Posted by GeneralUrist 7 years ago Report

Ok, the Prof. who made those "D batteries" is getting probably court-marshaled after this, because Teego's sexbot side appears detrimental to the mission. :P Unless it somehow proves to be useful....

That battle scene was cool, a nice demonstration of everyone's power!
I wonder what they will do with the beehive once this is over...

One problem I've noticed though is that often the speaker or focus character changes mid-paragraph, which is confusing and trips me up as a reader.

For example: (BTW, is it possible to use bold or italics in the comments? That would make this easier.)
]
This paragraph starts describing Usaco's actions and speech. However, immediately after Usaco's quote it is the Queen Bee who's actions are described, and this in-paragraph focus change is jarring to me.

Also, in this paragraph:
]
I can excuse having multiple characters speaking in one paragraph to avoid having a bunch of one-line paragraphs, but as is it's kind of awkward to read. Phrases like "Sachiho answered" and "Usaco remarked" should probably come after the character's line, not before.
E.G. "Well isn't that cute?" Usaco remarked.

For longer lines, if you are worried about the speaker not being obvious you can put it part-way though between sentences. Something like this:
“I had to chew my way out of bug egg." Sachiho answered. "That makes the list of things I would rather not eat again. Otherwise I’m fine."
Flows a little more naturally doesn't it?

Also, you forgot the question mark in Mirea's question :P
(side note: Anyone else prefer the old romanizatoin of "Millia"?)

I'm sorry if this seems aggressive or ranty, but these kinds of stylistic errors do make the story trickier to read, and I thought it's kinda my duty as a fellow writer to point them out to you.

Posted by DrakentheBlack 7 years ago Report

Thanks, I'm hoping to have a couple more good fights in the next chapters.

I honestly don't know what becomes of the beehive. Even in the game, once you defeat the Queen Bee the other bees just disappear.

Character focus, past and present tense, these are things I tend to change throughout my paragraphs and I would like to fix those problems. I guess they just sound better in my head than when they're read by other eyes.

For dialogue, I do address who said what in what mannerism in the middle or at the end of a statement sometimes, but I personally prefer to put it at the start of a sentence so the readers know who is talking.

I would like to apologize myself. I admit I was rushed getting this chapter done and didn't have time to properly proof read it. Terrible excuse I know, but it does show that I should worry more about the quality rather than meeting deadlines - I'm sure somebody will start poking me if I take too long to post something.

A few years ago they had a precursor to this game with the valkyrie as the only playable character and the first level being all that was available, and it was called Milia Wars. Now in the full game I don't know if the Milia vs Mirea thing is a result of a name change, or if it's a Holo vs Horo situation.