Uploaded: 9 years ago
Views: 2,317
File size: 3.41 KiB
MIME Type: application/rtf
Comments: 16
Favorites: 20
Something I wrote for Cainiam ( http://aryion.com/g4/user/Cainiam ) Because he's an awesome pony, and he's been playing Metal Gear Solid Five, soo...She's in a box!
Edit: This was a quick write, so if it has mistakes, well, I'll try to fix 'em, I may not. Depends x3
Please login to post a comment.
Posted by Cainiam 9 years ago Report
Hehe, thanks for this. Dusty is way too cute in her little box... but still just as dangerous!
Posted by IronGhostXLII 9 years ago Report
Whyd she eat zephyr though?
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
Alternate path where she survived eating Zephyr...Y'know the Bloatsprite bad end. Its a thing between me and Cain
]
Posted by IronGhostXLII 9 years ago Report
Ah, I see
Posted by silverspec 9 years ago Report
Super cute. The box was a nice touch!
I just feel that the whole vore scene was a tad too quick. Just a nit-pick though.
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
Ey, the story itself was a quicky.
Posted by silverspec 9 years ago Report
Ehehe. Fair enough.
Posted by Unfortunate 9 years ago Report
As far as wastelanders go, Dusty seems an incredibly jolly pony. It's an interesting contrast I've noticed.
I'm a fan of light hearted wackiness like this, so you get my thumbs up.
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
:D Yay! Thankya.
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
:D Yay! Thankya.
Posted by PonyThroat 9 years ago Report
hehe cute
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
X3 Thankya, PT
Posted by Speedyblupi 9 years ago Report
Ok, I've seen a lot of stories written in the past tense and a few written in the present, but I've never seen a whole story written in conditional.
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
....Is that, uh, good? .x.
Posted by Speedyblupi 9 years ago Report
Not really, to be honest. It feels very awkward, especially when it transitions to other tenses.
Grammar errors, like switching tenses within sentences and spelling mistakes make this far worse than it would otherwise be. Basically, it's a lot harder to understand conditionals than it is simple past or present, and having to do this on top of grammar errors ruins the story for me.
Example:
"Eissen would call out, trotting around the small building that him and the earth pony named Dusty Shelfs currently resided in."
You're combining a conditional (would), past (resided), and present (the rest of the sentence). The way you've done it is actually correct, but it still takes a bit of extra effort to understand than something like "Eissen called out as he trotted around the small building that he resided in with the earth pony called Dusty Shelf".
In terms of grammar, "him" should be "he", and Dusty's second name is "Shelf", not "Shelfs".
There isn't anything wrong per se with telling a story in conditionals, but it does break the flow and make any grammar errors that you do make harder to read around.
Posted by Eissen 9 years ago Report
Ey, I can see that. This was a quick thing anyway, that I wrote for a bud after an rp we did, so ^^' Wasn't one of my more focused pieces. But thanks for the critique.