[b][u]A Predator’s Guide to Contest Pokemon[/b][/u]
 
If you’ve picked up this guide, you’re probably a Pokemon that’s looking to get more out of their meals... or you’re a Guild Pokemon who has finally managed to track me down and arrest me, at which point I should state that this guide cannot be used against me. (Got you!)
 
Now that we’ve got the badge boys out of the way, I’d better start off by introducing myself. My name is Chance Lustlock, and I am a professional predator. What does that mean, you ask? It means that I don’t have a job, so I spend my time sneaking around and eating up tasty Pokemon like you and your friends.
 
Surprised, right? Shivering at the mere notion that you and your friends are just food for someone? You shouldn’t be so taken aback, it’s only natural. Unless you’re a Wailord or one of the legendaries (and even then you might get ate, looking at you Victini!), you fit somewhere in the food chain. You could be eaten by anyone, at anytime, for any reason, that’s just life.
 
I know, being a civilised Pokemon (I assume you are, since you’re reading this guide) you’re probably taught that only mean, ugly wild Pokemon eat each other. But as mean as I am, I wouldn’t consider myself ugly (though a consistent diet of prey have given me a huge gut and a fat ass), or wild in the least. No, I live in Hearthome city within walking distance of my favourite restaurant in town; the Contest Hall.
 
So, what’s my recommendation? The Poffins? The Pokeblocks? A nice cherry and lime smoothie?
 
No. I eat the contestants. And with this guide, so will you.
 
[b][u]Why Contest Pokemon?[/b][/u]
 
Why not?
 
When you think about it, they’re the perfect prey. They’ve spent their whole lives training to look good on stage, so even the weakest Pokemon is more experienced than they are in combat. Not to mention they’re perfumed, groomed and given a balanced diet to make sure they’re always looking, feeling and tasting their best (while I’m sure that last one wasn’t intentional, it’s a nice side-effect~)
 
Being sheltered during their training means that they’re usually incredibly trusting and gullible, making them easily tricked, seduced and consumed. Even getting past all that, most Contest Pokemon you’ll meet are stuck-up, narcissistic prima donnas who think the sun shines out of their ass. For their sake I hope they’re right, they’ll need the light while they’re giving your stomach a private performance.
 
Occasionally you’ll meet a nice one, and that’s fine. You don’t have to eat the good ones, you don’t have to eat any of them if you’re really against the idea. But if that’s the case, you ought to put this guide down, because if you don’t you’re going to find yourself armed with the knowledge you need to sneak into the Contest hall and devour any kind of Pokemon you want; Cool, Cute, Beauty, Smart, Tough. I’ll be teaching you how to hunt them all.
 
If, on the other paw, the thought of cramming some hoity-toity pageant princess down your gullet and burping out their contest ribbons makes your mouth water, read on.
 
[b][u]Getting In And Out[/b][/u]
 
Before you can start chomping down these first-place feasts, you’re going to have to get into the Contest Hall. I’d recommend you try to scope out the place dressed in some accessories, make yourself look like you belong to one of the many humans around you and you’ve been let out of your ball. Gawk stupidly, make cute noises, do whatever it takes to make yourself look like a trained Pokemon and no one will suspect a thing. I’m a Zoroark, so this is insanely easy for me… you might need to get a little more creative.
 
So, first up is deciding what to have. The Contest Hall posts handy flyers all around the place. Lists of Pokemon by name, species and what contest and time they’ll be competing, they’re practically menus for hungry predators like you and I. Grab one of these schedules ASAP and decide who on the list you want to be rubbing through your gut tonight.
 
Once you’ve decided which fine meal to snack on, you’re going to have to get backstage. This is where it gets tricky, because only Pokemon with trainers are allowed in the building proper, and the only Pokemon allowed outside their Poke Balls are the ones who are going to be competing. You have two options; Make yourself look like a Contest Pokemon and closely follow a human to make it look like you’re with them, or sneak your way past the ticket guy and into the backstage area.
 
Either way, you’re going to see five different doors with the different contest categories printed on them. Check which contest you’re target is competing in and walk in as if you’re just another competitor waiting for your turn to dance for the audience. If the Pokemon realise there’s an extra in the room, either pose yourself as a fan, a groomer or suggest that one of them is the false competitor and you’re a real one (paranoia is rampant in the contest industry. Use that to your advantage.)
 
No matter who you eat, you’re going to have to get away in a hurry. Your best bet is find the nearest window and climb out. If your gut is too big to climb or get through a window, you’re going to have to hide somewhere in the room. Supply closets are usually a good bet, but it’s the first place that they’ll check when a Pokemon goes missing, not to mention the other contestants might lead the humans to you (snitches, am I right?)
 
