You awaken, still in the nurses’ office. She sees that you’re awake and says, "Sorry about that, I forgot some people pass out from that stuff.”
You shake your groggy head and ask, “What stuff, what did you give me?”
She smiles again and says, “Well that’s a complex answer, and you'll get the full detail at orientation.”
You’re too groggy to argue with her, so you decide to look around. Over at the bed next to you and see the petite girl from before. “Is she ok?” you ask.
The nurse replies, “She'll be fine- perfectly normal, really. A small freshman like her- she bit off more than she could chew. Happens all the time.”
You’re still confused and ask, “You mean, that is normal?”
The nurse sits on your bed and takes your temperature before answering, “I told you that injection was complicated.” Then she lays a hand on your stomach.
That’s when you notice your once-flat stomach is all distended and round and you yell, “What did you do to me?”
The nurse smiles again- you're beginning to hate that smile- and she says, “Don’t worry it’s just a testing dummy, just silicon and plastic- like a breast implant! While you were 'taking your little nap' I went ahead and did your preliminary physical exam.”
You yell, "You inflated a giant breast implant in my belly?!”
The nurse responds, “Ohh, no dear,. It was already inflated when I shoved it into your womb.” You start to panic, so she begins stroking your back to calm you and explains the test. “Each year, soon after receiving the injection, all freshmen get tested. We do this by seeing how large of an implant we can shove up into their wombs. You did quite well, actually. You see, the average for a freshman is 1.2 gallons, and the old record was 3.7 gallons.”
That’s when you interrupt, “The old record? What do you mean, the old record?”
The nurse smiled again and said, “Well you're our new record holder at 4.9 gallons." Then she laughs the most horrifying laugh you've ever heard before continuing, "I was starting to worry after four and a half, 'cuz five gallons is the biggest we have.
"Freshman can have one retry within 24 hours of the first attempt," she said, changing subjects so suddenly you're left dizzy for a moment as your head spins, "so if you want I can take the 4.9 out. Then you can return tomorrow- and try for the full 5 gallons! Or, you can keep your record at 4.9 and come see me in 2 days and I'll remove it then, because for a record to stick you have to hold the implant for 48 hours. So what do you want to do?”
