Posted by Graywolf18 6 years ago Report

It took two months but it was well worth the wait.

Actually a little surprised Auburn was showing remorse (however genuine) for her mistake. And I can already tell I'm going to like Evangeline the best. She's super cute.

Posted by Vmaster608 6 years ago Report

Thanks I'm glad you it and school suck. But after taking the first class I feel like I will be able to write more. So hopefully it want take as long to do the next chapter.

As for Auburn, she's really nice and carring it's only when she's drunk that stuff goes crazy. I'm kind of following the mythology about centaurs being drunks.

Posted by Apex 6 years ago Report

This is probably going to come off as a little mean, at least at points, but I'm going to say it anyway.

I read both this and part one just now. This is so much better than part one, let me tell you that. The sentences flow together much better, and the word choice and structure feel more serious, like you're actually writing in prose rather than just sharing an anecdote. It's quite an improvement for two months and I hope that trend continues.

That being said, I feel your dialogue needs work. It's generally either stiff or just flat out doesn't sound like how real people talk. It's very jarring.

I'd harp on the world a bit, but two chapters doesn't allow for a lot of world-building and I have no right to throw stones given some of my settings. Mostly I feel it's a mistake to introduce the concept of "meal girls" and not actually explain any details about them. I imagine they're humans. Are they willing? Chapter one mentions Serena and Eva getting "quite a haul" which implies they're at least somewhat hard to obtain. Does this mean they're unwilling and they have to hunt them down? Or was it just a poor turn of phrase and they're willing prey packaged up for monstergirls to eat? Can monstergirls only eat human women? If so, I sure hope cloning has been perfected because that's the only way an entire race of beings will be able to subsist upon humans!

Am I overthinking all of these issues? Yes. Yes I am.

So, yeah. Most of what I liked about this story was honestly in the subject matter, which I usually try to avoid poking at because it's not something that has rules by which it can be measured. But I suppose the fetishes involved are actually why people read these things, huh?

I like girls with dicks, and these dicks seem pretty big, so A+. Big tits on them dickgirls, another A+. A roommate situation? That's always a fun scenario, especially when it involves a couple women and a couple of those big tittied dickgirls. And I'll also admit I really, really enjoyed the uncertainty of Eva and Serena's escape from Auburn's throat and belly. There's something I find super erotic about the whole, "If I don't let you get digested I'll get pulled in and digested too, oh no I didn't let go fast enough and I might get digested!" That's really long-winded and poorly explained, but know I liked the tug of war between Serena and Auburn's throat.

I'll read more if you post it, mostly because I want to see some human getting slammed by horse/cyclops dick. Even if that's not in the cards, I'll still read.

And if they have testicles, they're not technically futanari. Futas have dicks, vaginas, and no testicles (and I suppose breasts), and I'll defend that definition to the death.

Hope you enjoyed this extra long, somewhat judgmental comment.

Posted by Vmaster608 6 years ago Report

Thank you for your long and impressive comment. I do plan on expanding the world and giving explanation to many of the questions that you have asked but those will be for future chapters. As for flow of writing I have taken a writing class so that explains part of it. I'll work on the dialogue I've been taking the writing class and they've been focusing on correct spelling and words use. So when I write dialogue I'm not using words that everyone would use to give more expression.

The first two chapters were supposed to be introductory chapters as to how the girls met each other. You will find that each has a different way of speaking and that it links them to their personalities.

Posted by Vmaster608 6 years ago Report

Ps.

I'm thankful for the comment but next time please leave a message if it's going to be something this long. And maybe you can help me with the dialogue.