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This is part 1 of 3 for my first story series, featuring Aoba from New Game devouring her first prey.
My plan is to practise by filling each one of my favourite waifu's from 10 to 1.
Absolutely huge thanks to
Raynebow for helping me all the way, I really appreciate the help.
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Posted by tumlive 2 years ago Report
this was a very VERY cute first fanfiction!!! and with a really uncommon pred as well (i love New Game so much and Aoba’s my fav..... so happy to see her get some Food...)!!! i really loved the swallowing sequence and Aoba’s increasing hunger and desperation in particular; you did such a great job of describing those.... there’s honestly not too much i could critique here because it was a really solid start!!! maybe if i were to be super picky, i could suggest trying more varied sound effects for tummy growls and burps, but that’s not really necessary... i just Love good onomatopoeia so i’m being a bit selfish heh .. but either way i honestly can’t wait to see what else you end up writing for Aoba and the rest of your favorite girls!!! good luck!!
Posted by Jxyzz654 2 years ago Report
Thanks for the feedback, I'm really happy you enjoyed it. You make a good point about using more onomatopoeia, I hadn't thought about it much but I can see the addition it gives to experiencing the writing. I'll make sure I improve for next time. Commments like give me a huge amount of motivation to work on the sequel I hope it give will be even better!
Posted by tumlive 2 years ago Report
ahh i'm so glad to hear it!! and no problem for all of that.. thank YOU for writing!! and again, good luck on the next one!! take your time with it and try to only work on it when you're enjoying doing so, but i'll be looking forward to it whenever it's out!!