I guess what I’m trying to say is that when you’re sizing up your potential prey, remember that you’re going to need to find somewhere to lay low until they’re digested enough to make a getaway. Don’t go eating Onyx and expecting to waltz out with a giant stomach weighing you down!
 
Now, this guide diverges into the different categories. I didn’t want to write one guide for all of them, nor would I suggest this guide will be ideal in every scenario. Sometimes Pokemon compete in unexpected categories for their species, sometimes they break the mold and aren’t like anything I’ve written here. I’m not going to be able to hold your hand for that. Just remember, rule number 1 is applicable for every single scenario out there: ‘Don’t Get Caught.’
 
I’m going to write them in order ranking from easiest to most difficult. Don’t get in over your head or you’re going to wind up getting caught by a Pokemon, or worse, a trainer. If you get caught by either, you’ve never heard of me and you’ve never read this guide.
 
[b][u]Cute[/b][/u]
Difficulty: ★☆☆☆☆ Flavour: ★★★★★
Tactic: Overpower
 
By far, the easiest Pokemon to eat are those that enter the Cute contests. They’re usually bite-sized, adorable little scamps who have just started the contest circuit. I once walked out with an entire contest worth of Pokemon in my stomach (that’s ‘four’ for those of you who don’t frequent Sinnoh’s best buffet.) You can imagine the look on the humans faces when they walked in and found that not just one, but all of the contestants had mysteriously disappeared. They shut down the contest hall for a couple of days after that, so I wouldn’t recommend doing it.
 
They’re not the most filling meals, but most Pokemon in this category are Fairy-types, and any predator worth his salt knows how sweet and delicious they are. Jigglypuff, Slurpuff, Sylveon, those delicious new ice cream Vulpix from overseas. There’s no doubt that this is the category if you’re a sweet tooth.
 
So, how do you get them? Well, most Pokemon in the Cute category are small and weak enough that you can easily overpower them. Just lead them off to some secluded area of the room and eat them before the others see you. (though if they do, it’s not like you can’t just do the same to them, right?)
 
The only downside of getting into a Cute room is that sometimes you’re going to wind up with kids. Personally, I don’t eat kid prey (I’ve got standards!), I’d rather they grow up and reach their full potential. If you walk in and it’s a bunch of baby Pokemon, maybe check your schedule again and see what else is on the menu. Just something to look out for in there, I guess… anyway, moving onto an example of a particularly enjoyable meal I had while dining in this room.
 
I once found myself looking at the listings and spotting this little Cinccino who I had heard through rumours was a colossal douchenozzle. He used his cute appearance to wow the humans, but he was an insufferable bully to all the Pokemon, whether they were fans or fellow contestants. He’d often shout at them or make them cry before a show just so they wouldn’t be ready to perform, meanwhile he went up on stage and waltzed around scoring numbers so high I wondered if the judges were watching the same performance I was.
 
He returned to the room with his smug grin and asked what someone ‘so old’ was doing there. Now bear in mind, I don’t consider myself a cute Pokemon, and I was definitely out of place, being a towering Zoroark in a room full of Pokemon barely up to my knee height, but calling me out for being old? I don’t think so. This guy wasn’t exactly young himself, his species just made him look it, and he was using that to get what he wanted.
 
I told him I was there to teach him a lesson for making the Marill cry and mess up her performance. He began laughing at the top of his lungs, doubling over as though I had just told him the funniest joke he had ever heard. I just continued to glare at him while the other contestants cowered in fear of what was about to happen.
 
“What’re you going to do about it, old man? Spank me?” he grinned, smacking his grey furry ass in my direction.
 
“Something like that.”
 
I grabbed the little shit by his fluffy scarf and lifted him high into the air. He started shouting at me to put me down, typical ‘Do you know who I am?!’ Contest Pokemon nonsense. I decided to show him exactly who he was, opening my jaws and showing him the ‘red carpet’ that reached up and slurped over his front to greet him into his ‘private quarters’ for the evening.
 
The guy was in total disbelief, he couldn’t comprehend that he’d ever be in this situation. All he could do was stare into my throat while the other contestants gathered around and waited for the verdict. Then he said my favourite prey phrase, the one that gets my stomach rumbling every time.
 
“You wouldn’t..!”
 
So I did. I shoved his entire body into my jaws and closed them before he could do so much as squeak. I didn’t even taste him, I didn’t want him to think he was worth it. I tilted my head back and swallowed him down, everyone in the room watching the tiny, insignificant lump he made as it went down my neck, past my chest and into my gut. After that I left how I came in, no one even noticed he was in my stomach until I was long gone and back at my own home.
 
