I'm working on an indepth critique but right away, one thing I must say is that you should very much look out for...
"X", armed with an axe like that, runs a very high risk of an unfriendly encounter with Subeta... the Collector Fairy. She's a Canopy Fairy, indeed one of the most dangerous types.
The basic idea (with its smashing of the fourth wall) is surprising, but interesting. And your writing is good, of course.
A few points regarding Felarya, though. The vore you described was same-size. Nekos are human-sized, and if she ate a naga who was her own size and who had eaten two humans... Well, she and that naga did something that no-one else from their two species can do. Some nagas can swallow big prey, but not as big as they are, and nekos simply can't swallow anything bigger than a tiny. I've never seen teleporting dryads, either.
A weapon capable of slicing up a dryad or a dridder with ease may also raise a few eyebrows. It's a general rule in the 'Felaryan community' that, although giant predators may be killed, it should not be achieved easily. It's a bit of a touchy subject, because a number of writers make their entry in Felarya in this exact way - an avenger who labels all predators as evil and slaughters them with ease. Although in general those who start off that way lack your writing skill.
Since you've introduced Annae Maria but she hasn't encountered X, I take it there'll be a continuation? The contrast between their perspectives is an interesting one. So far, we've heard mainly X's view, and he's content to dismiss Felaryans as "monsters". So I'll be curious to see what happens if and when he meets Annae Maria, and we see more of her perspective as a predator. (Having said that, though, Felaryan nekos aren't capable of eating humans, so that would need amending.)
Rats. You are correct, my friend, it is impossible for either species to eat same size prey (much less a same size meal that had previously engorged two OTHER same size meals). I'll leave it as it is for now simply because I can think of no way to rewrite the section as eloquently, but I WILL bear that closely in mind in all future stories. As for the axe... I can explain. Eventually, through my other Tales. For now though- he needed it? Not in this case, I mean, but he WAS part of a group of twenty four people that basicly kept their entire world in order. That includes Vampires, Wraiths, Trolls, Zombies, Fairies, Humans, and all manner of powerful magical or cursed or demonic creatures. To be quite frank, twenty four people couldn't run a CITY. It takes more than four hundred simply in the United States Congress, excluding the other two branches and all the sublevels of power. To run ONE country. I had to come up with some rather unique weapons to even make their survival possible, much less provide them with the power and diplomatic skills it would take for the Masques to be able to do what they do. I quite likely stepped out too far. I'm willing to accept that. But please keep that in mind. You are right, however, in that it should have been more of a stuggle, that I desperately need to learn more about Felarya, and that I used a common topic. I will fix all of those things eventually, and I thank you for your courteous and beautiful citique. The Dryad CAN'T teleport?? A plauge on that DevArt story that that mislead me. What was it called?... Ah, well. You are also correct about Annae Maria, who will reappear in another tale very, very soon. I apologize for "X" and his rather harsh view, but he IS a monster killer, and he is definitely pro-human in the debate of "Food or Person". Annae, however, is a pred that actually enjoys being a predator. She can't eat full sized humans (now, anyways ^_^), but she may just find a way to feast. Next time I may tell it almost entirely from a predator's perspective, having established a firm anti-predator one. I may also do some from the willing prey perspective, since with "L" I already did unwilling prey- and he killed his predator. But I get off topic so easily! What I meant to do was thank you for caring enough to write THAT in depth to correct me. Thanks!
You're welcome. Regarding dryads: Some can move, but most are rooted to the spot; I've never heard of any that could teleport. That just sounds odd.
No need to apologise for X's point of view; he's quite entitled to it, and it's understandable too, in his situation. It'll be interesting to see more of Annae's perspective as a predator. Although she can't eat humans, she can eat tinies - including tomthumbs, who are essentially miniature humans (http://www.felarya.com/wiki/index.php?title=Tinies).
Posted by Jacquelope 14 years ago Report
I'm working on an indepth critique but right away, one thing I must say is that you should very much look out for...
