Uploaded: 5 years ago
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Kali comes to visit but a certain blonde catches her eye. Can Yang resist the older woman or is she doomed to be a milf's dinner.
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Posted by Teruyo 5 years ago Report
Hey, quick grammar/formatting note. Whenever a new person starts speaking, you're supposed to start a new paragraph. If two characters are having a conversation, it is correct to have a new paragraph whenever the speaker changes.
Posted by MadKing 5 years ago Report
At least I made it clear who is talking. Other then the grammer how did you enjky the story?
Posted by Teruyo 5 years ago Report
I'll be able to give it a better read when I'm not on my phone (the PDF text is very small on a mobile device), but for first impressions, I'll be honest, it's just okay. The concept is nice, but the execution is lacking. A lot of the issues are fixable (grammar, punctuation, and formatting are easy fixes), I like the idea of the stories, but the writing's not the best. That's not to say stop writing or that it's *bad*, it's not, and everyone's gotta start somewhere, but definitely work on cleaning your writing up.
Posted by MadKing 5 years ago Report
Also I have no editor and if you read my other stories you can see im bad with grammer. I also have dyslexia so i tend to make misstakes and over depend on my writing prograns attocorecct and grammer correction. Plus these are ment to be simple stories.
Posted by Nikkidafox 5 years ago Report
I would be happy to submit a more fixed version of this for you if you would like.