Another thing I forgot to mention about Cute Pokemon, they’ve got a lot of energy. This guy kept me up all night doing dance routines in my stomach, but I just patted him down and belched every time he thought he was getting close to escaping.
 
I guess what I’m trying to say is; even Cute Pokemon can be dicks. Don’t get all emotional when they start with the ‘boohoo woe is me’ crap. They’ll use their cuteness to manipulate you into letting them go. If you really feel bad I guess you can use a Reviver Seed so they can learn from their mistakes, maybe not be pint-sized assholes when they reform.
 
 
[b][u]Beauty[/b][/u]
Difficulty: ★★☆☆☆ Flavour: ★★★★★
Tactic: Overpower or Outsmart
 
There are two kinds of Beauty Pokemon; Brains and Bimbos.
 
Brains are the ones who are beautiful because they’re smart enough to know how to be. They know the right way to step, how to style their fur, how to hold your attention when they talk and when to walk away wiggling their tails like they’re begging you to chase them. They know the ins and outs of socialising and they will trick you into running into oncoming traffic just to impress them. Brains are dangerous.
 
Bimbos are as thick as their perfume. They are naturally pretty, usually from the diet their trainers give them, their breeding or just their species. They talk a lot about themselves, struggle with basic logic puzzles and rarely know how to read. I once met one that could only count to ten, when I appeared shocked by this she shrugged and said “Why should I learn more? ten is the highest I can score!” (I didn’t eat her, I was afraid that if I did I’d somehow become stupider.)
 
Another great thing about Bimbos is that they will generally believe anything you tell them. You could tell them that you’re a Pokemon agent who wants to take a few pictures posing as food on a plate and they’ll prepare themselves as a five-star meal for you, apple in their mouth and all. Bimbos are easy.
 
But both are delicious.
 
You can think of the Beauty category as a sort of ‘Cute+.’ The Pokemon here are generally the same sorts you’d find in a Cute contest but they’re usually slightly less friendly and a lot more stuck-up. These are the Pokemon who will turn their nose up at you unless you’re wearing the latest fragrances and fashion, or you so much as brush their fur the wrong way, or you get drool or stomach acid all over their precious accessories. This makes it all the more enjoyable when they’re in your stomach, whining and complaining about how you’re ruining their fur while you belch and tell them how tasty their ‘[i]au naturel[/i]’ beauty products made them.
 
Tactically speaking, It’s hard to get a Beauty contest Pokemon to talk to you or go anywhere out of sight unless you’re very charismatic or they’re incredibly dense. Fortunately they have one big weakness: their egos. I’ve found the best way to get them alone is to offer to groom them or rub some ‘enriching oils’ (a.k.a. sauce or berry juice) into their fur, or compliment them and ask if they’d like to go somewhere private so you can marvel in their beauty without distraction. They’ll agree, often stopping to rub it in the faces of the other contestants as they go (which is a great way to get snubbed by the only Pokemon who can save them later on.)
 
I’m sure you’ve heard of the infamous Spice Blaisé, a Ninetales who once graced the Contest Hall as the Beauty Contest Champion for ten years running. It came to light during his final performance that he had been occasionally snacking on his fellow contestants before they could perform to keep them from scoring higher than him, not to mention filling out his fabulous curves.
 
Imagine my surprise and delight when I first saw this delicious diva alone in the back room, swishing his tails happily as he swallowed the last of what I assumed to be a Swellow. He smiled over at me, bashfully grinning as though he had been caught stealing a free sample. ‘Whoops~’ his eyes seemed to say, carrying their singsong tone through my head as the bulge of his rival disappeared past his scarf. He belched out a tiny heart-shaped flame, burning the feather that had come out with the belch to a crisp before it even touched the floor. Oh yes, this was a Bimbo.
 
“Oh my, what a rugged creature. You’re not competing tonight, are you?” he asked me in a condescending and particularly biting tone, his paw still idly stroking the squirming bulge in his stomach. He wiped the feathers off his muzzle, patting his paw against his scarf to clean it. “I don’t usually meet with fans until after the show. If you’re looking for Plumage, well…” he smirked, challenging me to call his bluff, “You just missed her. I daresay she won’t be competing tonight after all~”
 
“I’ve been a fan of yours for some time, glad to finally meet the champion himself,” I laughed, putting one paw on his stomach to stop the trapped prey from interrupting our conversation, “Are you going to go on stage with -this- though? I think someone’s going to notice.”
 