"X", armed with an axe like that, runs a very high risk of an unfriendly encounter with Subeta... the Collector Fairy. She's a Canopy Fairy, indeed one of the most dangerous types.
http://felarya.com/wiki/index.php?title=Subeta
About canopy fairies:
http://felarya.com/wiki/index.php?title=Fairies#Canopy_Fairies
Posted by French_snack 14 years ago Report
The basic idea (with its smashing of the fourth wall) is surprising, but interesting. And your writing is good, of course.
A few points regarding Felarya, though. The vore you described was same-size. Nekos are human-sized, and if she ate a naga who was her own size and who had eaten two humans... Well, she and that naga did something that no-one else from their two species can do. Some nagas can swallow big prey, but not as big as they are, and nekos simply can't swallow anything bigger than a tiny. I've never seen teleporting dryads, either.
A weapon capable of slicing up a dryad or a dridder with ease may also raise a few eyebrows. It's a general rule in the 'Felaryan community' that, although giant predators may be killed, it should not be achieved easily. It's a bit of a touchy subject, because a number of writers make their entry in Felarya in this exact way - an avenger who labels all predators as evil and slaughters them with ease. Although in general those who start off that way lack your writing skill.
It's not a bad story. I like the way you handle the narrative style, for instance. But if you want to write about Felarya, I would advise checking a few basics. You can look through the wiki (http://www.felarya.com/wiki/index.php?title=Main_Page), and/or ask questions on the forum (http://felarya.forumotion.com/index.htm).
Since you've introduced Annae Maria but she hasn't encountered X, I take it there'll be a continuation? The contrast between their perspectives is an interesting one. So far, we've heard mainly X's view, and he's content to dismiss Felaryans as "monsters". So I'll be curious to see what happens if and when he meets Annae Maria, and we see more of her perspective as a predator. (Having said that, though, Felaryan nekos aren't capable of eating humans, so that would need amending.)
Posted by LordVengeance 14 years ago Report
Rats. You are correct, my friend, it is impossible for either species to eat same size prey (much less a same size meal that had previously engorged two OTHER same size meals). I'll leave it as it is for now simply because I can think of no way to rewrite the section as eloquently, but I WILL bear that closely in mind in all future stories. As for the axe... I can explain. Eventually, through my other Tales. For now though- he needed it? Not in this case, I mean, but he WAS part of a group of twenty four people that basicly kept their entire world in order. That includes Vampires, Wraiths, Trolls, Zombies, Fairies, Humans, and all manner of powerful magical or cursed or demonic creatures. To be quite frank, twenty four people couldn't run a CITY. It takes more than four hundred simply in the United States Congress, excluding the other two branches and all the sublevels of power. To run ONE country. I had to come up with some rather unique weapons to even make their survival possible, much less provide them with the power and diplomatic skills it would take for the Masques to be able to do what they do. I quite likely stepped out too far. I'm willing to accept that. But please keep that in mind. You are right, however, in that it should have been more of a stuggle, that I desperately need to learn more about Felarya, and that I used a common topic. I will fix all of those things eventually, and I thank you for your courteous and beautiful citique. The Dryad CAN'T teleport?? A plauge on that DevArt story that that mislead me. What was it called?... Ah, well. You are also correct about Annae Maria, who will reappear in another tale very, very soon. I apologize for "X" and his rather harsh view, but he IS a monster killer, and he is definitely pro-human in the debate of "Food or Person". Annae, however, is a pred that actually enjoys being a predator. She can't eat full sized humans (now, anyways ^_^), but she may just find a way to feast. Next time I may tell it almost entirely from a predator's perspective, having established a firm anti-predator one. I may also do some from the willing prey perspective, since with "L" I already did unwilling prey- and he killed his predator. But I get off topic so easily! What I meant to do was thank you for caring enough to write THAT in depth to correct me. Thanks!
Posted by French_snack 14 years ago Report
You're welcome. Regarding dryads: Some can move, but most are rooted to the spot; I've never heard of any that could teleport. That just sounds odd.
No need to apologise for X's point of view; he's quite entitled to it, and it's understandable too, in his situation. It'll be interesting to see more of Annae's perspective as a predator. Although she can't eat humans, she can eat tinies - including tomthumbs, who are essentially miniature humans (http://www.felarya.com/wiki/index.php?title=Tinies).