Right off the bat, it's kind of a mess to read. Nothing of the content, but there's no indentation or separation of paragraphs to break up the huge wall of text. Speaking of walls of text, the final two paragraphs are gigantic, and could probably each be broken in half.
That said, the story's perfectly okay. I agree that dialogue is useful, it helps to immerse the reader better in the events of what's happening. As it stands, it just sounds like, well, an account of what happened, there's not much depth to it.
BUT! It's not loaded with typos, and the formatting is an easy fix. Keep writing.
The other commenters seemed less excited than me but I really liked this story personally. I liked how you described things and even how you kept finding fun ways to describe chubby butts.
Ellie was awesome too, nothing like a short chubby glutton girl who can't be bothered wiping her cute ass.
Posted by Koseki 10 years ago Report
In my modest opinion these stories without dialogue lack something very important. But hey it is only my point of view
Posted by Teruyo 10 years ago Report
Right off the bat, it's kind of a mess to read. Nothing of the content, but there's no indentation or separation of paragraphs to break up the huge wall of text. Speaking of walls of text, the final two paragraphs are gigantic, and could probably each be broken in half.
That said, the story's perfectly okay. I agree that dialogue is useful, it helps to immerse the reader better in the events of what's happening. As it stands, it just sounds like, well, an account of what happened, there's not much depth to it.
BUT! It's not loaded with typos, and the formatting is an easy fix. Keep writing.
Posted by shlurpay64 10 years ago Report
The other commenters seemed less excited than me but I really liked this story personally. I liked how you described things and even how you kept finding fun ways to describe chubby butts.
Ellie was awesome too, nothing like a short chubby glutton girl who can't be bothered wiping her cute ass.