You pull up at the location for your date, having dressed your best for her though you wonder if it was a good idea given where she asked to meet up. Scoping it out from the outside, it seems like a very seedy looking dive bar instead of anything you’d remotely expect from a woman of her calibur. You feel you really should’ve asked for the place’s name instead of following her directions to get here; maybe that way you’d lose the feeling you were gonna be murdered tonight or something equally horrible. Taking a deep breath, you get out of your car and enter, making your way to the bartender and grabbing a seat on the stool as you wait for your date.
 
Taking in a quick once-over of your surroundings, you feel a little bad about your previous assessment of the bar from the outside; inside, it’s actually pretty nice. Nothing fancy or anything, looks almost like something out of a movie, it’s very cozy and inviting with no one else really here with you outside of the bartender. As you finish looking around, you turn back to the bar and order yourself a beer to pass the time until your date arrives. While sipping on your drink and scrolling through your phone, you hear someone pull up to the bar.
 
The creak of the car’s door opening and closing startles you and you hear the driver slowly make their way inside, the floor creaking with every heavy footstep. Being a little out of your element, you sense a feeling of dread with every footstep but you don’t turn around to find out the source.
 
Still concentrating on your phone and drink to the best of your ability, you hear the footsteps stop and then the sounds of the stool next to you being dragged on the floor. There’s a moment of silence as you can feel the person staring directly at you, you can even see a bit of movement out of the corner of your eye. You have no idea what to expect from them, your date hasn’t bothered responding to your messages and you’re afraid to say anything, even to order a refill. The silence continues for a little longer before you feel a hand touch your shoulder, making you nearly jump off your stool, you can’t avoid the person any longer and quickly turn your head to face them.
 
“You know it’s rude to not properly greet a lady, right?”
 
You let out a sigh of relief, it’s your date; she’s looking exactly as her profile picture: long flowing black hair, gorgeous brown eyes, a face like a goddess, an impressive but not too massive bust, legs and a butt you wouldn't have been surprised were sculpted by Michaelangelo himself; all wrapped in a dark blue blouse and form fitting jeans. She was absolutely someone out of your league that you were thankfully for giving you the time of day but there was something about her that caught your attention even more so than all of those, three things actually.
 
Her left hand is completely metal, like something very similar to Edward Elric’s, she is holding a fairly large blue duffle bag and she was sporting a big belly, a belly roughly the size of a woman overdue with twins.
 
“Hey, eyes up! Normally I don’t mind people scoping out ‘the goods’ but this is supposed to be a date.”
 
Your eyes meet hers and she smiles, “That’s better now how’s about you buy me a drink to make up for it?”, she remarks with a wink. From that on, you both begin drinking and make small talk, switching your beer for something a little stronger as the night goes on. Things having gone well, you invite her back to your place and she happily agrees; she waves goodbye to the bartender, who she seems to know quite well, and you both head outside.
 
You walk towards your car before you hear her clear her throat, you turn her way and she points to her own car. She opens the backseat before tossing her bag in and sits up front, waving for you to hurry up and drive; you hastily walk to the car, start it up and begin driving.
 
As you drive, there’s a bit of an awkward silence before she speaks up.
 
“No need to beat around the bush, I know you’re curious about my hand and gut. First off, NO I’m not pregnant so if you ask, I’ll slap that smart mouth of yours clean off. Secondly, yes you can feel the hand for yourself but be careful if you do, it does come off.”
 
You tell her you’re more curious about how she got them more than anything and she rolls her eyes and sighs, seemingly tired of hearing that.
 
“Can’t really not address the elephant in the room, can I? Alright well let’s start with my real name: I’m not Claire Weaver, I’m Ashley J. Williams, my friends call me Ash.”
 
You quickly glance at her, your eyes almost leaping out of their sockets; as you open your mouth to speak, she quickly cuts you off and gestures to you to keep your eyes on the road.
 
“Yeah yeah, heard it all before, shut the hell up and let me finish. I know I have the same name as that Evil Dead character, love the trilogy and series by the by, but that’s just a coincidence... Anyways, getting sidetracked here… actually wait, have you seen those movies?”
 
You give her a quick confused look before nodding.
 
“That’s eerily similar to, but not exactly, what happened to me; that’s how I got this hand and this gut.”
 
You point out to her that it was Ash’s right hand that he lost and he didn’t get a massive belly like her; to which she frowns and glares at you, causing you to clear your throat and apologize for interjecting.
 