“Well, the camera adds ten pounds,” the fox laughed as though he had told the joke a thousand times before. His stomach looked far heavier than ten pounds, but as he took a deep breath and clenched it I could see the difference it made. Had I not just watched him swallow a Pokemon, I might have thought he had an empty stomach. “Given that I’m the last to go on, I should have plenty of time to see off my little rival~”
 
The Ninetales turned his back on me, a move and looked into the mirror on the vanity table before him, making him all the easier to snatch. He admired himself for a time, gazing alluringly before looking up at my reflection in the mirror, his eyes seemingly glowing in the light of the LEDs dotted around its edge. His stomach gurgled as he ran his paw over it, his pink tongue slipping from between his jaws to clean his lips. “...Brush my tails, would you?”
 
My hands moved, reaching for the brush and clasping it as though it had a mind of its own. ‘Just a few strokes so he’ll trust me,’ I thought as I began to groom the fox’s fur, working in long strokes from base to tip. They were unbelievably soft, like I was stroking nine, long fluffy pillows. ‘Then I’m eating his uppity ass.’
 
“There are many benefits to eating Beauty Contest Pokemon, you know.” Spice spoke up, his tone making it sound like he could read my thoughts. He continued to stroke idly as he gazed deep into the mirror, “Luscious fur, far less fat than any other category, and the fat they do have goes to all the right places,” he grinned, his rear lifting gently as he admired the way it curved beneath him, “They’re far more delicious than anything the human chefs could prepare for you.”
 
I didn’t respond, I actually wasn’t sure if I even could. My mind was swimming with thoughts of how Spice would look when he realised why I was here. The panicked expression of a predator turned prey, the knowledge that all his time spent perfecting his body was just preparing himself to be the meal of some ruffian. The feeling of those golden, fluffy tails trailing down my throat, the final slurp of the tips as they desperately struggled to stay in the spotlight… drool dripped from my mouth, landing on his back.
 
“Aah… I see I’ve figured you out, my dear. You didn’t come here for an autograph and a picture, did you?” the Ninetales grinned knowingly as he looked over his shoulder. His eyes were glowing like amethysts held up to the sun, and the longer I stared the harder it became to look away. I should have been expecting Hypnosis, it was how he had maintained a perfect score all these years. He slowly turned to face me, a sinister grin spreading across his muzzle. “You thought you would just waltz in here, devour the most beloved Beauty champion in Sinnoh, and walk out using my scarf as a napkin?
 
“I’d suggest you think more carefully about your targets, there’s only one predator in this room tonight,” he told me. Thinking about that moment still chills me to this day; if he hadn’t eaten the Swellow he might have devoured me just to teach me a lesson. Instead he canted his head to the window, which I stumbled over to as if being controlled by some drunken puppeteer, opened it up and climbed out. As I was halfway out the window I felt my free will returning to me, and I turned just in time to see the Ninetales’ smug grin as he swayed his freshly-brushed tails.
 
“If you ever feel like being part of perfection,” he winked, one paw resting on his stomach as he took a stance only a model could know. It perfectly displayed the curves of his ass and hips, his tails high and proud. It was a mental image that would stay in my mind forever. “You know where to find me.”
 
And with that, I went home on an empty stomach and began planning how I would devour the Ninetales without being hypnotised. I later learned that Spice got caught out for what he did and was swiftly eaten by an Arcanine during the closing ceremonies. He went from champion to chow over the course of an evening. I think my biggest regret is always going to be not eating himself myself, I wish I had at least gotten a little taste of that golden fur before I left.
 
But like I said, there are two kinds of Beauty Contest pokemon; Brains and Bimbos, and as it turns out, Spice wasn’t a bimbo. Watch out for Beauty Pokemon; you never know if you’re dealing with a Brain or a Bimbo until you’ve started eating them. My suggestion for these gourmet Pokemon is to eat first and tease them later.
 
[i](Damn, I wrote way too much about Spice. That Ninetales knew how to leave an impression, and not just on an Arcanine’s gut.)[/i]
 
 
[b][u]Smart[/b][/u]
Difficulty: ★★★☆☆ Flavour: ★★★☆☆
Tactic: Overpower
 
Oh hey, something I don’t consider five-star flavour! Yes, it’s true, not all Pokemon have the time to make themselves so delectable. Unlike Cute and Beauty Pokemon, Smart Pokemon don’t rely on their looks when it comes to appealing to judges. These are the Pokemon you see up on stage doing dazzling light tricks based off geometry, or using moves that show off just how much of a know-it-all they are. Smart Pokemon are frustrating to trick and usually have bland flavours… on the plus side, they’re pretty fun to mess with.
 
Smart Pokemon are often Psychic-types and are therefore difficult to outsmart or trick. Fortunately, they’re usually less physically capable Pokemon which means if you grab one and drag them away they’re probably not going to do much besides flail on the floor and demand you put them down.
 
