EDIT: I've rewritten this chapter, so if you are interested in reading the "Naga Adventures!" project, I suggest you to read the new version of this chapter: http://aryion.com/g4/view/307057
This is the first chapter in Serpis and Shinku's story.
Here is how the Naga and the girl met.
The story from now on will be told from the perspective of either Serpis or Shinku. Sometimes from both of them.
-----------------------
Rewritten, new version of this chapter:
http://aryion.com/g4/view/307057
Next Chapter:
http://aryion.com/g4/view/272415
This is the first time I try writing a serious story, let alone a Vore one. So I will listen gladly to any feedback and critique I recieve, whether from readers or from other writers.
Written by me.
Proofread by CGR-7
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Posted by Miyu5 14 years ago Report
cool your first story i might read it
Posted by Sergit 14 years ago Report
That would be great ^_^
Posted by mephistoVII 14 years ago Report
really cool, can't wait to see the chapter 2
Posted by Sergit 14 years ago Report
It will come eventually. I'm glad you liked my story. :)
Posted by CGR-7 14 years ago Report
Oh that was fantastic Sergit. Reading this, it felt like I was in our RP adventure again. =D
That really touched me when Serpis mentioned she hadn’t any friends. =(
And then I remembered back when Serpis and I reconciled our differences and we connected in a magical, spiritual way on our trek back to the inn. That warmed my heart.
You did a fine job with the grammar, a few little errors but nothing that hurt the comprehension of the story.
Your use of onomatopoeias, the emotional stammering speech – very nice. =)
Question: would this be considered an alternate history of sorts to our RP?
I noticed Shinku’s friends from this story showed up in our RP at the time.
Posted by Sergit 14 years ago Report
Thanks, it was the same setting that our RP, so it's nostalgic for me too. ^_^
At the time I uploaded the drawing, I had begun to write this story already, so our RP was like a "What if..." In which Red and Jacin saved Shinku and her friends from Serpis. So this is what would have happened if you hadn't showed up. The names of her friends were still undecided when we RPed, so I had to come up with these names, and I reused them for the story.
After the RP was over, I kind of forgot about the story. Yesterday, I just found it in my computer and completed it.
PD: If you tell me what are my mistakes I will gladly correct them. English is not my first language, so small typos still happen when I write a long text.
Good to hear you like it, CGR-7. I look forward to write the next part and post it here someday.
Posted by CGR-7 14 years ago Report
Sounds great Sergit. Sorry this took a day or so to respond, I’ve been busy around here.
How about this, if it’s okay with you, I can copy the story to a word document and go through and fix the little grammatical and spelling errors and then send it back to you. I can also highlight the changes and then you can compare the two versions, you can see what the mistakes are and it can help with your English.
How does that sound? I can send the finished version to your personal account as an attachment.
Posted by Sergit 14 years ago Report
That would be great! I think that, if you hit the Download button you can get a copy of original file. I am not sure, though.
Posted by CGR-7 14 years ago Report
No problem Sergit, I got it all taken care of. =)
I'll give it a look this weekend.
Posted by CGR-7 14 years ago Report
Marvelous Sergit! =D
I just gave it another read over and it sounded perfect.
I’m gonna add it to my favorites right now.
Posted by Sergit 14 years ago Report
Thanks for your help! I look forward to sending you the next chapter. (once it's done XD)
Posted by tailsjordan 13 years ago Report
maybe a little longer but i like it :3
Posted by Lawrence Craft 13 years ago Report
Nice story, i have really enjoyed reading it.
Hope that you will continue this storyline. *_*
Posted by Sergit 13 years ago Report
Yes, I intend to continue it. Eventually...
Posted by Lawrence Craft 13 years ago Report
Aww, that's nice to read. ^_^