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Chapter 1 - A budding romance in virtual reality takes a strange turn when a promise is made and hidden desires revealed.
I am a new writer with much to learn. I will appreciate comments whether positive or negative.
Re-Upload - I made quite a bit of changes, though the story itself is the same
Lena is a bit more sexually aggressive now , and hints more at her hidden nature.
Marc himself is shown to be more submissive.
Both changes I think are better for continuity, and are necessary to keep cutting stuff from future chapters. Especially since #2 continues directly from where this one leaves off.
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Posted by friemeltje1 12 years ago Report
It's an enjoyable read. It's a bit romantic for me ('m more into reluctant prey, dominant pred), but that's just a choice.
About the writing style: I feel a bit..hurried when reading it. Probably because the sentences are too long, too many comma's and not enough "enters" to create paragraphs.
Also, creating more difference between the "dialog" pieces and the longer explanatory or "mental voice" pieces would control the pace of the story a bit.
For example, the end of the conversation with Rob consists of nice short sentences (could be broken up even more though). Then the next paragraphs which describe what happens when Marc gets home are a good contrast to that. The empty lines help, the 3 "enters" that break up the paragraph also make it more readable.
But when the Marc and Lena start talking, the structures are just all thrown together, different types of sentences mixed, not enough line breaks and it just becomes a bit blurry to read.
Anyway, hope that helps and keep up the good work!
Posted by BlueKnight 12 years ago Report
Thank you very much for reading and taking the time to comment, I have found it very insightful. I have already began a rewrite and this will help me a lot with the process.
-"It's a bit romantic for me (I'm more into reluctant prey, dominant pred)"
I am actually relieved you said this. Right now I'm walking a fine line of Lena pushing him as far as she can, without scaring him away. Currently, he can hit the off button at any time, so the balance of power has to change before I can get into unwilling.
PS - There was a lot of dialogue that had to be removed where she was far too harsh. Additionally, this wasn't the original first vore scene.