If you’re going to go after Smart Pokemon, I’d advise you to bring along some spices or sauce. Give your prey a lick and see if they need anything and then flavour them as you see fit. Just don’t get carried away, I once got caught red-handed basting an Espeon with white chocolate sauce. I had to make a speedy exit and didn’t even get a lick, I sure hope someone ate him after all the effort I put into preparing him.
 
But my anecdote for this section isn’t about that guy, I’m not going to spend this guide writing about all the Pokemon I -almost- ate. So, about a month and a half ago, I strolled into the Smart waiting room to find two of the Pokemon arguing over movesets, one in the corner studying metaphysical-something-or-other and one juicy Absol with her back to me, her horn sparking every now and then with little splotches of dark energy as she tried to practice for her performance.
 
That’s another thing about Smart Pokemon: they’re not that sociable. They usually stick to themselves, making them easy to get alone. It also means they’re not used to strangers giving them compliments, as was the case when I approached this tasty.
 
“Hey, aren’t you supposed to be in the Beauty contest?” I winked. “It’s next door.”
 
She let out a forced chuckle and shook her head. “Go away.” she replied firmly, “Can’t you see I’m busy preparing for my performance? You’re going to make me screw up on stage if you don’t let me practice.”
 
“You sound pretty nervous,” I remarked, shifting between herself and the wall so she was forced to look me in the eyes. I sat down to be at eye level, a grin spreading over my muzzle. “You scared to go out in front of all those people?”
 
“I might suffer from a bit of stage fright,” the Absol admitted as her horn continued to spark with the Shadow Ball energy, only to flicker out. She frowned at me, her pouting was sort of cute. “I find it’s not helped when I’m being accosted by scruffy-looking Zoroarks.”
 
I laughed loud enough to get every Pokemon the room to look at us, she responded by retreating behind the curtains. Perfect. I followed after her in a swagger, one hand on my hips, “You know, if you’re that scared about going up, I could always take your place.”
 
“Yeah right, like I’d let some amateur ruin my big chance.” She scoffed at the very thought. “No thanks, I think I’ll just keep trying with my routine.”
 
“My dear,” I chuckled, “You must learn to trust yourself.”
 
I landed on her back, my paws resting on hers. She looked quite surprised to see a perfect copy of herself looming over her, every strand of her fur perfectly replicated through my natural illusionary powers. She tried to yell, but I was quick to silence her, swallowing her head before she could protest my plan. She caved quickly after that, too paralysed by fright to stop me from devouring her. I imagine she thought I was joking for the first few inches, but by the time my jaws had reached her stomach she knew what was happening and that she was too late to stop it.
 
It’s hard to hide a full, squirming stomach under an illusion whilst also maintaining an illusionary form, but I made it work and spend the rest of the night masquerading as that brainiac Absol. Despite her objections, I was able to do quite well in her performance, summoning Shadow Balls and throwing them around to create different patterns. We lost a few points due to a misuse of ‘Ominous Wind’, which is what the judges had dubbed my constant belching due to her fussing about inside me.
 
I left out the fire exit to avoid having to meet her trainer, but from what I gathered afterwards, we managed to score third place. Not bad for someone who’s never competed before, nor his recently acquired gut. That Absol has since moved to a permanent position on my waistline, though I genuinely feel a lot smarter since I digested her… I suppose you really are what you eat.
 
I suppose my wrap-up for this segment is that Smart Contest Pokemon usually have rather bland flavours, but can be spiced up and are a lot of fun to play around with. If you’re looking for amusement, I might recommend making this your first stop.
 
 
[b][u]Cool[/b][/u]
Difficulty: ★★★★☆ Flavour: ★★★☆☆
Tactic: Overpower or Outsmart
 
Ugh. These guys.
 
Don’t get me wrong, I’m certain there are some Cool Contest Pokemon that are perfectly reasonable, but the ones I’ve met are usually daredevils or so insistent on using buzz words they might as well be speaking another language. Yes, Cool Contest Pokemon have egos that rival their Beauty counterparts but put their focus into making their personalities shine rather than their appearance.
 
The first thing you notice when you enter the Cool room is that everyone in there is trying to one-up each other. You’ll have Pokemon on skateboards, Pokemon playing with fire and lightning, Pokemon flipping about and dancing in front of a boombox (feel free to play their music to them while they’re in your stomach and see if they can still dance.) In some ways it is the most creative and accessible category; there are no guidelines for ‘Cool,’ and any Pokemon can use this Contest to show off their talent. That means it can be very hard to predict what you will be faced with when you decide to have a Cool meal.
 
In this regard, read the listings and see what Pokemon are available and, more importantly, what their talents are. Don’t eat anyone whose talent is escape artistry. I made that mistake once and felt like my stomach had been tied in knots by the time that damn Glameow got back out of me. Still, it seemed to impress the others in the room, and he allowed me to leave before any trainers arrived, thanking me for helping him ‘display his wicked skillz.’ Maybe next time I’ll forget to swallow the key.
 
