Heartbreak
By Gentle_Grounds -- Report
A scorned mother avenges her daughter. This story is short and to the point. I experimented with dialog. Decided to do something different than my other stories, and focus on the situation more than the environment. I leave the character's physique to the audience.
Alright, I rewrote some parts, take or add some dialog. Fixed some errors.
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Posted by French_snack 16 years ago Report
I rather like situation pieces. And this one works well. The idea may be a classic one, but the dialogue flows as it should, no doubt precisely because it's very much to the point, and credible in context. Good work.
Posted by Gentle_Grounds 16 years ago Report
Thanks. Believe it or not, I found this one difficult, because I went straight for the point. I may try something later tonight, (I say,'may', because I have a Spanish quiz to study for tomorrow) and try narrowing this kind of story, of course it will be a different story with different characters.
I wanted to continue this story with the husband coming home to rub her man filled stomach, but I thought about leaving that part out. One thing I'm trying to do is to leave a lot up for the imagination of the audience.
Posted by Tai223236 16 years ago Report
Lol, I'd like a prequel of the husband dealing with those women he was talking about. X )
Posted by Gentle_Grounds 16 years ago Report
Glad to see you liked it.
Posted by jacquelope 16 years ago Report
So you've got a whole family of eaters here, eh? You put in some pretty realistic elements there with the bones cracking and all that. That would have been a good explanation for why he didn't struggle so hard as to knock her over repeatedly.
There's one part that needs to be fixed:
“It gets worst in there - wait to the acids kick in.â€
Posted by Gentle_Grounds 16 years ago Report
Thanks, man. Do you mean, I should replace the 'dash' with a period, and let the second part be a new sentence?
Posted by jacquelope 16 years ago Report
The sentence should read, “It gets worse in there - wait 'till the acids kick in.â€
Posted by Gentle_Grounds 16 years ago Report
Uh-huh. I didn't catch that. I shouldn't have been writing this during class. The best thing about writing this during class, was that there were a lot of beautiful women sitting around me. Some had bulges on their stomachs.
Posted by Fidel2323 16 years ago Report
Good story, short and good to read^^
but i would had write the telephone-call a little bit more um... colorfull...
Im sorry, if you dont know what i mean, but my english is a littel bit limited ^^"
Posted by Gentle_Grounds 16 years ago Report
Thanks. Do you mean more colorful as in being playful?
Posted by Fidel2323 16 years ago Report
I dont know >.<
I mean, how do you describe a talking is for my taste a little bit erm... short. maybe you should write how they say it, what they think(when they are talking).
But thats only the way i would have written it, its completly up to you what you are writing :P
Again, Im sorry for my bad english, i wish i could say it more clearly... :(
Posted by Fidel2323 16 years ago Report
BTW,the idea in the story is cool XD
Mom eats the ex from her daughter, brilliant XD