This is another one of my experiments. I would have preffered to have a woman critique this but I'm going to post this and learn from any criticism I can recieve. I plan ong doing some editing based on what I recieve. It's mainly the wardrobe issue for me, physical dimensions, and whether or not the mood works. I wrote a folow up story that I'm sitting on as well.
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Posted by ecufan360 14 years ago Report
awesome story personally wish you spent more time on digestion but still great
Posted by printz 14 years ago Report
I didn't throw out an absolutely complete story. I was looking for criticism and I think this is a great observation. I do appreciate it and I will rectify that. I don't know if it's obvious or not but I tried to play with an underlying theme about love being more than DNA or any physical resemblance. I just had to find a way out for Tillie "Silky" Struggs. I wrote a sequel that I have to polish a bit. Lately, I've found that I have to dump a hundred pages and try to keep something that works. I wanted this to be a good story so I decided I'd practically beg people to share their disslikes. I appreciate your thoughts.
Posted by bela 14 years ago Report
Epic attempt to prolong orgasm.
Sexy sentence: "Christine, do all love affairs between preds and humans have to end this way?"
Comic relief: "Charlotte’s father was always supportive of his daughter’s decisions."
Posted by printz 14 years ago Report
Dad is kind of clueless isn't he? The Swenson's love the girls equally but they didn't think into what might happen if their two adult lesbian daughters lived together at home most of the time and one just happens to feel like she's living with dinner. It isn't going to end well. Silky is such a giving young woman too. Dad even built a toilet for Charlotte! How many fathers of preds would go out of their way to accommodate a girls bowel habits like that? He's a guy who can't say no. They don't even protest much when Charlotte brings her food home to eat so Silky can watch. No wonder it's inevitable that Silky will be eaten. She's jealous of all the other people Charlotte eats. Mom just seems to feel powerless.
As for the answer to the first question. Christine is just a bit too optimistic. I think you and I kind of know that but we can't tell them anything. All a guy needs to do is piss off his wife or girlfriend once.They wouldn't listen to us anyway. You helped me to understand how absurd this really is. Thank you.
Posted by Sora 14 years ago Report
That was an incredible story.
Posted by bela 14 years ago Report
All the characters are developed and alive now even though the words end. After you put your pen down Jeanette Swenson decided that marriage entitles her to eat her husband. He is not willing but she won't follow the established etiquette.
Posted by printz 14 years ago Report
I kind of agree that Jeanette's husband deserves to be digested but I never pictured her as having the capacity to even be a pred. Christine, who happens to be based on a real life Christine that loves the fantasy of being a pred, Will have to tell me what she would do. She has always been my queen mother pred.
You know, I kind of think it could be possible that creatures like our imaginary characters do live out real lives somewhere in an alternate universe. I wonder what they would really do without me pulling imaginary strings. I probably would have be fertilizing a field somewhere. What I would like is for someone to give me better ideas for my pred/prey quasi-wedding dresses. Everything I've done in this story is subject to change.I've already fixed a few typos and re-loaded it but I could change a few bigger things.
I found that I liked Silky so much that I want to her to return - she won't ever be the same. It all has to do with Clarke's Third Law. The thing that makes me sad is that I won't ever again be able to use the line the girls used to express their love for each other. "We're best of friends, sisters, lovers and brides." I have to leave it to someone else to do a variation on that idea. If Silky weren't adopted, it would be incest.