One delicious derring-doer I did devour was a Linoone named Francois the Fearless. His performance involved a highwire act or something similar, the way he prattled on when he boasted to me made me wonder if his skill was just incessant yammering.
 
I asked how he got his title in an effort to get away from talking about the different heights of his tightropes. “Because I am!” he responded as if I had insulted his mother. “I’m totally fearless, nothing can frighten me! I’ve fought legendaries and climbed mountains, and I never once got scared!”
 
This made me chuckle. This shrimpy-looking Linoone had not just seen, but [i]fought[/i] legendary Pokemon. He took offense to my amusement. “I’ll prove it to you, tell me to do something and I’ll do it!”
 
“Take this,” I said, handing him a berry from a nearby bowl, “and carry it to my stomach.”
 
“Excuse me?!” the Linoone blinked, looking at the berry in his paws, “You want me to drop it in your mouth?”
 
“No, you’re going to be carrying it.” I replied, sitting back aloofly as I often do when I’m about to get a willing meal. “I’ll open my mouth, you’ll climb in, go allow the way down my throat, and drop the berry in my stomach.” I smirked. “Unless you’re chicken.”
 
Never underestimate how fragile a Contest Pokemon’s ego is. Not only did the Linoone agree, but he gathered around the other contestants to watch as he performed his fearless feat. I was barely containing my laughter as he climbed up onto my front and pried my jaws open with his paws, the berry held firmly in his mouth.
 
To his credit, he did manage to get halfway down my throat before common sense kicked in. He paused, his hind legs and rear nestled snugly between his jaws, the bulge he made in my neck visible for all the room to see, his tail flicked as if saying ‘wait a minute, what the fuck am I doing?’
 
“Err.” his muffled voice called, “Can I maybe go out and come back in again?”
 
“Come on, dude. You’re almost there!” a Jolteon called out, having taken a break from his breakdancing to see the show. “Don’t be a pussy!”
 
The words of the clueless Eeveelution seemed to resonate in the Linoone, because the next thing I knew he was dragging himself along again, with me giving him short, steady gulps to help him along. Soon he had achieved his goal, he was making a nice bulge in my stomach, causing cheers and congratulations from the others in the room as they proceeded to rub my gut and generally make a show out of it. Were they humans I might have expected selfies. #FearlessToFat
 
Once I had had enough of the praise, I got up, announcing that I would let their fellow contestant out ‘eventually’ and prepared to exit the room. The Jolteon followed after me, rather insistent on seeing the second part of the Linoone’s stunt. “It’s not really worth watching,” I commented, “I imagine it’ll be shit.”
 
I’m still certain the Jolteon didn’t pick up on what I meant, I assume he thinks to this day that the fearless Linoone is still performing in Cool Contests. I never ran into him again though, which is a pity as I enjoy the energy Electric-types always seem to possess when they’re racing around the walls of your stomach. But this guide isn’t about that kind of typing.
 
While Cool Contest Pokemon are like having dinner and a show at the same time, I wouldn’t advise going in blind. You’ll often find that Pokemon from Tough contests will mingle with the Cool crowd, resulting in some nights where you’re in a room filled with meatheads who are upset that they’re competing in contests instead of fighting like other trained Pokemon. This combined with the Cool Pokemon’s affinity towards powerful, explosive moves can make them dangerous prey if they figure out what you’re doing before you’ve finished your meal. Be careful, and choose your targets wisely.
 
 
[b][u]Tough[/b][/u]
Difficulty: ★★★★★ Flavour: Varies
Tactic: Outsmart
 
So, you’ve got a craving for something meaty, a meal you can be proud of finishing, something that’ll fill you up for days and give you muscles once you work off the fat. Tough Pokemon are the hardest Contest Pokemon to stomach, and while that doesn’t mean much when comparing them to trained Pokemon as a whole, it still means you’ll want to go in with a sense of forethought and planning.
 
As I mentioned in the Cool guide, Tough Pokemon are Pokemon who wished they were combatants fighting in Gym battles. They are hot-headed, ferocious, and usually have performances based on how many things they can break while still having enough energy to break more things. These are martial artists, fighters, wrestlers, brick-breakers. These are not your Beauty Contest divas and they will kick the shit out of you the second they realise you’re trying to, or even thinking about, eating them.
 
“Hey Chance!” I hear you say in your toughest predator voice, “What’s up with the ‘Flavour’ rating? Where are the stars?”
 
