Uploaded: 13 years ago
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Graciela is a shy quiet pred who endeavors to bring beauty and grace to the act of vore. She finds herself in a situation where she has to share her art with the world. (Update) I rewrote the story. The criticism was absolutely correct and I wondered how anyone could have waded through the story. This keeps the main premis but I hope it makes more sense. I need to be careful!
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Posted by Imrhys 13 years ago Report
Would you like a serious set of comments about your work or would you just like to here that that closing made me snicker in a most predatory way? hehehe <3
Posted by printz 13 years ago Report
I'll listen to whatever comments you make. I'm certainly not perfect and I never take criticism as anything other than helpful. This was another story I wrote using someone I know. I warned her that I wrote "fringe kinky stuff". She replied: "but we love fringe kinky stuff".
Posted by Imrhys 13 years ago Report
These are all formatting comments because as things are right now this story is almost illegible for me. First of all, only double space official submissions for publication, and everything else double space only between paragraphs.
Second, seen this in other of your stories, paragraph break for each new speaker in dialogue and for new people taking actions.
After you go back and do these three things I'll be able to give you more feedback. Though I'd also suggest our forum's writing group: http://aryion.com/forum/viewtopic.php?f=38&t=28963
Posted by printz 13 years ago Report
I just went back through the story. God! it was a mess. I see exactly what you're saying. I'm re-working it now.
Posted by Imrhys 13 years ago Report
Now, why do you have those "things" at the beginning of every paragraph and why does it seem you centered each line? Go with a standard "align left" format only. On MSword it is on the tool bar center to right. Just double space between your paragraphs, nothing else.
And you should always have "Dialogue," he/she verbed. With dialogue you should always sprinkle in body language, how the speaker says it, how they hold themselves while they talk, etc..
Posted by printz 13 years ago Report
It never transfers from word the way I write it. I used to put the paragraphs into text boxes on PowerPoint and transfer them back to word. For some reason, that worked. I centered the paragraphs thinking that approach might work here. It didn't help. I'm rather new at writing stories so i still tend to write like a man with a business education. I have to be careful that I don't run on in an attempt to avoid being choppy. Choppy works for business but not here. I'm afraid I've been lazy about dialogue. I do see what ou mean. I will,at least, un-center the paragraphs.
Posted by printz 13 years ago Report
I meant "I see what you mean. Anyway, I uncentered the paragraphs and they came out the way they are now. It's something I lose in the process of uploading. I might go back the the approach that used to work for me.
Posted by printz 13 years ago Report
Oh! I didn't know how to do that! I never knew that all I had to do was hit enter twice.
Posted by Imrhys 13 years ago Report
Ohhh excellent! You sorted out the paragraphs and left aligning. That is the lesson you take forward from this experience. Next thing you need to teach yourself is adding "dialogue" he/she verbed, and letting the audience know how the speaker says what they say, body language, etc..
Afterall most communication is body language not verbal. How someone intones their words, how they stand, are their eyes wide open, narrow, looking away, looking down, avoiding eye contact, et cetera..