Uploaded: 5 years ago
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Favorites: 24
Rewrite of my firt MLP Story Rainbow Manure.
The core remains the same, but i rewrite some prats cause I wanted to do that.
Is check by grammarly, so if there are still some mistakes in writing, sorry for that.
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Posted by Nebbie 5 years ago Report
The characterization is better on Twilight, but I think this is overall a step back from the original.
Too much time spent setting up, too much rushing the actual vore, too much characters just sort of knowing things, and all in desperate need of a proofreader who's fluent in English (not even native speaker, just...the fic reads like it came out Google Translate).
Posted by sheppard74 5 years ago Report
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your opinion.
And for the fact with the proofreader, well I know it, but sadly I hadn't anyone at hand. Maybe if I found someone, who would be willing to edit, it became better to read.
Still thanks for your opinion. I like to hear what other people think about my writing.
Posted by VoraciousSincerity 5 years ago Report
I'd say this is rather hit-and-miss, the exposition from Twilight is better, parts of the description of the vore are improved slightly, and I prefer the change to Applejack and Big Mac's last conversation.
Other than that though, there aren't any real improvements, still having the biggest problem (as stated by Nebbie above) of being heavily disjointed and structured terribly, words and phrases being used incorrectly, et cetera., as well as that the title at the top is still Rainbow Manure. An issue that is new, unfortunately, is that having Fluttershy no longer express her fetish to Big Mac and explain it makes it come off as bizarre with how much emphasis is put on it, to say nothing of the others getting into it, and though it being a reveal from Applejack could've worked, the way it's handled makes it fall flat. The final part with Spike and the CMC feels tacked on and doesn't really contribute anything, like say if he were to add the CMC to the manure.
I still intend to keep both favorited as they each have valid changes that have my attention, and I won't say that this is entirely a step backward, but it doesn't really address any of the core problems with the original.
Posted by sheppard74 5 years ago Report
Thanks for the comment. I appreciate your opinion. Well, I'm not a full-time writer/author. I write when I have the mood for so, so if it feels. So if it falls flat... it happens. Still thanks for your opinion.
Posted by VoraciousSincerity 5 years ago Report
I do love the idea you expanded on, and that you did Big Mac vore. You have something here, it's just the issues handicap it a bit too much...