Posted by Entirely_Logical 13 years ago Report

Having read all the chapters that you've posted so far, I think I'll have to say... Passable. While the setting is interesting, as is the offer made by the extraterrestrial... "benefactors," (Oh, sure. We'll fix your planet. So long as we get to watch you tear your civilization asunder), there are some problems, and I'll start with the more apparent one: Pacing. You appear to have trouble understanding when to use more or less detail; For example, expository scenes for characters and scenery alike should be as detailed as possible. Is there a photo of the family on the mantle? Show it. How is the house laid out? What colour are the drapes? Conversely, action scenes need to be able to flow as they suck the reader towards a literary climax. As such, you only need to include the most important of details, but here you seem to have shunted even that, resulting in brief encounters in which it isn't all too unclear what's going on.

The other problem that I can't help but note: Characterization, specifically with the two characters who are always in the scene, Broc and Brenda, for one key reason: inconsistency. One minute she's a monster, suddenly she's a potential friend? Apart from the orc, Brenda gave no real reason for him to trust her. and it was still awkward to see his view of her go from "monster" to "potential friend" with little to no explanation? Giving what seems like legitimate feelings to Brenda, only to have her change her heart at the notion of a pay raise? It doesn't jive, and neither does letting himself get casually beaten/eaten one minute, then running "near the speed of light" to escape the next.

Which brings me to my final critique: while there are exceptions to the rule, it is generally advisable NOT to give characters god-like powers from the get-go, again with little to no explanation. In fact, you've tried to give him every single back-ground benefit that I can think of, which in a way screams "gary-stu," which is essentially inserting an idealized version of yourself into the story.

Aside from a few spelling and grammatical errors and blunders, I think that sums up what I have to say about this story as a whole. Now I can't believe that I wrote this much for what is essentially a porno when I have other, more potentially entertaining things to write.

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Posted by kamperkonkel 13 years ago Report

Thanks for the advice. But there are two things that I intended to put in the story. I wanted to have Broc be the eventual reason or experiment finally that the Aliens were looking for in the first place. In a sense they wanted to make a breed of human that could be used as an army for them at some point.

The second thing was that Broc is still a kid and has a chaotic life in the way of influence so I wanted to portray that a little in his lack in experience while grasping for somthing that wasn't there. I guess I half succeeded in that.

I definately need to work on alot of things so thanks for pointing me in the right direction and as I write I will try to work on it as I can.

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Posted by GUEST19216 8 years ago Report

had a feeling that was their ulterior motive, an unbeatable army

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