Fffffffffffffff...f/m sex and vore. The vore is kind of light, actually, even though my original intention was to make it fanservicey. Actually, my original intention was 5k words, too, and it's 7800, so... so much for intentions.
An escaped slave steals a map with directions to a Jinn harem. The results are unpredictably predictable (or do I have that backwards).
Oh - props where they are due! This idea was provoked by Gorgath's videos over on GiantessCity (http://www.giantesscity.com/forum/memberlist.php?mode=viewprofile&u=31540). NB, his videos were not vorish.
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Posted by prisoner 14 years ago Report
It's good to disobey intentions. Sometimes the story doesn't want to go where you had wanted it to and that's ok. It usually reads awkwardly when you force it.
I read the first several paragraphs, maybe eight or so. It's cool how the narrative bounces around in his head. Individual segments seem to stagnate, which is interesting because, despite this tendency, the plot is going somewhere. The writing itself sounds informal in a good way. I'm routinely frustrated when story narratives are 'too proper'--written in a way the character would never 'think it' or 'say it.'
I stopped due to time constraints and expectations. The first is the result of me being a busy guy. The second is totally not your fault. I'm sure the rest of the story is as good as the part I read, which is why I will inevitably be disappointed in the end by what I assume is human sex and sparse vore. I don't like humans or human vore. >.<
I only wanted to make one suggestion, which you can feel free to ignore. Repetitive sentence structure nags at me as a reader. It might sound petty, but it pulls me out of the story. What I mean is, "sentence comma and sentence period sentence comma and sentence period sentence comma and sentence period". Part of my own proof-reading is always to go back and remove apparent patterns and repetition in how my sentences are put together. Well, when I write stories I do this. For comments I don't really care. XD
Dunno how insightful I was at this low energy level. I just wanted to write something because I consider you a good writer, and I think you deserve more comments on your written works than what I've seen you get. Sadly it's not just you. There are plenty of writers whose work goes underappreciated.
Posted by 4ofSwords 14 years ago Report
Thanks! That repetitive sentence structure is recently recurring problem of mine, especially if I'm trying to give the story some kind of an ancient flavor (since recurring sentence structures were common in a lot of older languages, especially when a mnemonic device was needed to remember longer poetry). It doesn't work very well for the modern reader, however. I put it in this month's EPWG, and will definitely keep an eye on that issue in particular when I revise it at the end of the month. I appreciate the suggestion, and thank you!
I have to agree that most writers go underappreciated here, including some really fantastic writers who blow me away. It's kind of the nature of writing on the internet, though, and as long as we all continue to enjoy writing, comments like these will more than suffice!
> I don't like humans or human vore. >.<
I've got to remember to tag that! I still subconsciously consider it a default, I guess.
Posted by prisoner 14 years ago Report
(Independent clause, not sentence. Lol I was more tired than I had imagined.)
That is interesting, and it sounds plausible. And like I said, it's more of a minor preference issue than anything else. If you feel inclined to revamp the submission that's fine. I think it's a testament to your skill that you would consciously do something like this.
Who blows you away?
You don't have to. >.< But for me, it would be the equivalent of watching a great movie that has a terrible ending. Given the choice I prefer not to tempt the fates.
Posted by 4ofSwords 14 years ago Report
> Who blows you away?
AndrewLondon, Bitter, and Sansuki are the easy, obvious answers for me, but I've read some surprisingly good stories in the EPWG in the past.
Posted by ryanshowseason3 14 years ago Report
Surprised there wasn't more comments on this. emailed it to my phone a while ago to read at my leisure.
It stuck out so much after I read it I had to find it here to see what others said about it. The vore isn't of too much interest in this one, but the premise and the disjoint jarring nature of it all really hits a home run.
I'm really not equipped to really definitively define why it was good, but it was REALLY GOOD. Perhaps it was just different and a welcome departure from the normal fetish story that just goes through the motions.
The best way I could state it I think is like this. Some stories are good, some are great and you'd love to see a sequel or continuation for more of the same. But some are beyond great some are so good that nothing else needs to be said. A sequel would only do dis service to the original's profound statement. The only thing that could be improved I think is the vore scene. Something was lacking there. And there was still a mystery there what would happen the 11th time... But that is something that probably should remain a mystery.
Posted by 4ofSwords 14 years ago Report
Wow - thanks a lot for the compliments! I've heard that about the vore scene from a few sources, so I think I'll try to massage that a bit when I do the rewrite to post it on my site.