Jovial talk and merriment were had as the cast and crew of the animated sitcom “Bob’s Burgers” celebrated ending the show on a critically acclaimed twenty-first season. Drink glasses were clinked, laughs were shared; a fun time was had by all.
 
Except, of course, for the caterers.
 
Not that the three person team wasn’t well equipped for dealing with parties like this; the skill and artistry that went into every single cheeseburger being slung from the grill and onto people’s plates was deservedly well-praised through every corner of L.A. that they catered to, with today’s party being no exception.
 
The real reason for them being there and serving so much food, however, was less so for the party as a whole and more so for one single guest…
 
*EURP*
 
Kristen Schaal.
 
“Oop! Excuse me.”, she said as she wiped the copious amount of post-burp slobber away from her face.
“Should’ve grabbed somebody’s face to blow that in before doing that. My bad!”
 
The squeaky voiced and diminutive comedian was the only real woman on the cast of Bob’s Burgers but more than made up for it with her unabashed embrace of her predator genes, eating enough calories to land any man on the team in the hospital and fattening up her figure to monstrous extremes as a result.
 
Watermelon-sized breasts that bounced around in her top…
 
A fatty gut stuffed to the brim with broiling meat and stomach acids…
 
Cellulite-ridden butt cheeks spilling over the sides of her chair and threatening to rip whatever parts of her red dress they hadn’t ripped already…
 
Kristen’s bright and bubbly personality stood in great contrast to her relentless diet as a carnivore, so the party organizers took it upon themselves to make sure the catering drew her attention away from eating any of her fellow guests and instead towards the copious amount of food being prepared to sate her.
 
Easy in concept, difficult in execution.
 
Cart after cart of mouth-watering hamburgers were wheeled over to the chair the hungry predator was sitting in, where every last one of them was promptly scarfed down in a single bite without a single moment of thought being given to any one of them.
 
Crumbs littered the ground around her, sauce ran down her pale white chest…
 
By all accounts, the plan was a success.
 
“Mmm mm mmph!”
 
Except, of course, for one small thing…
 
*BUUOORRP*
 
Another loud burp blew its way out from Kristen’s mouth as Hugo cooked, lodging a small piece of white fabric between her teeth before she reached in and pulled it out by hand.
 
The fabric, of course, belonged to the unwilling chef currently writhing about in the comedian’s insides; she’d gotten a little bit too close to the customer when serving them food, and with a single grab of her wrist and a forceful yank closer to her mouth, she was swallowed just as fast as the food she’d been serving.
 
The distinctive shape of a hand pressed against the inside of Kristen’s crowded stomach, its owner suffocating amongst the churning walls of meat that she had helped stuff into her own grave…
 
Hugo tried his best to ignore the pleas of his friend as he cooked, keeping his eyes down as he flipped burgers and pressed them down onto the skillet.
 
So focused was he in his work, however, he failed to notice the very guest he’d been trying to ignore waltzing up to his grill, her gut swaying this way and that, until she was nearly a foot away from him.
 
“Hey.”, she said with a smile.
 
“Ms. Schaal!”, Hugo said back in surprise.
“I- I’m sorry to have disturbed you! We’ll have your next order ready to go as soon as we can.”
 
“Oh, don’t worry about it!”, Kristen said with a dismissive wave.
“I’m not that hungry for ‘em anyway.”
 
Hugo looked away from his work to glare with concern into his customer’s eyes.
 
“You’re not?”, he asked.
 
“No!”, Kristen said back.
“Cooked meat? Bleh! Disgusting! I mean sure, I’ll eat it because I’m a carnivore and everything, but you know what I REALLY have the appetite for?”
 
Hugo paused for a moment as the predator’s stomach gurgled before him, another muffled scream from his former coworker buried under burning food helping him get to Kristen’s point a lot faster.
 
“Me?”, he asked.
 
“Hmm, and what makes you think I would say that?”, Kristen said playfully.
 
“Because you ate Alexis.”, Hugo said with a point of his spatula towards the pred woman’s belly.
“The chef who was handling the food cart for you earlier.”
 
“Was that who that was? Huh, I’d have never guessed.”, the pred said playfully with a stroke of her finger across her bloated stomach.
“Guess all of that GREASE that’s on those burgers she was feeding me must’ve coated my throat; she slid down before you could tell her goodbye!”
 
Hugo looked up from his grill into Kristen’s blue eyes, the copious amount of oil and foodstuffs slathered around her mouth and pasted across her white skin a stark reminder of just what she thought of the human being she’d eaten.
 
“Would you like to? You know, “say goodbye” and all?”, asked the predator.
“Pretty sure I haven’t burped out ALL of her oxygen yet…”
 
The diminutive woman gave her stomach a slap for emphasis, bringing out a new set of gurgles and groans along with a wet-
 
*FRRRT*
 
-that blew out in a green cloud behind her, singing her dress slightly as a pair of shoes that had been lodged in her intestines since breakfast fell to the ground alongside it.
 