Were I a more endearing writer I might say that the stars are all of you dear readers, but I assure you that is not the case in this situation. Tough Pokemon are mostly Fighting, Steel, Rock and Ground types. This means that you are just as likely to get a practically inedible Graveler as you are to get a delicious, mouth-watering Lucario (a Pokemon I’ve often deemed the Holy Grail of Tough Contests). Always check the listings before you head into the room and make sure there’s a Pokemon scheduled to compete that you actually -want- to eat. This is the only room where you can’t just hang about and window shop until a delicious looking specimen wanders in.
 
When you’re approaching a Tough Pokemon, you’ve got to focus on the fact that they are stronger and more capable than you are. You’re going to have to outsmart them, and while playing to their egos will work as well as any other Contest Pokemon, there’s a very high chance they’ll clobber you if they feel insulted by your negging. Tough Pokemon aren’t known for their patience, after all.
 
I’ve found that, like Cool Pokemon, the best way to get one into a position where you can eat them is to challenge them. My favourite way to do this is to suggest that they can’t break the bindings I put them in and, once they’re nicely tied up, eating them at my leisure.
 
It might also be wise to warn you, if you hadn’t guessed already, that Tough Pokemon tend to be the largest in any category. While you may be able to stomach an Arcanine, sneaking out while having one filling your stomach is another question entirely. Be sure to be on the lookout for Pokemon smaller than you are or, if you’re an illusionary expert like myself, ones that won’t leave your stomach dragging along the floor.
 
I once met an Infernape who filled that quota for me. He was particularly muscular for his species, the sort you’d see lifting weights at a gym and getting into fights to hide how small his dick was. I swaggered over to him, grinning my usual shit-eating grin, and he turned to me as if I had just insulted him with my presence.
 
“Oy, dickhead!” he shouted at me, “Can’t ye see I’m busy? I’ll knock you right out, mate.”
 
Ugh, that accent. I was doing him a favour by reducing him to fat. Fat doesn’t have a voice. I kept my cool, smiled and shook my head as if he had complimented me, “Ah, no. I just wondered what your performance would be.”
 
“I’m going to break outta a cage and go fucking mental, mate.” He laughed, miming ripping apart the iron bars with his hands as his hair flared behind him. I continued to smile politely, knowing he would soon be in a cage that couldn’t be escaped so easily. “Audience’ll eat that up, you watch me.”
 
“Oh, I’m sure,” I replied unconvincingly.
 
“You startin’?” He narrowed his eyes, his hair flaring as he challenged me. He clenched his fists, and for a moment I thought I was going to have to go home with a black eye. “Go on then, let's ‘ave a go if you think you’re ‘ard enough!”
 
“Hey!” A booming voice called. We turned to see a Beartic at the back of the room, who thumbed towards a sign on the wall; ‘No fighting in the Waiting Room.’
 
“...Ppsh, would’ve knocked ‘im black ‘n blue anyway,” the monkey scoffed as he turned, his tail flicking defiantly at me. “Fuck off then, shadow boy. Let a profushinal prepare in peace.”
 
‘Profushinal.’ Even with his obtuse accent that sounded wrong. The dimwit probably had no idea what ‘professional’ meant. I reached to the bag at my side with a grin, opening it and taking out some handcuffs. “My performance is going to be breaking out of these.”
 
“Is that all? You’re ‘avin a laugh!” the Infernape cackled loudly, one hand over his face as he saw the handcuffs. “Do you honestly think anyone cares about some measly handcuffs? I’m breaking out a cage of steel bars!”
 
“Believe me, you’ll find that handcuffs are much harder to escape than any cage you could be put in,” I responded.
 
“Can’t be that ‘ard if you do it.” he scoffed.
 
“They’re flame resistant, you know,” I mused, allowing the cuffs to hang off my finger, the other ring dangling back and forth like a pendulum, “You couldn’t melt through them.”
 
“I don’t need to, I’ll just break the chain, won’t I?” he insisted, bouncing up and down in excitement. “Try me. Come on, let’s ‘ave a go,” the Infernape grinned, his hands spread out in front of him as he curled his paws into fists. I grabbed him by the shoulder and spun him around, pinning him there as I handcuffed his wrists behind his back, “Oh, behind my back, ay? Alright, I like a bit of a challenge.”
 
“Well then, I’m sure you won’t mind me making the challenge a bit harder,” I replied, trying not to lick my lips too much as I made my way towards the back of the room, leading him along like I had just arrested him for being too delicious. Once I was sure we were alone I pushed him against a wall, pinning him with the palm of my hand, “Tell me, how exactly do you break steel bars with your bare hands?”
 
“Brute fuckin’ strength,” he smirked, clearly having used the few brain cells he still had to come up with that response.
 
