Tourist Trade: A Nethack Tale
By Misterebony
(Well, here we go again, another Nethack tale, based on an actual game I played. I was challenged IRL to use the weakest class in the game: The Tourist. Well, here's what happened.)
Zeebo chuckled as he entered the caverns, dressed in a hawaiian shirt and carrying his fancy new camera loaded with film. Everyone told him this cavern was a den of evil and he would die a slow, painful death, but he was not convinced. Besides, he loved to see new places.
**************
"Aw, come on!" The author said, looking at the inventory of his crappy tourist character, Zeebo. "No melee weapon, no real defenses, 10HP... this guy will be dead in no time." He sighed some and began to play his game, wishing he had not taken this dare. His mission: Journey at least three levels and then return with whatever he could find.
Here we go...
**************
Zeebo smiled as he and his trusty poodle, Frufru, wandered through the underground dungeon. He looked over the intresting wand he had found, and smiled wide as he picked up a bag with $72 zorkbond of coins inside. He took out his camera and took a picture of a nearby grave. As he wandered through the catacombs, he accidently pushed open a hidden door.
On the other side, waiting hungrily, was a grid bug.
**************
"Crap!" the author said, cursing his bad luck. As weak as his character was, a grid bug would fry him in no time. He went to back up, but his way was blocked, and the grd bug was too close to use the darts. In desperation, the author used the wand...
**************
As Zeebo waved ther wand, a puff of smoke came out. He tilted his head curiously as it formed something RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
It was a newt. FruFru, his dog, lept to attack it, leaving the tourist to deal with the grid big. Not sensing the danger, he snapped a picture with his camera. "Smile!" He said. The flash went off right in the grid bugs 23 eyes, and it howled in pain, permemntly blinded by the light. It tried to attack, only just scraping the skin. Meanwhile, FruFru smiled, licking her hops as she ate the newt up.
**************
"... wha." The author said, not believing his luck. He was unhurt, the grid bug was blinded, and the newt he had accidently summoned was eaten by the pet dog. He moved forward to fnish the grid bug, doing so without a scratch. Inside the room that followed was a fountain and a statue. stopping to drink from the fountain, he moved on. After an uneventful trip in a long hallway, he came to a locked door. Just for the heck of it, he had the tourist kick it...
**************
"Beware evil door, I know chi tung fi!" Zeebo said, kicking the door. To his suprise, it fell over, crashing into peices. "Cool." Zeebo said, taking a small ring made of ivory from the room beyond, moving to the north. He stopped to eat at one of his pies. As he ate, a newt came over to take a bite of HIM, but Zeebo tossed the metal tin to the side, not even seeing him. He had no idea his pie pan had just cut the newts neck with its sharp edge. Seeing the steps downward, he began to descend.
**************
"Ok, this is getting embarassing." The author said. "I am rocking as a tourist."
**************
On the next floor, Zeebo saw a goblin come from behind a wall. Thinking fast, he took one of his throwing darts and threw it at the club weilding beast. It peirced his left eye, causing him to drop his club and fall down, deader than a coffin nail.
"Bull's eye." Zeebo said, taking a bread ration from the goblin body. He eeped as he realized he had lef FruFru above, and went to get him. He reached the steps as FruFru came to him, having just eaten a kobold. he two wandered on, finding a sack of $73, Zeebo finding this adventuring thing to be quite entertaining.
Moving on, he saw two more giant lizards, but they were easily killed with a couple of swift kicks, FruFru eating their bodies happily, barking satisfactorially.
"Good dog." The tourist said, patting his head as he found ANOTHER sack of gold, moving to the next level...
*************
By now, the author was groaning and grumbling. He had doubled his characters money, found some incredible items, and had killed 8 enemies so far. This was getting a little out of hand.
*************
Zeebo smiled as he ame down the stairs, spotting a giant lizard and throwing a pair of darts at it. They each hit in the eyes, kiloing the creature. FruFru ate the corpe happily, acquiring quite the taste for lizard now.
Zeebo moved on, finding a few more gold peices by a skeleton, and chuckling as he counted up his gold. "Now this is adventuring." He said happily, turning about. "But I better head back on outta here, or I'll miss my boat." With a sigh, he turned around for the steps on up.
*************
The author screamed in a mix of rage and puzzlement. He was trying to lose now, and his tourist character was kicking ASS!
*************
Zeebo eeped as he started back, suprised as a gecko took a bite of his arm, beginning to talk to him about car insurance. But FruFru had noine of it, chomping on the gecko's head and biting it clean off.
"Gecko: it does a doggie good." Zeebo said with a chuckle, walking on, taking a snapshot of a gas spore. for fun, he threw a dart at it, and was thrown back as it blew up.
"Wahoo!" He said. "That was awesome!!!"
With a chuckle, he found the stairs back on up, not knowing how skilled he had gotten with those darts...
*************
"LEVEL 2?!" The author said. "You mean this whole time I had not leveled up even once, and was kicking enemy butt?!"
He sat back and sighed. He had used knights, samurai, rogues, and so on, and NEVER did this good before!
