Posted by Hagglesmite 12 years ago Report

Absolutely superb beginning. I do think it would greatly benefit you to put a bit more environmental detail in around the scenes, as the characters are already quite good, but overall this was a very fun read!

*Moves on to read the next chapter*

Posted by Predator 12 years ago Report

Thanks for your comment Hagglesmite! I agree with you about the environments. I'll work on that in future installments. Hope you enjoy the rest of the story!~

Posted by nephilim 12 years ago Report

What a deilghtful opening. You have rich, robust character development; it is cleverly crafted around the narrative with such finesse, that you have managed to debut these characters in scant sentences.

Your wrting is... I suppose the best way to describe it, is that it's crisp. The syntax, pacing, sentence structure and phrasing are all very clean. The writing is direct without being dry; and your sentence transitions are rather clever.

I very much enjoy some of your connotative language, too: "buttery light." I suppose the only snag I encountered (in an otherwise impeccably structured narrative) is that I am not sensing the true thrust of emotions from the characters. In that regard, I feel like they are caricatures of 'proper response.' But, this seems like a stylistic choice. You seem to like a more surgical and dynamic approach to your writing - quick, concise movements and 'stage directions' propel the narrative along; and you don't have an introspective point of view, so again, this is definitely a stylistic choice.

I love their speech. You are really capturing the Victorian nature. I also love the style of dress, and how you have given us an abstract view - a hint - of the environs and surrounding world; you have certainly laced this story with enough intrigue to warrant a full read-through of the series.

Jonathan is interesting; I think I will like him. Of the different types of predators available to the writer out there, most seem to either fall into either the savage/sadistic camp, or cultured/considerate, with little cross-over. However, Jonathan seems to be of two worlds, which is what I really like. He is cultured, classy, sophisticated, yet there is an animal savagery, a selfishness lurking about him, that makes him quite an intriguing character study.

I only wish that you luxuriated on the vore details a little more (; You are a talented writer with a lot of potential; so to marry the two (the fetish and the writing) would be quite a treat coming from you !