“Strength or ‘Strength’?” I inquired, a knowing grin spreading across my muzzle. His face dropped, then turned into a scowl. Oh yes, I had cottoned onto his tactic, “Something tells me you rely on that move to perform your feat... it’s not as though meager muscles could break steel bars, not without the help of a HM.”
 
“I don’t need nuffin but my own two ‘ands, you wanker!” he snarled back at me, “I’ll show you, I will! I’ll break it without my Strength and then I’ll bash your head in!”
 
“So we’re in agreement?” I smirked, touching the side of his head. My claws flashed, and for a brief moment he was covered in ghostly purple chains. They vanished, but their effect remained, I repeated his promise back to him; “No Strength.”
 
A quick bit of advice I’d give anyone seeking to devour Tough Contest Pokemon, and it’s something that might very well turn an impossible meal into a trivial one; learn Strength and Imprison. Strength is one of the most widely used moves in Tough Contests, and with Imprison you can prevent them from using it. Without their power, they’re only slightly stronger than you or I… and certainly not capable of breaking steel.
 
My prey secured and his moves locked beyond his reach I knew I was as prepared to proceed as I was ever going to be, “I propose a time limit.” I smirked, “I’ll start at your feet, all you have to do is break the cuffs before I reach your head.”
 
“What’re you on about?” he grumbled skeptically. I took a nearby shower cloth, still musky from it’s previous user, and tied it around his mouth as a makeshift gag. He grunted, starting to let out muffled demands for an explanation. I decided not to keep him in suspense, this was my favourite part after all. I held his legs together with my hands, brought his feet to my jaws and allowed them to slide in.
 
His eyes lit up with instant realization what was happening, and he began to thrash uselessly about as I swallowed, each gulp of his short, spicy fur bringing him further into the warmth of my throat. He struggled with the handcuffs, trying desperately to get his hands free so he could fight me off. His tail curled around to try to lash at my face, but I simply parted my jaws wider and engulfed that too.
 
Finally I got up to the bottom of the white fluff that made up his chest, having ingested his entire lower body. My tongue flicked out, tasting the steel chain of the handcuffs as he grunted, his eyes narrowing and his hair blazing in fury as he tried to rip them apart. ‘I can break these cuffs!’ the burning intensity in his eyes seemed to say. ‘You can’t break those cuffs’ mine responded as I smiled around his rear, allowing my teeth to sink into it ever so slightly.
 
He spread his arms as much as he could, fighting and trying to lift his hands out of my reach. But now it was too late, my hands pushed his together as they entered my jaws, and with a single gulp they were bound in the tight, wet confines of my throat. He had failed his challenge.
 
Once he knew he couldn’t break free, he instead started to shake his head around, letting out muffled yells as his eyes darted towards the sheet of cloth obscuring us from the rest of the waiting room. I gulped faster and harder, bringing his white fluffy fur into my jaws until finally his head slid into it, his hair still burning brightly.
 
I closed my jaws around it, snuffing the flame out in an instant and leaving us both in darkness. Gulp, whimper, Gllrrk, whine~ the monkey slid down my throat and rested, curled up in my gut. I belched, watching as a flame lit up the room, one last hurrah for my most irritating meal to date. Needless to say, that was a cage he couldn’t break out of.
 
Tough Pokemon are extremely satisfying meals. They have some of the biggest egos when it comes to Contest Pokemon, and going from being extremely powerful to weak and helpless just adds to their flavour, particularly if you’re someone who enjoys tormenting and teasing your prey like I do.
 
So go devour Tough Pokemon, as my late primate friend said, ‘if you think you’re hard enough.’ Just don’t come crying to me if they break your jaws because you got in over your head and didn’t prepare your meal properly.
 
 
[b][u]Conclusion[/b][/u]
 
So, by now you’re probably patting your full stomach and feeling glad for having gotten away with a perfect heist. Some uppity Contest Pokemon is stewing in your gut like (or alongside) last night’s pot roast and you’re thanking me from the bottom of your heart for finally getting a taste of the most luxurious prey in Sinnoh.
 
To that I say, you’re welcome, my intrepid predator. You’re welcome to use my advice however you desire, perhaps even plan an expedition to Hoenn and try their local flavours, They have an entire league for Contests, you know. Four towns of Contest Pokemon for you to sample.
 
All I want you to do in return is to remember the three rules.
 
Don’t get caught, and if you do, don’t lead them back to me.
 
If you see me hunting (and I’m surprisingly easy to spot for a Zoroark), leave immediately. You don’t want to be in my hunting grounds when I’m hungry.
 
Leave the Lucario and Ninetales to me.
 
Until we meet again, preferably with you drenched in white chocolate sauce and disappearing down my gullet.
 
The End