*************
Zeebo wandered up, getting some more gold as he went, his pup killing off more of the goblins as they walked. He opened the door to another grid bug, who eeped and ran for it as Zeebo took his picture, blinding both it and the jackal standing with it. FruFru charged the two creatures, dining on them easily, letting out a contented BURP.
"Excuse you!" Zeebo said. "Must be full." He smiled, throwing a dart behind him, certain he did not need them anymore, unaware he had killed yet another jackal.
**************
"Ok, when I am killing things I am ot even seeing now... Ok, that's it, I quit." The author said, by now anguished. He NEVER did this well, and here he was, with the worst class, winning the bet he had made.
It was a bittersweet victory.
**************
Just as the tourist turned to exit, a dagger covered in elven runes was thrown at him. Just missing, Zeebo saw the thrower was a hobbit, driven insane. Zeebo smiled at the picture oppurtunity and snapped his camera.
The hobbit was blinded, and ran backwards into FruFru, who just opened wide, slowly swallowing the big hobbit whole. He let out a contented belch, round and fat no, waddling on his paws.
"I feed you too well." Zeebo said, patting his pet as he headed for the stairs. But before he got there, a fox pounced on him, knocking his camera free. It licked its lips as it licked the tourist playfully.
"Oh crap." He said, the tourist soon wiped out as the fox began to devour him, headfirst, whole and alive. FruFru watched as his master was eaten, but did not really care. The food here was great!
****************
The author sat back and sighed. He had lost, liek he kenw he would, but his score was still high enough to put his character in first place. He had won the bet.
"Well, I'll be damned." He said, chuckling some. He turned off his game, and went on to face the day ahead, and get his prize.
****************
FruFru always did remember Zeebo, since he wound up mating the fox that ate him, the two of them devouring adventurer after adventurer. Overtime, FruFru learned to appreciate the taste of humans, like his mate.
They would soon be very fat.
THE END
(WEll, my second Nethack adventure tale, and I cannot believe how well I did with a F****** tourist! they stink! Ah well.)
By Misterebony
(Well, here we go again, another Nethack tale, based on an actual game I played. I was challenged IRL to use the weakest class in the game: The Tourist. Well, here's what happened.)
Zeebo chuckled as he entered the caverns, dressed in a hawaiian shirt and carrying his fancy new camera loaded with film. Everyone told him this cavern was a den of evil and he would die a slow, painful death, but he was not convinced. Besides, he loved to see new places.
**************
"Aw, come on!" The author said, looking at the inventory of his crappy tourist character, Zeebo. "No melee weapon, no real defenses, 10HP... this guy will be dead in no time." He sighed some and began to play his game, wishing he had not taken this dare. His mission: Journey at least three levels and then return with whatever he could find.
Here we go...
**************
Zeebo smiled as he and his trusty poodle, Frufru, wandered through the underground dungeon. He looked over the intresting wand he had found, and smiled wide as he picked up a bag with $72 zorkbond of coins inside. He took out his camera and took a picture of a nearby grave. As he wandered through the catacombs, he accidently pushed open a hidden door.
On the other side, waiting hungrily, was a grid bug.
**************
"Crap!" the author said, cursing his bad luck. As weak as his character was, a grid bug would fry him in no time. He went to back up, but his way was blocked, and the grd bug was too close to use the darts. In desperation, the author used the wand...
**************
As Zeebo waved ther wand, a puff of smoke came out. He tilted his head curiously as it formed something RIGHT BEHIND HIM.
It was a newt. FruFru, his dog, lept to attack it, leaving the tourist to deal with the grid big. Not sensing the danger, he snapped a picture with his camera. "Smile!" He said. The flash went off right in the grid bugs 23 eyes, and it howled in pain, permemntly blinded by the light. It tried to attack, only just scraping the skin. Meanwhile, FruFru smiled, licking her hops as she ate the newt up.
**************
"... wha." The author said, not believing his luck. He was unhurt, the grid bug was blinded, and the newt he had accidently summoned was eaten by the pet dog. He moved forward to fnish the grid bug, doing so without a scratch. Inside the room that followed was a fountain and a statue. stopping to drink from the fountain, he moved on. After an uneventful trip in a long hallway, he came to a locked door. Just for the heck of it, he had the tourist kick it...
**************
"Beware evil door, I know chi tung fi!" Zeebo said, kicking the door. To his suprise, it fell over, crashing into peices. "Cool." Zeebo said, taking a small ring made of ivory from the room beyond, moving to the north. He stopped to eat at one of his pies. As he ate, a newt came over to take a bite of HIM, but Zeebo tossed the metal tin to the side, not even seeing him. He had no idea his pie pan had just cut the newts neck with its sharp edge. Seeing the steps downward, he began to descend.
**************
"Ok, this is getting embarassing." The author said. "I am rocking as a tourist."
**************
On the next floor, Zeebo saw a goblin come from behind a wall. Thinking fast, he took one of his throwing darts and threw it at the club weilding beast. It peirced his left eye, causing him to drop his club and fall down, deader than a coffin nail.