“I think I’ll pass, Ms. Schaal…”, Hugo said hesitantly.
“I’d prefer if we both just… let it be.”
 
“Hmm.”, Kristen hummed.
“You WOULD prefer that doing that, wouldn’t you?”
 
Hugo returned to flipping burgers alongside the only other chef standing as the diminutive curve queen waltzed her way around the grill and to Hugo’s side, forcefully grabbing his ear and pulling him down to her level.
 
“I know what you guys are doing, trying to stuff me full of so many cheeseburgers that I keep my greasy little fingers off the rest of the party.”, she whispered.
“I’ll play along. How much did they pay you?”
 
“10K for each of us.”, Hugo said with a sigh.
“11 if we, uh… live.”
 
“Hmm. Alright…”, Kristen said with a tap of her fingers.
“Here, how about this? I pay you double, you keep making burgers for me aaand I eat the little friend you’ve got helping you out. What do you say?”
 
“I can’t do that!”, Hugo said in sudden panic.
“I’ve known Damien since high school! I… I’ve met with his family…”
 
“Okay?”, the pred said dismissively.
“So you’d rather I KEEP the money and have all three of you line the inside of my intestines instead of keeping your little business afloat as a party of one.”
 
Hugo looked nervously to the chef at his side, his fellow chef looking back with concern but still unsure what he and Kristen were talking about.
 
Hugo sighed; to think it all ended here…
 
“Okay…”, he said solemnly.
“He’s yours…”
 
“You made the right choice.”, Kristen said with a smile and a pat on the shoulder before stepping around Hugo and pouncing upon the second chef.
 
The whole set-up shook as the predator fell upon her prey, audibly crushing his bones like a stick before leaning in and ripping off SOMETHING with her teeth that caused his anguished cries and pleas for help to stop almost immediately.
 
To be fair, Hugo wasn’t exactly sure what Kristen had done to his colleague and, frankly, he was too scared to look, his hand trembling around his spatula as the errant groans from the predator’s stomach began to overtake the sound of meat sizzling on the grill in front of him.
 
The sound of blood gushing and slimy flesh being audibly ripped off the bone as she ate was enough of a sign that it wasn’t a pretty scene.
 
Mercifully, however, the “enhanced taste” of her meal made Kristen blow through her grisly display in only a matter of minutes, the actress letting out a sigh of relief before wiping her mouth a bit and planting her fat white butt on the ground beside Hugo, a meaty-
 
*UURRP*
 
-blasting out of her mouth as she did so.
 
Hugo looked down at the horrific scene beside him; the predator sat in a puddle of blood and viscera, rubbing her stomach while bone fragments and what was left of Damien’s clothes dripped down her body in the drool cascading down from her jaw.
 
Her face now beet red from her meal, Kristen Schaal licked off whatever she could with her tongue before wiping herself off with some discarded fabric and slowly lifting her fat body back onto her feet, the wooden deck the grill and the chefs stood on creaking and audibly cracking as she did so.
 
“You keep that overcooked meat coming, buster!”, she said with heavy breath as a bubble of Damien’s blood blew up and popped inside of her nose.
“One of your buddy’s rib bones scratched up my throat a bit going down, so you’re EARNING that extra pa- *UORP* -pay…”
 
Hugo looked around at the other guests attending the party, sharing looks of fear and confusion before they turned their eyes back to whatever it was they were doing before.
 
Luckily for the chef, however, the cold blooded murder of one of the party’s guests brought the atmosphere down enough to end the party only an hour or two later, with most of the cast and crew leaving as quietly as they could while Kristen simply sat back and soaked in the power she had over everyone else.
 
Openly passing gas whenever felt best, flashing her teeth when someone passed by…
 
She LOVED moments like this.
 
She didn’t even stay around to cause more of a ruckus; with a few waves goodbye and some seemingly genuine words towards whatever showrunners were still around, Kristen Schaal left the party nearly two hundred pounds heavier than when she’d arrived.
 
Course, she would’ve been much heavier had she not UNLOADED nearly a hundred pounds into the party’s ill-equipped toilets, burying one almost completely in a pile of festering shit littered with the bones of her victims and already beginning to peel the paint on the walls within moments of leaving her body.
 
Regardless, Hugo packed his things rather quietly as he left the party; disheartened as he was by the death of his colleagues, having the guests leave him in silence as they left was surprising to say the least.
 
Equally surprising, however, was Kristen staying true to her word, gifting Hugo’s Venmo account with a hefty $25,000 with the added message of “Left you a tip because both of your friends were better than the burgers.” along with a little smiley face.
 
While sure, it hurt knowing that two friends he’d known since culinary school had spent their last few hours of life being boiled alive inside the gut of a professional voice actress before having what was left of them be shat out into some toilet, a paycheck like that was hard to dismiss.
 
Maybe he’d have to call up Kristen again some time in the future…
 
Cater under far less death-defying pretenses next time…