Posted by EloquentOrc 1 year ago Report

More funny hijinks :)

Although I have to say, it could use a bit more proofreading.

Posted by doomed 1 year ago Report

How so ? part of the reason I left it like this is because it’s mostly Dani speaking to himself. So to an extent it’s not supposed to read like a proper story.

That said there is a limit to that . As anything that would make the story sound off or too long , or even genuine errors are something I need to fix . So amy advice is welcome

Posted by EloquentOrc 1 year ago Report

Makes sense. :) Reading it again, I feel I was being too nitpicky anyway.
There is one error that is unfortunate though, because it is one of the first sentences:

"Her name is a tall cowgirl named Mrs. Baker."

I would also maybe suggest trying to use a few more commas and replacing some of the periods with them, so it reads a little less "broken up".


"Speaking of the Melly. She is my trainer. Everyone calls her Melly the belly because she’s the secret bouncer. Also because her chubby belly is exposed no matter what outfit she wears. It has a tattoo of a box labeled time out. Whenever she bounces someone from the property. Their face appears on her olive-skinned belly. Next to them is a label of how long they have to stay as fat on her belly. I narrowly avoided being a prisoner for a day with the slime girl incident. If it had been anyone other than Tanny. I would’ve been belly fat for a week."

Especially the last two sentences, reads like one, that just have a period in the middle.

But like I said, it is mostly nitpicks.

Posted by doomed 1 year ago Report

Ah see I missed that . Thank you so much

Posted by EloquentOrc 1 year ago Report

No problem.

Posted by 2good2btru 1 year ago Report

Jessie sounds like the best homie, he's there if you need him, just be careful with the smoke.

Posted by doomed 1 year ago Report

Yeah , too bad Dani has little to no clue what Jessie looks like lol