"Bull's eye." Zeebo said, taking a bread ration from the goblin body. He eeped as he realized he had lef FruFru above, and went to get him. He reached the steps as FruFru came to him, having just eaten a kobold. he two wandered on, finding a sack of $73, Zeebo finding this adventuring thing to be quite entertaining.
Moving on, he saw two more giant lizards, but they were easily killed with a couple of swift kicks, FruFru eating their bodies happily, barking satisfactorially.
"Good dog." The tourist said, patting his head as he found ANOTHER sack of gold, moving to the next level...
*************
By now, the author was groaning and grumbling. He had doubled his characters money, found some incredible items, and had killed 8 enemies so far. This was getting a little out of hand.
*************
Zeebo smiled as he ame down the stairs, spotting a giant lizard and throwing a pair of darts at it. They each hit in the eyes, kiloing the creature. FruFru ate the corpe happily, acquiring quite the taste for lizard now.
Zeebo moved on, finding a few more gold peices by a skeleton, and chuckling as he counted up his gold. "Now this is adventuring." He said happily, turning about. "But I better head back on outta here, or I'll miss my boat." With a sigh, he turned around for the steps on up.
*************
The author screamed in a mix of rage and puzzlement. He was trying to lose now, and his tourist character was kicking ASS!
*************
Zeebo eeped as he started back, suprised as a gecko took a bite of his arm, beginning to talk to him about car insurance. But FruFru had noine of it, chomping on the gecko's head and biting it clean off.
"Gecko: it does a doggie good." Zeebo said with a chuckle, walking on, taking a snapshot of a gas spore. for fun, he threw a dart at it, and was thrown back as it blew up.
"Wahoo!" He said. "That was awesome!!!"
With a chuckle, he found the stairs back on up, not knowing how skilled he had gotten with those darts...
*************
"LEVEL 2?!" The author said. "You mean this whole time I had not leveled up even once, and was kicking enemy butt?!"
He sat back and sighed. He had used knights, samurai, rogues, and so on, and NEVER did this good before!
*************
Zeebo wandered up, getting some more gold as he went, his pup killing off more of the goblins as they walked. He opened the door to another grid bug, who eeped and ran for it as Zeebo took his picture, blinding both it and the jackal standing with it. FruFru charged the two creatures, dining on them easily, letting out a contented BURP.
"Excuse you!" Zeebo said. "Must be full." He smiled, throwing a dart behind him, certain he did not need them anymore, unaware he had killed yet another jackal.
**************
"Ok, when I am killing things I am ot even seeing now... Ok, that's it, I quit." The author said, by now anguished. He NEVER did this well, and here he was, with the worst class, winning the bet he had made.
It was a bittersweet victory.
**************
Just as the tourist turned to exit, a dagger covered in elven runes was thrown at him. Just missing, Zeebo saw the thrower was a hobbit, driven insane. Zeebo smiled at the picture oppurtunity and snapped his camera.
The hobbit was blinded, and ran backwards into FruFru, who just opened wide, slowly swallowing the big hobbit whole. He let out a contented belch, round and fat no, waddling on his paws.
"I feed you too well." Zeebo said, patting his pet as he headed for the stairs. But before he got there, a fox pounced on him, knocking his camera free. It licked its lips as it licked the tourist playfully.
"Oh crap." He said, the tourist soon wiped out as the fox began to devour him, headfirst, whole and alive. FruFru watched as his master was eaten, but did not really care. The food here was great!
****************
The author sat back and sighed. He had lost, liek he kenw he would, but his score was still high enough to put his character in first place. He had won the bet.
"Well, I'll be damned." He said, chuckling some. He turned off his game, and went on to face the day ahead, and get his prize.
****************
FruFru always did remember Zeebo, since he wound up mating the fox that ate him, the two of them devouring adventurer after adventurer. Overtime, FruFru learned to appreciate the taste of humans, like his mate.
They would soon be very fat.
THE END
(WEll, my second Nethack adventure tale, and I cannot believe how well I did with a F****** tourist! they stink! Ah well.)
Tourist Trade: A Nethack tale
By MisterEbony -- Report
Oh god, Why did I allow myself to do this? I was challenged to do a tale starring a tourist character, the worst class in the game and... well, here is the result. Enjoy everyone.
Please login to post a comment.
Posted by Eidolon 17 years ago Report
Butbutbut they can twoweapon! Andandand Platinum Yendorian Express Card! And...
... well, okay, in a lot of ways they suck. :3
More seriously, this was neat to read. x3 Sounds like you had a good time at it at least!
Posted by Teruyo 17 years ago Report
These NetHack stories of yours are quite possibly my favorite works from you. Granted, I've never played NetHack (maybe I'll download it after I beat Cave Story), but the playful back-and-forth style of narration is really fun to read.
Posted by MisterEbony 17 years ago Report
Well, Would you consider doing a NetHack tale as well? I would love to see others doing them. As for the first comment, you have a class you want me to platy as on Nethack? Let me know!