“If you’re done, allow me to continue: YES. I KNOW; that’s why I said SIM-I-LAR. Anyways, all that shit, Deadites, Necronomicon, yadda yadda yadda, yeah that’s all real. As to where this ol’ girl from…”, she looks at her belly with a solemn expression and gently rubs it; “...this is what’s left of my friends.”
 
You raise an eyebrow but continue looking forward as you drive, Ash notices your reaction but is silent for a moment then she takes a deep breath, still rubbing her belly, and sighs before continuing.
 
“It’s weird, I know, but trust me: I had the bod of an olympic athlete before that damn weekend happened… So they all ended up getting possessed and tortured me, they even lopped off my hand and nearly broke my knee. After a while they seemed to get bored with torturing me and thought up an interesting way to try and kill me: force feeding themselves to me.”
 
You suddenly stop, nearly flinging the both of you out of her windshield, before rubbing your temples with your fingers as you try to process all of this she’s telling you. First you met a female Ash Williams, second The Evil Dead is ACTUALLY real, third the Necronomicon is real and now Ash apparently was forced to swallow her friends whole? This all can’t be fucking real, she has to be messing with you right?
 
You glance over at Ash and she seems entirely unphased by your reaction. After a moment longer, she simply reaches into the back of her car, opens the duffle bag and pulls something out and sits it on her belly. You lean over and see a book, bound in what appears to be human flesh, with the front cover looking like a hellish, distorted face.
 
“Necronomicon Ex Mortis'', the Book of the Dead. Right here in the, well, in the flesh.”
 
You slowly reach out to touch it but she swiftly slaps your hand away, the slap hurting more than expected since it came from her metal hand.
 
“Noooo touchy, that’s how I got my shit fucked to begin with.”, she stares at the book for a bit, her expression slowly growing into one of anger before she sighs and puts it back in her bag. “Didn’t expect to tell this whole story on a random date but guess the booze mixed with keeping this in so long kinda led to this so I’m sorry about it.”
 
You have no clue how to respond so after a few seconds more of silence, you start driving once again, which appears to shock Ash.
 
“Guess we’re still heading back to your place?”; you nod in agreement to the question, “Well thanks for that, been a long year since all that happened. Those damn Deadites know exactly where to get you and it was a double whammy for me since I was actually training for the Olympics and got in tip-top shape for that so I lost both my incredible body and the four women closest to me.”
 
As you got closer to your home, she continues telling you all about that weekend she experienced, along with all the events afterwards up until this night. She either really created this whole elaborate set of events beforehand, even made a whole fake metal glove and Necronomicon, as some sort of joke or ploy to fuck with your head for one reason or another or this is actually completely real and she’s being completely geniuine, though why she would go through all that to mess with you in particular, you have no idea. Either way, you begin to tune her out as best you can as you keep driving.
 
Pulling into your driveway, you wonder if this seriously is worth your time, even with a woman like her, since you feel an overwhelming sense of dread but you shrug it off. You get out and notice your roommates’ cars are there and warn her about them since they tend to be… obnoxious, to put it mildly. She nods and gets her bag out of the back before you two approach the door. As you open the door, everything… looks about the same as you left it, one of your roommates drunk and asleep on the couch watching some obscure horror flick and your other roommate assumedly in their room doing God knows what.
 
You slowly walk towards your room as to not wake the one on the couch but you don’t hear Ash following behind you, You turned to see her looking around, taking in your admittedly fancy house; “Go on ahead, I’ll catch up in a few”, she whispers with a wink as she blows a kiss. You smile and hurriedly (but quietly) head upstairs to your room and do a quick cleanup since you weren’t expecting to take her home tonight. Just as you finish up, you hear sounds of a struggle downstairs and indistinct swearing and run downstairs as fast as you can to see your roommate’s feet being sucked into Ash’s mouth and down her throat.
 
The bulge in her throat from your roommate’s feet disappears quickly and you can make out the outline of them in her belly, you rush to her and kneel down to talk to her now massive belly.
 
“This bitch is insane, she just walked up to me and started trying to eat me. I tried to fight her off but she’s stupid strong.”
 
You assure them you’ll save them but Ash just rolls her eyes, “They’re a Deadlite, you dumbass. You seriously think I’d just randomly eat some stranger?”
 
You punch at her belly, only to have her knock you away with a punch much stronger than your own.
 
