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Dinner in the Woods By Ryan-Drakel

Uploaded: 2 months ago

Views: 2,721

File size: 100.80 KiB

MIME Type: application/rtf

Comments: 5

Favorites: 54

A story that was commissioned by  Dimon
It's in the oppai loli section because it contains ONE Oppai Loli in question.


A graduation party at a getaway turns rather frisky and erotic... as well as gurgly when they find a problem at the house.


WHEW! This took a while and it should've taken a lot less time to do!
Life decided to bite me in the ass and I had to fend it off. Car trouble delayed it as well...

But, it's here.
It's here....

and more may be on the way.

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Comments
Apex

Posted by Apex 2 months ago

So it's pretty good. It's about a bunch of girls eating each other, always a plus, and the writing is pretty decent.

One thing... There is a serious overuse of the word "cunny." It's my least favorite slang term for a vagina, admittedly, but it's used 19 times. The next highest is I believe, "slit," with 5. Pussy and snatch are both at around 3, I think. There's one instance in which cunny is used in 3 sentences in a row. That's not ideal with any word and in my opinion, does even fewer favors for a paragraph that's supposed to feel erotic.

Other than that, it's a decent story overall.

Ryan-Drakel

Posted by Ryan-Drakel 2 months ago

Ah right thank you for noticing. I'll be sure to add a higher variety of words next time. >.<;

Ryan-Drakel

Posted by Ryan-Drakel 2 months ago

For the record, what words would you rather see instead of the words I used?

Apex

Posted by Apex 2 months ago

Let's see... There's pussy, snatch, slit, flower, cooch, muff, box, love tunnel/canal, birth canal, for starters. Those are the ones I use most and can think of off the top of my head. I also use cunt occasionally, but usually only when I want to sound extra crass. Vulva and labia are good when you need to refer to the outside of a vagina. There might be a couple more but they escape me at the moment.

After a quick look I've noticed you've used some of these already, so unfortunately it doesn't seem I'm giving you much new info to work with.

Ryan-Drakel

Posted by Ryan-Drakel 2 months ago

I'll just be sure to watch what I say in the future, use a higher variation.
Thanks for the criticism.