuts off any sunlight does not hide the world's drama away.

Have you ever lived so many years where the deaths of others, the death of your dreams, and all the problems that would horribly traumatize many to become dysfunctional told to the world, and others either mock you, call you a, 'sissy', or ignore you? Perhaps. Perhaps that's why I've gotten along with many of you here -- otherwise my true self would creep, or disgust, or anger you.

I've noticed that apart of growing up is evolving, and by evolving, I mean confessing your problem, fighting it, and conquering over it. Not much phases me anymore. Fears are solved nowadays by me using logic, and rational thought. Arrogance is squashed by remembering that I'm human -- a creature that's no more equal than any other living creature. Depression, and the thought of "giving up" is moved back by the remembrance that I'm a black male, and by being one, I come from a people that usually has to live alone. Did you know that a latest survey showed that 51% of black males between the ages of 10 to 27 can not name at least one best friend they can rely on? The race card doesn't exist to me, because there are no races -- plain and simple, but society believes, and acts upon it, unfortunately judging you on the outside. I may laugh in the threads about white people, black people, etc. running away from me in public, because I'm a large (not fat), and tall black male, but in reality it's slightly painful, and agitating.

Somehow, this may come off as eerie, but it needs to be said. For starters, I disdain rape, murder, and molestation; however, I can not help but to feel a chill run down my spine, because I can relate with pedophiles, rapists, killers for a single reason. In that I can relate to the shuns, discrimination, fears, etc, despite I've never did any, nor will do such actions.

I can not allow defeat, because I've came very far. There are some accomplishments. I was left back twice, I dropped out of high-school, I was mostly suspended, detentions, and had murderous thoughts of shooting many people, if not bombing them. Now, I'm almost out of college, and even though I have little money, I have a plan for a career. I've lost over 100 pounds, and now am in the process of sizzling my body into a war-machine. I've gained a more powerful conscious than before -- commons sense, logic, reason, compassion, but a reinforced, strong mind that's not phased by many "fearful" events, words, people etc.

So, this is farewell. Perhaps, if there is some-sort of afterlife we'll meet again. If not, so long.

Edit:

In the meanwhile, I can't stop listening to this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AyEVTULnCXY

Comments

Posted by codyage 14 years ago Report

I am a bit sorry you will be leaving us Gentle_Grounds, you have and always will be remembered by me at least as a wonderful person. But if you are leaving this site on your own free will in order to improve your life, then I all I can do is say goodbye, I hope your life in the future for you will be a better one then it has been in your past and I wish you the best of luck in making all of your dreams come true. You will be sincerely missed and perhaps we will be able to meet one day if not here on Earth then in the afterlife. So I shall bid you a farewell Gentle_Grounds but not as a site member, but as a friend.