“Want me to eat you too? I don’t eat normal folk but I ain’t against the idea if you’re gonna try to force this fuckface out of me.”
 
You glare at her, her face stoic and determined, and punch the floor beside you. She extends a hand to you that you accept, your eyes now fixated on her squirming belly.
 
“Ever since that hell I went through, I’ve had a sixth sense for these bastards and I can swallow them whole, just like they forced me to do with my friends. I don’t know nor do I give a shit how I can but I do know I’d gorge myself on every last one of those sons of bitches at once and suffer through ungodly indigestion if it means ridding us all of them for good.”
 
“HahaAHahHAhahAHA”, a hideous, distorted laugh echoes out from Ash’s belly, causing you to jump back in fright; “SUcH a SaD sAD StORY, DOn’t WOrry THouGh; YOu’Ll SEe yOUr FRIendS In heLL AShleY HAHahAHaHAhAhHA!!”
“Oh please, heard it all before and I’m still here; can’t take out the Chosen One, least not a pathetic little goon like yourself.”
 
Ash squeezes her belly before letting out a massive burp that nearly knocks you off your feet. The squirming in her gut slows before stopping altogether and, as if anticipating your question, takes out the Necronomicon from her bag and flips it to a page of a figure. The figure appears to be a woman wielding a chainsaw for a hand and a sawed off shotgun in her other hand with a large belly protruding forth; looking a little close, she and Ash look one and the same. After a few seconds, she slams the book shut and throws it back in; she then reaches back in and pulls out a modified chainsaw and hands you the bag.
 
She takes off her metal hand and swaps it with the chainsaw, it’s done so smooth and precisely you can tell she’s done this countless times before.
 
“Ever fired a gun before?”
 
You nod your head.
 
“Good because we’ve got company.”
 
Right on cue, your other roommate charges out of their room, a large machete in their hand, and they swing at you, you just barely dodging out of the way in time. Ash revs her chainsaw up and your roommate swings at her, Ash easily meeting the blade with her own. With a smile on her face, she forces your roommate back and slices their arm clean off; “SHOOT THEM!”, she yells. Before you can, your roommate falls to their knees, clutching the stump where their arm was and looking at you, tears welling up in their eyes.
 
“Please help me… I-I need yo-your help… th-there’s so-somethin-thing inside m-m-me I’m trying t-to fight back a-ag-against..”
 
You lower the gun for just a second but that’s enough time for them to steal the gun from you and shoot you in the lower leg, blowing it clean off. You scream out in agony before they place the barrel in your mouth, their face now resembling the Deadites you’re familiar with from Ash vs Evil Dead. You realize this is the end for you, everything she said IS true; you close your eyes and pray, in your mind, for this to be over swiftly.
 
You hear Ash’s chainsaw revving loudly and soon feel some liquid spraying on your face before the revving stops. You hesitantly open your eyes to see the decapitated body of your roommate lying on the ground, their blood all over the floor as Ash is holding up their head.
 
“And that’s why you never hesitate to shoot when I say ‘shoot’”, she holds the head up to her face which proceeds to cackle at the situation. Before they can say anything, Ash opens her mouth inhumanly wide and swallows their head whole before squatting down to pick up the body and dismembered arm and swallows them as well.
 
You try to say something but you’re woozy and disoriented. You watch as Ash rubs her belly, which is now large enough to touch the ground, and belches once more before your vision fades and you black out. You wake up some time later, your head is swimming from the pain where your calf used to be; Ash is sitting next to you, her belly having shrunk back to the size it was when you first met.
 
“Heeeey there champ, you feeling alright? Well, as alright as you can be after having your lower leg blasted off.”
 
You give a weak nod and try to sit up, Ash assists you as best she can, and you look down. She seems to have moved you to your room and wrapped your leg stump in assorted blankets and rags she found around the house.
 
“I’m not a medic but I did the best I could do to stop the blood loss.”, you thank her and she hands you a cup of instant ramen; “I’m also not a cook so don’t give me shit for this, just be grateful I didn’t leave you for dead.”
 
After a nice long while of talking with her, she gets up and goes to leave but you stop her. You ask her what you can do for her, seeing as she saved your life and all. She looks back at you, eyeing you up and down, before biting her lip and walking back over to you.
 
“I can think of a few ways~”, she sits on your lap; “Just know though: I’m the ruler of this bedroom now sooo...”, she grabs you by your shirt and pulls you close.
 
“Hail to the queen baby.”