Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. Originally I posted the story one part per week in my thread in Work to be Shared. That week in between was great for letting ideas swim around in my head until I could make them coherent. It was also a bit of tease for readers, because I tried to finish each part with something that begged for an immediate follow-up.
I'm glad to hear your thoughts. Vore is the main subject on this site, so I didn't know how well the mystery would go over here. But my worst fear was not to hear anything from anyone.
It's good to hear that you liked the ending, because I had such a great time writing it. For me it answered the question of what Carmen's mother was up to in the first chapter, because it reprised the mother-daughter scene from the mother's POV.
You got my curiosity going on the criticism. There are areas where I could have expanded on details, but felt that would bog down the story. The biggest of those is exactly how does anyone come back from apparent death. Call it magic. It's an intentional omission. Let readers use their imaginations.
Well coming back in general tends to throw logic out of the window so making up your own 'magic logic' or basically anything that seems to work is always good, and you explained it believably well X3
now for the criticism!
Repetativeness, though it's good to have a pattern in such a scenerio as the one you were writing about, there were parts where I could completely skip and know exactly what was happening. It was the vore scenes. They followed the same path all the time and nothing was spiced up. It was interesting the first two times but there was nothing special the next three. Though I can understand that when you got a ritual kinda thing going on, perhaps you could've spiced some stuff up, decide a different position to vore, or maybe focus on different things during the vore? At the end of the vore you could perhaps have some more interaction between healed and savior, discussing how their life was changed for the better instead of a little 'yeah my life sucked, thanks for healing'.
That's my only beef with the story, other then that I feel that it was very well written and thought out. It was enjoyable to see how the mother interacted with her daughter though I guess I kinda predicted very easily who was the ring leader of this ordeal. Maybe you could add some other outside characters here and there that would add to the 'suspicion' of being ringleaders. Not character suspicion, but reader suspicion. Of course, this is only if you want the reader to be very very surprised when it is the mother. I do understand that writing more characters and giving them personalities can be a hassle as it has bogged down many of my own stories ^_^' so I guess this piece was less of criticism like my first, and more of a suggestion.
You may as well know that early on I saw the repetitiveness as a problem. I originally intended this story to be nothing more than a happy-go-lucky vorefest of maybe 3000 words total. But six was too many. Two or three vore victims would have been better for that purpose. So the mystery idea struck me as a way to add another dimension to the story. The trouble was, that led to a story of nearly 13000 words, way more than I ever intended to write. There's always more you can add to a story, but I'm happy with drawing the line where I did. If I had expanded anything a little more, it might have been backstories for the other five dessert girls.
It's interesting that you brought up the idea of making the ring leader a grand surprise, because I originally thought of writing the opening chapter to be less revealing about the mother's involvement. But for reasons I didn't understand at the time, I wrote from the mother's perspective that "Everything was going according to plan." That speaks volumes, of course. It already answers the question of who, and leaves only what and why. I guess the greater mystery held more appeal to me.
Posted by BardicLasher 11 years ago Report
Great story all around! **thumbs up**
Posted by innertrack 11 years ago Report
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed it. Originally I posted the story one part per week in my thread in Work to be Shared. That week in between was great for letting ideas swim around in my head until I could make them coherent. It was also a bit of tease for readers, because I tried to finish each part with something that begged for an immediate follow-up.
Posted by Aickavon12 11 years ago Report
The mystery and ending was a very nice touch, you brought everything together (while keeping it sexy) in a good fashion.
I do have one piece of constructive criticism if you are okay with hearing that.
Posted by innertrack 11 years ago Report
I'm glad to hear your thoughts. Vore is the main subject on this site, so I didn't know how well the mystery would go over here. But my worst fear was not to hear anything from anyone.
It's good to hear that you liked the ending, because I had such a great time writing it. For me it answered the question of what Carmen's mother was up to in the first chapter, because it reprised the mother-daughter scene from the mother's POV.
You got my curiosity going on the criticism. There are areas where I could have expanded on details, but felt that would bog down the story. The biggest of those is exactly how does anyone come back from apparent death. Call it magic. It's an intentional omission. Let readers use their imaginations.
So go for it.
Posted by Aickavon12 11 years ago Report
Well coming back in general tends to throw logic out of the window so making up your own 'magic logic' or basically anything that seems to work is always good, and you explained it believably well X3
now for the criticism!
Repetativeness, though it's good to have a pattern in such a scenerio as the one you were writing about, there were parts where I could completely skip and know exactly what was happening. It was the vore scenes. They followed the same path all the time and nothing was spiced up. It was interesting the first two times but there was nothing special the next three. Though I can understand that when you got a ritual kinda thing going on, perhaps you could've spiced some stuff up, decide a different position to vore, or maybe focus on different things during the vore? At the end of the vore you could perhaps have some more interaction between healed and savior, discussing how their life was changed for the better instead of a little 'yeah my life sucked, thanks for healing'.
That's my only beef with the story, other then that I feel that it was very well written and thought out. It was enjoyable to see how the mother interacted with her daughter though I guess I kinda predicted very easily who was the ring leader of this ordeal. Maybe you could add some other outside characters here and there that would add to the 'suspicion' of being ringleaders. Not character suspicion, but reader suspicion. Of course, this is only if you want the reader to be very very surprised when it is the mother. I do understand that writing more characters and giving them personalities can be a hassle as it has bogged down many of my own stories ^_^' so I guess this piece was less of criticism like my first, and more of a suggestion.
Posted by innertrack 11 years ago Report
Thanks for the comments!
You may as well know that early on I saw the repetitiveness as a problem. I originally intended this story to be nothing more than a happy-go-lucky vorefest of maybe 3000 words total. But six was too many. Two or three vore victims would have been better for that purpose. So the mystery idea struck me as a way to add another dimension to the story. The trouble was, that led to a story of nearly 13000 words, way more than I ever intended to write. There's always more you can add to a story, but I'm happy with drawing the line where I did. If I had expanded anything a little more, it might have been backstories for the other five dessert girls.
It's interesting that you brought up the idea of making the ring leader a grand surprise, because I originally thought of writing the opening chapter to be less revealing about the mother's involvement. But for reasons I didn't understand at the time, I wrote from the mother's perspective that "Everything was going according to plan." That speaks volumes, of course. It already answers the question of who, and leaves only what and why. I guess the greater mystery held more appeal to me.
Posted by Aickavon12 11 years ago Report
Still a very very good read, I certainly enjoyed it myself ^-^